When the tears clouded my vision too much to see, I finally swiped at them angrily, feeling betrayed by their presence. I didn’t want to cry. Didn’t want to be sad or hurt. I wanted to channel that old anger and fire that had carried me through years of infertility. But it was nowhere to be found.
In its place was a black pool of sadness I was drowning in. There were no ladders to climb or walls to scale, only the ever-present blackness to keep me company.
This was it. The end of my marriage. I felt the failure like a bowling ball in the pit of my stomach. We hadn’t been able to make it work. Hadn’t been able to be there for each other in our hardest times. We hadn’t upheld our vows. We’d failed. Miserably.
The tears came faster as the sobs tried to choke me. I struggled to breathe properly as I navigated the dark roads through blurry eyes.
A huge part of me was in disbelief. When I’d promised to love Bryson forever, I’d meant it. And I suppose I always would. No matter how angry I was, no matter how my heart ached with the accusations he’s slung my way, I still loved him. Loved him so much it felt like I’d left part of my soul back there on the floor of our gray kitchen.
My vision clouded again, and I wiped at my watery eyes, but it was too late.
A huge pickup that I shouldn’t have been able to miss, pulled out in front of me and I knew I’d never have enough time to stop before hitting it. My mind froze as my body reacted instinctively. I jerked the wheel to the left, hoping to avoid colliding with the bed of the truck. Instead, clipping a sedan in the oncoming traffic.
My car spun with the force of the collision. My body rocked violently one way before it flew back in the opposite direction. The side of my head slammed into the window.
The blow to my head made my ears ring. My body was jolted once more. The crunch of metal was deafening as the window shattered and sprayed me with a cloud of broken glass. The car slowed to a symphony of creaks and groans. And finally, everything stopped moving.
For a long couple of minutes, it was eerily quiet except for a soft ringing in my ears. The sound grew louder until it was buzzing through my head so loud it drowned out the whispers around me. I shook my head and realized they weren’t whispers, but the yells of people in the street.
I didn’t know how I’d lost so much time, but the next thing I knew, there was a man in uniform yelling outside my passenger window. My sluggish brain couldn’t process his words and I shook my head again to try to clear the last of the ringing sound.
All at once, sound and sensation returned to me with blaring clarity.
“Ma’am! Are you okay in there? Ma’am!”
I turned to the uniformed man and identified him as a police officer. I nodded my head tentatively and his shoulders fell in relief.
“Can you unlock the doors, so we can pull you out this way? It’ll be awhile before we get that truck off your driver’s side.”
I nodded again and reached slowly for the unlock button and pressed it with shaking hands. The second the locks clicked the man opened the door and leaned in, his uniform creaking with his movements.
“Are you injured?”
I shook my head. “I… I don’t know.”
“All right just stay calm ma’am. We’ll get you out of here.”
I tried to nod, but my body was shaking so violently, I’m not sure he noticed. He pulled himself out of the car and began yelling out instructions.
I took the time to assess my body for any damage. My hands were still trembling and covered in small cuts. None of them seemed to be bleeding too badly, so I dismissed them. A sharp pain shot through my head and I brought a hand to my temple. My hair was wet and when I pulled my fingers away, they were covered in blood. I let out a shaky breath and flexed both legs, making sure they were all in working order.
“You doin’ all right in here?” The officer was back, his kind brown eyes focused on me.
“I hit my head.”
He frowned and leaned back out of the car. “She’s got a head injury,” he yelled.
Someone yelled something back to him, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Then one voice came through loud and clear. “There’s a gas leak. We need to move her now.”
I jerked my head to the police officer, immediately regretting it when my head spun with vicious dizziness. The officer was standing there talking to what looked like a firefighter and a paramedic. I still couldn’t make out what they were saying but they must have come to some agreement because they dispersed, and the officer leaned back in the car.
“We need to get you out of this car. Can you climb over?”
I nodded my head in small jerky movements as I reached over to unbuckle my seatbelt and turned in my seat. My head throbbed as I straddled the middle console, thanking whoever I could that I’d worn pants that day. I twisted around in the car until I was seated on the passenger seat and suddenly, I was being lifted out of the car and carried to an ambulance.
Paramedics immediately began fluttering around me, one shining a light in my eyes while the other one barked out questions I tried my best to answer. When the one with the flashlight was done examining my head, he took a step back and his eyes fell to my pants.
“We need to go. She’s bleeding internally.”
The second paramedic pressed against my shoulder until I was laying on the stretcher. I struggled against his hold, not understanding what was going on.
“What do you mean? Where am I bleeding?”
“Just relax, ma’am. You’re gonna’ be fine.”
“Please, tell me what’s happening.”
The man’s lips pursed. “We think you’re bleeding internally.”
I ran my hands over my body. “But, I feel fine.”
He nodded toward my lap and I curled up from my position to get a better look. My breath caught in my chest as I saw, at the apex of my legs, my khaki slacks were stained a dark red.
My heart thumped heavily in my chest as my stomach dropped painfully.
“Oh, no. No no no no no.”
“Ma’am?”
“I’m pregnant,” I whispered, desperately hoping that was still true.
I hadn’t even thought of my baby, of the tiny life struggling to grow inside me. In the chaos of the accident, I hadn’t even considered if my baby had been injured. Now, I felt like the worst kind of mom as every possible outcome ran through my head.
“You have to save my baby,” I told him.
The man nodded his head once and banged on the window separating us from the driver. “We gotta’ go. Code three.”
The ambulance’s sirens split the air as the vehicle pulled away from the accident and raced me toward the nearest hospital.
Chapter 25
Within minutes of leaving the scene of the accident, the ambulance arrived at the hospital and the paramedics wheeled me into the emergency department. Next came a flurry of questions from a multitude of medical professionals and I did my best to answer them as the pain in my head seemed to multiply by the minute.
I tried to keep up with all the tests they were preforming on me, but it was almost impossible with the pounding in my head. And really, all I cared about was my baby. Finally, I gave up trying to follow what was happening and closed my eyes, hoping when I opened them again, I’d find this was all some terrible dream.
I’d be back in Josie’s spare bedroom, Bryson wouldn’t have accused me of having an affair, he wouldn’t have told me not to come home again, I wouldn’t have lost control of my car, and my baby wouldn’t be fighting for his or her life.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when the bright lights that had been burning through my eyelids suddenly went away. I peeked an eye open to see I was in a dark room with a few machines and a large monitor.
“Ms. Thompson?”
“Yes?”
“Hi. My name’s Tracy, I’m the ultrasound technician. I wanted to explain a few things before we get started.”
I nodded hesitantly, and Tracy b
egan speaking a whole bunch of medical talk to me. What I got out of it was, she’d be doing an ultrasound with this long wand thing and it had nothing to do with rubbing jelly on my belly. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. This wasn’t a big deal. This would tell me if my baby was all right. For that, I would do anything.
The tech began the test, and she moved the wand around inside of me with one hand while clicking away at her machine with the other. A few minutes later, she removed the wand and replaced the medical gown and blankets over me. When I’d lost my clothes, I wasn’t quite sure.
I was wheeled away into another room and told I’d been seen by a doctor soon. A few minutes later, a middle-aged woman with mahogany skin and dark green scrubs came bustling in.
“Ms. Thompson, I’m Rita, I’ll be taking care of you for a while. How’re you feeling?”
“My head hurts.”
She clucked her tongue. “From what I heard you hit it pretty hard. A doctor should be in soon and then we can get you some medication to take care of that pain. Is there someone I can call for you in the meantime? A spouse or family member that should know you’re here?”
My stomach dropped at the thought of her calling Bryson. I shook my head, about to tell her no, when I realized there was one person I wanted to see. I gave the nurse the number, and she promised to call right away.
I leaned back on the thin mattress and closed my eyes, willing the pounding in my head to subside. A little while later, a knock on the door caught my attention, and I cracked an eye open to watch a young middle-eastern man in a white lab coat walk in the room, still looking down at a thick clipboard.
He stopped next to my bed and held out a hand that he used to firmly shake mine. “Hello, Ms. Thompson, I’m Dr. Abadi, how are you feeling?”
“My head hurts. A lot.”
He nodded. “Yes, that’s to be expected. You’ve sustained a moderate concussion. How’s your vision?”
Now that he mentioned it, “Kind of blurry, actually.”
The doctor nodded again. “Your test results are promising, but I’d like to keep you overnight for monitoring.”
My shoulders deflated. “Okay.” Then I asked the question that I had been too afraid to voice until now. “Is the baby all right?”
The doctor looked back down at his notes before meeting my eyes. “From what we can see, the fetus is still viable, but it’s still too early in the pregnancy to get a heartbeat, so we don’t know for sure. You suffered a subchorionic hematoma which is more or less a bleeding between the uterine wall and the chorionic membrane. It may have been caused by the impact of the accident, but there’s no way for us to know. The hematoma doesn’t appear to be very large and we believe the bleeding should subside on its own.”
“So, I’m still pregnant?”
He looked back down at his clipboard. “Your hCG results indicate that you’re probably around six or seven weeks pregnant. However, your levels wouldn’t have decreased fast enough for us to know even if you weren’t at this point. You’ll have to follow up with your physician to be sure.”
“I have an appointment with my doctor this week.” My voice was small and frail, just like the life inside of me.
The doctor nodded. “Good. They can continue your care and tell you more then. Until that time, I suggest you stay on bed rest and limit your activities. I’d also avoid sexual intercourse at least until the hematoma has resolved.”
I coughed out an uncomfortable laugh. “No problem.”
The doctor nodded again. “Do you have any questions for me?”
Is my baby really okay?
Am I still a mom?
Did I ruin everything because of a stupid accident?
I swallowed down all those questions because I knew the doctor couldn’t answer them for me. Instead, I shook my head. “Not right now, doctor. Thank you.”
He smiled warmly. “We’ll get you some pain meds for that head of yours.”
The doctor was gone only a few minutes when the door to my room flew open and Josie burst through.
“Oh, my god! Are you okay? What happened? What’s going on? Is everything all right? Is the baby okay?”
I smiled at my exuberant friend, not fully able to hide the wince I made at her loud voice. Her smile was contrite, and I motioned to the chair next to my bed.
“I’m all right.” I figured that was the most important of her questions.
She nodded hesitantly. “And the baby?”
I shrugged and willed away the tears I could feel forming. “They think everything’s fine, but we don’t know much because it’s so early in the pregnancy.”
“What happened?”
I swiped at a rogue tear and let my head fall back against the pillows, immediately regretting the movement. “I was,” I swallowed painfully, “at Bryson’s.” It felt strange to call it home now. “And we fought.”
“About what this time?”
I slowly recounted the fight we’d had followed by what I remembered of the accident, Josie’s pink lips getting thinner by the minute. When I’d finally finished, she was up from her chair and pacing in front of my bed.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
I smiled grimly. “’fraid not.”
She let loose a string of filthy expletives, some I hadn’t even heard before, and if my head hadn’t been thundering between my ears, I might have laughed.
The nurse, Rita, walked in then, catching Josie mid rant with a raised brow.
I couldn’t help the laugh that fell from my lips that time even if it did make my head feel like it was being hammered with a mallet. “You’ll have to excuse my friend.”
“Don’t worry about me honey, that was impressive. I’m just here to give you something for your head.”
“What is it?”
“Just some acetaminophen.” I gave her a curious look, and she added, “Tylenol.”
I opened my mouth to argue but was silenced by Josie clearing her throat. For someone so small, she could sure be menacing when she wanted to. I closed my mouth with a snap and quietly took the pills with the water the nurse provided.
After that, she took a look at where I hit my head and nodded once. “Everything looks good. You need anything else from me?”
I yawned and shook my head no. Rita eyed me seriously. “You can get a little sleep, but I’ll be back in a couple hours to wake you up, all right?”
I nodded sleepily, and the nurse left with a promise to check on me soon.
My friend reclaimed the chair next to my bed and picked up one of my hands. She inspected the various cuts along my skin, tracing them with somber eyes.
“I was so worried when I got that call, Mack. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“No need to worry about me, Josie,” I garbled her name. “I’m just fine.”
She chuckled softly. “I see that. Get some sleep. I’ll stay as long as they let me.”
My eyes drifted shut on their own, but I frowned. “You don’t have to stay. I’ll be all right on my own.”
“You’re not getting me out of this room, Mackenzie, so drop it.”
I sighed heavily but squeezed my friend’s hand with as much strength as I was capable of in this in between place I found myself in and then everything went dark.
Consciousness seeped in slowly and in increments. The first thing I noticed was a rumbling sound. I couldn’t tell what it was, but it seemed close by. Next was the pain in my head. If felt a little better, but the steady thump of my pulse in my temples reminded me it was still there. The next thing I noticed was one of my hands was extremely warm and when I went to move it, I found that I couldn’t.
I pried one heavy lid open and saw the blurry figure of someone sitting close to my bed. The more I blinked, the more my vision cleared until I could tell that it was a man and he had his head bent over me. One more blink, and I recognized the dark blond hair and large frame.
“Bryson?” I croaked out.
His head rose quickly,
his hazel eyes meeting mine. His were rimmed in red and wide with what might have been regret. “Mackenzie, you’re awake. How’re you feeling?”
I ignored his question and blinked again, sure I must be seeing things. Did concussions come with auditory and visual hallucinations these days? “What are you doing here?”
He looked back down at his hands that held mine between them when another voice from across the room spoke up.
“He called me.”
I whipped my head around to Josie, immediately regretting it when the room spun. My eyes narrowed with heavy accusations, but Josie just shrugged. “He needed to know.”
“Bryson, will you excuse us?”
“No.”
I jerked my head back in his direction and had to close my eyes for a moment while I regained my equilibrium. “Excuse me?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he stated calmly.
My teeth ground together. “I need to speak with Josie. Alone.”
He shook his head and squeezed my hand. “Whatever you have to say to her, you can say in front of me. I’m not leaving.”
I turned my head to Josie, slowly this time, and shot her a questioning look. She just shrugged again. “I think you two have more to talk about than we do, Mack, so I’m gonna’ head out. Do you need anything before I go?”
My stomach took that opportunity to rumble, and I saw Bryson’s head snap up at the sound. “What time is it?” I asked her.
She dug out her phone. “Almost nine. Visiting hours are over and they’re gonna’ kick me out soon, but if you need something I’ll get it for you.”
“I am kinda’ hungry. I haven’t eaten since lunch.”
She nodded. “You missed them when dinner came around.”
“I’ll get you something from the cafeteria,” Bryson piped up.
“No, that’s okay,” I said.
Bryson stood and finally released my hand. “I’ll be right back.”
When the door closed behind him, I let loose a long, suffering sigh and pinned my best friend with a glare.
Trying Page 20
