by K. Webster
“Code Gray!” the nurse shrieks as she smashes the button on my bed.
I’m twice her size and I can see the fear in her eyes.
Of me.
Just like Ashley.
Well, they should be afraid of me.
I’m a fucking monster.
With a roar, I continue slinging shit into the floor and crashing into anything and everything in my way. When my bare feet slip on the crushed vase on the floor that was full of flowers from my sister, I drop to my knees and jerk up a chunk of the glass.
“Chase,” the nurse says in a calm tone. “Put the glass down. Let me give you something to calm you.”
I shoot her a venomous glare. “Calm me? I’ll be calm when I’m dead too!”
I squeeze the glass in my fist with all my strength, desperate to feel the biting pain, but it isn’t sharp enough to exact any damage. Seconds later, a security guard, my doctor, and three nurses blast in. I scream and thrash but they manage to restrain me. Soon, the frightened nurse presses a needle into my vein and a calmness washes over me.
“Everything will be okay, Chase,” she coos and strokes the hair away from my forehead and then sets to checking on the bandage along my hairline. “But open up this wound again and I’ll be forced to take you over my knee.”
Her playful attempts to lift my spirits have my heart warming. Visions of the tiny nurse spanking me as if I’m some child bring a real smile to my lips before I’m stolen away by my nightmares.
I blink my eyes open when I hear voices on the other side of my window. The world tilts and I squint to see the concerned clerk on the other side. His eyes widen and he shouts through the window.
“Sir, can I call 911 for you?”
I drag my gaze to see blood staining my jeans and down the front of my shirt. Glancing quickly into the mirror, I see that I’ve not only cracked both lenses in my glasses but I also busted my nose during my meltdown.
Shit.
“No, I, uh… let me call my girlfriend.”
My brain is fuzzy and I’m confused. Hauling my phone from my pocket, I dial her number.
“Ms. Larkin’s phone,” Stacey answers. Her voice is firm, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was prepared for my phone call. To deflect my getting through to Tori. Traitor.
“Let me speak to her,” I demand.
“Chase, I’m sorry but she’s with a cl—”
I cut her off. “I need her help. I’m hurt and not right in the fucking head, Stacey.”
She goes silent but I can hear her muffled words, she and Tori arguing. Eventually Tori speaks.
“Chase, I’m really busy and—”
“Why are you pushing me away?”
My head throbs and I jerk off my broken glasses, tossing them onto the floorboard. Blood continues to pour from my nose and I lean against the headrest.
“Chase? What’s wrong? You sound different?”
I am different.
I’m fucking broken.
“Um, I don’t know. I can’t see and my glasses are broken. Please come get me and take me home. I’ll leave you alone after that. I just need to see you one last time.”
She starts barking orders to Stacey and I hear a jingle of keys. “Chase, where are you? I don’t like all this talk of not seeing me again. I’m coming to get you.”
I can’t remember the address so I roll down the window and hand my bloody phone to the clerk. He seems horrified but snatches the phone. In hushed tones, he rattles out words that don’t make sense to me. Rolling my eyes back, I doze off and dream of Tori.
“Chase, honey, wake up.” A sweet voice calls out to me, dragging me from my dark, warm, quiet place in my head.
I blink my eyelids open to see Tori—ever an angel—tearfully regarding me.
“Hey, baby.” My words seem casual and relief floods her features.
She dabs a warm cloth under my nose and cleans me. “You scared the living shit out of me,” she mutters and pins me with a firm glare.
“Aren’t you busy with a case?” I question, still unable to shake the haze that cloaks me.
A tear rolls down her cheek and she shakes her head. I don’t miss the guilt that morphs her features into a sad one. “You’re more important.”
Warmth surges through me at her words. “I missed you.”
She chokes out a sob. “I missed you too.”
“Need help getting him to the other side?” Stacey questions from outside the car.
Together, with the help of the clerk, they all help me out of the car and to the other side. I’m not helpless but disorient prevents me from arguing. Once I’m settled and buckled in on the other side, Tori climbs in and starts the car.
“Hey,” I grumble as she puts my car into gear. “You can’t drive her.”
She laughs through her tears. “Well, glad to see you’re feeling more like yourself. And too damn bad. If you’re going to hurt yourself and call me away from work, then I’m going to fuss over you and drive your ass around like Miss Daisy. So shush your mouth and let me take care of you.”
Eventually, we’re stumbling into my bedroom in which Tori sets to undressing me.
“Are you hurt?” I question, dragging my fingertips over her white blouse that’s stained with blood.
She frowns. “No, baby. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
After a long, hot, clumsy shower, I crawl into bed naked and watch with a fucking pout as Tori dresses in a pair of yoga pants and T-shirt.
“Don’t look at me like I killed your dog, Chase. I’m just running to pick up a few items at the store. I’ll be back in twenty minutes with food and you had better be ready to talk.”
Seeing her dress in my room seizes my heart and it aches at the prospect of her doing it every day for the rest of her life. I don’t want her anywhere but here. With me. Forever.
“I wonder what I’ll do in the meantime,” I joke and make a show of touching my bare cock under the blanket.
Her cheeks turn pink and she grins at me. “How about you stay awake and keep yourself busy with that until I get back? I promise I’ll finish you up after.”
“Wake up, Chase.”
I groan and yank a pillow over my face but then wince in pain. “Why?”
“Because you’ve been sleeping off and on for hours. If you don’t get your ass up, I’m going to take you to the hospital.”
Reluctantly, I toss the pillow onto the floor and smile at seeing her stand over me. She’s concerned and it’s written all over her face. It warms me that she still cares.
“Come here,” I say as I grab her hands and pull her on top of me.
She rests her elbows on either side of my head and stares at me with a frown on her lips. “What happened today?”
I drag my gaze from her blazing blue one and fixate on the window, which now reveals the moon in the sky. Shit, I really did sleep all damn day.
“I lost it.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” She presses a kiss to my cheek.
Turning my attention back to her, I sigh. “They were out of her flowers.”
She widens her eyes. “So why didn’t you pick some other ones?”
I scowl. “Because I wanted those.”
“I’m sure Ashley would just be happy that you—”
The name on her lips chills my veins. “I don’t give a fuck about Ashley,” I snap.
Tori gapes at me and guilt instantly pushes away my anger.
“Baby,” I groan, “I’m sorry. Today is just an unbelievably bad day.”
She drops a kiss on my lips. “Tell me what happened in the car. Why your glasses are broken? Why your nose almost was.”
I huff out my response, “A long time ago, after everything, I sort of lost sight of who I was. I wanted to punish myself. And today, when they didn’t have her flowers, those feelings resurfaced. I was angry. Memories of the hospital came flooding back.”
She sniffles and her bottom lip quivers. “So you hurt yourself. Again? Like ba
ck then?”
I nod. “Yeah. It was too much. Them not having her flowers. You pushing me out after I told you I loved you.”
She hovers her lips over mine. “Chase, I love you too.”
Her words soothe my soul and the heartache dissolves with one tiny phrase.
“I don’t understand. You seemed upset—angry even. You wouldn’t talk to me.”
“Because.” She laughs bitterly. “I was scared. I wasn’t supposed to love anyone ever again. And yet here you are, demanding that I love you. Chase, I do love you. Wholeheartedly. That’s what scares the ever living shit out of me. I didn’t think I was capable of loving again.”
“Why are you afraid of us, Tori? We get each other. We’re perfect for one another.”
Another tear rolls out. “Chase, honey, the truth is, I don’t get you. You know my story but you guard yours. Why can’t you share that with me?”
She gestures to my pec. “She dances with angels? What does that mean?”
Sick dread washes over me. I want to share everything with her but what if she hates me too? Like Ashley?
“I was engaged to Ashley a long time ago. She was everything to me. Or so I thought,” I bite out. “But when I was in the hospital, she came to see me. I thought I could lean on her. Instead, she called me a monster. She told me that she couldn’t even look at me anymore. I begged for her to understand I was hurting too—that I was a victim too. But she told me I was nothing but a menace to society. That day, she threw her goddamned ring at me and left me to my own devices. My mother, my father, my sister—nobody could understand the all-consuming, crushing devastation I felt. Ashley was the icing on the proverbial cake. Once she left, a part of me left with her.”
Tears stream down Tori’s cheeks and she kisses me softly. “I’m so sorry, Chase. I will never leave you. Do you understand me? I am so sorry I bailed on you mentally after the museum. It was just all too much. But, I was fucking miserable without you. I couldn’t focus on anything. If it’s any consolation, I was going to come over tonight and tell you all of this. But you just had to go and make a spectacle because you couldn’t wait any longer.” The last part she says in a teasing voice.
I tug at the bottom of her T-shirt and peel it from her body. She unsnaps her bra and I slide it down her arms. Her tits are fucking amazing and I admire them before speaking.
“Move in with me. I know it’s soon and I know we both struggle with our pasts, but baby, I need you. All of the time. My bed is more comfortable anyway,” I say with a laugh.
She shimmies out of her pants and panties before sliding under the covers with me. I groan when she straddles me and pushes her body down my hard cock.
“I will, Chase. I’m ready to admit that I want to move forward with you. Things haven’t always been easy for us, but it’s a good thing I love challenges. Because you,” she moans as she tosses her head back and rides me, “are the biggest damn challenge I’ve ever come across.”
I clutch her hips and urge her faster. Her tight body always grips me in the sexiest fucking way. The thought of having her in my bed every night—to fuck her whenever I please—nearly has me coming inside of her now.
“Jesus, Tori,” I say with a groan, my thumb sliding over to her clit. “Don’t ever fucking leave me again. I won’t be able to handle a life without you. You’re mine, baby.”
“Yours,” she agrees before splintering apart on my dick, her juices lubricating my cock even more so.
Seconds later, I explode within her and then yank her soft body to me. She snuggles against me and even though everything feels right, I can’t help but suffer the lingering effects from my episode earlier.
Dark, dread infects my veins and I’m nearly suffocated with the crippling idea of losing her too one day. Ashley did my head in. But losing Tori would crush my soul.
“Just a little more foundation and you can hardly tell,” Tori says and smiles.
I roll my eyes at her and swat her away. “I already feel like a goddamned woman with this shit on my face.”
“Well,” she huffs. “Excuse me for trying to help you. You know, you can’t walk out on that stage and look like you got in a fist fight.”
Puffing out my shoulders, I pin her with a fierce glare. “Why not? Might make me seem tougher.”
Now she rolls her eyes. She’s looking fucking delectable in a pretty pink sundress and wedged heels. Her bare legs beg to be kissed and licked.
“Chase, you won’t be so badass if they find out you had a fight with your steering wheel and lost.”
I laugh as I tug on the gown before the ceremony. It’s been two days since my episode and even though my nose has healed some, the bruises have turned an ugly shade of yellowish green. Tori had a grand idea to doll me up and hide the bruising. Now I just feel like a damn chick. Especially in this gown.
“I can’t wait until this weekend,” I tell her with a grin.
She sashays over to me and presses a soft kiss to my lips. “Me neither. Are you sure we can’t just skip group and move my things then?” she teases. “I could throw in a blow job for a bonus.”
I chuckle and nibble on her bottom lip. “Always trying to skip out on group. Such a naughty girl. Maybe I’ll have to give you another spanking later since you’re such a fan.”
“I am not a fan,” she lies but her blazing cheeks give her away.
“Hmmm,” I tease. “If I remember correctly, you begged for me to do it until you screamed my name over and over. My neighbor called to check on me, remember? Your ass almost got the cops called on me for attempted homicide.”
She giggles and I steal her lips again. My hands roam all over her ass and the moan that spills from her mouth into mine has my cock at full mast. I’m three seconds from shoving her into the nearest bathroom and fucking her in a stall.
Unfortunately, someone clears their throat behind me and our make out session is cut short.
“Dr. Monroe. You’re up.”
I smirk at her before responding loud enough for only her to hear and drop my eyes down to the bulge beneath my gown. “That I am.”
She shakes her head at me with an amused grin plastered on her face and presses a sweet kiss on my lips. “Knock ‘em dead, good lookin’.”
I don’t know why I thought I could walk away from Chase. I was just so scared. What if he left me too? I loved Ben, but we were practically kids. The feelings I have for Chase run deep, so much that I know if I were to lose him, it would crush me beyond anything I could ever recover from. So, I ran out of the museum, grabbed a cab, and went home. I’d missed my weekly trip to the cemetery the weekend of the wedding, and I had almost forgone it that Sunday too. But, I needed to see them, to be close to them, and let them know I hadn’t forgotten them.
When I exited the freeway, I stopped at a local florist and picked up the lavender flowers that I always brought with me. When I approached their plots, I noticed that the flowers often present were not there. Seemed the whole world was forgetting them. I don’t even know which family member is bringing them. I wonder if my mother ever visits her son-in-law and granddaughter. Or have they all let them go as I’m expected to do?
I sat in the grass and talked to them for a while. I decided to be brave and told them about Chase, about how confused I was. No one answered, no one ever does. However, I heard soft footsteps behind me and turned to see who was approaching. To my shock, it was Belinda. She’d stood off to the side, silently asking if she was interrupting. She made me realize that I didn’t want to be alone, so I waved her over. She’d sat down on the grass, right next to me and took my hand.
“My son is buried in this cemetery too. Not far from here, actually. I think I may have even seen you from time to time but, we are all grieving and tend not to intrude. Today, I thought maybe you could use a little company.” She’d smiled at me, and squeezed my hand.
I don’t know how she knew, I was grateful though. “I know it’s silly, but I like to talk to them.”
&n
bsp; “It’s not silly, we all grieve in our own way. That’s a big part of what our group is for, to help us find that outlet, but also to see that others have the same struggle.” She’d shrugged and looked off into the distance. “I write letters. I’ve written a letter to Jesse for each year he should have had of his life, well, I’ve only reached age twenty, but I’ll get to the rest. He wanted to be a rock star you know, even at age four, he carried around that little guitar from the video game. So, I write letters to the adult rock star and imagine who he would have been. What his life would have been like. I imagine the name Jesse Kingston on billboards and magazines.”
She’d laughed, and looked at me with a spark in her eyes. “Even if he would have been a gym teacher in reality, I can imagine he has everything he ever wanted. Its helps me to find peace, believing in him. It’s how I cope.”
I could understand her thought process, just as so many things that I would have done with Sarah are hard for me to do now, without her. “Do you believe they would want us to find happiness without them? I don’t want them to ever feel like they are forgotten.”
Belinda had let out a sigh and used her free hand to play with the grass. “I don’t know, Tori. But, I’d like to think Jesse imagines a life for me, just as I do for him. So, while I struggle to go on without him, I strive for the things I want because I feel like that is the best way to always remember him.”
My mind had become even more clouded, all of my convictions mixed with new ideas and emotions. I had begun to feel overwhelmed. Belinda had put an arm around me and it felt so good that I didn’t recoil from the touch as I would have in the past. She’d whispered her goodbyes and got up to leave.
I stared at my family for a little while longer, but when I left, I was even more confused. I decided I needed one less complication fogging up my brain, I needed my orderly life to try and wade through the mess I’d created. I avoided Chase, using any excuse not to see or talk to him. It was a cowardly move and I was definitely up for an academy award for best bitch.
It didn’t get any better, instead, my life began to truly fall apart. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t sleep, and I had no appetite. I’d spent almost every night with Chase since before we’d even made love. Apparently, I’d fallen victim to the same addiction and I needed him beside me at night and in the morning.
