She put on a pot of coffee, but she wouldn’t stay to have a cup. Instead she grabbed a bottle of water, one of Miriam’s homemade power bars and a towel. It had been a few days since she’d worked out, and today her body was telling her she couldn’t wait another day. As she headed for the door, she whistled for Rambo. But Rambo didn’t come running.
She’d forgotten that Andy had been keeping Rambo at the main house. They’d wanted to give him time with Andy, just to make sure the two of them would work well together.
Her heart hurt a little from missing Rambo, but Skip joined her, stretching and then rolling on the floor as he left his small nighttime kennel. The puppy licked her feet and looked at her with plenty of adoration.
“Come on, Skip, time to exercise.” She opened the door and stepped outside to a gray morning, clouds covering the sky.
Skip ran off to inspect a bush close up. She kept walking, leaning heavily on the cane she used in the mornings. She hated the thing but some days it was just necessary. Today happened to be one of those days.
The gym was empty. She used the keypad to unlock the door and entered with Skip running in behind her. She started to push him back outside but this morning she wanted the company. Between exercise and the puppy she could keep her mind off the pain, the past, the heartache.
She closed the door behind her, and for a moment she leaned against the wall and breathed deeply, eyes closed. She prayed, quietly in the silence, for mercy, for healing, for peace. She prayed for Jack and for his children and grandchildren. She prayed for the ranch and the community. As she prayed the anxiety ebbed; her heart felt a little lighter.
A knock on the door caused her to jump. Skip barked and ran around in a wild circle before forgetting about the danger and realizing he wanted to chase his tail.
“Who is it?” she asked, leaning close to the door.
“Carson.”
She nearly groaned.
“Are you going to let me in?” he asked.
“Sure. Of course.” She disarmed the alarm and let him in.
Pushing the door open, he stood on the other side looking refreshed, healthy, very male. He wore gym shorts, T-shirt and athletic shoes. He studied her as she studied him.
“You’re not excited about company?” he asked.
“Not really,” she said with honesty. “I mean, it’s fine. I just usually get here before anyone else. Are Andy and Maggie sleeping?”
“No, they’re with Jack. He’s teaching them commands for Rambo. Probably not trainer-approved commands.”
“Really?” she asked, hiding her amusement. “What commands are those?”
“He might be eating doughnuts.”
She sighed. “I can’t seem to convince him that dogs shouldn’t eat sugar. You’re up early.”
“I’m always up early,” he told her as he headed across the gym. He stopped midway and turned to wait for her. “What are you going to start with?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe the treadmill.”
“Could I make a suggestion?”
“Sure, go ahead.” She grabbed her towel, the cane and followed him across the room. He stopped at the open area where they typically did group exercise.
“Stretch your muscles. Also breathing is important.”
“Breathing is definitely beneficial,” she teased and pulled a smile from him. “I’m glad to see you can use those muscles this early in the morning.”
“What muscles?”
She pointed to her mouth. “Facial muscles. You’re the doctor—you must know that.”
A big grin spread across his handsome face. “Yeah, I can smile. It isn’t easy, working through all of this stuff with Jack and still trying to maintain some sort of structure for Andy and Maggie.”
“I’m sure it isn’t. But I think, no matter what you decide, you’ll be glad you came here. There’s something healing in forgiveness.”
“Yeah,” he said, but he didn’t sound convinced.
“He has changed.”
“I know he has.” Carson studied her as he said it. “But haven’t we all? Change happens whether we want it or not. Now, back to finding the best exercises for you. Breathing is beneficial to the muscles. As you stretch, you inhale and things loosen up. It can start out painful but I think you’ll find that it gets a little easier with time.”
“At this point, everything sounds painful,” she admitted with as much humor as she could. After all, laughter was the best medicine.
Laughter was definitely better than the flush of heat she felt crawling up her neck as he surveyed her with a clinical look to his expression. At least there was no pity in his eyes. He no longer looked at her and saw the girl she’d been. That was for the best, she decided.
After all, it had been over twenty years ago, and what they’d known about real love could have fit into a thimble. It wasn’t as if they’d been deeply in love and then torn apart. Instead, when he’d left, she had missed her best friend.
“If we do some easy stretches,” he continued as if he hadn’t noticed she’d been lost in the past, “I think you’ll find it easier to move.”
He took her cane and leaned it against the treadmill, then very gently he took her hand and helped her into what he must have considered an easy yoga pose. It included stretching her hands up and encouraging her to ease her knee up. He held her, making sure she didn’t topple over if she lost her balance.
She closed her eyes because he told her to, and she took a deep breath. The action disguised the fact that she needed a moment to gather her wits, to distance herself from him emotionally, physically, the way it felt to have him so close to her. But at the moment, she had become a patient to him, nothing more. She reminded herself of that fact.
“Thank you,” she whispered, thinking the words would help solidify in her mind what she knew in her heart.
“You don’t have to thank me. You’re loaning us your dog. It means a lot to Andy. The mangy thing slept on his bed last night.”
“He isn’t mangy and you don’t have to let him on the furniture.”
He held her as she raised the opposite knee and took a deep breath. “Andy slept better than he has in years. Is it because of the dog’s nearness?”
“I think so.” She lowered her leg.
Carson still held her. His arms were around her, his hands on her back. The touch of a physician, she told herself. Then she called herself a liar. She’d been in and out of hospitals for four years. She’d had doctors, physical therapists, nurses and techs put their hands on her. Hands that helped her eat, helped her stand, then helped her walk. And not once had those hands, comforting as they might have been, undone something inside her, made her want a little more of him, his touch, his presence.
She told herself it would be enough, just to be held. If he decided to hold her, hug her. Then she’d back away and go about her day.
But when he did take that step forward, moving just a breath closer, close enough that his arms encircled her and his face lowered so that his lips met hers, she knew it wouldn’t be enough. She knew she would want more of him than this kiss; she would want his heart. She would want his secrets. His pain. His laughter.
She would want the man she had known as a boy.
And that’s where the dream ended because he wasn’t that boy anymore, and his heart was no longer up for grabs. He’d given it to someone else. And then he’d lost her. Lost something beautiful. She didn’t know if she’d ever truly had something beautiful. Her husband had been withdrawn for much of their marriage, sometimes happy, but mostly angry.
She pushed the thoughts away and regretted all the time she’d wasted overthinking things. The kiss. She focused on the kiss, on the arms that held her, on the strong shoulders her hands settled on. She didn’t want this kiss to end. She wanted to still be the woman he dreamed of, wanted a future w
ith. The kiss broke past the barriers she’d built around her heart, promised beauty and then just as quickly, reminded her of what she couldn’t have. Suddenly she noticed tears trickling down her cheeks, salty as they brushed her lips.
His lips stilled, then moved to her cheek where they brushed against her skin with a soft caress. She didn’t want to be a mistake. Not again. She couldn’t handle that again.
She didn’t want another man to ever tell her they were a mistake. She wouldn’t give Carson a chance to regret her.
She pulled back, already seeing regret in his eyes, dark and haunting.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured as he put more distance between them. “I came to help you, not...” He shook his head. “Not this.”
“It was nothing,” she said lightly, wanting to let him off the hook.
“That isn’t true,” he said as he walked over to one of the treadmills. “It wasn’t nothing.”
She didn’t argue. Because she couldn’t really, could she. Not when the kiss had been everything. Their relationship would now be divided between two kisses. That remarkable first kiss at thirteen, when she thought they would always be together.
And then this beautiful kiss. The kiss. When she realized he would never be hers. He’d given his heart—his grown up heart—to someone else. And she couldn’t resent that or be jealous, because Anna was gone. But she’d taken his heart with her.
And she still had hold of it. Even after all these years.
* * *
Carson needed a minute, maybe two to gather his thoughts. He hadn’t meant to kiss Kylie. He’d meant to help her. The kiss had just happened. And boy, had it taken him by surprise.
If he was being truthful with himself, it had knocked him flat. He hadn’t kissed anyone besides Anna almost eight years. And as he’d kissed Kylie, he couldn’t help but think about the first and only time he’d kissed her, twenty years ago. They’d been running along the creek. He had pushed her in and when he’d offered to help her out of the water, she’d pulled him in with her. Laughing and holding hands, they’d climbed up out of the creek together. And he’d kissed her. It had been a sunny day in late spring. She’d held his cheeks with cold, wet hands as he did his best to kiss her.
Puppy love, that’s what most adults would have called what the two of them had felt for each other. But it had been about the happiest summer of his life.
Guilt stabbed him. Because he had loved Anna. They had been happy together.
He felt guilty for kissing someone else. Guilty for enjoying the kiss.
The worst guilt of all, still simmering after three years, was knowing that if he hadn’t been busy, if he’d gone to the store instead of her, she would still be alive today.
A hand touched his shoulder as he checked the controls on the treadmill. Pretended to check the controls. He knew how it worked and what he wanted it to do.
Her hand slid from his shoulder. He wanted to tell her. Everything. He had yelled at God. He had beaten himself up. He hadn’t shared his most private thoughts. Ever. That he was the reason Anna had died. She’d been in the car accident because when she asked him to run to the store for milk, he’d told her he couldn’t go. He’d been in the middle of researching a surgery.
And like a good surgeon’s wife, she’d let him do the research, and did what needed to be done. She drove to the store herself. “Carson?” Kylie’s voice was soft, tentative, just as her hand on his shoulder had been. “Don’t beat yourself up.”
“Oh, believe me, I can and I do.” He reached for her hand and brought her closer to the machine. “Slow and no incline. I don’t want you to fall.”
“I won’t fall. You know, I do this almost every day.”
“I’m sure you do.”
She gave him a teasing look. “But today the doctor is in charge.”
“Yes,” he said.
Without argument she stepped on the treadmill and allowed him to adjust everything. As she walked, he made for the kickboxing equipment in the corner. Not usually his exercise of choice but today it fit his mood.
He punched the freestanding bag a few times, then backed up for a moment to catch his breath. From the corner of his field of vision he saw movement. A moment later Kylie stood to the side of the leather bag. She leaned on her cane and watched as he kicked, then jabbed the bag.
After a few minutes he stopped, waiting for her to say whatever was clearly on her mind.
“I’m going to Jack’s house to fix breakfast.”
“Jack already did. Pancakes and sausage.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I guess I’m going to eat his breakfast, then. I have a few counseling sessions today and I told Jack I would run to town later for supplies.” She was still giving him that very pointed look.
“Is that all?” he asked.
She shook her head. “No, but I’m trying to be cautious how I say this.”
“Just say it. If it’s about kissing you, I won’t let that happen again.”
“That wasn’t it, but thanks for letting me know.”
Now she looked hurt. “Kylie, I’m sorry.”
She held up a hand to stop him. “Promise that if you ever need to talk, you will. Either with me, or someone else. I don’t care who. Just don’t...” Her eyes reflected the past, the pain. “Don’t let it eat away at you. I know you loved Anna and you miss her. I just don’t want you to...”
He got it. He considered himself an intelligent person. He even thought of himself as observant. But he had missed the obvious. He had missed that Kylie would be sensitive to other people, to their sadness, to anything she thought might be depression. Because of her husband, Eric. The two of them shared more than a past. They shared similar stories, similar heartache.
“I’m going to leave you alone to fight this battle. But if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”
He let her walk away but when she reached the door he stopped her, because he couldn’t let her worry about him, about his mental state.
“Kylie.”
She glanced back, her hand on the door. “Yes?”
“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me. Yes, I miss Anna. Yes, I worry about my children. And sometimes I do feel guilty. But I’m okay.”
“I know you are.” She swiped at her cheek and her gaze dropped to the floor. “I know that you’re fine. But I worry all of the time. It’s what I do. What if someone isn’t fine and I overlook the symptoms? Or if they tell me they’re okay and they’re not?”
“You have to realize that you can’t fix everyone. And you can’t control other people’s actions. You do your best with the information you’re given.”
“I know you’re right.” She looked up, focusing on the ceiling and blinking back tears. Finally she took a deep breath and looked at him. “I know you’re right. I tell myself every day that I use the skills I have, and I trust God with the rest.”
Trusting God. That was the part where he struggled. Knowledge flickered in her eyes and she sighed.
“You blame God for what happened, don’t you?”
“God and myself. I’m working on forgiveness because Andy and Maggie need for me to be the best person I can be. If I’m going to drag them somewhere to start a new life, it has to be a new life.”
“You’re a good dad. I hope you know that.”
“Thank you.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’ll walk with you to the house.”
She nodded, then bent down to pick up Skip, who had fallen asleep on a mat next to the door.
They walked out the door to absolute chaos. He didn’t know how they hadn’t heard the shouting that was coming from the arena. As they headed that way, it appeared an all-out brawl might be taking place.
“It’s Donnie.”
“What?” he asked as they picked up speed.
“Donnie. We’ve been working throu
gh some anger but I’m starting to think he needs more help than we can give him. We want to help them all, but the ranch isn’t equipped for more serious situations.”
The big guy with the angry scowl and large hands that were wrapped around Isaac’s throat had to be Donnie. Before Carson could stop her, Kylie was through the gate and heading straight for the fight. One man was already on the ground. Isaac appeared to be losing and Kylie was going in strong.
Carson jumped the fence and moved between her and obvious danger. She pushed at him.
“Get out of my way.”
“You can’t poke a bear and not suffer the consequences.”
“Just watch me.”
With that, she plowed forward and poked Donnie in the gut with her cane.
“Stop.”
He wouldn’t have guessed such a loud voice could come from such a small woman. If the situation hadn’t been so serious, he might have laughed. As it was, he could only act. And that meant hurrying forward as Isaac fell to the ground.
“What in the world is going on here?” She poked Donnie again. He growled and took a step toward her.
“I wouldn’t if I were you, man.” Carson stood there, knowing he might be as tall as the other man but if it came to a fight, he would lose. He didn’t have the body mass or the anger on his side.
“People need to stay out of my business.” Donnie wiped at the spittle on the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah, I understand that.” Carson glanced at his brother and a younger man, one he hadn’t met. They were conscious and recovering their senses. He focused on the unfriendly giant standing in front of him.
“I’m going to kill you, Isaac West. You don’t get in a man’s business.”
“But if the business is dealing drugs on this ranch, Donnie, you’re the one in the wrong,” Kylie said.
In the distance Carson heard the sound of sirens. Donnie lunged for Kylie but Carson blocked him, taking a blow to his jaw from the solid steel fist.
Reunited with the Rancher Page 11
