by Erin Mallon
A round of applause works its way through the room.
“Before we get back to the music and merriment, allow me to introduce you to a wonderful young scientist who has been an integral member of our team this spring as we brought those gorgeous creatures you see in the center of the room to rest safely here in our halls. She is going to briefly tell you a bit more about our project. Miss FitzGerald, the microphone is all yours.”
It’s time.
My heart starts to pound in anticipation of what I’m about to do.
“Did I mention I’m giving a speech?” I say to Sasha, hoping I sound more confident than I feel.
“A speech? What the hell, Lope?”
“Don’t call me Lope,” I say as I stand and smooth out my dress.
“Sorry! I just… perhaps you should have told me this information before I helped you drown your sorrows in liquor? Can you maybe see how that would have been a wise move?”
“I can see that, yes. Nevertheless… here I go.”
“Calliope? Where are you?” Dr. Knowles says into the microphone accompanied by a confused smile into the crowd.
I walk boldly toward the podium, with only the tiniest momentary wobble on my high heels.
“There she is!” Dr. Knowles’ voice feels like it’s reverberating through my skull.
I paste a wide smile on my face and whisper to myself, “I am Calliope Fitzerald. I am the shizz, and imma kill this.”
I take my spot at the podium.
“Thank you, Dr. Knowles. And hello, everyone. It is an absolute honor to be here tonight. And to be asked to speak at an event like this? Well, in the words of Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar, ‘We’re not worthy!’ Hahaha! Not Wayne’s World fans, huh? That’s fine, that’s fine. So… yeah. When Dr. Knowles first asked me to speak tonight, I was thrilled. Prepared a traditional speech and everything. But… a lot has happened since then, so I decided to change course and speak directly from the heart.”
“Oh no.” I hear Sasha say. She must have chased after me when I came forward because she’s right near the front now. Good. A supportive audience is always good.
“…which for those of you who know me, isn’t my yoozsh – you know, matters of the heart. For all you boomers out there, and by the sea of silver I’m seeing, I’m guessing that’s quite a few of you, buh-dum-bum-chh! That was a rim shot. Anyway, when I say yoozsh, I mean usual. Speaking from the heart is not my usual. You see Trix up there? That’s right, ma’am, see that beautiful lady T-Rex behind you? Yeahhhhh. Trixie, there, is my spirit animal. Now, a lot of people say ‘Oh fill-in-the-blank is my spirit animal,’ but they don’t really mean it. I mean it in the most literal sense. My actual spirit recognizes her, and she recognizes me. It’s true! A few weeks ago, when I was high on shrooms while chaperoning the museum sleepover, she winked at me. It was like she recognized a kindred spirit.”
I pause just long enough to see the dumbfounded looks on the sea of faces in front of me.
“There’s always been a… a hardness about me. I’m not sure why. I’ve never been one of those go-with-the-flow kind of people. I’m not a peaceful, slow-moving Apatosaurus lifting my long elegant neck up to the trees to nibble on leaves while taking in the morning breeze. No, friends. I’m a fucking T-Rex going after what I want like a sonofabitch. With my razor-sharp teeth and wit and determination…”
“Calliope, I think that’s enough—”
“Thank you, Dr. Knowles, but this is important. I’ll just be another minute. So. Most people reach out to other people with their arms, yeah? But when you’re a motherfucking T-Rex, I’ll tell ya something, that’s not easy! First of all, you have these ridiculously short puny arms that can reach out all they want…” I do some clever physicalizations to illustrate my point. “…but they never seem to touch anything, which is humiliating for powerful creatures like us! Second of all, once you get known as being fierce and hard and unyielding, it’s pretty hard to break that pattern. So you act the way people have come to expect of you. You lash out, and you protect what’s yours… even when someone else gets hurt in the process. I hurt someone, ladies and gentlemen. He means absolutely everything to me, and I hurt him. All to protect myself and this stupid image I hold so tightly to. Ralph? Are you listening? That’s right, his name is Ralph. Ya know, I can be judgey, and when I first learned his name was Ralph, I had my doubts that I could get it on with someone with that name…”
“Hey Calliope,” I hear Sasha whisper. “Maybe we should –“
“No no, hear me out for a second. ‘Ohhh, give it to me Ralph. Harder, Ralph.’ Sounds kind of silly, right? But let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing silly about making love to that man. That’s right, I said making love, and I don’t care how cheesy that sounds because let it be known that I was the woman in that security video. I was the one he made crazy, passionate, ass-in-the-air love to in that very corner of this museum’s exhibition hall. Yes, that’s right, sir! Right where you’re standing, sir!”
The room collectively gasps, while the elderly man I’m addressing takes a step to the side.
“Okay, let’s be real, though. Who among us has not fornicated on the floor of a public museum, high on psychedelics, while they were supposed to be chaperoning precious pairs of parents and children?”
Nearly every hand in the museum slowly raises.
“That’s fair. Okay. I just had to say something. I couldn’t let this beautiful man take the fall alone without me acknowledging my part in it for one more day. Ralph? Are you listening? Ralph?”
“Yeah, Callie?” That beautiful voice that rumbled its way into my heart the very first time I heard it soars over the silent crowd. And then I see him. He walks through the crowd of people and stands directly in front of me, as open and as vulnerable as I’ve ever seen him.
“I love you,” I choke out. “I’ve never said that to anyone before, but holy moly, do I love you.”
His smile lights up the room. And I swear, the rest of the people, the rest of the world disappears at that moment.
“I was mad at you when we first met because it was your stupid space rock that plummeted to Earth and decimated my dinos. I know, but I never said I was a rational person. What I didn’t realize though was that you were about to do the very same thing to me. And I’m so glad you did. You are the big ass, beautiful asteroid that plunged into my hard, little heart and broke it wide open so it would never be the same. But instead of sending me to extinction, you introduced me to a whole new life. I love you, Ralph, and I don’t want to have to live without you.”
You could hear a pin drop in the room right now.
Ralph—and over three hundred other people for that matter—just stares at me.
It didn’t work.
I put everything on the line, and it didn’t work.
“I, uh… I’m sure it’s clear by this point that I have had several too many margaritas at this here gala, but please know that I meant every word I said.” I peek at Ralph. “Even if it’s not reciprocated. I thank you all for listening and huge thanks to the entire team at the museum for believing in me and—”
Ralph rushes forward and cuts me off with an epic kiss.
I return the kiss as though my life depends on it.
When he pulls back, his hands on my cheeks, his eyes shiny and smiling, he says, “You, Calliope FitzGerald, are an absolute lunatic.”
“And?” I say, hopefully.
“And… I love you too.”
We kiss again.
The entire room erupts into applause.
Epilogue
Three Months Later
“You find something?”
Ralph saunters over to me, Mexican dust and dirt all over his sweet face, and places a small rock into my palm.
“Yeah,” he says, his eyes glittering with excitement. “
What does this look like to you?”
I study the rock, then beam up at him.
“Amazing, isn’t it? That after over sixty-five million years, there are still more to be found?”
“Shall we add it to our collection?”
“We shall indeed.”
I cradle the rock safely in my pocket with one hand while the other hand reaches out and threads its fingers through his.
“Sun’s getting low,” he says. “Want to start heading back?”
“You bet.”
We share a sweet, soft kiss, then stay connected as we walk hand in hand toward the sunset.
Now wait a damn minute.
You’re wondering how the hell we got here, right?
That’s fair.
All right. Quick recap. So, after the gala night, everything was immediately awesome. The heads of the museum came up to me and thanked me for my unique spin on the evening and for my contributions to the Trix and Monty Project on the whole. Gala guests formed a line to talk to me, commending me for my honesty, telling me how inspired they were now to go out and find a love of their own and to never let that person go. Not only did I keep my internship, but I got promoted to a full-time position with an amazing benefits package and my very own office.
Are you kidding me?
No, they definitely fired my ass. Tout suite. Job over. Internship credits denied. In fact, I was instantly banned from attending any museum events for the next year until I learned how to “conduct myself” like an adult. The official firing came from the president and CEO, who was none too pleased that evening. I’m assuming Dr. Knowles could have stepped in to plead my case for me if she wanted to, but she didn’t. And I don’t blame her one bit. I would have fired me too. Though I have to say, if they did an honest poll of the gala attendees? I think most would agree that Ralph and I provided way more entertainment that night than the stuffy proceedings they were expecting. I daresay they definitely got their money’s worth and more on this one.
Oh, and it probably goes without saying that I was also axed off the South Dakota dig, yeah? A heartbreaker for sure, but again, fully expected and understood.
I didn’t see or speak to Dr. Knowles for weeks after that night. She didn’t even come out to say goodbye to me on that humiliating Monday morning when I came to collect my things from my intern nook, adjacent to her office. So you can imagine my surprise when I received the following email:
Dear Miss FitzGerald,
My name is Harold Zanger. I’m one of the head excavators and scientists working on Project Impact in Mexico. As you are likely aware, we have been stationed in the Yucatan Peninsula for over four years studying the Chicxulub crater. It’s an exciting time here. We have astronomers, paleontologists, and geologists alike onsite, constantly gathering new evidence and illuminating the mysteries of what occurred here over sixty-five million years ago, an incident which has proved to be the biggest event our Earth has ever experienced.
My colleague and dear friend Dr. Eileen Knowles recommended you as someone who would be a wonderful asset to our team this summer. If this is of interest to you, please respond to this note, and we’ll set up a time for an over-the-phone interview.
Wishing You all the Best,
Dr. Harold Zanger
Project Impact
She did it again.
She gave me a chance to make my way in this world.
She believed in me even when I didn’t deserve it.
And she gave us a chance to be together.
I think I have officially found my new spirit animal.
As Ralph and I continue to walk, I squeeze his hand and say, “You know what I just realized?”
“What’s that?”
“Remember when you said you were at space camp, thinking about me, while I was on the jungle gym thinking about you?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I was like nine when I used to do that.”
“Okay…”
“So that would put you at around fifteen.”
“And your point is?”
“That you were a bit of a creep back then, don’t you think?”
“Oh, come on! I was… transcending time!”
“Transcending time, huh?” I laugh.
“Yes! I was! I was conjuring the… the future version of you. The now version. This one. This woman right here, who I freaking love.”
He holds my face in his hands and kisses me.
“I love you too, boo,” I say.
All of a sudden, he gets weird. Weird and fidgety.
“What’s going on? What’s your problem,” I ask.
“No problem. But I, uh… I have something for you.”
He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small square box, and gets down on one knee.
And what do I do?
I completely flip my shit.
“NO! DON’T DO IT! THINGS ARE PERFECT RIGHT NOW. DON’T RUIN IT!!!!”
My voice bounces around the crater, echoing for what feels like miles.
When the reverberations finally go silent, Ralph looks up at me.
His face twists but not in embarrassment. Not in sadness, either. Nope, the dude’s face is twisted up in hysterical laughter.
“What the hell?” I ask. My emotions are all over the place.
“Oh, you kill me. You absolutely slay me,” he puffs out while catching his breath. “Open it, you dork.”
I take a deep breath and open the box. A tiny metallic dinosaur gleams up at me.
“A Tyrannosaurus Rex key ring,” I say in awe.
“With…?” he prompts.
“A key?”
“Yeah, a key. To my place.”
“You want me to move in with you?”
“Well, I’m hoping pretty soon that we can talk about finding our own place. Together. But until then, when we get back to the city, I want you to know that my home is your home. Callie, wherever you are is where I want to be.”
I start to cry.
“What the hell is happening? I’m not a crier!”
I say this at the same exact time he says, “Whoa. What is this reaction? You’re not a crier.”
I reach into my pocket, pull out a tiny burlap sack, and hold it out to him.
“What is that?” he asks.
“Open it, you dork,” I repeat his words from a few moments ago.
He undoes the ribbon… and a shiny metallic asteroid key ring—with a key—slides onto his palm.
Silently, he shoots his gaze at me with the sweetest smile on his face, his eyes going all crinkly in the corners.
“Ditto, kiddo.” I beam up at him.
He presses his lips to mine, then pulls back, looks into my eyes, and uses both thumbs to wipe the dirt smudges off my face.
“Did you really think I was going to propose?” He laughs.
“Well? Sort of.”
“Marriage?!”
“Yeah…”
“To you?”
I swat at his shoulder.
“I’m kidding. I’m kidding.” He puts on a serious face. “Come here, you.”
He hugs me tight. I take a few more jabs at him before giving up and letting him hold me.
“Why did you mess with me like that?” I say against his chest. “Getting down on one knee was a real punk move.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I guess I was… practicing? For someday in the future? Possibly? Maybe? Would that be so crazy?”
I pause a bit too long just to make him squirm a bit.
“Callie?” he says with a touch of worry to his tone.
I look into his hopeful eyes.
“Not crazy at all, no.”
“Okay, good,” he breathes. “Because someday down the line, I’m going to do that again, but for rea
l this time. For now though let’s just… go with the flow and see where things land. That work for you?”
“Hell yes, that works for me.”
We kiss.
I look out on the horizon.
“There’s still some light left,” I say. “Mind if we go just a little while longer?”
“I’d love to.”
Then without a word, he pulls two shovels out of our bag and hands one to me.
We kneel to the ground together.
We smile.
We dig.
The End
Thank you for reading FLIRTASAURUS, my debut romantic comedy novel! If you enjoyed it, please leave a review wherever you purchased the book – this helps indie authors SO much and we love you for it.
Stay tuned: next up in The Natural History Series is LOVEBUG, Mabel’s story coming in October 2020!
Note from the Author
This has been such a wild and wonderful ride and there are so many people to thank! First of all, big thanks to you, the reader, for taking a chance on a new author and picking up this book. To all the amazing authors whose books I have had the pleasure of narrating… spending time in the worlds you’ve imagined has taught me so much about the kinds of books I want to create as an author myself. Thank you for the joy you put out into the world and for trusting me with your work! While we’re talking about authors, I have to give a special shout out to the great Lauren Blakely and Amy Daws, who not only write delicious stories full of all the funny and the feels (Seriously, read their books! All of them!), but they are incredibly generous as well. Thank you for answering a newbie’s questions and offering your expert advice along the way. I’m also feeling a lot of gratitude for Alessandra Torre’s courses and Inkers group for all the how-to’s, guidance and comradery.
