“If he did, he never talks about it,” Lee said.
“So when did they finally end it?” I asked.
“Brittany ran off with some amateur rodeo calf roper a year ago and was last seen three states over. Ryder still never talks about her or the baby.”
I exhaled slowly. I thought about Ryder, alone and hurting and I knew I had to see him, to do my best to make things right with him again.
“Ok, enough sadness,” Lee said, “Let me show you around the place. We’ve done some really good things with it, Milner left it in a shambles. I have to collect the eggs anyways before the kids get up. They always break more than they manage to get inside.”
I had to agree, enough sadness. Maybe Mom had been onto something all those years, you could sometimes eat your tears away, especially in the company of old friends.
Ryder
I skittered to a stop, turned on my heel and ducked into the nearest shop. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a hairdressers and every eye in the place was on me the moment I’d walked in the door. I felt a little like a piece of meat in front of a few hungry tigers.
I had just seen Alex walking towards me though, and she was so engrossed in her phone that she hadn't seen me. I found out from Lee a couple days ago that she was here to stay; she was single and back looking for work.
The thought gave me an intense thrill, to think of exploring her body again, sucking her puckered nipples, plunging myself deep into her velvety warmth.
I still hadn’t drawn the courage to see her face to face though. I could seduce a hundred women expertly, have them naked and quivering beneath my skilled hands within an hour of meeting them, but when it came to Alex, I turned into a trembling awkward boy.
I pretended to read the label on a bottle of hair removal cream and saw her pass outside on the other side of the street. Her long legs carried her over the ground at a brisk pace, and I leaned over the glass display shelf to catch a glimpse of that amazing ass wiggling as she walked away.
I exhaled sharply, heard a giggle and remembered that I had an audience. I turned to the gathered ladies, hairdressers and customers alike, grinned, winked and said, “This is perfect, exactly what I was looking for.”
I swear one of the older customers swooned, and the girl ringing up my sale was bright red and giggling uncontrollably. If only I could muster that kind of confidence when it came to the one woman who still drove me crazy.
I tipped my hat and exited the store, listening to the excited voices and nervous laughter as I left.
I found my truck, tossed the store bag on the front passenger seat and crossed the street to Alex’s parents’ store. I wanted to see if I could ‘accidentally’ run into Lee or Alex’s father and find out any information they might have on her situation.
All on the down low, of course.
I was disappointed that Lee wasn’t behind the counter, so I browsed the aisles until I made it down to the back close to Alex’s dad.
“Well, well, well, I haven’t seen you in here for ages,” he said as soon as he saw me.
I feigned surprise and extended my hand to shake his. “I haven’t had much time to get in here,” I said and pushed my hat back on my head.
“Did you run into Alex? She was just in here,” he said and scanned my face. I wondered if he was suspicious of my arrival, but blew it off.
“No, I didn’t. I must have missed her,” I replied and tried my best to look serious. “I hadn’t even heard she was back in town.”
I failed at it and Alex’s dad give me a ghost of a smirk before he said, “Well she is, and she’s single and looking for work. She’s here to stay, and if I were you, I’d make my move quickly. We’ve all known you’re a much better match for her than that Andrew person.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I smiled and glanced around, having gotten the information that I’d come for. “I’ll see you around.”
He smiled at me, knowing what the whole thing had been about but I was satisfied. I’d gotten my answers and I knew what I had to do.
Get my balls back and find out what the hell it meant, having Alex back in town.
Alex
I’d been home for just over a week and had still not managed to bump into Ryder. I’d been around visiting with a few old friends here and there, and looking for work of course, but mostly taking Rio out every chance I got.
I found myself at the fence line where I’d seen Ryder more often than not, but he was nowhere to be seen. I was starting to feel a little obsessive, but thinking about Ryder had kept my mind off the big change moving back here.
I was surprised with the ease I seemed to shed my old life. Andrew had continued to contact me on Facebook, especially after I’d changed my status to ‘single.’ He still wanted to “stay friends” or try and “work something out.”
It disgusted me that he could fuck Sylvie and come crawling back to me when he was realizing I was really gone. I was starting to think Andrew just saw me as a status symbol, like one of his expensive cars. At this point I didn’t even think Andrew had really loved me, how could he when my feelings for him had been so fake?
Now if I could just find acceptable work, I could make my life here permanent. Dad had suggested I take a cashier position in the drugstore, and I had to control myself so I didn’t make my eye roll too obvious. The last thing I wanted was to work for my father.
It was tough, I tried to imagine myself in any number of businesses in town but none of them seemed appealing or challenging. I knew I didn’t want to move back to the city, I couldn’t really afford it, but where would I fit in here? It was such a tough spot to be in, and I didn’t want to end up doing something that bored me to tears. It wasn’t even as if I thought I was too good for those kinds of jobs these days, but it would be a disservice to myself and the employer if I took the job and quit a couple months later.
I wandered into the kitchen to see what Mom was doing today. I’d never noticed before how busy Mom always seemed. As a teenager, I imagined Mom sitting at home all day watching soap operas. As an adult, I had to admire the projects and community volunteering Mom was constantly involved in, things she genuinely enjoyed.
“Hey sweetie, want to help me organize seed packs? I want to plant the garden in the next couple of weeks. Just think about how nice it will feel to dig into the earth and plant your own food for a change.”
“That is one thing I really missed, being able to walk out and grab a fresh tomato if I needed it,” I admitted.
“Do you even have any farm clothes anymore? I know you wear jeans, but I don’t think all that bling is going to go well with the dirt,” Mom teased me.
“I could go through my old clothes and see if I have anything left. Did you keep anything?” I asked.
“Of course dear, they’re all in the basement, along with most of the things I packed up for you. You never did ask for it though,” Mom replied with a smile and a scolding glance.
“We had no storage at our place mom, you saw it, it was a 1200 square foot loft, where would I have put my grade eight journals and old movie posters?” I laughed.
“I guess you’re right,” Mom replied. “I’m so glad you’re back now, you can get settled down and have all the space you need.”
I grabbed one of Mom’s fresh cookies and dodged her swatting hand as she told me they were for the church bake sale. Laughing, I walked down the stairs to the basement and switched on the light in the storage area.
I looked around and saw boxes of Christmas decorations and old fishing trophies piled up. In one corner were several boxes marked “Alex’s things,” so I headed over and plunked myself down in front of them.
The first thing I pulled out was my old photo album. The picture on the front made me laugh, Lee and I were posed in front of a row of lockers, hair painted green, arms around each other, sticking our tongues out at the photographer. I remembered that day, St. Patrick’s Day in the ninth grade, a year before I met Ryder.
> I pulled out another bundle of photos — my Ryder bundle — and dug through them. Memories came at me in waves; we looked so happy in every one of the pictures, smiling and active, an easy relationship that had blossomed into a passionate love.
I had truly never felt that way with Andrew, I’d always felt as though I had to hide my background, cover up the piece of me that was still a small town girl at heart.
Ryder was so different, he knew me, knew my family, and loved every inch of me no matter what. I knew his love would have been unconditional, I couldn’t have ever said the same thing about Andrew.
A couple of hours later I resurfaced holding three pairs of jeans and a few flannel cowgirl shirts. I was going to look like a country girl again; a thought that pleased me. I felt more honest and authentic wearing clothes such as this. Luckily my boots still fit me too, and the bonus was that I loved how I looked in cowboy boots and jeans.
My one self indulgent source of pride was my ass; I knew it looked fantastic and filled out a pair of jeans perfectly, a tight little upside-down heart that wiggled when I walked. I used to love feeling Ryder’s eyes on me as I walked away; I used to wave it in front of him like a red flag to a bull. He was never too proud to admit he was filled with lust at the sight of me.
Mom turned towards me and said, “There’s a message for you. I tried to get your attention earlier but you didn’t hear me. I wrote it down, over there.” She gestured towards the kitchen counter.
I grabbed the note and read, “Call Mr. Harris at home,” scrawled in her hand.
“Mom, this is Ryder’s dad? Why does he want to talk to me?” I asked her. My hands felt weak and were almost shaking with the shock of seeing Ryder’s father’s name on the paper.
“Yes it is, and I don’t know what he wants dear, we just chit chatted about the weather and their new stallion. You’ll have to call him back and find out,” she replied with a small smile.
I picked up the phone with trembling hands. I gave myself a little pep talk and tried to regain my composure. I slowly dialed the number and waited for it to be picked up.
“Hello?” Mr. Harris answered on the third ring.
“Mr. Harris, this is Alexandria Miller calling back.”
“Alex! So glad you could call me back. I heard you were back in town and want to talk to you. Could you come over to the main house tomorrow afternoon... say two o’clock?”
“Sure thing Mr. Harris, could you give me at least a hint what this will be about?”
“Don’t worry Alex, you’re not in trouble,” he said with a deep chuckle. “We’ll discuss everything tomorrow.”
“Ok, I’ll see you then,” I replied and hung up.
Ryder
I’d always thought the best thing about living in a small town was also the worst. Information travelled around little community like lightning, the moment information was out of the bag, there was no way to contain it.
Alex being back had been the biggest thing going around since my break up with Brittany, and once again I hated being the center of it.
This time the town was buzzing over Alex and I, whether or not we’d get back together or what her return meant for us both.
I had to admit it, seeing her again made me lose courage…and that was bizarre, the one thing I did exceptionally well was talk to women. Usually it was talking them out of their panties and talking them onto the end of my dick, but this was different.
This was Alexandria.
I was down at the feed store and overheard the manager talking about Alex as I approached the front counter with our grain order.
I didn’t say anything as he complained that she had dropped off a resume, she’d been looking for work.
“Like I’m going to hire somebody with an MBA to run cash at a place like this,” he said to his employee.
“Yeah, good choice. What the hell is an MBA anyhow? And what are you supposed to do with it?” the other man asked and shook his head with disgust.
“It’s a Masters of Business,” I dove in, unable to keep quiet as they danced on the border of dissing my Alex. “And she did amazing things with it in the city, like running major investment accounts for clients. Multi million dollar accounts.”
“That’s what I mean,” the manager said and pushed his cap back on his head. “What the hell does she want to do here for minimum wage?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I reckon she’s just looking for a way to make a living in this little town of ours.”
“She shoulda thought about that before taking off,” the employee said. Mike was his name, and he was a year or two younger than me so he would have been a classmate of Alex’s. I didn’t like him or the attitude he was giving over Alex, but I couldn’t pin down exactly why it angered me.
I supposed I still felt a little possessive of her, and him mocking her meant he was mocking me.
“But she’s back, and you’re gonna have to play nice even if you’re angry that she left,” I said and handed the manager my list of grain and seed needed for the ranch. “Now if you’ll have that delivered as usual, you can send the invoice and we’ll mail a check.”
They looked confused at my irrational anger, but I didn’t give a fuck.
I had to figure out a way to get Alex closer to me, and I thought I might have just the thing.
“You want me to pay the woman who broke your heart to go through our books?” Dad exclaimed over lunch later that day.
“I reckon I do.” I grinned. “I know it sounds nuts but I think this would be a good fit.”
“A good fit for us or for her?” Mom asked me with one eyebrow arched. “Or a good fit for you?”
I sighed and had to chuckle. Mom always saw through my intentions. Maybe a little from each column,” I replied. “Nothing wrong with being interested in an old flame.”
“An old flame who destroyed you when she ran out of town,” Mom said, her lips pursed in a grim line. “I don’t know if I can handle seeing that woman every day, especially in my house.”
“She’s not Brittany, Mom,” I replied. “She was young and dumb and made a mistake.” I didn’t know why I felt like I had to defend Alex to my parents, I didn’t even know what her state of mind was these days. Why was I still so god damned possessive of her?
“Don’t you ever bring up that name in my house,” Mom hissed at the mention of Brittany. “After everything that happened with her and…the baby.”
“All right, let’s change the subject, shall we?” Dad dove in and eyeballed me to shut the hell up.
“Let’s,” Mom agreed and Dad took her hand. “Okay, I don’t mind hiring Alex to help out with our business. It’s a mess and I know she’d be able to clear it all up. Just keep a close eye on your heart, Ryder. I don’t want to see you go through hell again.”
“I will, Mom, I promise,” I replied and reached for a sandwich. Mom still liked to have us home for lunch and dinner as much as possible. Dad always found his way in from the fields and I did my best to stop by between clients. “And any time you feel upset about Alex being back in my life, just think about how much worse it could be. She and I are meant to be together, do you really want me to go through another marriage with somebody who doesn’t love me just to protect my heart?”
“You have a point,” Mom said with pursed lips. She wasn’t happy about Alex, but I knew she’d always loved her like a daughter so once she realized Alex was still the love of my life, she’d settle down.
And like I’d said, anything was better than another fiasco like Brittany, so I had her over a barrel in that regard.
“I’ll give Alex a call tomorrow,” Dad said. “If she agrees, then we’ll give her a chance, but only because you vouch for her.”
“Sounds good, that’s all I wanted,” I replied and chewed slowly, trying to picture Alex here with us as part of the family.
As much as my heart was guarded against her and the threat she held over me, my body ached to be near her again. I had the crazie
st compulsion to feel her in my arms again, and I couldn’t help myself, I knew that would happen.
Alex
I was trembling with nervous energy as I slowly drove up the long private road to the Red Rock Ranch main house.
Tall sweeping trees lined the drive, and white pristine fences kept their herd of prize Quarter Horses on display. A bright bay with a white face ran along the fence, following my car, shaking its head and snorting at me. I felt an urge to stop my car and jump on its back, race across the fields and never be seen again. I smiled to myself at my own foolishness and kept driving, the bay veering away and racing into the herd.
I had a feeling of déjà vu, like I had never left, but also like I didn’t quite belong. I just didn’t know how I would feel when I saw Ryder again, and more importantly, how would he react when he saw me?
I had been thinking about him constantly for the last few days, he took up the space in my head that Andrew should be occupying. These days Andrew seemed like a useless distraction from Ryder in spite of his many attempts to engage my attention on Facebook and via text.
I’d spent so many years keeping thoughts of Ryder at bay that the dam burst when I’d allowed myself that fantasy the first night in town. I couldn’t keep the flood of memories out of my head now, but I felt unsettled, as though I’d stepped into an alternate version of my town, my own head.
Images of Ryder were juxtaposed on everything I saw, and yet he was absent from my life. I needed to see him; it had become an almost uncontrollable compulsion.
I pulled up in front of the house and got out of the car, taking a moment to look around for the first time in years.
The house was a sprawling rancher built in a ‘U’ shape around the central courtyard and pool. The front wall was built from field stones Ryder’s great-great-grandfather had handpicked out of the first hay field over a hundred years ago. The rest was built with rustic locally-sourced materials, wood and logs milled right from the property. The pool and stone patio had been a welcome later addition, put in by Ryder’s parents.
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