Behavior
Description Disclosure
of Feeling Effect
When you make plans with
me and then cancel at
the last minute …
I feel irritated …
because it is
too late to make
plans with my
other friends.
When you make loud noises
when I am watching TV …
I feel annoyed …
because I can’t
concentrate on
the show.
When you don’t take
accurate telephone
messages …
I feel upset …
because I lack
information and
can’t return
calls that may
be very important.
When you don’t give me an
answer on my request for a
vacation during the last
two weeks of July …
I feel frustrated …
because I can’t
plan my summer.
When you eat early on
weekends and don’t prepare
your breakfasts quietly … I feel angry …
because I wake
up an hour or
two earlier than
I planned to get
up.
A VOYAGE OF SELF-DISCOVERY
AND GROWTH
One of the things that has fascinated our teaching staff and students alike is the amount of self-discovery involved in framing assertion messages. When we are concentrating on altering another person’s intrusive behavior, we can learn a lot about ourselves.
Probably the biggest insight comes when the asserter tries to phrase the concrete effect that another’s behavior has on his life. One assertion after another is discarded—as many as half to three-quarters of them—because they fall into the values area and constitute an intrusion on the other person’s space rather than a defense of the asserter’s space. As he learns to defend his own space, the typical person tends to develop a greater sensitivity to other people’s territorial boundaries and a much greater acceptance of the other person’s right to his own space, his own values, his own life. As one person said, “Learning to write these assertion messages has enabled me to be more ‘me,’ and at the same time I let other people be more themselves.”
The voyage of self-discovery that accompanies the writing of assertion messages is exciting and productive. At the same time, it can be very difficult. It is hard to toil over words until they describe behavior accurately. It is tough to tune into one’s emotions, and even harder to make oneself vulnerable by expressing feelings to others in the midst of stress. It is also frustrating to discover that one message after another that we wanted to send has no tangible effect and may well mean we want to invade the other person’s turf.
Fortunately, the few assertions that withstand this winnowing process have a high probability of altering the behavior of others. Equally important, the relationships of genuinely assertive persons are stronger, more nearly equal, and more fulfilling. Virtually all our students who discipline themselves to use this kind of assertion find that this journey of self-discovery and growth is well worth the effort.
SUMMARY
Virtually all creatures defend their space using a variety of tactics which fall into one of the two basic categories—fight or flight. Only humans have a third option—verbal assertion. There are effective and ineffective ways of verbally confronting others. One of the most effective methods of confrontation is the three-part assertion message with its nonblaming description of behavior, disclosure of feelings, and clarification of the tangible effect the other’s behavior has on the asserter’s life. In the process of developing a message to change another person’s behavior, the asserter often learns a great deal about himself.
CHAPTER TEN
Handling
The Push-Push Back
Phenomenon
Crisis in dialogue occurs when the participants … fail really to address each other but turn away defensively, each within himself, for the purposes of self-justification.
—Reuel Howe, theologian
SURPRISE ATTACK
Picture this scene. Someone has trespassed on your space, causing an adverse tangible effect on your life. Instead of responding with the inflammatory words so common in such situations, you use the skills learned in the preceding chapter to phrase an assertion message. All elements of sarcasm, put-down, blame, or exaggeration have been deleted. Because you have discharged some of your “negative” emotions while writing the message in private and because you are confident that the other person will ultimately meet your needs, you state your assertion without any “edge” in your voice and without hostile body language. Despite all your efforts to treat the other with respect, she becomes very abusive and verbally attacks you.
Beth had learned how to write three-part assertion messages but had not yet learned the full process of sending the message. Though the class had been warned not to try using the messages until they learned the whole process, Beth thought she would give it a try. Here is her description of what happened:
Three friends and I were eating in a crowded restaurant. The lady at the next table started smoking and the smoke kept drifting toward me. I am allergic to cigarette smoke and my eyes smarted and my throat and nose were affected. I decided to assert myself.
I was very calm and nonabrasive as I said, “When you smoke, it bothers me because I am allergic to cigarette smoke and it causes unpleasant physical reactions that last for hours.”
I anticipated that she would simply stop smoking since I had sent such a nonblameful message. What happened next was unbelievable. The woman said I had incredible gall to ask her to stop smoking. She insisted she had the right to smoke. She said there were no signs in the restaurant prohibiting smoking.
Then I countered that nonsmokers also have their rights.
This seemed to infuriate her even more. She said that all long-haired youths (I’m in my early thirties but I do have long hair) were the same and hated the United States and what it stands for.
I said, “All I asked was that you stop smoking because the smoke is bothering my allergy.”
She countered with a barrage saying that I was uncouth, discourteous, and a shameful person. She continued smoking.
For beginning asserters, this kind of response is totally unexpected. After all, it was the other person who trespassed on Beth’s space. Many people in her situation would have hurled invectives, but she spoke in a reasonable and objective manner. Instead of appreciating Beth’s restraint and consideration, the receiver of her assertion turned on her venomously.
Novices at assertion typically experience this kind of reaction as a surprise attack. They are about as prepared for it as the United States was for Pearl Harbor. Yet this is “par for the course” in human behavior. People usually respond defensively to an assertion.
The skill of sending assertion messages effectively involves learning to expect and deal with people’s defensive responses. For this purpose it is advisable to follow the six-step assertion process described later in the chapter. If an assertion does not work, a checklist can help you determine what went wrong.
THE HUMAN TENDENCY
TO BE DEFENSIVE
Defensiveness is a major factor in every person’s life. A person’s defensiveness often blocks her constructive decisions and actions. Even with one’s best friends a person’s defensiveness makes her feel somewhat vulnerable, so that she guards much of what she says. Since defensiveness is so pervasive in our lives, it is not surprising that people usually respond defensively to assertion messages. Gregory Baum writes:
Strength is needed in every truly human conversation. But, it is especially necessary in the dialogue in which the special word is addressed to us, the word that makes us face who we are, that reveals to us the destructiv
e and superficial in us…. This special word … is always a threat to us. We are tempted to draw up our defenses against it. We tend to feel that if we listen to it we may not survive the judgment contained in it…. [Whenever] man is called … to open himself to the truth, then the power to respond is not something that can be taken for granted…. On the contrary, a man finds present in himself a hundred hesitations to respond, to act, and to be in a new way.
We have a special phrase that we use to describe an assertion and the predictable defensive response to it. We call it the “push-push back phenomenon.” Virtually every assertion message is experienced as a “push.” Even when the assertion is only attempting to remove the other person from the asserter’s territory, the confrontation is experienced as a “push.” In response to that push there is an almost inevitable “push back.”
No matter how well we phrase assertion messages, people seldom like to receive them. Who wants to find out that she trespassed on another’s space and made a tangible and negative impact on that individual? It is uncomfortable to learn that you have adversely affected another’s life. That’s why even the best assertion messages tend to trigger defensive responses from the receiver. We warn our students: “When you send a well-worded assertion message, don’t expect an accolade. Anticipate an attack or some other form of defensive response.”
THE UPWARD SPIRAL
OF INCREASING DEFENSIVENESS
Dr. Jack Gibb, a social psychologist, studied defensiveness by listening to recorded conversations in many different settings over an eight-year period. He discovered that defensiveness in one person tends to trigger defensiveness in the other person(s) in the interaction. As the conversation proceeds, an upward spiral of increasing defensiveness often occurs, causing an escalation of aggressiveness and destructiveness in both parties.
This spiral is very evident when one person asserts to another. The person receiving the assertion is apt to become very defensive. What she actually hears is often a distortion of what was said and her response is typically hostile. This response triggers the other person’s defensiveness and she counters with inflammatory remarks. The vicious cycle of mutual recrimination has begun. After much heat and heartache, the asserter’s needs are still unmet, the relationship suffers, and each person’s self-esteem tends to be diminished.
Not long ago, I heard an assertion get sidetracked by the spiral of increasing defensiveness. The conversation went like this:
Everett: When you leave my tools outside, I feel angry because they get rusty.
Charlene: Well, if you’d do the man’s work around this place, I wouldn’t have to use your damn tools.
Everett: You know as well as I that I’ve had no time to do any repairs this week. I brought work home from the office every night.
Charlene: (sarcastically): You seemed to have lots of time to watch football all Sunday afternoon and on Monday night, too.
Everett: Well, at least I don’t watch those stupid soap operas all afternoon while the house goes to seed around me. Only an imbecile would watch those things.
What I’ve reported here was just round one. The argument soon became even more heated. Everett made some comments about Charlene’s mother and Charlene put down Everett’s ability to satisfy her sexually. Before they were through, they had “thrown in everything but the kitchen sink.”
Everett said, “That night lasted a long time. Two days later there was an uneasy truce between Charlene and I. For a long time we wouldn’t even remember how the fight started.”
A SIX-STEP
ASSERTION PROCESS
In the face of people’s predictable defensive responses, the simple statement of an assertion message rarely achieves results. My colleagues, students, and I have a high degree of success using an assertion process with these six steps: (1) preparation, (2) sending the message, (3) silence, (4) reflective listening to the other’s defensive response, (5) recycling steps 2 through 4 as often as necessary, and (6) focusing on a solution.
Preparation
The preparation for sending an assertion message can make the difference between whether an assertion is successful or not. The first stage of preparation is writing the assertion message before sending it. Writing the message serves two important functions. First, the process of developing the message in advance helps to diffuse some of the asserter’s pent-up feelings. The other advantage of writing your message is that when it is appropriately formulated, you will be confident that it is appropriate, brief, nonblameful, and capable of getting your needs met. When beginners at assertion ad lib, they usually formulate less effective messages.
Part of the preparation before asserting involves testing the appropriateness of the message. There are four tests that I use. First, I ask myself: Am I refraining from trespassing on the other person’s space? If the message has a concrete and tangible effect, I am fairly certain that I am not intruding on someone else’s turf. Next I ask myself whether I am asserting about something that is a persistent concern. Though there will be some occasions when it is appropriate to assert the first time that someone trespasses on my space, these situations will be fairly infrequent. This test helps prevent that curse of interpersonal relations—nagging. Then I ask whether I have built a base of trust with the other person. Though there will be occasions when it is appropriate to assert before rapport has been established, an assertion that is sent before trust develops is more likely to have severe repercussions on the relationship and on motivation. The final test is an assessment of whether I am likely to get my needs met through an assertion. It is a firm law of assertion training to send your first assertions to those persons and in those situations where there is a high likelihood of getting your needs met. With this success and experience behind you, you can slowly work your way up to more difficult assertions.
These four tests of the appropriateness of the assertion message will weed out many of them. The ones that remain, however, will have a high likelihood of changing the other person’s behavior and strengthening the relationship.
Many times the preparation for an assertion includes a rehearsal of the interaction. Before a press conference, the president of the United States meets with his press secretary and major policy advisors. These people ply the president with all the questions they expect media representatives to ask during the press conference. This dress rehearsal helps the president to shape and practice his responses to the difficult issues that may be raised, and thus to do a more competent job at the actual reportorial confrontation. Presidents Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, and Carter all used this preparation at times. Though they did not use this label, they were employing behavioral rehearsal, one of the most successful assertiveness training techniques.
For a behavioral rehearsal, select a quiet place and arrange to be uninterrupted. Write your message before you send it. Instruct the person role-playing the other’s part to respond defensively at first. Demonstrate some examples of defensiveness. For the first “dry run,” allow the other to be defensive in whatever ways she chooses. The key is for you to remember to alternate between assertion and reflective listening. Later, you may wish to tell or show your practice partner how the recipient of your message is apt to respond. If she can role-play that type of defensiveness, all the better. But it is not necessary. Instruct your practice partner not to be “harder than life.” In the practice session, you should achieve your assertive goal if you follow the assertion process.
Securing an appointment to converse with the the other can be very important for the success of your assertion. If you have not agreed to talk for at least ten minutes to half an hour, the other can make the defensive response of breaking the session off in the middle, saying she has other things to do right now. That’s a very frustrating and needless way to have an assertion session aborted.
Select the place carefully. If at all possible, avoid confronting the other person in public. (In some classes, families and other groups, where there is a h
igh level of trust established and when the behavior to be asserted about is relevant to the whole group, and when the asserter is experienced, it may be preferable to assert in the presence of the group.) Determine whether the confrontation should take place in a location comfortable to the other, comfortable to you, or on “neutral” ground. When first asserting, it may be helpful to you to do it on “your ground.” Later, if you can be sure you will be free of interruptions, you may choose to assert on the other’s ground or in a neutral territory.
Timing is important. In family situations, try to avoid asserting during the “arsenic hour”—the time just before dinner when everyone is tired, hungry, and irritable and when they may also be rushed.
Sending the Assertion Message
Once the assertion message is prepared, the appointment made, and the time is at hand, the message can be delivered. The way the message is sent helps determine the successfulness of the assertion.
I don’t begin the interaction with “small talk.” I get down to business quickly. I’m very serious and want to communicate that without being heavyhanded. I may preface my assertion message with a few sentences like this:
Bob: Thanks for setting aside time to see me today. (Pause for other to speak if she chooses.)
Sally: It’s a busy day, but I wanted to make the time.
Bob: I appreciate it because I’d like to work out something that is bothering me. Sally, when you … I feel … because….
In contrast with this direct approach, beginning with small talk tends to undermine the seriousness of my intent. If I talk about Sally’s son pitching a winning game in the Little League, she may not take my assertion quite as seriously or as soon as when I plunge right into my message within the first few sentences.
People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts Page 21
