by Anna Sugden
“Were you angry at me?” Kayla asked, trying not to sound defensive. “It’s okay if you are, we just need to figure out what to do.”
“No, it’s Dad. Sometimes I get so mad at him I could just burst.”
Blinking back tears, Kayla nodded. “You’ve never talked about it.”
“You want us to love him.” Alex stopped and she held her breath. “But sometimes I don’t, and that makes me feel rotten, as if there’s something wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
How complicated could life get for her kids? It was supposed to be better for them than it had been for her.
“But you’re always saying you love Grandma...your mom, I mean,” Alex said. “And even if I don’t know much about it, I guess it wasn’t very nice for you growing up.”
Swallowing, Kayla thought back to her childhood, when she’d been scared most of the time, and angry, and sad. Alex needed her to be honest, so she began to tell him what it had been like growing up with a clinically depressed alcoholic mother.
His eyes grew wide.
“I loved her,” Kayla concluded, “but I also hated her. I couldn’t understand how she could care more about a drink than me. There were so many times I wanted to leave and never have to think about her again.”
Understanding suddenly dawned on Kayla. She’d wanted to run away, too. Far away. She’d finally left because of Alex, knowing she couldn’t let Carolyn hurt her grandson the way she’d hurt her daughter.
“But you didn’t leave,” Alex said.
“Not until after you were born,” Kayla said slowly. “In the end I decided I couldn’t stop loving her, but I wouldn’t give her the power to bang my heart around. It was as if I had to put up a wall between us to protect myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to you.”
“It does, kind of.”
“I suppose you’ll have to do the same thing with your dad. Try to love him even though he’s got problems, and protect yourself when you have to.”
Alex sighed heavily. “I guess.”
Kayla gave him hug and then looked into his eyes. “So what about Jackson? Can you give him a chance?”
“Jackson is all right. For a while I didn’t want any dad at all, only now I’m kind of mixed-up.”
“You’ll figure it out. Just don’t run away from home again. Okay?”
“Okay.” He suddenly grinned mischievously. “Well, if I do, I’ll ask you to go with me.”
“Brat.”
“Grandma says I’m a lot like you, so I guess that means you’re a brat, too.”
After Alex had gone in to watch baseball with the other kids, Kayla went to find her grandparents. They were in the backyard enjoying the late afternoon.
“Alex just told me more about why he ran away,” she told them, dropping into a chair. The heat spell had eased and it was pleasantly cool in the shade. “I think we’ve passed the hump, even if it’ll take time to work it all out. Lord, divorce is complicated.”
Hank nodded. “I never liked representing clients in a divorce—there’s too much pain involved. But I hope it won’t keep you from looking for someone else to love.”
“You’re just an old romantic,” Kayla tried to tease.
“Guilty as charged.” He lifted his wife’s hand and kissed it while Grams glowed.
Kayla knew they were probably still hopeful that she’d get together with Jackson. But even if Jackson became interested in something long-term, he’d expect a woman to give everything in a relationship, to continually prove herself. There would never be any kind of partnership, no give-and-take, no compromises. Everything would have to be done his way.
In a crazy way, she felt sorry for him. He’d gotten badly burned by his marriage and the woman he’d dated after his divorce, but she didn’t want to pay the price for someone else’s misdeeds.
Elizabeth’s voice broke into her thoughts. “We’re going to miss you so much when you’re gone. The time has flown by.”
Kayla bobbed her head. She would miss them, too, but returning to a normal routine was attractive...and getting away from Jackson was even more attractive. Perhaps she could resolve her conflicted emotions once she was back in Seattle.
“Tomorrow is our last day. Maybe the kids and I should spend it here with you instead of going to the Crazy Horse,” she suggested.
“Oh, no, they enjoy the ranch so much,” Elizabeth insisted. “It would be selfish to keep Alex away from Jackson in any case, and we’re invited to spend the day over there as well, along with his side of the family.”
“Sure,” Kayla agreed, still thinking about Jackson. Somehow he’d managed to get through her defenses, though he was the last person she should love. Not that she did love him, she assured herself. And even if she did, it didn’t make any difference. They couldn’t have a future together.
* * *
MORGAN OPENED THE package Kayla had just given her and stared at the silver-and-gold pendant on a real gold chain. It was a figure of a girl, holding up her hands and cupping a glowing round ball.
“Oh, my gosh, it’s so pretty,” she breathed. “What kind of stone is that?”
“It’s called chrysocolla,” Kayla explained. “You’ve had your summer turned upside down because of us, so I wanted to give you something as a thank-you.”
Morgan didn’t know what to say. The girl in the pendant had gold hair, and the way she was reaching up to the milky turquoise color of the stone was like...maybe a fairy tale.
“Is it from a story or something?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. A friend designed it and she loves old Irish and Welsh tales,” said Kayla. “I have a similar one and asked her to send this to Montana for you as a gift. But don’t feel bad if it doesn’t appeal to you.”
“I never had anything so incredible.” No one had given her any jewelry since she’d stopped wearing girlie things. “Can you help me put it on?”
Kayla fastened the chain at the back of her neck and Morgan stood at the mirror, admiring the pendant resting in the open V of her shirt.
“Moooommm,” a voice called from downstairs.
Kayla laughed. “I’d better go find out what DeeDee’s crisis is now.” She turned and left.
Down the hall, Morgan found her dad coming out of his bedroom. “Look what Kayla gave me,” she told him excitedly, pointing to the necklace. “It’s real gold and everything, but I don’t want to look silly. Do you think it’s too fancy for me?”
He looked at her carefully. “Morgan, no woman will ever accuse me of knowing much about fashion, but if my opinion counts, it looks great.”
She smiled, gave him a hug and trotted downstairs.
* * *
JACKSON STARED OUT the window into the backyard, where Morgan had emerged to talk with Alex. Score another one for Kayla Anderson. Whether by instinct or by chance, she’d found something that Morgan loved. There had been an excited glow in his daughter’s eyes that he hadn’t seen in quite a while.
Lord, he’d entirely missed the boat with Morgan, but the worst part was that she’d somehow gotten the idea she wasn’t wanted.
He found Kayla in the living room, picking foxtails from DeeDee’s socks.
“I couldn’t help it,” DeeDee was explaining. “Cory was there and I wanted to see what he was digging up.”
“Next time look before tromping through a bunch of dry grass.”
When Kayla was done, DeeDee raced off while her mother collected stray burrs from the hardwood floor. Her efforts yielded a nice view of her shapely behind, but Jackson kept a firm grip on his reaction.
“Good morning,” he said.
Kayla straightened and he saw that her eyes were carefully guarded. “Hi.”
“I saw the necklace you gave to Morgan. It’s beautiful.”
“I wanted to acknowledge the way her summer plans had to change because of us.”
“It was very thoughtful.”
Jackson didn’t know how to sa
y what he wanted to Kayla, and it wasn’t about jewelry. Naturally, he was grateful for her insight into Morgan, but he needed to talk about the future and all the possibilities he was beginning to imagine.
Still, this wasn’t the right moment. The conversation he wanted would have to wait for a time when the family wasn’t expected.
“How did you know she’d enjoy jewelry like that?” he queried. “It isn’t her usual style.”
“I didn’t know for sure, but I saw her admiring fantasy items several times at the Yellowstone gift shops, so I took a chance and asked an artist friend in Seattle to send it.”
“Does your friend have a website? I’m lame at picking out things a girl would like, so it would be nice to have a good place to buy gifts for Morgan.”
“I’ll email the web address,” Kayla told him.
“Thanks,” he said, the reminder of her imminent departure causing his chest to tighten.
She seemed unaware of his restless energy, or perhaps she assumed he was just horny. And he was, but that wasn’t why he didn’t want her to leave.
“Kayla, when we get a chance, there’s something I’d like—”
“Yoo-hoo,” a cheery voice called as his parents walked in the open door.
“Hey,” he called back.
They warmly greeted Kayla and swept her off to look for Alex. She went without a backward glance, no doubt wanting to keep up the appearance there was nothing going on between them. And maybe from her perspective, nothing was going on.
It was his own fault. He’d been so determined to avoid meaningful relationships with women that he’d damaged most of his existing relationships in the process.
Hell, he hated knowing he’d turned into a cliché. He was just a guy with commitment issues who knew how to have a good time, and apparently everyone in Schuyler knew it.
But the worst part was realizing how much that cliché might interfere with the new things he wanted in his life.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ALEX SAW GRANDMA SARAH come into the backyard and smile at him. She kissed Morgan on the cheek and gave him and DeeDee a hug, her eyes looking watery.
His mom had warned him that some of the family might get emotional since they were leaving the next morning. It made him feel odd, so a little later when Morgan suggested they go for a last ride up to Halloran’s Meadow, it sounded pretty good.
“Jackson says it’s okay with him if we’re back by lunch,” he explained to his mom.
“All right, but don’t stay too long,” she warned. “People are coming over to say goodbye to you and DeeDee.”
He nodded. It would be rude to flake out on the whole day, but a part of him wanted to disappear. There was an ache in his stomach whenever he thought about going back to Seattle.
Morgan had the horses ready and they all left together.
“You aren’t going soft, are you?” Morgan asked when Sandy rode ahead of them with DeeDee and Keri.
“Nah, I’m not going anything, since I was already soft in the head before I got here. At least, that’s what Sandy says.”
Morgan giggled and then sighed. “I wish you were staying longer.”
“I thought you’d be glad to have your dad to yourself again.”
Her face scrunched up and she shrugged. “Sort of, but not really, if you know what I mean. It’s been kind of weird.”
“Gee, thanks for the Montana-size compliment.”
“You know what I meant.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Alex turned Betty as they approached the northwest slope and he realized he’d done it automatically, before Morgan could remind him which direction they needed to go.
Back home DeeDee had been anxious to start horseback-riding lessons with Keri but hadn’t been able to because of her soccer schedule. He’d thought wanting to learn was sort of stupid, but now he wondered if there was a way to go riding sometimes in Seattle. Not that it would be the same as riding on the ranch.
At least he’d gotten to see a foal only a few hours old. It would have been dope seeing it getting born, however gross it might have been. Morgan had teased, saying he’d have freaked out, but that wasn’t true. He wasn’t squeamish; he’d helped when the neighbor’s dog got hit by a car and the blood hadn’t bothered him. Well, the blood hadn’t, he’d just hated seeing Ranger hurting that bad. For a while he’d even thought about becoming a veterinarian. Maybe he should think about it some more.
“Let’s gallop and catch up with the others,” Morgan suggested.
“Sure.” Alex urged Betty into a faster pace and tried to forget his funny feelings about going home.
* * *
KAYLA WAS RESTLESS. As usual, Flora had turned down her help in the kitchen, and there was little else to do. Jackson’s parents had left temporarily, going into town for some shopping, and her grandparents weren’t coming over until later.
“How about the two of us take a ride?” Jackson asked. “No one will be getting here for an hour or so. And if they’re early, they can just hang out at the pool.”
“Okay.”
She was glad he hadn’t suggested a swim, since twice it had led to intimacies she should have resisted. Not that she could have succumbed this time; Flora was there and too much family was expected.
“Will you miss Montana?” Jackson asked as they rode away from the ranch center.
“Yes,” she admitted. “Even as a kid I liked it here—everything was so clean and open and beautiful. Seattle is great and I love it, but it will be nice to visit my grandparents and see Big Sky Country once in a while.”
“I can’t imagine living anywhere else.”
“They say some people’s names are written on the land, and I always knew yours was carved on Montana.”
Kayla wanted to relax and enjoy her last ride before leaving, but it was hard. She couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation she’d had with Alex.
“A penny for your thoughts.” Jackson’s voice broke into her reverie.
She glanced at him. “Sorry. My mind was a million miles away. Well, a few hundred miles, at least. In Seattle.”
“Because you’re anxious to get home.” His voice was tense, no doubt because she’d be taking Alex away from Schuyler.
“Not exactly,” she answered. “I was thinking how life gets messed up, despite our best intentions.”
* * *
JACKSON STOPPED AT one of his favorite views of the ranch, the sadness in Kayla’s face weighing on him.
“What prompted all this introspection?” he asked.
“Alex talked to me last night. I understand I have you to thank for that, by the way.”
“My pleasure. What did he say?”
“It turns out he’s a lot angrier with Curtis than I thought. Maybe even more than I am.”
“You mentioned your divorce was amicable.”
“It was. I felt it would be better for Alex and DeeDee if we were friendly, so while I was desperately disappointed in my husband, I kept it hidden. Now I wonder if that made it harder for them to express their anger and disappointment. I want them to love their father, but he has real problems. Ultimately they have to learn that they can love him, despite his imperfections.”
A question pressed inside Jackson—could she love someone else, despite their imperfections?
Someone like him?
“Maybe it would help Alex and DeeDee if you created boundaries for your ex,” Jackson suggested carefully. “He should be responsible for his decisions, but he seems to rely on you for emotional support. Would it be better for everyone if you shut the door?”
A thoughtful expression crossed Kayla’s face. “You may be right. Boundaries might create a safe zone for the kids. I don’t want them to hate Curtis, in spite of his faults. I just don’t want them to be hurt constantly because he can’t give them the steady affection a kid needs.”
Jackson wanted to say that he could do that. He could love both Alex and DeeDee each day of their lives and
do everything in his power to protect them and make them happy. And he wanted to do that for Kayla, too. He just couldn’t make that kind of declaration in the middle of a discussion about her ex-husband.
Kayla’s potential reaction was hard to guess. She’d been hurt over and over, let down by the people she should have been able to trust.
The big question was whether she’d ever be willing to make another leap of faith, especially with a man who’d once let her down himself. True, he’d been a teenager when it had happened, and she knew he’d changed since then, but he’d hardly become a poster child for healthy relationships.
* * *
KAYLA WAS GLAD to see the kids return to the house soon after she and Jackson finished their own ride.
Around one o’clock her grandparents arrived, along with members of the McGregor family.
“I’m sorry you’re going home,” Madison told her as they sat in the shade of the awning.
“Vacations have to end sometime.”
“Yeah, I know, and Seattle may be a better place to raise kids. I’ve been thinking about moving to the city myself.”
“To Seattle?”
“Maybe. At least somewhere bigger than Schuyler. It’s hard to think of leaving, but the guys are backward here. You’d think they dropped right out of the nineteenth century, especially when it comes to their women.”
Kayla kept back a smile, recalling her clashes with Jackson. “I suppose a few ranchers cling to older attitudes.”
“And others, as well,” Madison added darkly. Kayla had a feeling she was having problems with the man currently in her life.
“Some people in Schuyler seem relatively in step with the modern world,” Kayla said. It was true. Even Jackson didn’t have a problem with her as a businesswoman; his issues with females were based on entirely different ideas. It was possible he might shed some of his chauvinism if he was determinedly kicked in the right direction.
“Maybe. You know, you’ve been good for the family.”
