And he kept this room as a shrine to his wife’s memory. Belle wondered if he was punishing himself—like this was some kind of karmic penalty for his bad deeds.
“Just like my father, I lost it all in one horrible moment.”
Belle’s heart ached for him. It was a devastating loss.
“You’ve been through hell lately, and I wanted you to know I’m here for you.” Dix cleared his throat. “I’ve kept you at a distance, and that ain’t fair. I can’t give you anythin’ real or lastin’—it just ain’t in me anymore—but I’d like the chance to know more about you. Tell me about your dad.”
Belle swung her foot back and forth. She liked the inequality in a therapeutic relationship. Belle enjoyed hearing other people’s stories and helping them, but when it came to sharing her own pain, she didn’t like exposing her vulnerability to others.
“You don’t let people in easily, do you?”
“Men? No.”
Belle would never be stupid enough to let anyone in. It left a person weak and defenseless. Dix was living proof—losing his wife had nearly killed him.
“Come on.”
Belle sighed. “It’s a long conversation.”
She traced the roots of her man issues to the relationship with her father. Belle didn’t trust men—ever. An old joke summed up her feelings nicely.
How do you know a man is lying to you? His lips are moving.
“I got the time. Besides, I shared my ghosts with you.”
Hmph. Ghosts. Belle had been living with the specter of her father for years. And Dix was right, sharing a bit with him would only be fair.
Where to begin? There were so many ugly little secrets.
“I always thought Hallmark should make a line of cards for crappy dads so I could send Emmett a truthful Father’s Day card. Something like Thanks for making me distrust men.” It felt good to be glib about the situation.
Dix chuckled.
“My parents’ relationship started out as an affair.” Belle wondered if that’s why karma had stomped all over their lives. “Emmett had a wife and two kids when they first met, but it didn’t stop Carolina from pursuing him.”
“What about his wife?”
“Emmett asked her for a divorce after he and my mom shacked up. They couldn’t afford much.” Mostly because Emmett had gotten taken to the cleaners by his ex, and rightly so. “They were happy for a year—or so my mom told me.”
“And then he got restless?”
“Emmett liked to ‘alley cat around’—his term for screwing everything in a skirt. And Mom was so in love with him, she went along with it.” Belle remembered seeing photos of them together at a barbecue when they were first dating—before her mother had burned them. Everyone had strained smiles on their faces as if they knew Carolina was about to make a huge mistake. Though Belle doubted anyone could’ve talked her out of it.
“Love has a way of blindin’ you.”
“So I’ve heard.” She’d studied romantic attachment but had never fallen prey to it. “And then she got pregnant with me. I was an accident.” She took another sip of coffee, bracing herself.
“Emmett made a decent living running an auto parts store, but money was tight. But then Emmett got an insurance payment for his ex-wife’s death and a ‘raise’ a work.”
Dix frowned. “I still think there’s somethin’ fishy about her death.”
She couldn’t wrap her head around it.
“Emmett’s a criminal, but he’s no killer. We found out later he was embezzling from the auto parts place. He hadn’t gotten a raise like he’d said.”
“So we can add liar to his resume. Your father’s a piece of work.”
“Tell me about it. He was a good provider—only because he stole from people—but a terrible father and husband. After his ex-wife died, Emmett shipped his kids off to live with an aunt. And he went out of his way to be an asshole to me.”
Her nails bit into her palms, and Belle forced herself to continue. “Emmett never hit me, but he was emotionally abusive. Growing up, I had a weight issue. Emmett called me Piggy, and he would question me every time I ate food. ‘You’re eating again?’ He’d say cruel things like ‘you’re like a hog in slop’ if I enjoyed a meal. When I’d cry, he said I needed to ‘learn how to take a joke.’”
“Emmett’s an asshole.”
“Yeah, big time.” Inexplicably, it felt good to tell Dix. “Although, when I turned ten, he finally gave me some positive attention. I made friends with the boy who lived across the hall. On weekends, Emmett arranged playdates with Joey’s mother, Leslie. At the time, my mom had Mondays and Tuesdays off and worked the rest of the week. Emmett had the more traditional Fridays and Saturdays off.”
“Playdates?” Dix shifted closer. “Why do I got a bad feelin’ about this?”
“You’re right on track. I didn’t know until later that they were playdates for both of us. While I hung out with Joey, he screwed Leslie. My dad used me as a beard for his affairs. Carolina was exhausted at the time, going through a tough time at work. I guess she hadn’t been paying enough attention to Emmett, so he fucked the neighbor.”
What kind of asshole uses a playdate with his child as a front for screwing around? He’d made her complicit in his infidelity. Then again, he’d banged other women in front of her mother—the concept of morality was foreign to him.
“And the dumbass fucked his own neighbor? Classy.”
Belle chuckled. If she didn’t laugh at this sort of thing, she’d cry.
“What about Leslie’s husband?”
“She’d just gotten a divorce, so she had plenty of time to fuck my dad.” Belle shook her head. “I don’t understand it. Why involve me?”
“No fuckin’ idea. How’d it end?”
Belle had to dig deep to tell him the next bit.
Instead of offering meaningless words of reassurance, he sat and waited. Belle appreciated it. Few people listened. Most were looking for an opportunity to speak again.
“I brought it all crashing down. I was a precocious kid, and I knew something wasn’t right between Emmett and Leslie. One day, I overheard him say he loved her.” She snorted. “Like Emmett has any clue what the word means.”
Every time she thought about him, Belle boiled with rage.
“What did you do?”
“I told my mom what was going on.”
Carolina had suspected something was off, but Belle had given her proof—so her mom made Belle confront her father and tell him what she’d overheard. She still couldn’t believe Carolina put her in the middle of their relationship.
“My mom made me confront him. Emmett swore up and down I was lying, then he said he wished I’d never been born.”
Well, fuck him— if he didn’t want her, then she didn’t want him, either.
“Jesus, they wouldn’t win any parentin’ awards.”
“Not so much.” Belle felt cold all of a sudden. “Afterward, the bastard stormed off, and he never came back home.” Carolina had blamed Belle for ending their relationship. “My mom lost it. She stopped going to work and got fired. So she spent her days in bed, crying and watching daytime television. I did everything I could to take the pressure off. I did laundry, packed my own lunches…I even made dinner—simple stuff like mac and cheese—but she refused to eat.”
“It’s a lot of responsibility for a child.”
Belle hadn’t thought so at the time. “And then everything exploded. Emmett got arrested and received probation. He was ordered to repay what he stole, which meant liquidating his assets—along with my mother’s, since they had a common law marriage. Emmett and Leslie moved into a cheaper apartment and, faced with eviction, my mom tried to commit suicide.”
Dix hugged her, and Belle let him. For a long moment, neither of them said anything. Carolina had been unconscious on the floor, her body unresponsive, eyes rolled up in the back of her head. Belle still had nightmares about it.
“Jesus. Did you find her?�
��
“Yeah, when I came home from school. She’d been seeing a therapist and took all of her depression meds, then washed them down with a bottle of wine. I never want to be like her—care more for a man than my own life.” Or her own daughter.
“Is that why you became a therapist?”
Belle hadn’t realized it until much later. “Yeah, I think so. I wanted to know what makes people tick.”
“What happened afterward?”
“I was put in foster care, and my mom was hospitalized. Eventually, she was cleared for outpatient care, but she’d lost her apartment and had to live in a homeless shelter while she searched for a job.” Her chest tightened. “One night, it was too much. She jumped off the bridge and into Bear Lake. They found her body the next morning.”
The next day, the school counselor pulled her out of class. Mrs. Whitmore had broken the news, and a social worker had taken her back to the foster home. While the adults talked in the kitchen, Belle curled up in bed. She’d had a stark realization that night—Belle was all alone, and she’d have to fend for herself.
“And your dad left you there?”
Belle laughed. “Of course he did. We’re talking about a man who refused to change diapers or feed me as a baby. Emmett never wanted me.” It’d taken Belle years to come to grips with the realization. She used to beat herself up—her father would’ve loved her if she’d been thinner, or smarter, or if she hadn’t told Carolina about the affair. Until Belle realized Emmett didn’t want to be a father. It wasn’t about her. “Emmett signed over custody to the state, and I lived with the Robinsons until my eighteenth birthday.”
The Robinsons were nice people, but they didn’t have much money or time. They’d fostered children to make ends meet, so they hadn’t adopted her because they wanted the state funds. They were unfailingly kind to Belle, but they didn’t love her. No one had ever loved her, really—not even Carolina.
“Did he explain himself? Visit…?”
“No, the last time I saw him, he was moving out to shack up with Leslie in a new apartment building.”
Every time she thought about Emmett, an image burned into her mind. Belle had the clearest memory of him driving off while her mother wasted away in the bedroom. She’d watched and waited at the window until he’d disappeared from sight.
Please, Daddy, don’t leave me.
Belle hadn’t been brave enough to run downstairs and say the words. Maybe because she knew Emmett would only reject her—again.
The look of pity on Dix’s face shamed her. She shouldn’t have told him all of this.
“Don’t feel sorry for me. Emmett did me a favor. I was better off without him. So there’s no point in missing him, wishing he’d be different.” She straightened her spine.
“For the record, your dad is a dick.”
Belle laughed. “No argument here.”
“I can’t offer much, but I am a man of my word, and I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.” His eyes were wide with sincerity. “You can trust me, rely on me.”
“No, I can’t. I don’t even want to.” Belle pulled away. That scared her more than anything—needing someone. “I won’t make the mistakes my mother did. I won’t let someone rip me apart.”
Dix sighed. “Believe me, I understand.”
Belle sucked in a breath. “We’re a pair. Both of us have abandonment issues—only your wife didn’t willingly leave you.”
“No, we’re different.”
“How?” From where she stood, they’d been through the same kind of pain.
“I’ve been in love, and you haven’t.”
She recoiled.
“I loved Ellie, and I don’t regret one single second of the time I spent with her.” His eyes were far away.
Belle had the feeling she was intruding upon an intimate moment, somehow.
“After she passed, I used to come in here so I could feel her again. It no longer smells like Ellie, but I love seein’ her things.” He ran a scarf through his fingers. “I wouldn’t trade my memories for anythin’. Ellie had a thing for Disney movies. She said she was my very own Jiminy Cricket, my conscience personified.”
Dix made a sound, but she didn’t know if it was a laugh or a sob.
“And when she died, I wanted to go too.”
“Why would you put yourself through it?” Belle couldn’t begin to understand it. Why sign on for pain?
“Why wouldn’t you?” Dix pulled Belle to her feet and took her by the shoulders, gazing down into her eyes. “What do you love?”
“I…my job.” The question shouldn’t have been confusing, but it was.
“No, your job is somethin’ you do. What thrills you? Excites you? And I don’t mean music. It’s a passion of yours, but it ain’t passion. Somethin’ you don’t want to live without.”
Belle had never felt that way about anyone or anything.
Dix snapped his fingers. “That’s what I can’t bear. I lived in Technicolor, and now my life is black and white. My passion’s gone, but you got a chance to find yours. Don’t you dare sit on the sidelines because you’re too scared.” He kissed her forehead. “I want you to find it, him, and I hope the son of a bitch knows how lucky he’ll be to have you—because it can’t be me.”
And Belle was left floundering, unsure what to make of his words.
Dix backed away. “Okay, enough of this room and the sadness. We need to take it down a notch, wouldn’t you say?”
God, yes. “Oh, yeah, I’ve had enough talking tonight.”
Dix took her by the hand and led her to his bedroom.
As soon as she got through the door, Dix was on her.
“I can’t fix the past, and I can’t promise you a future, but I can make tonight a bit better.”
Belle recognized the gruff, growly tone, and her body readied for him in response. She needed to feel alive again.
The sex was different this time.
He touched her more gently, or went slower, or maybe he just knew her—saw through the mask she wore. Dix had seen all of her skeletons tonight, and he hadn’t been repulsed.
This time, Dix offered to let Belle stay the night in his bed, but she just couldn’t take him up on it.
Not yet.
Chapter Sixteen
“I got in!”
Vick raced into the office with a folder in hand. She held it high in the air, like an athlete with a trophy.
“Got in where?”
Dix was distracted today. Last night’s talk with Belle had been taxing, and he’d been in a fog ever since. After they’d had sex, she got up and left, and he’d felt—well, he’d best not think about it too much.
“Peregrine Family Solutions…Belle’s old company.” She shimmied, doing a victory dance. “They firewalled the site, but I smashed through, and I got the bastard’s human resources file.”
Dix had set Vick on Asshat’s trail, and she’d been happy to track him down after he gave her a brief version of the events.
“What’s his name?” He was in the mood to do some damage.
“His name’s Jim Halstead, and he’s a total perv.”
“How do you know?” Although, Dix wasn’t too surprised. From Belle’s description, the guy was a dick.
“Once I got his name, I found his email addy, and I googled all afternoon, collecting his social media profiles.” Her nose scrunched. “And then, all the smut rolled in. I found a couple porn accounts under the name Jumbo Jimbo.”
“Classy.” Though Dix smugly doubted Jumbo was bigger than him.
“Yeah, and he’s not too bright. Jimbo has a Twitter account, where he networks with other professionals, but Poop-head follows porn stars, too.” Vick had an aversion to swearing, which Dix found adorable.
“Go on.” He wouldn’t deny any man a bit of internet porn now and again, but the man in question should be smart enough not to mix masturbation fodder and business.
“While I was searching Peregrine, I found a complaint from another of hi
s supervisees. Apparently, he got real friendly with her, and she approached human resources. I’m guessin’ the company thought a lawsuit was on the horizon, so they gave ’em the heave-ho.”
For Belle’s sake, Dix wished they’d done it sooner.
“Oh, and they filed an ethics complaint with the mental health board. Jimbo’s facin’ an inquiry next month.”
“Couldn’t happen to a better guy, but why’s he comin’ after Belle?”
“His termination letter references an addendum Belle wrote when they fired her, detailin’ Jimbo’s unwanted advances and talking about a ‘troublin’ pattern of behavior.’”
“So he got the ax, and he’s facin’ a hearin’.” Shut your mouth, bitch. The words had been scrawled on Belle’s wall. Maybe Jimbo was afraid the board would call Belle in. “Explains why he came after her now. I bet he pulled the same crap with the other woman he harassed.”
Vick flipped through the folder. “Oh, yeah. He’s made the rounds. I found a community crime blog. Ms. Tyler reported a break-in, but her neighbor came home unexpectedly, and the suspect made a run for it.”
Something troubled Dix—this guy didn’t sound like he had the balls to hire a kidnapper.
“So, have you got an address for the dickhead?” Dix laced his hands together.
“I got all the deets here, and as I mentioned earlier, he’s active on social media. He goes joggin’ every night at a park near his house. Like clockwork, he posts about it on Facebook.” She rolled her eyes.
“Well, now, ain’t that convenient?” Dix opened the folder, a smile settling on his face. “I’d say it’s high time I got some exercise in.”
***
Hours later, Jasper, Byron, and Dix circled the pervert’s park, waiting for him to make an appearance.
“You could’ve brought Reb and Brax.” Jasper drove slowly while Dix scoped out the place. So far, they’d only seen a whole lot of trees, except for a stray runner here and there. Good, no witnesses.
Byron snorted. “Only if we wanted a fuck-up of epic proportions. He’s still wet behind the ears.” He shook his head. “I still don’t get it. Brax had every advantage, and he pissed it away to be a two-bit gangster.” Byron turned to Dix. “I’m gonna make damn sure he knows what he’s gettin’ into before he takes the oath—the way you did for me.”
Flesh and Blood (Dixie Mafia Series Book 1) Page 17
