by Barb Han
“You’re right, Spencer.” She absently fingers the strand of perfect pearls hanging around her neck. They look so uniform, alternating between a pearl and a perfect, sparkly diamond. “I only want to make sure she knows the difference between school-girl infatuation and love.”
“Thank you.” I want to tell her that I’m not her and that Caius is not Cord. It wouldn’t matter. I suspect she’s warning me not to become too close to any guy or at the very least warning me that he’ll eventually hurt me.
The night has been odd so far and I’m uneasy. I don’t want to talk about my personal relationships. I want to tell them that my life is none of their business. But that’s not entirely true. They’ve invested in me and I wouldn’t be at Easton without them. I can’t afford to turn them off.
“How is school?” Mr. Chaffee glances up from his plate. “Mrs. Randol still boring everyone droning on about the failed United States project in history?”
My heart skips a beat at the mention of Mrs. Randol. Do they know about Jax passing the note?
Surely not.
“She’s okay.” I know Mr. Chaffee wants to hear more. Then again, maybe he wants to talk about anything besides his wife’s past love life.
“Is it true that your friend got caught passing a note?” he asks, and Mrs. Chaffee fingers her pearls a little too quickly. She doesn’t look directly at me, either. I can tell she wants to know the answer. I just can’t figure out why.
“Yeah, I guess.” I leave it at that.
“Did you ever find out what he was trying to say that was so important?” He’s not letting it go.
“Nope,” I say casually. “Guess it wasn’t a big deal. He was probably just bored, seeing if he could get away with it. Her class isn’t hard enough for him.”
A look passes between them that I’m not supposed to pick up on. I pretend not to and keep right on talking, “I have a couple tests next week before we go into prepping for finals.”
“Junior year finals. Those are fun.” He laughs and then takes another bite of steak.
Finals are a big deal this year because they determine how we’re ranked. If I don’t stay on top, colleges can pull their offers. The rankings are based on more than grades. They include everything—all three years of blood, sweat, and tears at Easton Prep are evaluated and assigned a college readiness score. Test scores are important, but so are extracurricular activities.
For me, that means my ultimate ranking as a dancer goes into the equation. Next weekend’s national competition is important. I’ve been slacking off too much lately. I’m not ready.
For Adalynn, her soccer evaluation is part of the mix. For Jax, it’s his Tech Meet ratings. Easton Prep doesn’t just want smart people to top their list. They want us to be the best in our chosen disciplines. The best at everything. All but one of our ruling council came from my school.
When I think about it, Mrs. Randol’s mother was on the council when she was alive. She’s alumni, and her daughter teaches History there.
“I’ve been studying like crazy.” I take another bite of steak.
“Good because anything else is just a temporary disruption.” Eleanor doesn’t want to let the dating-thing go.
Mr. Chaffee nods. “Are you ready for competition?”
“Absolutely.” I say it with confidence because I know that’s what they want to hear. Inside, I’m not so sure. I haven’t rehearsed nearly enough. My relationship with Caius has been a distraction, but I can’t give it up.
The only times I’ve felt alive in the past three years are when I’m on the hill and off school property. Being confined like I’m locked in a cage has taken a toll. I’m taking risks I shouldn’t just to breathe again. I have to spend more time in the studio next week, and that means less time with him anyway.
After the awkwardness of my earlier conversation with my sponsors, I half expect one of them to bring him up. There’s something else on Spencer’s mind tonight. Will he ever to come out and ask?
I’m relieved when plates are cleared, and dessert is finally served.
There’s no singing happy birthday, no candles. This isn’t a family dinner, and it’s obvious they want to be clear about that.
This is also the first time they’ve ever invited me over on my birthday, and it can’t be for sentimental reasons. I’m a statistic on a page to them. Victoria Faith Aldridge. Seventeen. Exceptional student. Future Valedictorian. Number one dancer in the country. Other than my blood pressure, cholesterol, and psychological profile, they don’t care about anything else.
“Don’t you have a twin brother?” Mrs. Chaffee asks.
I’m caught off guard by the question. They’ve never asked about my family, and I’m pretty sure they know everything about me based on my file.
“Yeah.” I do my best to sound nonchalant despite my heart pounding in my chest. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel on this night, and I don’t want to say anything to screw it up.
“Ever hear from him?” She’s staring at her napkin and pretending like she doesn’t care about the answer, and that tells me how much she does.
Mr. Chaffee is suddenly very interested in his piece of cake.
“No. Not since coming to Easton, except for the annual birthday card, which he rarely ever says anything on. Why?” I don’t tell them he wasn’t on it this time.
“Oh, no reason. I was just making conversation.” She picks up her fork and waves it like it’s no big deal, but I notice the subtle look passing between her and him that makes my skin ice.
I want to remind them that they’d be the first to know, since my AllinOne is monitored and they look at the report, but I know better than to talk out of turn. This dinner has already been the longest two-and-a-half hours of my life.
“Did your family say anything interesting in their last video?” Eleanor leans forward like she cares.
“Just that my brother is skiing in Vermont.” Where is this going?
“Oh, how nice. We went up there once, didn’t we, sweetheart? What was the name of that town? The one with the good food and those quaint little shops.”
“Grafton,” Spencer supplies without much thought.
“That’s right. Your brother skiing there?” She looks directly at me.
“Grafton’s more of a tourist’s town. If he’s skiing, he’ll probably be in Killington,” Mr. Chaffee supplies.
“Did your mother say?”
I shake my head. “She didn’t mention anything specifically.”
“Oh.” She picks up her wineglass and takes enough of a drink to empty it. “Did she say anything else interesting?”
“Not really. She’s grateful to the council for all the wonderful food. I wasn’t paying much attention, so I’m not sure.” Jax created a way for me to watch it again without anyone realizing, but I’ve been too nervous to try. Rigging stuff is easy for him. But if I get caught…
“Well, you have a busy week ahead. I guess you’d better rest tonight.” Eleanor pushes off the table to stand.
“You’re probably right.” I don’t announce the time, nine thirty. It is, though. I can’t wait to get back to my room. “Dinner was amazing. Thank you both so much for everything.”
I mention the bracelet again, but Eleanor isn’t interested. Another oddity, but they’re racking up lately. I won’t pretend to understand this class of people. Is Caius’s mother like Eleanor? From what he’s told me, she must be.
By the time I leave their estate, my cheeks hurt from so much forced smiling, and my mind is spinning. What could they possibly want to know about Trevor? And my family—in nearly three years that’s the most we’ve ever spoken about my life outside of Easton.
I can’t wait to shower and crawl into bed. I won’t see my boyfriend until Monday. I miss him. I miss my family. And I miss home.
I pull on all my st
rength not to cry on the car ride back to school. I am so not a crier.
I manage to keep it together. This time, the blacked-out window between me and the driver is closed. I’m not disappointed because that means he can’t watch me struggling to keep it together. All I want is to be alone, and I’m fairly certain he reports every word that comes out of my mouth to Eleanor.
Weekends at Easton used to be depressing. The campus is barren, and they run a skeleton crew outside of the full security team that’s always present along with the drones. The security person to student ratio was one to six and that used to make me sad. Tonight, I enjoy the peace, the quiet as I walk across the lawn to my dorm.
I booked extra time in the studio tomorrow to spend more time rehearsing for next week. Getting my head back into the game and focusing on my responsibilities are my top priorities. The only way I have out of here, out of this life, is to keep doing well.
My room is small, but it has everything I need. There’s a bed and a connected bathroom that I don’t have to share. In between my bedroom and bathroom is a small hallway. There’s a desk with a chair on one side and a closet on the other. I don’t need a lot of storage space, since we wear uniforms most of the time.
The clothes that I wore to the Chaffees were bought by them and delivered two days ago. I can’t wait to take them off.
I don’t bother to turn on the light in my bedroom. I make a beeline for the shower. I toss my clothes in a pile on the bathroom floor. I’ll deal with those later. The warm water sluices over me, and I stand there for a long time without moving.
By the time I’ve showered and dried off, exhaustion has caught up with me. Being ‘on’ with the Chaffees has caught up with me. I put on my pajamas and the sweater Trevor gave me. The last time I remember seeing my AllinOne I was sitting on my bed, so I flip on the overhead light.
There’s a box on my bed that wasn’t there when I left. I walk over to it and perch on the edge, palming the box. There’s a note attached from Caius. How did he get into my room without getting caught? That was a risky move, and I also realize he knows more about this school than anyone else I know.
I can barely imagine him being here as a little kid, stuck in a room like mine when he’s used to living in an estate like the Chaffees. I open the box and there’s a long-eared, light blue stuffed bunny inside. I hold it up to my face. The stuffed animal is so soft and furry. I’m not usually good at naming things but this little guy’s name comes to me right away, Clipper.
The words, Happy Birthday, Tori, are scribbled in Caius’s handwriting across the bottom of the box. I hug Clipper tightly against my chest as I curl up under the covers and tug the corners of my AllinOne. I look at the video message in my inbox. The fact Trevor is missing keeps me from falling asleep.
What I said to my sponsors was no joke. I do need to buckle down and focus over the next week. Finals will be here before I know it. Adalynn and Jax will go home for the summer. So will Caius. How will we see each other? Or will he break up with me and move on? It’s strange how quickly he’s becoming my lifeline.
Eleanor’s words pop into my mind no matter how hard I attempt to shut them out. What I have with him is different than her relationship in college. And yet, I can’t help but wonder what he sees in me. Any girl here would go out with him if he expressed the least amount of interest. He has to know there’s no future with me.
Glancing around the room at the white tile floors and eggshell-colored walls, I’ve never felt more trapped or alone. I want to run away and keep going. Never look back. Caius’s secret way off school property is an option. I could sneak out in the middle of the night, climb that tree on my own, and never come back.
I miss my family so much it physically hurts. My stomach cramps, and my head pounds. I hate my birthday. It reminds me too much of home.
…
Several days go by in a blur of studying and practicing. So much so, that I almost forget how weird Jax is acting. I push everything aside and push through the week.
The competition is today, and I try not to think about just how much I have riding on it. I have something to prove, and this might make or break my college acceptance. I’ve heard back from the fourth school, and they sent a letter of intention. I’ve been given the day off class to prepare.
A knock on my bedroom door startles me. I try to suppress a gasp. What can I say? I’m jumpy. My nerves are on edge. I roll my neck in a futile attempt to ease some of the tension. There’s no use. My shoulders muscles are strung so tightly they could snap. Taking a slow breath is little help.
Hands trembling, I open the door. A messenger is holding a fistful of strings connected to helium balloons. I take them and thank him, closing the door. There’s a note from the Chaffees. The name written on the outside of the card is Victoria.
My door slides open, and Caius slips in before closing it. My heart clutches.
“How’d you get into the dorms?”
He just smiles, and the dimple peeks out at me. He snaps a rubber band on his wrist a moment before I launch into his arms, remembering that he’d spent most of his summers here. “It was easy.”
Somehow, I doubt that.
“You’re going to be amazing today, Tori,” he whispers into my ear.
I want to say that I don’t have a choice but don’t. I’ve barely seen him all week. His arms encircle my waist, and I’m sure he can feel me quaking.
He moves us to the bed where we sit side by side. His arm is around me. “When do you leave?”
I glance at the clock on the wall. My pulse is racing. “Soon. Someone should be here in the next fifteen minutes or so to pick me up. Maybe sooner.”
He shouldn’t be here. I don’t care. Seeing him calms my scattered nerves.
His free hand cups my chin, and my stomach drops. “You’ve done this dozens of times in the past. Today is no different.”
“It doesn’t feel the same.”
“It is, though,” he quickly counters. “And you’ve been in higher pressure situations and handled it just fine.”
I smile.
He looks like he’s about to tell me something else but stops himself, biting his bottom lip. He pulls a shiny object from his pocket and then opens his hand. Flat on his palm is a silver heart-shaped locket on a chain.
“It’s beautiful,” I say, fingering the detail.
“Happy Birthday.”
“You already gave me something.” I gesture toward the long-eared light blue stuffed bunny on the bed behind us. “Thank you for Clipper.”
“That wasn’t your real present.” He smiles again. “I wanted to wait to give it to you in private.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so busy.” I haven’t been able to skip out of practice all week while getting ready for this competition.
“You don’t have to apologize.” Another emotion stirs behind his eyes, one I can’t quite put a finger on. I chalk it up to missing each other. I know how much I’ve missed him.
He clasps the chain around my neck, and the locket hangs perfectly in the center V of my chest.
“I love it.”
“There aren’t any pictures in it yet.” He snaps the rubber band on his wrist and studies a spot on the floor. “I thought we could fill it this summer. I asked my parents if I could stay on and do some extra work.”
“They agreed?”
He shrugs like it doesn’t bother him that they agree so easily, but his ash-blue eyes tell a different story. I can see the hurt there. “They thought it was a good idea. What about you?”
“Yes. Absolutely yes. Are you kidding me?” The thought of spending the entire summer with Caius is the first bright spot in a dim week.
A knock startles us both. He can’t be caught in my room. It would be fatal for us both. My nightmare resurfaces, the one where I’m being sentenced by the headmaster.
&nbs
p; “Meet me if you can get out tonight,” he says. “After dark.”
Before I can tell him where to hide, he’s closing the closet door behind him.
I open the door, and the assistant dance program director stands in the hallway. “You’re early.” My voice shakes, and I hope she doesn’t notice. Or if she does, I pray that she chalks it up to the competition and not to my boyfriend hiding in my closet.
“Thought you might want to get to the venue early, before everyone else. Give your nerves a chance to settle.” Ms. Sanders smiles. I forget that her job is tied to how well we perform until I see the familiar nervous tension making the muscles around her eyes tick. Her giving me a ride doesn’t exactly make me popular with other dancers on the trip. I’ll never become accustomed to special treatment no matter how long I’m here. It’s three years running now.
Riding home on the bus, I have to plaster on a fake smile as the other dancers congratulate me. This is pretty much the only time anyone talks to me. Part of that is my fault. What would we say to each other anyway? I’m polite enough to keep from being accused of being antisocial. That would only lead to more visits with Dr. Sara to make sure I’m in the right mental state.
“I’ll grab my bag.” I want to say goodbye to Caius, but I don’t risk it.
On the way down the hall, I walk behind Ms. Sanders. We turn the corner to find three security enforcers blocking the path.
“Excuse me, gentlemen.” Ms. Sanders sounds annoyed.
They don’t move.
“Victoria Faith Aldridge?” The lead enforcer speaks up. I can tell he’s the one in charge by the number of black stripes on his light gray uniform. He has three, whereas the other enforcers have one each. He’s also the only one who speaks, and that’s a dead giveaway.
“Yes.” My heart’s pounding, and the walls feel like they’re closing in. Images of me and my boyfriend sneaking out flash through my mind. All I can think is that we’ve been caught somehow, which is weird because we’ve only done it once in the past couple of weeks. I’ve been too busy with extra practices in preparation for today’s competition.
