"Does it look that bad?"
"You thought you had trouble today? If he sees your face like that he's going to go ballistic. He's not going to care if it was your mother who hit you. If you want to keep this thing quiet so no one else finds out, don't let him come over here."
She's right. I don't want this situation getting worse. I don't need my brothers or father finding out about us. Nick is going to go over there and knock the door off the hinges; he's not going to care who knows what. The only reason he's still pretending he's engaged to Kate is because I asked him not to say anything yet.
"How am I going to stop him from coming over here?"
"I'll help you, let me talk to him."
"Okay," I agree. Now all I have to do is tell Nick.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Nick
I told Cat I would call her but the day was hectic. I could only manage to send her a text. I found myself thinking about her throughout the day. Spending the weekend with her and waking up with her has made me miss her more than I could imagine. I take out my phone and call her when I get home. She answers on the second ring. Her voice sounds groggy like she was sleeping. She must be tired. It's only seven thirty.
"Hey, babe, you sound tired, did I wake you?"
"No, I was thinking."
"About what?"
"Us."
Oh no, this doesn't sound good. We made a lot of progress. I hope one day apart hasn't changed her mind again. "What about us?"
"Kate and I had a huge fight over you this morning."
"Why didn't you call me?" I put my papers to the side and push my chair away from my desk.
"I knew you were busy."
"You should have called me or left me a message. I would have found time to call you back. What happened?"
When she's finished telling me what happened I'm beyond mad. What the fuck was Kate thinking?
"I'm coming to see you."
"No! Not tonight."
"Why not? Is there something else you're not telling me?"
"I just need some time by myself to think about everything that happened this weekend and today. I'm okay. I'm not pushing you away."
"Then I'm coming over."
"No! Look, I'm just tired. This is a lot for me to deal with. I think we should hold off on us and making any decisions until the paternity test comes back."
"Cat," I say in an even tone.
"I'm not shutting you out, Nick."
"It sounds like you are."
"I'm not. I'll call you tomorrow," she says.
I can't believe this shit! I'm walking back and forth in my office like a caged animal. Ava takes the phone from Cat before I can say anything else.
"Nick, she'll be fine. She was caught off guard by the argument with Kate and her mother. Not what she was expecting after spending an incredibly happy weekend with you."
Damn, we made so much progress. I was finally able to convince her we could work this out together, now it's all shot to hell because of Kate and her bullshit.
"Put her back on the phone."
"Nick—"
"Put her back on the damn phone, Ava, or I'm going to be over there in the next twenty minutes!"
Before I can say more I hear Cat's voice.
"Nick—"
"Listen to me, I'm sorry you had to go home to that mess. Kate shouldn't have said anything to you. She knows where we stand, we don't have a relationship of any kind where she should approach you like that."
With uncertainty in her voice she asks, "Does she know where you two stand?"
"Yes. I've made it very clear."
"When you're at the doctor's office together listening to your child's heartbeat and seeing it for the first time, how clear can it be?"
Oh damn. I run my hands over my face, back through my hair off my face.
"I'll call you tomorrow," she says. Her voice is low like she's far away in her thoughts. Thinking, thinking about what?
"I love you," I tell her, feeling like it's not enough.
"I know, goodnight."
I take my phone and fling it into the chair. "What the fuck was Kate doing?" Every time Cat and I make some progress, I get her to start trusting and believing me, Kate's right there to fuck it up. Beyond heated I grab my phone and call her. I don't even give her a chance to talk when she says hello.
"Get your ass over to my house now."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"I'm not coming anywhere. You don't call me and demand I do anything. I don't work for you."
"Get your ass over here or I'm coming over there. Do you want me over there? Do you want to have this out in front of everyone? You better be here within an hour."
I give her exactly one hour. I don't have to wait for a reply, she knows what's going to happen if she's not here. I don't make idol threats. I'm not going to say it if I don't mean it.
"You should be concerned about me and your child instead of me hurting poor Cat's feelings. She'll get over it. My feelings have been hurt many times, I put on my big girl panties and suck it up."
She comes in here with an attitude as usual telling me about her feelings. What feelings? She hardly shows a genuine emotion. "I don't give a damn about your feelings. If the baby is mine, I will do all I can for my child and be a part of its life."
"You should give more than a damn about me; this baby and I are a package deal, we come together. You better play the part of a happy fiancé and don't embarrass me."
What! Is she seriously threatening me? She must have lost her goddamn mind. I back her up against the door and grab her by the wrist.
"I don't think you want to play games with me. I will win every time by any means necessary." For a second I see a flash of fear in her eyes. She presses her lips together then holds her head up high. Calm and cool she narrows her eyes at me, like the ice-cold bitch she is. "This is the only time I'm going to tell you, don't approach Cat again about anything having to do with me or this baby."
She wrenches her hand free from my grip and rubs her wrist. I was so mad I didn't realize how hard I was holding her wrist. I step back from her and she grabs her bag off the kitchen table. "What are you going to do if I don't follow your orders, Nick?"
"If this child is mine and you try to use him against me in any way, I'm going to come at you with everything I have. I will do everything possible to prove you unfit and rip my child from your arms. Have your attorneys ready, I'm not leaving anything up to chance with you."
Chest heaving, she spits from between her teeth. "You're a heartless bastard."
"I don't think I'm that heartless. I was sympathetic enough to have sex with you."
She whirls around and opens the door to leave.
"Don't ever threaten me, Kate."
She gives me the coldest look I have ever seen from a woman, that's saying a lot coming from me, slamming the door hard.
For hours after Kate leaves I sit in my office trying not to think about Cat but it's useless, she's the only thing I can think about. She doesn't know that I already knew Kate and Chris weren't her father's biological children. I was the only one Chris told when he found out. He took it pretty hard at first. He couldn't understand how his mother could cheat on his father. She wasn't the woman he thought she was, he felt betrayed. For a year he hardly spoke to her. He started spending a lot more time at my house.
He wasn't sure how or where he fit in anymore now that the father he thought was his real father wasn't his father. A stranger he would never know, who he could never ask, "Why didn't you want us?" was his father. One day he had a talk with his father, but he didn't go into specifics about what they talked about. He did say after they talked he realized being someone else's biological kid didn't make him any less of his son than Jay. This was the only father he knew and wanted because he wanted him and loved him the same as Jay and Cat from the day he was born. Over time he started speaking to his mother again. You can't tell what goes on inside a family by
looking at them and what they present for others to see.
In less than two days I get the results of the paternity test back, less than two days my future with Cat could be determined by the results of one test. Will she stay with me if I'm the father? That's the million dollar question.
The next day I get a call from Cat.
The first thing I ask her is, "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm doing much better today."
"How did you sleep?"
"Not too bad, Ava kept me company."
"You know I could have done that if you would have let me."
"It's not that I don't want you here, things are getting more complicated. I need to put things on pause for…"
"Till the paternity test comes back?"
"Yes."
"So if I'm the father, which by now we think most likely I am, what? That's the end of us?"
"I'm not saying that, I don't know."
"Yes, you do, you don't want to think about it but you know." There's a call on my office phone. It's a call from a client I really need to speak to.
"Cat, I have to take this call."
"Go ahead, I'll talk to you later or tomorrow, bye."
"Bye." Tomorrow. I've barely spoken to her since she left my house on Monday. I feel her pulling away from me already.
One day later sitting in my office, I get the answer to my million dollar question.
"Hello."
"Hello, is this Mr. Nicholas Alexander?"
"Yes, it is."
"This is Quantum Lab calling with the results of your paternity test."
This is it, the moment of truth. I take a deep breath and sit back in my chair. I can't remember a time I was this nervous, my mouth's drying up and it's like I'm breathing through a straw. It feels like an eternity since I've answered this phone but it's only been less than thirty seconds, that's how nervousness I am.
"Hello? Mr. Alexander, are you still there?"
I blow a puff of air out to calm my nerves. "Shit."
"Excuse me?" she says, her voice rising.
"I'm sorry, you said you were calling with the test results?"
"Yes."
"I'm ready, what are the results of the test?"
"The test results are inclusive, 99.99 percent positive you are the father."
This shouldn't be a surprise to me. I had an idea of what the results were going to be but it doesn't make it any easier to hear. I shake my head, get out of my chair, and walk over to the window. Cat.
"Which means there is less than a one in ten thousand chance of me not being the biological father?" I already know the answer to this. I say it more to myself than the woman on the phone.
"Yes, that is correct."
"Thank you."
I look out the window, my shoulder leaning against the glass. I watch people I don't know going about their lives. Some happy, some not so happy, some oblivious to what's going on around them. Too consumed with the problems of their own lives and not considering the greater problems the person next to them might have. Little children, even from high up here I can see them clinging to their parents' hands for love, support and acceptance.
I'm going to have a child looking to me for all these things. I'm going to try my best to give him these things and more. I have to learn to not let all my problems consume me. I'm going to have another living person, a part of me, focused solely on his wants and needs. I'm going to be a parent…not with the woman I love.
I blankly stare out the window thinking about everything then absolutely nothing but her. I can't tell her now. I make up my mind I'm going to tell her tonight when I call her. I know I should tell her face to face, I'm a coward; for the first time in my life I feel like a coward, because I don't want to see the look on her face and in her eyes when I tell her.
Kate calls me later in the day. I reluctantly answer the call.
"Hello."
"Hi, Nick, did the lab call you with the results?"
"Yes, they did." I rub the bridge of my nose between my fingers.
"Now you know for sure you're the father. We're going to be parents to this little boy growing inside of me, together."
"We're going to be parents, we are not together." I make sure to correct her.
"Don't you think we owe it to our baby to at least try to be together for him?"
Before it starts, I'm going to put an end to any thought she has of there being an us.
"I'm going to love this child as much as any parent can love a child. The only thing I owe my child is to have him grow up in the lifestyle in which I live, and he is going to grow up accustomed to. There will never be a you and me. Our son will know this; there will be no misunderstanding about us ever being together."
"Do you think Cat is going to be with you now that it's proven you are the father of my baby?"
"You don't need to worry about that. What Cat and I do is none of your business. What we do does not concern you. The only thing you should be concerned about is my kid."
I can hear the optimism in her voice fading into annoyance.
"If you and Cat are thinking about being in some kind of relationship, it's going to affect me and your child. How disgustingly nasty would that be if you have a kid with her."
"Kate, I'm warning you." If I could reach through this phone. If Cat and I have kids, good question.
"Think about it, our kids would be cousins and siblings. That may work if you're a Mormon on a polygamist sec compound up in Ohio, Utah, or wherever! This is New York and you're an Alexander, how would that look?"
"I don't know but I'm sure you're going to tell me." She's going to tell me what I already know.
"It would make Cat look like a total home-wrecking slut, there is already rumors of us being engaged and possibly pregnant, which I am for you."
"You don't need to remind me. Are you the reason why those rumors are floating around?"
"No, and it doesn't matter anyway because when I start showing and people find out you're this child's father, people are going to make up their own stories and think what they want. Even you can't stop that."
She's right; this is the stuff tabloid news is made up from. It makes money, sells papers and magazines, ruins reputations and lives. I won't look too bad because as bad as it sounds I'm a man. Kate will be the poor unsuspecting pregnant fiancée; they will have sympathy for her, which she doesn't deserve. Cat will be perceived as the jealous, slutty sister who slept with her sister's fiancé." Which is not true.
"I see you're thinking about it. What are you going to do, take her out in front of your friends and colleagues while I'm at home with your baby in my belly? Who's going to accept her? She's going to be like a leper. She's going to be perceived as a threat to any woman with a man. They're going to look at her like she's a dirty mattress."
"You know what, Kate, if there is an appointment I need to know about or anything whatsoever that has to do with the baby, give me a call, other than that, don't call me."
"Do you think I like saying these things? I'm not saying these things to be hurtful to Cat."
"Yes, you are, you would love to march her around with a scarlet A emblazoned on fire across her chest for all to see because you think she has wronged you. Truth be told, it's probably the other way around. You've probably wronged her many times and she's never noticed. She wouldn't want to think her sister would intentionally hurt her. I know you can be a bitch on high heels when you're ready."
I don't know who she thinks she's fooling. Her voice was nice and bubbly when she called then she realized I wasn't going to change my mind after the test results and her true nature started to come out. I can't believe I slept with her. I rub my eyes, I can't believe it, and I can't believe I got her pregnant. Let your guard down once and this is the shit that falls on you.
"I don't need to hear another word out of your malicious, lying lips." I turn off my phone and throw it on my desk. I'm angry she's pretending she cares about Cat's reputation. Most of all I'm ang
ry because every word she said is the truth.
I've been sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen counter for hours now trying to work up the courage to call her. I'm on my second beer, I run both my hands through my hair but I still haven't figured out what to say to her. Everywhere I look I see her in here. I smile when I see the Christmas tree we decorated together, all the decorations in my living room on the walls, in the ceiling and the frosting around the window. I love to see her smile and her beautiful brown eyes light up. I love it when I do that, I make her smile. I don't want to be the one to take it away.
I take a swing of my beer and put the bottle back down, and watch my phone on the counter like it can give me the answers I'm looking for. How do I break the heart of the person that I love most? Where do I begin? How do I start?
The choice is taken from me when the phone rings, without looking at it I know it's her. I pick it up like it's a ten pound bag of bricks weighing down my hand, getting heavier and heavier the closer it gets to my ear. I swipe my thumb across the screen, clear my throat and run my hand over my mouth and the rough stubble across my face. I don't say anything. I close my eyes and pray she will stay with me when I hear her voice.
"Hello, Nick?"
I clear my throat. "I'm here."
"Are you okay? You sound funny."
"I'm fine. I was sitting here trying to sort some things out. How was your day?"
"It was good. I got a call today from Mrs. Smith, she's going on maternity leave this Friday. Starting Monday I'll be taking over her kindergarten class full time, by myself."
"That's great, I'm happy for you." She sounds happy. I hate to be the one to take away her happiness but I have to tell her.
"I'm happy for me too; I thought I would never find a job. I need to get out of this apartment, I need something to do. Working with kids will keep me busy and entertained."
"I'm really happy for you."
"I know…Are you sure you're fine, you sound, different?"
Imperfections Page 31
