Inner Secrets

by Suzie Carr

  Next, I moved onto the vanity sink. I disinfected it and scrubbed it until my elbow ached. Then, I polished it up with furniture polish, an old trick I learned from my childhood housekeeper.

  I dressed the room up with hand-carved soaps, brightly-colored polka dotted hand towels and a matching shower curtain. Lastly, I plugged in a crimson air freshener that also doubled as a nightlight.

  Next, I tackled what would become her bedroom. She loved green, and I knew this because she wore it often. I absolutely loved her in green because her eyes shimmered like emeralds. The curtains that I had made several years ago would be perfect. Adam hated green, so I packaged these away and bought a blue valance for him instead.

  I ripped the plastic wrap that suffocated them, and they flowed freely to the ground. Yards of green suede embossed with tiny yellow flowers danced across the light beige carpet. I hung them, securing the tiebacks at just the right height so the bottoms wouldn’t drag. I couldn’t believe my luck when I discovered a matching comforter lying all by itself on the Walmart shelf. I snagged it.

  I misted some lavender around the bed, filled the oil rings on each of her bedside lamps with more flower essences, dressed up her drawers with scented liners and topped the room off with a gift-wrapped copy of The Secret Garden, my all-time favorite book.

  I wanted Hope to step inside her new nest and fall in love.

  HOPE

  PJ and Rachel had plans to meet their parents in Inner Harbor the same morning I was set to move. They asked if I could delay by a day. I told them not to be silly, and that I had a whole team of people from work helping me out.

  I didn’t. But, I was a girl on a mission to be free, so, free I’d be. I did what any self-respecting single girl would do in my predicament. I drove to the local hardware store, dressed my face with the most helpless look possible, and scoped out honest, hardworking, dad-type men to commission. I interrupted a couple of middle-aged, silver-haired men discussing water hoses by the plumbing supplies. One carried a gut the size of an oversized watermelon. The other sprouted skinny arms and legs like a bamboo shoot. Not more than five minutes later, I sat perched in the backseat of their king cab pickup truck and issued directions to PJ’s. Two hundred dollars to purchase two able-bodied men and their truck for an hour, as well as to avoid piling on any more weight to PJ and Rachel’s life, was priceless in my book.

  They whistled songs and joked about a house they worked on the day before as they piled box after box of my belongings into the bed of their truck. They could’ve turned out to be mass murderers in the end, but at that point, I considered them my new chums. They packed the truck up nice and secure, tightening rope around the boxes and knotting the ends like a couple of seasoned sailors.

  Not bad. In less time than it would take to watch a sitcom, I removed all of my worldly possessions without messing with my two friends again. We traveled down the road singing a Kenny Chesney tune with the wind blowing through our hair, and the sun shining its happy rays down on us. Within fifteen minutes, we had arrived at the gate to my new community.

  We needed to punch in the code to open the arm. My new friend waited for me to answer him when he asked for the code. I acted clueless and asked him to press the call button instead. Lucy’s cheerful voice rang through to us. “Hope? Is that you?”

  I pushed forward through the two front bucket seats, leveraging on the bamboo’s shoulder. “Yes. Can you buzz us in?”

  “Did you already lose the code, silly?”

  “Yes,” I said, white lying, poised in street smarts.

  She buzzed us and up flew the arm, welcoming me, and all of my life possessions.

  When we arrived at the top of the circled driveway, my new roommates pounced out the front door eager to help. Lucy wore a pair of cargo shorts, a City Sports t-shirt and an Old Navy Baseball hat. The rest of them blurred by comparison.

  I waved to them. The tall man, with eyes the color of olives, standing beside Lucy stepped forward and offered his hand. “I’m Adam. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come down and meet you the other day. I was deep into writing a scene and couldn’t break from it.” He shook my hand firmly.

  “Yes.” I acknowledged this with a nod. “Lucy told me you write. I’m looking forward to reading some of your work.”

  He shuffled his feet around a bit at this, and a smile beamed to life. “Absolutely.”

  Adam was drop-dead gorgeous, a fact that sat like a rock in my stomach.

  Ralph jumped on scene, swiping his hands together like he was ready to move a grand piano. “We’re a little behind, so I’m going to get started.”

  Hana waved at me and dashed off behind Ralph.

  Reina sipped her coffee mug, seemingly content standing with us, taking in the dynamic. “Just ignore him. He gets all wound up if someone is one minute behind schedule.”

  I was only five minutes late. “Yeah, I see.” I had already kicked up some dust and I hadn’t even moved in, yet.

  The two men jumped into action. “We’ll give you a hand.”

  We followed the two strangers.

  Within ten minutes, all of my boxes lined the wall under my adorable boxed window frame. The sun poured in and lit my room ablaze, feeding it with life, energy, and possibility.

  My new roommates and my helpers stood by my side and we all looked around the place, nodding, and sighing. The space looked completely different than I remembered it from a week before. Yes, the walls were still yellow, but the ironing board and baskets of orphaned clothes were gone, replaced by the beauty that blossomed in the room now. It smelled just like paradise, and resembled a five-star hotel room complete with pretty flowers and a collection of herbal teas. “The room is gorgeous.” I spun around to take it in and saw a present on my nightstand. Or maybe it was a décor prop? I pretended not to see it just in case. “You all went through so much trouble.”

  “This was all Lucy,” Reina said, mug still cupped between her stubby, bejeweled fingers.

  Lucy’s face flushed bright red. “It was nothing. I just fluffed things up a bit to make it less starchy and more homelike.”

  Adam squeezed her in tight and said to me, “She must really like you because she actually hates cleaning and she spent the good part of the week in here scrubbing walls and vacuuming lint.”

  “Oh, you know I’d do it for any of you.” Lucy broke free from Adam and walked out of the room, her face a few shades deeper than the first flush. “Enjoy settling in,” she called over her shoulder.

  Adam quickly followed, his textured, blonde layers bouncing right along with his spirited vibe.

  “Yeah, well,” Ralph said, hands gripping his hips. “I’ve got to run, too. I have a training session. We’ll get acquainted later on when we talk about how things work here.”

  Reina pushed Ralph out of the room. “Oh shush up you big pain in the ass.” She looked back at me just as she shoved him through the door. “He’s just a big teddy bear. Don’t let him fool you.”

  “Don’t let her fool you,” he yelled. “She’s the pain in the ass.”

  At this, Hana bowed and excused herself but not without adding, “It’s true. She can be a pain, and he can be quite nice, actually.” Then, she disappeared.

  I loved the banter already.

  The two men and I stood alone in my new oasis. I handed them a wad of tens and twenties. “I really appreciate your help.”

  “Not a problem,” the big man said. “Can we give you a lift back to the store to get your car?”

  “That would be perfect,” I said, powered by the spirited freedom of self-reliance.

  “Ready when you are, sweetheart,” the skinny bamboo man said.

  I was ready, alright, armed with self-reliance and persistence, ready to wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

  ~

  September 3

  Dear Journal, pinch me.

  The pretty gift was indeed a gift! From Lucy! The Secret Garden is one of my favorites, too. God, that girl is so sweet
. I would love to… I’m not even going to write it. I’m not going there. Right here, right now, I am making myself a promise to not even think it.

  Okay, so, anyway, this place is so freaking cool. I have not one, but three living rooms. And Ralph ended up with the grand piano in the divorce settlement. So, guess what I’m going to be playing around with every spare second I’m not cooking with Reina, planning lessons with Hana, or bonding over Scrabble with Lucy? Yup my fingers will be dancing along the ivories. Oh, and the basement bar! Wow, talk about the perfect spot for a party. Who doesn’t love a competitive game of ping pong, pinball, or pool? And the gym. I won’t have to renew my membership. Ralph’s got the gym fully stocked with kettle bells, yoga mats, free weights, elliptical machines, treadmills. That must’ve been one ugly divorce for him to end up with everything. His bedroom alone is the size of my— I mean Ryan’s— condo. He’s got a walk-in closet that could fit a tour bus and a bathroom, off his wing, that could house a small New York City apartment. Even my bedroom could fit a couple of compact cars in it.

  I totally scored with this place. Not sure how that happened. I mean, something’s going to give, right? I can’t just screw over a perfectly good man and walk into something this lovely. This is all a tease set up to lure me into more tough choices, more heartbreak, more regret. I went on Ryan’s Facebook page and there’s this girl I don’t know who keeps going back and forth with him on posts about righteousness. Ugh, reading it stirred up all sorts of crappy emotions.

  Okay, so, now that I got that out, I think I’ll go cook with Reina. She’s the only one who stuck around on this, my first night. Not exactly the picture-perfect celebration I envisioned. But, hey, a girl’s got to earn respect, right?

  Until my next need to unload.

  That night, under the golden glow of the retractable lighting and the gleam of copper pots hanging above our heads, Reina and I cooked up a feast. She spoke with a deep Indian accent and claimed the space, confident and strong like a head of household, ordering me to fetch this spoon and gather spice after spice.

  “So, Lucy tells us she’s pretty sure you’re a lesbian,” she said.

  I choked on a swig of water. Leaning into the counter, I balanced on its strength as a scene played out of Lucy warning the gang that I was a woman who preferred vaginas to penises. I nodded, and after taking in a deep breath, stood up tall to the label. “That’s right. I am.”

  She chopped a carrot with great speed. “I asked about your deal. She said you broke it off with your husband. Ralph asked why. She told him because it didn’t work out. So, I asked her if you were gay. She can’t lie, so she said yes, I think so.”

  “Wow,” I said. “That was a mouthful.”

  “I say it like it is.” Even the air around her seemed to rise and fall to her moves.

  “Straightforward. No guessing what’s really whipping up in your mind. I really like that.”

  “Well…” She stopped chopping. “I like you.” She inhaled deeply and nodded. Then her eyes flew open wide. “Oh, I don’t mean like that. I mean I like that you like that I can be blunt.”

  I shrugged, accepting her idea of a compliment.

  ”Do you have a girlfriend, yet?” she asked.

  “No.” I skirted around the counter and handed her a second carrot.

  “Do you have your eye on someone?”

  “No. I’m just enjoying some freedom now.”

  She looked up, arched her eye, and then chopped the second carrot. “So, how do you meet other lesbians?”

  I twisted my mouth, wishing I knew of a better way. “Friends, clubs, dating sites, I guess.”

  “Sounds dreadful.” She scooped up the pile of carrots and placed them in the crock pot.

  “I hope it’s not always going to be.” I reached for a chef’s knife from the magnetic strip along the wall. “Want me to chop some of those scallions?”

  She slid a bunch to me. “So, how did he take it?”

  “My husband?”

  “Yeah, your husband. I mean that must’ve been some blow.”

  I chopped the ends off the scallion bunch with one quick thud. “Yes. I’m sure it was.”

  “How many years were you married?”

  “A little less than three.”

  “Wow, almost newlyweds still.”

  “Are you always this bold?”

  “Get used to it. It’s just who I am.” She tilted her head slightly, a sure sign she only dealt words that mattered.

  “Good. Because I am just who I am, too.”

  “That’s the spirit.” She wrinkled up her pudgy nose and chopped the knife into an empty part of the cutting board, like pronouncing victory over a war she didn’t have to fight.

  I laughed at this. “In the spirit of keeping it real, I like you, too.” I doused her in an overly-inflated, poorly acted out flirty gaze. “But, not like that.”

  She turned red. “Well, good. Glad we got that settled and out in the open.”

  I continued slicing the scallion into small pieces. “So, how about you? Do you have a boyfriend?”

  “Hell no.” She drizzled a couple tablespoons of canola oil in the pot. “Hand me that spoon?” She craned her neck to the utensil cylinder.

  I stopped slicing and plucked it up. I stirred the carrots for her. She supervised and motioned to me to stir the carrots stuck to the side of the pot.

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “I hate dating. I hate the small talk. I hate the drama. I hate the sitting around waiting for a follow up call. I hate it all. I’d rather cook. At least I’m in control that way.”

  I simply shrugged, wondering how many bad dates she must have gone on to taint her this way. “It can be stressful.”

  “It won’t be stressful for you once you get out there,” she said. “You’re pretty. But, you’re not the greatest cook, so you’re going to have to play that one up before getting serious with someone.”

  I laughed. “I’m hoping the girl I end up with can cook like you. Otherwise, she could wind up very disappointed if she’s counting on me.”

  She emptied a spoonful of ginger into the pot. “Want me to try and set you up on a date?”

  “Hell no. I’d rather just leave it up to chance.”

  “I know a lot of people who know a lot of people. I’m sure someone’s got to know a hot lesbian.” She doused the carrots in apple cider vinegar. “Give me a few days. I’ll hook you up with someone.”

  Her confident smile hugged me and instantly connected us. I loved how I could talk freely about dating women. She accepted me, liberated this new me. “If she sucks, I’m not letting you off easy.”

  She scoffed and whirled the carrots around like a mad scientist.

  ~

  An hour after Reina and I ate and cleaned up the kitchen, I sat in one of my new living rooms and took it all in. Above the mantle sat a collage of the roommates; some with Lucy and Adam hugging, laughing, horse playing; some of the girls building a snowman; some of Ralph flexing; and one of all of them in a group pose, arms slung around one another like a big happy family.

  On the adjacent wall, three large windows as tall as the twelve foot ceilings themselves stood prominent and open with not a trace of a window treatment to ward off potential creeps from snooping. I was sure Ralph would kick their asses. He was like the house guard dog, minus the tail.

  A gigantic sixty-inch television hugged one entire corner of the room and was fully equipped with Xbox and Wii consoles and DVD collections of LOST and Doctor Who.

  Cradling my side was an oversized pillow with an intricate beaded design. I ran my fingers over the squares and circles and noticed a tag with Lucy’s Design etched on it. Talented and beautiful.

  I desperately wanted her to walk through the door at that moment. My first night and she was out. I craved to sit and chat in this golden room, wines in our hands, getting buzzed as we gossiped about work and learned about each other’s personal lives.

  By ten o’clock, I
decided to go to bed. And, it wasn’t soon after this that I heard the beep from the front door alarm and the two of them whisper as they made their way past my room and into theirs.

  LUCY

  I was four weeks into my first semester as a Ph.D. student and TA and was starting to discover that newness wore off pretty quickly. My free time disappeared when the assignments piled up and the associate professor I assisted requested I step up and take on a lot more responsibility than I first imagined. He put me in charge of an entire freshman class every Monday morning. I was responsible for digesting his plan and teaching it to them; for reviewing, analyzing and grading all assignments, including ten page research documents; and reporting everything back to him. I hadn’t signed up for this kind of work. Then, I needed to study for the three graduate courses I was taking.

  This left very little me-time, very little Adam-time, and even less time to get to know Hope the way I’d dreamed. She walked right into our lives with that confident stride of hers and commanded the room on every entrance. Reina adored her, and Reina never adores anyone. Every night it seemed that they were bonding over chopping blocks and chef knifes.

  She irritated Ralph because he got it in his pea-sized brain that she must've cheated on her husband and left him just as his wife did him. So, he avoided her. When she stepped into the room, he always left abruptly. She challenged him with her equally strong ego and quick comebacks. He was no longer the alpha. Hope slid right into that role.

  Hana followed her, obedient to her wishes, shy to her praise. Even Adam bantered with her about political and social issues. And whenever Hope would question Adam about his book project, he glowed. I think Adam had a crush on her, too. I think we all did, even Ralph. Everyone seemed to come alive in her presence. Our little garden grew brighter because Hope Steele fertilized our days with her charm, wit, and unwavering confidence.