Inner Secrets

by Suzie Carr

  “This is the first I am hearing about this.” I panicked thinking about moving, about not seeing Hope every morning and every night, and about living alone in a studio room having to tiptoe around Adam as he frantically attempted to write a masterpiece he’d never be able to write.

  “Ever since Hope moved in, things have changed. You’ve changed. Ralph’s changed. Now Reina’s boyfriend is practically a new roommate. All they do is laugh like a couple of hyenas. I just need more peace. I think this is my whole problem with writing lately. I can’t focus, so I’m not able to produce properly.”

  I wanted to laugh at him. I wanted to slap reality in his face like a Post-it note so he could see it clearly in front of him that he sucked as a writer, and regardless if he lived in a soundproof bubble, his books would not improve unless he was willing to admit he needed more skills. I paced the floor now, grunting like a horse, collecting my argument, and no matter which way I flipped it, there was no easy way to let this man down without crushing him.

  “I don’t think this is the time to discuss this,” I said. “You’re too upset. And I just really want to go downstairs and enjoy a fun night for a change.”

  “You and I see fun very differently.”

  “Well, we’re two different people, apparently.”

  “Just go,” he waved me off. “I’ll put some headphones on and turn up the music.”

  I didn’t argue. I walked right out of the door with a confident flip of my hair. I was not moving. No freaking way. I would confront him on this if need be.

  ~

  I went back downstairs, and about a half hour later, Adam emerged, showered, smelling like musk. He even gelled his thick hair into place and wore a sweater. By this point, we had already cleaned up charades and the kids were now playing Xbox in the great room. The rest of us sat around the living room talking about a new promotion Reina just got to be the sous chef. Just as Adam sat down next to me and smiled sheepishly, I noticed Rajesh take hold of Reina’s hand. Reina blushed. Adam whispered to me how sorry he was that he’d overreacted.

  Call it taking the easy way out, but this thrilled me. I would not have to confront him later about his silly idea to move out to a studio apartment. He just needed to cool. I understood the inner workings of this man.

  With an easy feel now, I talked about the race the next day. Everyone was going to be there, including Rajesh. Hope and I would arrive first at the break of dawn and the rest of them would get there closer to race time. I instructed them to be close to the finish line so that we could all go into the after race festivities to enjoy drinks and music. I also reminded them about the spaghetti dinner that night at a hall not far from our house. I squeezed Adam’s hand at this.

  At one point, I got up to help Hana clear some of the dishes. When I returned, Hope had sat down next to Adam and they were talking about her blog. Adam wanted to understand how she got so many to subscribe.

  “Easy. I just post contests all the time and people just find their way to me. They love the idea of getting something for free.”

  He nodded, his eyes wide with interest. “So do you have plans of what you’ll do with this blog?”

  “Actually Lucy gave me a great idea. She thinks I should turn it into a book.”

  I cringed. Adam shot me a look. I nearly dropped a tray of glasses. “A book? That’s a whole different animal. Do you realize how much you’ll be getting yourself into?”

  “Sure, I do.” Hope leaned back. “I actually already started writing it. It’s falling into place.”

  “How far along are you?”

  “I’m up to fifty thousand words already.”

  Adam struggled to compose under the envy. His legs bounced. His jaw twitched. “Well, just beware there’s a lot of work ahead of you. Writing is one thing, but then when you get to editing it, it’s tough.”

  Like he would know.

  “You sound like you’re trying to talk me out of it.”

  “No, just friendly advice.”

  “You know what I think?” Hope sat up taller. “I think you’re afraid of some friendly competition.”

  Adam opened his mouth to speak, but didn’t. I’d never seen him speechless before. He just stood up and walked out of the room to help Hana.

  “Why did you have to do that?” I asked her. “It’s not like he can compete with you.”

  “I don’t hold back. You know that.” She got up. “I’m going to bed.” She turned back to me. “I’ll see you bright and early.”

  I followed her to the foyer. “He’s in a really bad place right now.”

  “You’re just making excuses for him. It’s not okay that he comes to me and starts downplaying my writing. I won’t stand for it.”

  She marched up the stairs, and I let her.

  ~

  I met Hope in the kitchen the next morning. We drank a cup of coffee and ate a Powerbar around small talk that included things like cold weather, attire for the day, logistics for the party, and I even tossed in there something about wearing a heart rate monitor to be positive of our start and finish times.

  At one point, Hope looked at me and said, “You can say what’s on your mind.”

  “I just want to get to the race.”

  “Bullshit,” she challenged. “I walked away from you last night without saying goodnight and that didn’t upset you in the least bit?”

  “Why do you have to push it?” I asked.

  “I won’t walk on eggshells. I can’t do it. I want our friendship to be real, not based on politeness and false pretenses.”

  “Like it is between me and Adam.” I stated this as a fact.

  She cocked her head in agreement.

  “Fine,” I said. “You want truth? I’ll give you truth. I’m envious of you. I’m envious that you can say what’s on your mind and people respect it. Anytime I’ve tried to speak my mind, the thought comes out all tangled up and sounds like a complaint instead of a fact. Then, I have to spend the next day making it up to the person. You seem to just say it, they accept it, and you all move on.”

  “Not exactly. You do remember my ex hates me?”

  “So, how is that good?”

  “It’s real. I know this conversation between us is real. I know when I talk straight with someone, they are real back to me because I demand that. With Ryan it’s real, too. It’s not pretty. But it’s real.”

  “But, you weren’t always real with him. You were married to him for almost three years, right? Surely in that time you weren’t thrilled to be with him. So, there must have been some times when you hid the truth.”

  “Well… not everything is as black and white… I mean, there are times—”

  “There are times when you have to keep silent,” I continued for her.

  “Okay, maybe about my sexuality. But, when I had something to say to him, I said it.”

  “I think you hold back certain things from people still.” I knew her secrets.

  “I thought you didn’t like to challenge people? Sounds an awful lot like you’re challenging me right now.”

  “And I bet you like it,” I said with a tease to my voice.

  Her eyes flickered. “I love when you get a little feisty with me.” She stared into my eyes. “I find it flattering.”

  “Well, you should.” And to that, I curtsied, and we headed out to her car.

  When we arrived at the race location, white puffs filtered from our mouths and we stuffed hand warmers into our gloves. We huddled a little closer, which I didn’t mind at all.

  “I meant to ask you,” Hope said. “What did Adam have to say when he finally went to bed?”

  “Not a thing,” I said.

  She squinted, folding her arms across her chest. “Nothing?”

  “Seriously. He didn’t say a word to me. He climbed into bed, rolled over and went to sleep.”

  “I get the feeling he really doesn’t like me.”

  “He doesn’t.”

  “Okay, easy does it,” s
he said. “You’re still allowed a little sugar coating.”

  I nudged her with my elbow and fell into her. She wrapped her arm around me to save my balance. I hung in there for a few moments. “You’re nice and warm.”

  She hugged me closer. “Then, by all means, stay right where you are.”

  I snuggled up closer, enjoying her warmth, her heartbeat, and her breathing. “He thinks you’re attracted to me.”

  She curled into me. “What did you say to that?”

  “I asked him why he thought that.” I hugged her tighter. “He said he catches you checking me out.”

  She chuckled. “Did he also mention he catches you checking me out?”

  I tilted my head up to her. “Do I do that?”

  She nudged the tip of my nose with her mitten. “I catch you all the time.”

  I buried my head in her chest and she squeezed me tighter.

  Several minutes later, we lined up in our pace group of under one hour and ten minutes. People stretched and jumped up and down trying to keep warm. I set my heart rate monitor to zero and waited, anxious to finally reap the rewards of all of our training.

  The group started off slow, and when we passed the starting mark, I started my monitor. We agreed to run together and finish together. But, I could see the challenge right from the start. People zigzagged their way past us, and we bumped arms with a few hundred people as we moved past them. Before long, the crowd broke up and we could finally pace ourselves and enjoy the process without fear we’d lose one another in the great sea of people.

  Onlookers cheered as we ran past. At one point a marching band played for us. We ran strong and proud. Every once in a while I’d glance over at Hope and catch her looking at me. This gave rise to greater strides and faster paces.

  Before I knew it, we passed mile six and were well on our way to finishing. The crowds grew, the cheers got louder and my heart pumped faster. Right as we rounded the corner and the finish line was within clear site, I heard our names yelled out. On the side of the road, holding signs much too large for a crowd this size, were Reina, Rajesh, Hana, Ralph, and his kids. I searched around for Adam. I couldn’t see him. I thought maybe he was standing at the end and going to do something corny like present me with a dozen long stemmed roses, but the only people greeting me were Marines who passed out ribbons and took pictures with us.

  When our crew finally got to us, they pelted us with accolades, hugs, and kisses. I finally summoned up the nerve to ask Ralph, “Where’s Adam?”

  “He’s filming you from up there.” He pointed to the top of a hillside where Adam stood, recording the moment. We all waved to him, and he ran down towards us. He pulled me into his arms and congratulated me. He squeezed me tight for what felt like eternity. Then, finally, he relinquished his grip and pointed us all towards the festivities. “Let’s have some fun.”

  He didn’t say one word to Hope.

  ~

  The plan for later that afternoon was for Ralph and Rajesh to take Adam golfing so we girls could set up the hall. Then, they would run late because Rajesh would insist they have drinks at the country club bar. Then, they’d just meet us at the hall for the fake post-run spaghetti dinner.

  Several hours later, with the hall decorated with streamers and filled with several dozen of his colleagues from work, Adam arrived. His mouth hung open as it dawned on him that we were celebrating him. “Happy Birthday!” I said.

  Ralph gave him a “bro hug.” Rajesh patted his back. Hana bowed. Reina smirked. And Hope, blew bubbles in his face while singing Happy Birthday to him. With dozens of eyes set on him, he had to acknowledge her with a reciprocal display of affection in the way of a plastered smile.

  HOPE

  Lucy told me that she confronted Adam after the party. For that one moment of time between her saying this and her telling me how she confronted him, I soared like an eagle, rising way up and swooping in over the land, taking in all the beautiful lakes, and trees, and flowers below. Everything looked green and pure and ripe from this angle. Everything seemed in its rightful place just where the universe intended it to be. Then, she spilled to me that she hadn’t broken it off, but merely bandaged their broken relationship until the next rip, leaving me with a gaping hole to my future; one that bled, lonely and cold.

  In those few seconds after she told me she confronted him about a studio apartment and not their demise, I seriously thought about ending my time as an ordinary person and shuffling into something more obscure, less defined. I decided a nomadic life would be appropriate for me. I’d travel from one location to the next, gathering up ideas for blog entries. Perhaps even get lost in the Amazon and assimilate into a tribe that eats monkey brains for fun. That just seemed like a less punishing option than living under Ralph’s roof for another day.

  In those moments when she affirmatively told me she was going to make this work with Adam, and she would do so by being assertive and forthright, I caught a glimpse of my mistakes, my malfunctions, my sins, and reminded myself for the hundredth time that no one could shit all over a person and walk away with the gold prize.

  I returned right to that place of several months ago, when all I could see was Ryan’s disgust of me as a cheating skank with no values and fucked-up belief systems. He probably still shuddered when he thought of me, and would agree with this lonely lot I reaped in life, because he would think, she deserved just what she got. She deserved nothing more. She didn’t deserve to be happy in love. Nope. This served her right. Who did she think she was asking for more than she deserved? He’d go to Lucy if he could and warn her to stay away and not dare think for even a moment of screwing up her entire future for someone like me.

  “I’m happy for you,” I told her, giving up all possibility of a future with her. “Make it work if you can. You’re a good person and he’s a lucky guy.”

  “Thanks,” she said agreeing, wedging the knife deeper into my jugular. “He seemed genuinely concerned that I was upset with the move, and he really wanted to please me by staying put.”

  “I bet he did.” I wanted to add, I bet he left you alone in your bed five minutes later as he went to write another horrible scene.

  LUCY

  I got the feeling when I told Hope about stirring up some possible conflict with Adam, that she didn’t entirely buy into the idea that I was being true and standing up for myself. She backed down from digging deeper. And, she did so because she probably thought I was too weak a person to confront her or anyone for that matter.

  I wished I could tell her how strong I really was; that I managed to quit a strange addiction of peering into her secret thoughts. This required strength, and sadly she’d never know this giant obstacle that I had overcome.

  I started to enjoy this feeling of standing up for myself. With Adam, I point blank stomped my foot on his idea of moving out to a studio apartment. He had brought it up again once we got back from his party, citing that he didn’t feel he belonged to this group of people, and that he’d rather just tidy up our lives by simplifying and getting rid of the clutter. I told him this clutter was mine, and that I enjoyed it. I wouldn’t pack it up into a box and shove it under a bed to be forgotten forever. I enjoyed it. I cherished it. I needed such clutter in my life if I was to live in a world with him and his laptop. We discussed our future using this analogy. Talking about cardboard boxes and trinkets seemed the easier way to confront something so complicated and personal. In my mind, Ralph was a bronzed statue, Hana an origami napkin, Reina a plump, squishy doll, and Hope, she was a delicate crystal figurine. I would guard them, and not allow Adam to toss them in the trash to be forgotten forever.

  He gave up when I said, “If you leave, I’m not following.”

  Panic stretched across his face. “You’d choose them over me?”

  I reached for his hand. “No. I choose myself first. And then you.”

  He closed his eyes at this, nodded a few times and then opened them with a new sense of recognition. “I can respec
t that.”

  I walked away from that conversation with a new badge of honor coated in a sense of pride and confidence, the likes of which was so foreign and exciting to me.

  On a cold day in January, when we held our very belated Thanksgiving day dinner, before the turkey was fully cooked, the potatoes cubed, the garlic pressed, and the apples cored, I got the opportunity to show off this new badge of self-respect again when my niece showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase in hand begging to move in with me. “My mother kicked me out.”

  “Why?”

  “I told her I wished you were my mother instead. And so she went crazy and started throwing things at me and telling me to leave.”

  “How did you get here?”

  “My friend drove me. He had to leave, though, so you won’t get to meet him.”

  I shuffled her inside and immediately called my sister. She didn’t answer. So, we continued to press the garlic and core the apples and pretend life was one big happy holiday, and that all would be rosy.

  Just about the time I shoved a rack of rolls into the oven to brown, my sister showed up, primed and ready to fight. Ralph handed her a glass of wine, which she guzzled. He even ignored the fact that she didn’t remove her heels.

  I stood before her, the counter and a potholder my only defense against her thorny, prickly aura, and told her to take off her shoes and sit down and eat with us.

  No one spoke, and I highly doubted even breathed in those few seconds it took for my sister to step out of her heels and hand them to Ralph. “Do you mind?”

  “Put your own shoes away,” he said, then stole a carrot from the tray, chomped on it and walked out to the living room.

  My sister’s eyes glossed over in tears, her confidence side-swiped by Ralph’s bite. Instinctively, I fell quickly into protect mode. “He’s just being ornery because his favorite football team isn’t playing today.” I swooped in and took her shoes. “Here I’ll take them for you.”