“You two,” Arthur pointed at Nell and Myrddin with his chin, “will return to Garth Celyn.” Myrddin turned towards him, surprised, and King Arthur moved closer. “Have either of you slept?”
Myrddin glanced at Nell before shaking his head. That King Arthur could brush off his brother’s insults in favor of concern for his own people was one of the reasons he was a great king. It was also one of the many contradictions about him. Depending on whom one talked to, Arthur was worth dying for because of who he was and the position he held, or he was an arrogant son-of-a bitch whose regard for his own power was paramount.
He wore his status and dignity with kingly bearing, while at the same time was obnoxiously protective of them. He carried a vision of a united Wales, but had fought and schemed for nearly forty years to hold onto what was his. And yet, despite his faults, there was nobody more suited to ruling Wales than he—and his people knew it. Myrddin knew it.
“You’re no use to me exhausted. I want your full report this time, Myrddin.” Arthur turned away and began walking towards the front doors. “I understand you were the one who brought down Wulfere.”
“Yes, my lord,” Myrddin said.
Arthur waved a hand, gesturing to Gareth who’d just come into the hall from the rooms beyond it. “Myrddin is with me.”
Gareth nodded.
Arthur marched toward the entry doors, expecting Nell and Myrddin to follow. Myrddin took a long step after him before he noticed that Nell hadn’t moved.
Myrddin looked back at her. “He meant you as well.”
His comment shook Nell out of her reverie, and she hurried to walk beside him. “I know. But why?”
“I don’t even know why he wants me to come,” Myrddin said.
“You are a most trusted companion.” Nell stated this as a truth.
“Three days ago, I wouldn’t have said that was the case.”
And that, when he examined the facts, was his own fault. He’d lived no differently from every other man in his position: he fought battles and drank himself to sleep afterwards; he caroused with the other warriors and made love to any woman who’d consent to share his bed. He’d been an oft-chosen messenger for the king, and perhaps Arthur’s sudden confidence in him was a natural outgrowth of Myrddin’s ability to perform his duties as he asked. Still, Myrddin found it odd that just at the point he was ready to step forward, to take on more of a leadership role than he ever had before, and had practically forced himself upon his betters, Arthur had decided to accept him.
It had been dark in the hall, the few windows letting in glimmers of light. He and Nell had doctored the men by torchlight, so it wasn’t until they exited the hall for the courtyard of the manor house that Myrddin realized that the sun had risen and moved well up in the sky. Nell bent her head to inspect her blood-spattered skirt and made an unhappy face. Arthur had already mounted his horse and was surrounded by his escorts. Perhaps he’d been astride when Cai had arrived and taken the opportunity to speak to him while he’d had the chance.
“There will be clothes for you at Garth Celyn,” Myrddin said to Nell, mounting when the boy brought Cadfarch to him and hauling her up behind. It was a short ride to the castle from Penrhyn, and as before, they would take the road along the coast, riding down from the heights into the valley and then back up again to the hill on which Garth Celyn perched.
Nell wrapped her arms around Myrddin’s waist and pressed her face into the back of his cloak. “So much death. How do you live with it?”
“Do I?” Myrddin said. “Is it any wonder that most men drink themselves into a stupor every night, rather than see the faces of the men who’ve fallen by their hands, or the faces of their friends who died instead of them?”
“You killed Wulfere,” she said.
“I did.”
Nell sat silent for a heartbeat. “And that man at St. Asaph too. In defense of me.”
“Yes,” he said. “I’ve killed more men then I can count and will kill many more.”
“How do you live with it?”
“My thinking has changed over the years, Nell. That first man—him I killed with an arrow. We were screened from the Saxons by trees, trying to pick them off one-by-one. It was dangerous work because with an ambush, there is always the fear that the enemy will charge into the wood to find you. Late in the day, I hit a man right through the neck, and he toppled off his horse. I was not alone in that. We killed a dozen more before we retreated.”
“And what did you feel?”
“Nothing,” Myrddin said, “at least not at first, not for hours. It came as a shock to me that killing could be the easiest thing in the world to do. One moment the man was alive, laughing among his fellows, and then he was on the ground, felled by my arrow. At the time, when it first happened, I was so surprised all I could think was, I did it! That wasn’t so hard! It was the difference between taking a breath and letting it out.”
Nell’s arms were around his waist, holding on. “And then?” It warmed him that she knew him well enough already to know there had to be an ‘and then’.
“And then I woke in the night and couldn’t get the man out of my head: watching the arrow hit, watching him fall. One of the men allowed me to sob in his arms. It was only then I realized they all knew, even as they congratulated me, that this was coming.”
“How old were you?”
Myrddin’s chest rose and fell as he breathed in more of the cold air. “I’d just turned seventeen.”
Nell made a sympathetic noise, which Myrddin brushed off.
“And after that?” she said.
“I have killed so many times, Nell, with bow and with sword. At first, even in the midst of battle, I wouldn’t expect to actually kill anyone. After that—” Myrddin paused. “After that, I learned to expect it, to admit my regrets, and to understand that I would owe penance for every soul I took. It remains a dreadful necessity.”
“That’s how you come to terms with the killing?” Nell said. “By telling yourself it’s necessary?”
“Yes,” Myrddin said.
“You can ask for absolution …” Her voice trailed off, perhaps because she realized how ridiculous that sounded.
“Absolution is for those who regret their offense and swear they will refrain from committing it in the future. Much of the time, neither is possible for me.”
“That’s partly why I can’t be a nun,” Nell said. “I no longer have either the certainty or the grace.”
Myrddin pondered that, unspeaking, for another half-mile, at which point, he could no longer tolerate his own uncertainty. If he’d brought a snake into Garth Celyn, he needed to know. “What were you really doing at St. Asaph?” He kept his voice low and deceptively gentle.
“I-I told you,” Nell said.
“You told me you traveled on your own, but to what end? What haven did you ultimately hope to reach?”
“I—” She stopped. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“Scotland,” Nell said. “I fear King Arthur is going to lose this war, and I will not watch it happen. I will not live in a Gwynedd ruled by Modred.”
Those were strong words, forcefully spoken. He’d never heard anyone give voice to his own fears as clearly as this. “And if I were to accuse you again of spying for the man himself?”
Nell took in a sharp breath. And then, unaccountably, she began to laugh. “You really believe that? You still doubt me enough to ask such a question?”
Myrddin didn’t reply, and she laughed all the harder, burying her face in Myrddin’s back and clutching at his cloak with both fists to keep her seat on the saddle bags.
They’d garnered some curious glances as their conversation had progressed, but with Nell’s laughter, the looks turned to open smirks. Myrddin slowed Cadfarch and smiled back at his friends, covering for Nell. In truth, they were both well beyond their prime. Whatever was going on between them—whatever it was—had little import, other than the oddity of Myrddin
’s interest in any woman beyond a single night. Myrddin’s companions turned away, all except Ifan who gave him a knowing smirk before straightening in his seat. Myrddin made a mental note to cuff him upside the head later.
“It isn’t funny,” Myrddin said.
Nell sobered enough to speak. “Yes, it is.”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
Nell swallowed hard, the laughter gone. “I’m not a spy, Myrddin. Whatever else I may have been or might become, never think that.”
Myrddin nodded, somewhat mollified and yet more curious than ever.
When they reached Garth Celyn, men and horses filled the bailey, and they jostled against one another as Myrddin dismounted from Cadfarch. Just as his feet hit the ground, Ifan bumped into his back, unbalancing both Nell and him such that he clutched her to his chest.
“Whoops.” Ifan shot Myrddin a wicked grin. “Looks like you don’t need the king’s help finding yourself a wife after all.”
Myrddin froze, even as Nell stiffened too. Myrddin had his arm around her waist to hold her upright, and she turned in the circle of it and poked him in the chest. Her laughter had turned into a more manageable anger. “Wife? What’s he talking about?”
Her eyes snapped in her upturned face. Myrddin hastened to appease her. “It has nothing to do with you.”
“Then tell me what it has to do with,” she said. “You’re avoiding the question.”
“When we arrived at Garth Celyn—could that only be two nights ago?—King Arthur told me that I appeared different to him. He has begun to trust me more since the war was renewed, and I’ve earned some honor in his eyes. I’m penniless, as I told you, and he said that he will give me land to support a wife in the new year.”
“Myrddin!” Nell’s anger melted. “That’s quite an offer, especially when he’s besieged on every side.” Together they observed Arthur’s retreating back as he entered the castle’s great hall.
“But perhaps a hollow one, too,” Myrddin said. “Many battles stand between this moment and that promise. As you yourself said, there is reason to fear for his life and for the future of Wales.”
Nell’s eyes narrowed, surveying the bailey and the activity around them. “I’ve lived shut away from the world too long. I should have realized after Caerhun that I couldn’t ride or dine or spend any time in your company—any man’s company—without causing talk.”
Given the trauma of the last few days, as well as her wish (that she’d expressed) and Myrddin’s (that he hadn’t) never to marry, Myrddin took her comment as his signal to apologize. “I’m sorry, Nell—”
She cut him off. “Leave it. It isn’t your fault. Besides, if everyone thinks I belong to you, so much the better. It will give me the freedom to come and go as I please, unremarked. I would prefer to avoid attention from any other man.”
“Are you sure—?”
She cut him off again. “I’m long past having any interest in sitting in the solar amongst the other women, Myrddin.” Then she looked up into his face. “You helped me before. You protected me before. Will you help me again?”
Oh, yes, I think so. Myrddin nodded.
“Good. I’ll find us a place to sleep.” She set off for the great hall. Myrddin, leaving Cadfarch once again in Adda’s care, followed in her wake, more bemused than surprised. Nell might not be a spy, but she was something, knew something, that was out of the ordinary.
Myrddin had a mind to find out what that was.
Part Two
The Oaken Door
Chapter Seven
8 November 537 AD
“Myrddin! Get over here!”
I obeyed, riding toward Gawain, my captain. At his grim look, I pulled up beside him and reached for my sword—not to fight him, but because he already held his.
“The Saxons are here!” he said.
I squinted in the direction he pointed, but could see nothing beyond movement in the branches opposite. “I’ll root them out, my lord.”
I gathered my men together and we crossed the creek to the north of the church where King Arthur waited even now to meet with Lord Edgar. I knew it was a trap. It was always a trap. I struggled to turn aside but we rode relentlessly on, across the creek, up the bank, and through the trees. Once we left the protection of the woods, the arrows flew, and Ifan shouted that we must turn back.
“Myrddin! No!” As I charged the Saxon line, a woman screamed. The screaming grew louder, but I ignored it, instead spurring my horse forward, my heart racing. “Myrddin!”
Nell sat up with a start and her breath came in gasps. She could still see the dream hanging before her eyes like a veil, even as Myrddin sprang from his pallet and moved towards her through the lingering image.
“What is it?”
“Just a dream.” Nell put a hand to her chest in hopes that it would ease her racing heart.
“Of St. Asaph?” Myrddin crouched before her.
Nell took in a breath and let it out. “No.” She lifted a hand to him, and he took it, warming it in his two larger ones. “Not that. It was one I often have. It’s nothing.”
“Is it?” Myrddin said.
Nell froze, hearing the change of tone in his voice, and looked into his face. She’d asked that he leave a candle burning in its dish and it still guttered, within moments of going out but still giving off enough light to show his expression. “Yes. Why?”
“You called my name,” he said. “Or rather, cried it.”
“Oh.”
“I’m curious that if it was a dream you’ve often had, that you would have dreamt of me before you met me.”
Nell twitched her shoulders. For so many years she’d longed to tell someone of the dream, but now that it came to it, she couldn’t. He would think her—no, know her—crazed. She gazed into Myrddin’s face, warring with herself, unable to answer. “It—” She stopped. “I didn’t—”
Myrddin sat back on his heels. “It’s all right. You don’t have to tell me now if you don’t want to.”
Nell didn’t know if that was really better or not. If not for the screaming, he probably would have thought she was dreaming of him in a romantic way but was too embarrassed to admit it. It irked her how wrong that was, but she had no way to fix it. Under his gaze, she forced herself to relax and lie down. But she didn’t turn her back to him as she had earlier. Instead, she studied him as he was studying her.
He’d made sure, once she’d found space for them in one of the small, closet-like sleeping rooms in the manor house, that this was truly what she wanted. The room had been empty as they’d entered. He’d closed the door to lean against it while she shifted one of the pallets so it no longer abutted any of the others.
“After this, there’s no going back, Nell,” he’d said.
Nell had laughed, the sound coming more harshly than she’d intended. “It isn’t very nun-like is it?” She arrested her movements to focus on him. “It’s better this way, Myrddin. I slept that first night amongst the other women, ten of us strewn across the floor. My dreaming woke them three times. They don’t want me there, and I don’t want to lie among them.”
“I’m not saying it’s uncommon,” Myrddin said. “It’s done all the time. Most of the men here haven’t married their women, but none of those women spent the last ten years in a convent. This is going to ruin your reputation.”
“Or yours?” She looked up at him, truly worried about the arrangement for the first time. “The king—”
“Cares not a whit,” he said. “His concern, like mine, would be for you.”
“This is my choice.”
“If you say so.” He’d gestured to a spot against the opposite wall from where she sat. “I gather my pallet is over there.”
“You gather correctly.” She shot him a grin. “If another woman catches your eye, just tell me, and I’ll make myself scarce.”
“Damn it, Nell.” He’d turned on her, his hands on his hips. “This isn’t funny.”
“Isn�
��t it? I have to look at it this way. Otherwise, the only other choice is despair.”
Now, Myrddin invoked that earlier conversation. “I know about despair, Nell.” He eased backwards onto his pallet. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but last night when you spoke to me of it, you weren’t speaking just about what happened at St. Asaph, or even Llanfaes, were you?”
“No,” Nell said. “Despair is a companion with whom I’m long acquainted.”
Myrddin matched her, lying on his side with the blankets pulled to his chin. “I have dreams too, Nell.”
Nell nodded, but she still wasn’t ready to reveal her true thoughts: Not like mine, you don’t.
*
Myrddin slept past the dawn and awoke, his brain churning, thinking about Nell, knowing that she’d dreamt of him even if she wouldn’t admit it. He hoped the dream was a good one, but he somehow doubted it.
Nell’s auburn hair cascaded off the edge of the pallet, having come loose from her braid in the restless night. She turned her head, met his eyes, looked away, and then looked back. “Thank you for understanding.”
Myrddin sat up. “I didn’t say I understood. I just decided not to press you right away. At some point soon, I’m going to ask you to tell me what is going on behind that sweet smile.”
“Oh, is that it?” she said, giving him the smile he wanted. “Well, not this moment anyway.” She got to her feet. “While you wait, you can help me dress.”
Myrddin took that for what it was—a chaste invitation. Well-bred women wore elaborate skirts that scraped the ground, got in the way, and forced women to walk in a mincing fashion. At Arthur’s insistence, Nell had given away both the homespun dress which the men had ripped at St. Asaph before Myrddin had rescued her and the coarse dress from Caerhun that blood-stains had irreparably damaged. In exchange, she now wore the fashionable gown of a lady, which was a bit harder to get into.
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