by Nicola Upson
‘So I persuaded you to punish yourself by living?’
‘Yes. We’ve always been selfish, you and I, and I’ve never really felt any great impetus to make amends for what I’ve taken – but I did then. I looked at your face, and it was cut and bruised and ugly – and that seemed to say everything about the way I’d loved you. Nathaniel would have said that I was paying for my sins, I suppose, but there was nothing noble about it, nothing good, and I don’t expect any great reward for it in another life. This one has been more than enough for me. I thought you’d tricked me, you know.’
‘Tricked you? How?’
‘By persuading me to live and then going into the pool yourself. It was one more thing that I could never forgive you for.’
‘I didn’t plan it that way – you have to believe that. After I left you, I had to get away. Turning my back on you for good was so hard, and I didn’t trust myself to stick with what I’d resolved to do, so I wanted to get out before I weakened and changed my mind. I rode Shilling as hard as I could along the Bar, partly to do just that and partly to feel the exhilaration of that ride one last time, but something got in my way. That idiot Christopher threw something at the horse and frightened him to death. He shied away and started making for the pool, and there was absolutely nothing I could do except hang on. We hit the water, and it was as though I’d suddenly come to my senses. Everything that had happened in the last few hours suddenly seemed more real. I suppose I’d been in shock until then, but everything came into focus and I knew that I was fooling myself. I couldn’t run away from what I’d done, and I couldn’t live without you. You’re right. Death is the easy way out, but I didn’t have your courage and I decided to take it. I knew Shilling was strong enough to make it to the other shore, especially without me to weigh him down, so I just let go.’
‘I don’t understand – why would Christopher do something like that?’
‘Because I’d given him such a hard time over Loveday, I suppose.’
‘But there was nothing going on between him and Loveday. Morveth checked with Jago to make sure.’
‘What would Jago know? What do fathers ever know? Of course there was something going on. I caught them together one evening at the boathouse, told him to keep his hands off the living and gave Loveday a telling-off she’d never forget.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I promised her I wouldn’t as long as it didn’t happen again – not for a few years, anyway. I thought that would make her think twice before going behind our backs.’
Without a word, Morwenna got up and put her arms round him. Surprised, and hardly daring to believe what was happening, he returned the embrace. When she raised her face to him, he saw that she was crying. ‘You didn’t believe me until just now, did you?’ he asked gently. ‘Why, Morwenna?’
‘Because of how she was with you. When things changed between us, you shut me out – you and her.’
‘I missed you, and it felt like Loveday was the only family I had left – but not like that. Never like that.’
‘I’d see you coming back into the house with her after you’d been out somewhere together. She always looked so happy, and I remembered – how could I ever forget? – that was exactly how I used to feel when I’d been with you. Like nothing could touch me, like the whole world was mine for the taking because I had you, and nothing and no one else mattered. So when I found out she was pregnant…’
‘Loveday? Pregnant?’
‘Not any more – she lost the baby, thank God, but I thought it was yours.’
‘Is she all right? She didn’t seem ill.’
‘Yes, she’s fine. She’ll soon forget about it – her big brother’s back and all’s well with the world. I wish it were that simple for all of us.’ She sat on the straw again and pulled him down beside her. ‘What made you change your mind once you were in the water?’
‘Fear. Nothing more honourable than that. I let myself sink deep down into the lake and it was so cold, so dark. I’d never thought about the darkness before – it was the loneliest moment I’d ever known. If I’d weighed myself down or allowed the sea to take me instead, it would have been different – I’d have left myself no choice. But it’s very difficult to stay down there when all your instincts are to live. I don’t know how long I was under the water. It can only have been seconds but it felt much longer. I could tell you that I came back up to punish myself like you did, or I could say that it wouldn’t have been fair to die after persuading you to live – but the truth is I just couldn’t do it. I reached the surface close to the shore, by that tangle of low-hanging branches on the western side, and I was disgusted with myself for not even having the decency to die properly. That’s when it came to me – if everyone thought I was dead, I could start again as someone else. We could start again.’
‘So you used the other man’s body to fake your own death?’
‘Yes. I knew I didn’t have long because it had been light for some time, so I went back to where I’d left it and carried it to the thickest part of the wood. I was exhausted, and sick to the stomach at what I was doing, but I tried not to let myself think of him as a human being. I put my own belt and boots on him, and took his money – he had enough on him to get me out of the area for a bit and to see me through until I could find some casual work in a place where I wouldn’t be recognised. Then I carried him to the bank where the water’s at its deepest. I knew the body would be unrecognisable if I made sure it was in the lake long enough – I remember overhearing Jago Snipe talking to Dad once about a drowning he’d brought out of the pool – so I weighed it down as best I could and pushed it in.’ For the last few minutes, Harry had been afraid to look at Morwenna but he could not avoid it any longer. ‘Aren’t you horrified by what I’ve done?’ he asked, surprised to see how calm she looked.
It was a long time before she answered. ‘I know what you’re capable of, Harry. You killed our parents and it didn’t stop me loving you, but it put a distance between us. Now, I don’t know what I feel. Numb, I suppose, and frightened of the violence.’
‘But I’d never hurt you.’
‘I know you wouldn’t. But you would hurt – you have hurt – because of me, and that’s worse. This darkness in you – I have to carry it inside, too, and it frightens me that I’m prepared to do that, simply because it’s better than having nothing of you at all. What does that make me?’
‘Would you rather I’d stayed away?’
‘No, of course not. I told you – I’m too selfish for that. But it’s not straightforward like it is for Loveday.’ She leaned over and touched his cheek. ‘And like it seems to be for you. You really do think we can start again, don’t you?’
‘Yes, if we went away somewhere. It could be straightforward if nobody knew us, if we could forget about the past.’
‘And what about Loveday?’
‘She can come with us.’
‘Don’t be so bloody naive, Harry. We can’t drag her away from a place she loves and expect her to act out our lies for us – that isn’t even feasible, and it certainly isn’t fair.’ She must have seen the desolation in his face, because her next words were softer and he knew she was trying to be kind. ‘I can be your sister, but I can’t be your lover – here, or anywhere else.’
‘So it’s all been for nothing?’
‘Is that really nothing? You could still have a family, Harry – even here. We could find a way, make something up to explain it.’
‘Here? Now who’s being naive? Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? I’m a murderer, Morwenna – I can’t just turn up again from nowhere without people asking questions. I’ve killed someone and let you bury him thinking it was me.’
‘But there’s no proof.’
‘He was wearing my belt, for Christ’s sake. And there’s Nathaniel.’
‘My God, of course – you don’t know, do you? Nathaniel’s dead, Harry. Someone killed him the other night at the Minack. I’m sorry
– I know you cared about him and I know this will sound heartless, but he can’t tell anybody anything. He’s no longer a threat to us.’
Sadly, he stroked her hair, then held her face in his hands for a long time. ‘But he is, Morwenna – more so than ever.’
‘For the last time, Archie, I’ve no idea what happened to the body. I keep telling you – I never saw it, and I never asked Harry where it was. That way, I couldn’t be lying if someone came asking. If he had any sense, he’ll have let the sea take it. It’s probably been washed ashore by now – I wouldn’t have heard about it. I’ve had too much on my hands with Morwenna and Loveday.’
‘It hasn’t come ashore, Morveth. When we started looking for Christopher, I asked the coastguard about recent drownings at sea along this stretch and he told me that the only bodies washed ashore in the last two months have been elderly men, women and one child – nobody who tallies with what you’ve just told me about Harry’s victim.’
‘Oh, I don’t know then. He could have hidden it anywhere on the estate – it’s a big enough place.’
‘True, but there are very few places on it that wouldn’t have been worked or at least looked over during the time that’s passed since that night.’
‘It’s possible, though.’
‘Yes, it’s possible, but even you don’t sound very convinced. I think there’s something you’re not telling me, Morveth, so I’ll ask you again. But first, let me tell you something: a clerk from up country was reported missing several weeks ago,’ he said, repeating what Fallowfield had told him. ‘He came down here on holiday and hasn’t been seen since. I’d put money on the fact that he was the man who got in Harry’s way that night, and that he has a family and friends who are worried sick and waiting for someone to knock on their door with the worst possible news. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you feel no sense of responsibility for what those people have been going through? Do I have to fetch Jago Snipe and get him to tell you how it feels not to know what’s happened to your son before you’ll be completely honest with me? All right, so they’re strangers to you but they’ve done nothing wrong and they have a right to any help you can give – a right, I might add, which Harry Pinching forfeited the moment he took another man’s life.’
‘You make it sound so easy, Archie,’ Morveth said sadly. ‘I wish I still had your certainty. I only ever wanted to protect them.’
‘Morwenna and Loveday?’
‘Yes – and Harry, too, I suppose, even after everything he’s done. I’ve looked out for them all their lives – it’s hard to break the habit. But you’re right – that other family’s grief is on my conscience, and more besides, and I don’t trust myself to do the right thing like I used to.’
‘Then I’ll appeal to your conscience now,’ Archie said, more gently this time. Morveth was one of the proudest women he had ever met and, whilst he recognised the truth in Josephine’s opinion of her, he sympathised with how difficult it must be for Morveth to acknowledge her own fallibility – to him but more especially to herself. ‘I’m here to investigate Nathaniel’s death but things have been going wrong in this community for much longer. Please tell me anything you can that might help me piece it together.’
‘All right, but you have to understand – I don’t know anything for sure. I can only tell you what I think – although it’s actually what I’ve been trying not to think.’
‘Go on,’ Penrose urged.
‘It’s going to sound ridiculous, but the longer all this goes on, the more certain I am that Harry didn’t die after all.’
For the first time in many years, Morwenna was afraid. It was an emotion which she always associated with the early days of her relationship with Harry; back then, the fear that someone would discover their secret had been mixed with excitement; now, she felt it in its purest form – paralysing rather than exhilarating, and stripped of all the heroic illusions that had fooled her when she was young. ‘What else have you done, Harry?’ she asked, trying to keep her voice level. ‘Not Nathaniel – please, tell me that wasn’t you?’ As he continued to say nothing, refusing even to look at her, her plea became a scream. ‘Tell me it wasn’t you, Harry.’
‘I had no choice,’ he said, his words barely audible. ‘I’d already killed – what difference could it make?’
Morwenna stared at him in disbelief. ‘How can you say that? There’s no comparison. The other man was a stranger – and anyway, he provoked you. Nathaniel’s death was cold-blooded murder, something you must have planned – why would you do that?’
‘I don’t know – nothing made sense any more. I did it for us – so we could be together.’
She slapped him, hard, and tried to focus on the stinging in her hand to keep herself from losing all reason. ‘No, Harry – you got away with that when you killed our parents but it’s not good enough any more. Don’t pin this on us – you owe me more than that, and you certainly owe Nathaniel something more. He was your friend, for God’s sake – he loved you. And you’ve just exchanged his life for a fantasy – wiped him out because he got in your way. What’s happened to you? If you can do that, you can do anything. Where’s this going to end?’
‘Oh stop pretending, Morwenna. You’ve known what I’m capable of since we were eighteen. It didn’t bother you then, when it was our parents, so why all this grief now? You didn’t even particularly like Nathaniel, so why choose his life over mine?’
‘It’s not a choice. Why is everything so black and white with you? What you did to our parents was an act of despair, Harry – you wanted oblivion for yourself, and you didn’t care who you took with you. I understood that, and I can understand the type of rage that led you to go too far with a stranger who was stupid enough to push you. But Nathaniel wasn’t in the wrong place at the wrong time – what you did to him was pure hatred. Can’t you see there’s a difference?’
‘All I can see is that I couldn’t be parted from you, and Nathaniel was in the way. He knew too much – we could never have been happy.’
‘Like we are now, you mean?’
‘Don’t mock me, Morwenna,’ he said angrily. ‘I did hate Nathaniel – and with good reason. I hated him just like I hated that man when he hurt Shilling, only this didn’t pass.’
‘But why? Nothing that’s gone wrong between us was Nathaniel’s fault. He didn’t ask to be told about the fire, and we’ve been perfectly capable of tearing each other apart without any help from him.’
‘How can you say that? I’ve been watching you, Morwenna…’
‘What do you mean? How could you have been watching me? How long have you been back here?’
‘A few days. I read the announcement in the paper, and I could hardly miss my own funeral, could I?’
The sarcasm sounded strange coming from Harry, and the realisation that he was capable of shocking her hurt Morwenna far more than anything he had to say. ‘Where have you been hiding?’ she asked.
‘There’s a tunnel under the church that no one knows about. I’ve been there most of the time, but I had to see you, even if it wasn’t safe to let you know. So yes, I watched you and I saw what it had done to you – the belief that I could forget you and turn to Loveday, and everything else that had happened. All the life in you had gone.’
‘But what’s that got to do with Nathaniel?’
‘No matter what you say, you’d never have believed that of me if he hadn’t put it in your head. You know, I stood under that church, listening while he stumbled his way through that pathetic eulogy, and all I could think about was how none of this would have happened if it weren’t for him – we could still be together. You talk about love, but he was a coward and a hypocrite. Yes, he loved me, but not in the way you think; he wanted me just like I want you, and he couldn’t deal with it. I went out of my way to be friendly to him, to show him that it made no difference, and it really didn’t – not until he had the nerve to preach to you about forbidden love and tell you that I was fucking my little sis
ter.’
‘Harry, he…’
‘Don’t try to defend him, Morwenna. Why would he make up those lies about me? Was it some sort of spiteful revenge for everything he couldn’t have or was he just worried about my soul? If that was it, he should have saved his counsel for himself, because I showed him what damnation really means. I showed him that dead men do come back – and they get what they’re owed.’
‘Listen to me, Harry. He didn’t put anything in my head. I told you why I jumped to the wrong conclusions about you and Loveday, and it had nothing to do with Nathaniel.’
‘But that night, when we were arguing – you accused me of turning to her and never really loving you. Then when I was leaving – when I’d hit you and I couldn’t bear to stay – you called after me. You said that Nathaniel knew everything anyway and it was only a matter of time before he said something to someone else.’
‘I was talking about the fire.’
‘What? You mean he hadn’t talked to you about Loveday and me?’
‘No, of course not, and I would never have said anything to him about it – I was too ashamed.’ The horror of Harry’s misunderstanding hit Morwenna like a physical blow. She got to the stable door just in time and, as the sour smell of vomit rose from the hard earth, she retched again, as if she could somehow empty herself of her grief and her guilt. She felt Harry’s hand on her shoulder. ‘What have we done?’ she asked eventually, turning to look at him. ‘What have I done?’
Her devastation was reflected in Harry’s face. ‘I thought he’d lied to you to spite me,’ he said. ‘I was so sure.’
‘He’d never have done that – not to you, no matter what he felt. He would never have talked about you behind your back.’
