Losing the Field

by Glines, Abbi

  I wasn’t that naïve. Love took time. It took knowing someone. It took a lot more than thinking you know them because you have observed them. Like with Nash. I thought I loved him before. But I hadn’t known him really.

  I did now.

  And … I knew I loved him. Even with his flaws. I had my own set of flaws. No one was perfect. Nash would make mistakes, just like I would. It didn’t make me love him less.

  “He flirts with other girls all the time. When you aren’t watching, he looks at them. He doesn’t know how to love. Teenage boys never do. They need to grow up first. Don’t give your heart to a guy who can’t cherish it. Because yours is special. So incredibly special.”

  What was he talking about? Had I said I loved Nash out loud?

  “He will hurt you again and again if you let him. I see how you look at him. It makes me insane with jealousy. If he understood what he had, he wouldn’t be running around with that other kid trying to become famous. He wants a life out of here. He lost his football future, and he’s working on making a new one. You’re not in that life, Tallulah. You’re just the girl from high school. The one he likes. The one who’s prettier than the others. The one who makes him feel important again. But you are so much more than that.” He took a step toward me, and I had nowhere else to back up to this time. But I didn’t need to. He wasn’t going to attack me.

  He was just trying to warn me. About things I needed to hear. I didn’t know boys. He was right. I was naïve. Innocent. Clueless. And loving Nash was probably a mistake.

  “I don’t want to lose you. I won’t touch you again … if you don’t want me to. But don’t pull away from me. Please.” His voice was strained.

  I found it odd he wasn’t begging me not to say anything. Or to keep it a secret because he would lose his job. That didn’t seem to be his concern. I was his concern. I didn’t want it to, but that made me feel special. It was warped, but I still felt important. As if losing me was harder than losing his job.

  “I need to get my backpack from your room and go home. This, I don’t know how to deal with this. Just give me time to think it through. Maybe see if I can understand it.”

  He stepped back and gave me a small nod. “Sure. Whatever you need. I’m here. If you want me to be.”

  I was going to have to walk past him to get to the door. I didn’t think he was going to reach out and grab me, but I was stiff and nervous anyway as I made my way to the door. The hallway was empty, and I turned to look back at him. “It’s clear.” I wasn’t protecting him as much as I was protecting me. I didn’t want a rumor started about me in the restroom with a teacher.

  “If you need me, Tallulah, you can always call.”

  I simply nodded and went to get my things. I was never going to call Mr. Dace. That much I was sure of. I might want to work on getting tougher in order to not fall apart when Nash did hurt me, but I wasn’t going to get Mr. Dace to help me. I was going to keep my distance. This was wrong, and I hadn’t asked for it. I had thought he was a good teacher. I’d completely misunderstood his intentions. I was so naïve.

  Pausing, I glanced back at him. “You know there are about ten other girls easily that would have been a better choice. They’d have wanted your attention.”

  He gave me a sad smile. “I didn’t want to love a student. But we can’t control our heart.”

  You Scared of Chickens?

  CHAPTER 34

  NASH

  Getting lit was probably the worst idea I’d had in a long time. But I was. We were. Lit, that is. And to make it worse, I was in the passenger side of a Porsche with an equally lit driver. Shit. We’d go to fucking jail if we were pulled over. If not jail, then my dad would just murder me with his bare hands. That made me laugh. The image of Dad strangling me to death.

  Why was that so damn funny?

  “Nothing like a blunt to make you feel better.”

  I had to agree, although this was still stupid. I just couldn’t seem to care at the moment. Life wasn’t so bad. The image of Tallulah kissing the fucking coach, however, wasn’t funny. Not even after several drags off that blunt.

  “Can’t believe she did it,” I said in response.

  He held the blunt back out to me. “Jesus, man. Take some more. Let that shit go.”

  I looked at it, thought about it, then shook my head no. I’d had enough already. No amount of weed was going to make me laugh at what I’d seen.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, ignoring the blunt.

  “Fuck if I know” was his response. Then he chuckled and took another pull from it. “You need more. You’re scowling again.”

  He was looking over at me. Not the road and that made me nervous. Maybe I did need more to lighten up. “Watch the fucking road,” I snapped.

  He rolled his eyes. “Never knew a guy who could smoke the good stuff and be so damn uptight still. Where’s your humor? We need to go do something for the vlog. What about we go buy a shit ton of eggs and go egg el douchebag’s house?”

  Although the idea of egging Coach D’s house was tempting, putting it on a vlog would only get us caught. “We’ll have to pay for it. He can file charges when the evidence is on the vlog.”

  Haegan shrugged. “So.”

  So? The guy was either too damn high or crazy. Either way, he was driving this car, and I might need to wear my seat belt. I quickly snapped it on. He saw me and laughed. Loudly.

  “You don’t want a police record. Fine. I got a better idea.” He was still laughing as he said it.

  “What’s your idea?” I asked, not sure I’d be participating.

  “You scared of chickens?”

  “Chickens?” I asked for clarity.

  “Yep. Motherfucking chickens.”

  I shrugged. “No. Who’s scared of chickens?”

  He smirked. “My mom. She’s terrified of them.”

  I wasn’t sure where this idea was going. “And?”

  “And I know where I can get about five chickens. Going to borrow them, take them home. Leave them in the kitchen and pour some oil behind me on the floor. Set up a camera. Mom come’s home, walks into the kitchen, slips and falls on her ass as the chickens go crazy, and she shits herself screaming.” He is laughing so hard now he has his eyes closed.

  “Watch the damn road!” I yelled.

  He sped up and shot me a grin. “You need another smoke. Seriously.”

  I heard the horn then. It was loud, the tires screeching almost sounded like screams. Haegan yelled “FUCK!” and then the clash of the two vehicles slammed so hard my body jerked violently against the seat belt. It took my breath. Pain shot up my right arm, and the dash felt like it was in my lap. I inhaled deeply once I got my breath. The smell of burnt rubber filled the air. I shook my head trying to clear it and felt the pain there, too. Reaching up, I touched something wet and took my hand away to see blood covering my fingers. I was bleeding.

  Then I turned to see if Haegan was bleeding. If he was hurt. “You okay?” I asked.

  He didn’t move. His head was turned the other way, and he seemed limp. “Haegan, man? You good? I think my head’s bleeding.”

  Still no response. Nothing. My stomach dropped. I reached over to touch him, knowing before I did it what I would find. I shook his arm and his head fell forward, but not before I saw his eyes. Open and vacant. No life there.

  “HAEGAN!” I yelled his name, but I knew he couldn’t hear me.

  “NASH!” Someone yelled my name. “IS THAT YOU IN THERE? ARE YOU OKAY?” That voice belonged to my uncle Anthony.

  “Yes, sir, but … but Haegan isn’t,” I called back out to him.

  “STAY STILL. PARAMEDICS ARE ON THEIR WAY! DON’T MOVE. OKAY?”

  “Yes, sir,” I replied. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. I was pinned in. This all seemed unreal to me. Haegan wasn’t really dead. This shit didn’t happen. We weren’t even going that fast. Were we? I tried to turn my head to see out the window, but it was crushed against something. Glass was in m
y lap, and I saw my arm was cut in several places. I hadn’t noticed that before. My head was pounding now. It was harder to keep my eyes open.

  Haegan was limp. His chest wasn’t rising and falling. There was nothing. I’d never seen death before. Saw life go out of eyes like that. It was haunting. He’d just been laughing. Loving his life. His money, cars, fame. He was never sad or depressed. The guy was always smiling or smirking.

  But not now. It was all gone. Did souls exist? Did his just leave his body and take all that with him? Seemed so basic to just have organs that shut down and with that took the life. There had to be more, didn’t there? Something inside that left when the body was no longer usable.

  I heard my uncle calling my name again, but I was weak. Tired. I was also scared that if I closed my eyes, the soul inside me could escape. I didn’t want the vacancy staring out of me when my uncle got to me. This decision to get in a car and smoke weed had been not only stupid but fatal. It had been selfish. I had been selfish. Worried about me. Not about what could happen and who it would affect.

  “NASH!” My uncle called out again. I tried to reply, but my voice was too quiet. I reached over to knock on something, but I didn’t have the energy.

  I was slowly fading out when I felt the car shift. Heard the creaking of metal being moved. Then light came in, and the first face I saw was Uncle Anthony’s just before I gave up and closed my eyes.

  “Stay with us, Nash,” a voice that I didn’t recognize called out to me. I fought against the pull of sleep, but my eyes wouldn’t open. I just nodded my head. Let them know I was there. Awake.

  “Do you know this one?” the same voice asked.

  “It’s the new kid. Haegan Baylor, I believe. He does the Internet video stuff. I’ve heard Ryker talk about him.”

  The other voice sighed. “We need to find his parents. He’s gone.”

  I knew that, but hearing someone else confirm it made it real. This wasn’t a dream. This was life. One that Haegan no longer got to live in. All the things he’d accomplished, and it was gone. Just that easily.

  This Was All a Bad Dream

  CHAPTER 35

  TALLULAH

  Lights flashed everywhere. Ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks blocked the street, while cars were parked lining the street, filling the grocery parking lot and the post office. It seemed most of the town was here. Outside watching. We couldn’t see much. But we all knew.

  That Porsche was the most expensive thing in this town. It belonged to one person. We hadn’t known the passenger had been Nash until Ryker showed up on the scene. His truck had come to a screeching halt, and he’d jumped out running.

  Ryker had been let through the barricade. Then Nash’s father and mother had also shown up together. His mother crying as his father held her close to his side. They were then let through. But that had been it. No one else.

  So we all waited. No one had shown up for Haegan. Did that mean he was okay? Was it Nash who was injured? His family wasn’t leaving. Sirens were still going off, the lights still flashing. But the onlookers were silent. I had been leaving school when I drove up on it. The ambulances were already here then. I hadn’t known who or what had happened.

  It had been after I parked that I saw the Porsche and the old model Lincoln Continental that were smashed together. The Porsche suffering much more damage than the older larger car. I heard others talking. It belonged to Mrs. Wise, the Baptist minister’s wife.

  The time seemed to pass so slowly as I waited. For something. Any news. When my mother’s arm slipped around my waist, I jumped. I hadn’t seen her drive up. “You okay?” she asked me, kissing the side of my head.

  “No. But how I am isn’t what’s important.”

  “Yes, Tallulah, it is.”

  I started to argue when we heard it. The sirens came back to life. An ambulance was moving. The road cleared immediately as everyone watched it speed off toward the nearest hospital. Cops were holding people back.

  The next car that arrived was let inside the secure area. Mom squeezed me tightly. She inhaled quick and loud.

  “What is it?” I asked, feeling my panic on the verge of exploding. I’d been holding it together, but something about the look on her face made me fear that the world as I knew it was about to change forever.

  “It’s okay,” she said, but her face didn’t echo her words. It was fearful, worried, pained.

  “Mom, who was that?” I demanded, pulling away from her.

  She turned her gaze to me. Unshed tears glistened there. “Norton Hill. The coroner.”

  My stomach turned, and I became ill. Stepping over into the grass, I bent at the waist and began to heave. Everything I’d eaten that day came back up. I felt my mom’s hand on my back and heard the sob from her mouth.

  This was all a bad dream. One I wanted to wake up from now. Right this instant. I hated this. My knees felt weak, and I stood up, taking the tissue Mom held out for me and wiping my face.

  “We don’t know who he’s here for,” she said, but it didn’t matter. Did it? Someone was dead. Someone didn’t make it. I wanted to believe that in my heart I would feel the same no matter whose life had been taken in that crash. But I knew the truth. I didn’t want it to be Nash. I tried to breathe and couldn’t.

  “There’s Ryker,” she said, nodding her head as he walked back to his truck. I wanted to run to him. To ask him about Nash. But I was terrified. I took a step in his direction, and he lifted his gaze to meet mine.

  He paused and nodded. “He’s okay. He was the one in the ambulance.”

  Those words. I had stood here almost an hour not knowing. Living in a state of hope and fear. Afraid my nightmare was going to get worse. But he was okay. Nash was okay.

  My knees started to give out then, and my mother was there. I fell into her arms, and a sob broke free as I let out all the emotion I’d been holding in. I sobbed in relief that I hadn’t lost him. That he wasn’t gone. His life was here. I should have cried for whoever didn’t make it. I should have prayed for their family. But in that moment all I could do was cry tears of relief.

  I heard my mother thank him. I couldn’t say anything. She didn’t ask who the coroner was here for. It was a truth that no one wanted to face.

  “They’re taking him to Mercy. It’s twenty minutes further but he’s stable, and they are better equipped if he needs any surgery,” Ryker said.

  He was stable. That made me cry harder.

  “Thank you. Once she’s calm, we will drive that way,” Mom replied.

  “I understand,” he replied.

  “Ryker! Are Nash and Haegan okay?” a female voice called out.

  “Nash is” was his response, then I heard a car door close. His engine started, and I stood there, slowly letting that sink in. He hadn’t said Haegan was okay. Pulling back, I looked at the scene now becoming clearer as the other ambulance left. The lights weren’t on, but it had a body inside.

  “Ohmygod! He didn’t say Haegan was,” the girl screamed hysterically. I ignored her. That dramatic response was meant to draw attention to herself.

  “Do you think he’s … dead?” I asked my mother in a whisper. I hated even saying the words.

  She didn’t look like she wanted to answer that. “I don’t know.”

  “The other ambulance left without their lights on,” I pointed out.

  “We don’t know about Mrs. Wise, either. Or if someone was in her car.”

  I saw a family standing together crying. An older man I recognized as the Baptist church minister held a woman and three young kids close as they all sobbed. He looked sad. Broken. I didn’t need to be told why. The scene was obvious. Heartbreakingly so.

  “I don’t think she lived,” I said, the words heavy in my chest.

  “Me either,” Mom agreed.

  The family had lost someone today. Someone they loved very much. What if I had lost someone? What if that had been my mom’s car?

  “Haegan Baylor is gone! No!” a girl wai
led behind us. Others joined her.

  “Let me drive,” Mom said as she took my arm, and we walked back to her car. “We can come get yours later.”

  I didn’t want to drive right now so I made no argument.

  Blakely was doubled over, sobbing in a group of friends. There had been no word on Haegan yet. But the town seemed to already believe he was gone.

  I remembered the night I met him at the game. He’d been annoying and full of himself. But he was important to a lot of people. He had a family, friends, fans. All of who would mourn him. A void would be left in his family’s life, one that could never be filled.

  Tears filled my eyes again as I climbed into my mother’s car. This time for the loved ones left behind.

  You Have a Crowd Waiting on You Out There

  CHAPTER 36

  NASH

  My mother paced in front of my bed, wringing her hands, and my dad sat in the chair beside the bed they had me lying on, with his elbows resting on his knees and his head hanging down, staring at the floor. I was alive. That had been the most important thing at first. But after, the doctor came in to inform us that I had tested positive for marijuana and they expected the same from Haegan’s evaluation. Mrs. Wise’s husband could press charges. I was eighteen now.

  We were all waiting for the hospital to release me. Dad had called a lawyer. I’d heard him talking to him. I hadn’t been driving, so it sounded like it wouldn’t be as severe as it could have been. They didn’t know what to say to this. I could apologize for my stupidity. But those were words. They did no good. They didn’t change anything.

  Haegan was dead. Mrs. Wise was dead. I had six stitches in my head, a broken arm, and some bruising and cuts. Nothing more. I’d walk out of here today. Life would go on. My parents were upset over the weed and the fact I could be prosecuted as an adult.

  I had just seen my friend die. Looked into his lifeless eyes. Saw a family grieving over a woman they loved, a woman they lost. I deserved whatever happened. I had lived. I wasn’t worried about what they decided to do with me. I had made a mistake that had altered lives.