Losing the Field

by Glines, Abbi

  I looked for him. It wasn’t until I’d thought of every scenario my imagination could come up with through second and third period that I found Brett at his locker on my way to lunch. I didn’t know the guy well. I knew of him. He’d been to a couple field parties. But we weren’t what you considered friends. Merely acquaintances.

  “Hey,” I said, stopping beside his locker before I could talk myself out of it. If I didn’t find out, it was going to drive me fucking nuts.

  He turned, and his body instantly tensed when he saw me. “Nash.”

  He knew my name. That was good. “Yeah. I saw you talking to Tallulah yesterday. Do you know where she is today?”

  He studied me a moment. The uncertainty on his face. For a moment I thought he may tell me to go fuck myself. But finally he nodded. “Yeah. I know.”

  Nothing more. He didn’t elaborate, give me any more information. He was going to make me ask for it. Fine. I’d ask. “Then where is she?” The annoyance in my tone was obvious.

  He lifted a shoulder, then closed his locker door. “If you don’t know, then she must not have wanted you to. Besides, she said y’all were done. You ended it.”

  I had ended it, but she’d kissed the motherfucking teacher. I had never liked tennis. I really didn’t like it at this moment. “I had my reasons. Now, where is she?” I demanded this time, instead of asking.

  He did that stupid quiet-stare thing again. My patience was thinning. “And I guess your reason was the Mr. Dace stuff?” He started to walk away from me then. Just like that, he thought he could just walk off. He acted like my being upset that she was kissing a teacher was stupid. Like I should overlook it.

  “I guess you’d forgive her, then,” I blurted out. “Overlook the fact she was using you? She was having an affair with a teacher the whole time?”

  Brett stopped. He turned back to me. “If you believe what you’re saying, then you do not deserve her. The girl I’ve spent less than ten hours talking to, she’d never do what she’s being accused of.”

  I wanted to tell him that I had seen it. I knew the fucking truth before anyone else. But I didn’t. That would make this harder on her. I wasn’t going to hurt her any more than she was already hurt. She’d brought it on herself, but that didn’t mean I would make it worse.

  He walked off then, and I let him. He wasn’t going to give me answers. He was the one kid in the school who believed her. Did she feel guilty about that? Or was she trying to manipulate him? Even as I thought it, I knew it didn’t fit. Tallulah wasn’t like that. This whole situation didn’t make sense. The girl I knew. The girl Brett thought he knew … she didn’t do this.

  “Homeschool.” Ryker said that one word as he walked up beside me. “She couldn’t take it yesterday. She opted out. She’s homeschooling.”

  My stomach dropped. Tallulah wasn’t here. She was at home. She was going to stay at home. Away from it all. Safe. Because they’d been too hard on her. She’d taken too much. They’d finally given her more than she could take.

  I stood there in the hallway, oblivious to the people walking by and what they were saying. All I could think was I’d never see her again. She’d stay tucked away. Her smile wouldn’t light up the hallway. Her laugh was gone.

  Was that what she deserved? Had her kissing a teacher really been that bad? Why did they hate her so damn much for it? I had a reason, but no one else did. Yet they’d cracked her. Where years of making fat jokes and laughing at her hadn’t sent her home, this had.

  Could there be another explanation? I didn’t see how there could. I’d seen them kiss. Pam had seen them kiss. Dace was fired. What other explanation was there? How was she innocent? I wanted her to be. God, I wanted her to be. But she couldn’t be. Could she? Was there a scenario I was missing?

  “It’s for the best,” Ryker said as his hand rested on my shoulder. “They were never going to let it go. She’d have dealt with it the rest of the year. Pam and her bunch didn’t like Tallulah walking into school looking better than they ever had. She took attention off them. They were jealous. Pam has this ammunition, and she will not let it die. It’s better for Tallulah to homeschool.”

  “She’d never given up before. They’d never pushed her to run. Tallulah doesn’t run.”

  Ryker shrugged. “This was different. She was being accused of sleeping with a teacher, one who is married. Some think she’s lying on him. Some think she seduced him. But both sides blame her.”

  That fucking annoyed me. “He was the adult,” I said angrily.

  Ryker shrugged. “Yeah. But they still blame her.”

  “It’s not fair.” It wasn’t. They were all so damn biased.

  “You wouldn’t see her when she came to the hospital. Her face was streaked with tears, she couldn’t sit down, and she wouldn’t talk to anyone. She kept wringing her hands, and her eyes were red rimmed. Out of the people in the waiting room, no one look as scared as Tallulah. She wasn’t gossiping with the others about what caused the wreck or whispering about how Haegan’s body looked. Or how they had to cut him from the car. She was quiet. Her eyes on the door. Waiting on any word about you. And when I sent her home, all she said was that she loved you. Because of what I saw, I can tell you I don’t think she did shit with Dace. I don’t know why you’re pissed at her, but that girl ain’t got a selfish, mean bone in her body.”

  He was my cousin. He’d never tell a soul. He wouldn’t hurt her with the truth. I waited until the bell rang and the hallway was clear, then I turned to him. “That day. The day of the accident. I saw them. Tallulah and Dace. Haegan was with me. It’s why I smoked the fucking weed. I was hurting. Heartbroken. She kissed him then.”

  Ryker listened. He didn’t respond right away. I knew he was thinking it over. Just like I knew he’d never share this with anyone. Finally he looked at me. “I didn’t see what you did. I wasn’t there. But I’m gonna ask you one thing. Are you sure you saw it all? Did you stay and watch what happened after? Did she appear to be enjoying it? Did she want it?”

  I opened my mouth to say yes and stopped. Because I didn’t know. I hadn’t seen anything after the kiss. I’d been fucking destroyed. I’d left.

  “I don’t … I left… .”

  Ryker raised both eyebrows. “Then just maybe you should find out what happened next. That is, if you’re still thinking about her. If the idea of her being run out of school bothers you. If not, then let it go. Move on. There are a lot of Blakelys out there to choose from.”

  He didn’t stand there and wait for my answer. He left. He didn’t need my response.

  He expected me to make the right decision. For the first time since I’d seen the kiss, I began to doubt it. With that came a sickening feeling in my gut.

  The Best Is Yet to Come for You, Sweetheart

  CHAPTER 47

  TALLULAH

  It was Wednesday when Brett texted me the first time. I’d been in my house since I got home Monday. Figuring out the virtual school process. It had kept me busy, and I had only thought about it all when I lay down at night. When my room was quiet and I was alone. I cried then. Quietly, so my mother wouldn’t hear. I didn’t want her worrying any more than she already did.

  She wanted a normal high school experience for me. I wasn’t going to have that. After my brief dip into it, I decided I didn’t want it. Graduation and college were my future. They’d be different. I’d go somewhere far away from this place.

  Brett’s text said, Dinner Friday night and a movie?

  I read it three times before thinking it over. This was a date. I’d tried that already. It hadn’t ended well. I didn’t want to get hurt again. But then what were the chances of that? Brett was nice, but he wasn’t Nash. I didn’t feel giddy when he was near me. He didn’t make my heart race, and I had no thoughts of him unless I was speaking to him.

  It wasn’t possible to get hurt by him. He didn’t have a piece of me. I didn’t respond, though. I was too busy holding the phone, thinking it through.

&n
bsp; Then he sent another text as I stared down at it.

  They made an announcement today. Haswell said that Dace admitted to making advances to you. That you did nothing wrong and were taken advantage of. Those talking about you and accusing you will stop. If it is brought to his attention, the student doing so will be suspended. He went on to talk about the no bullying code. Once he was done, all the talk was about how they didn’t think you were like that anyway.

  I read the text several times.

  I even wondered if I had read it incorrectly. Or if this was a dream.

  Another text lit up my screen. It was Nash.

  Are you home? We need to talk.

  That text was like a jab directly in my chest. Nash was texting me. He’d heard the announcement and was now wanting to talk. He’d hurt me. Pushed me away for no reason. Then, when I needed him the most, he abandoned me. Left me alone to face it all by myself.

  I replied to Nash’s text:

  No thanks.

  Then I turned my phone off. I didn’t want to read any more. I wasn’t ready to date Brett, either. That one text from Nash had ripped me open again. Made me bleed. I curled into a ball and focused on long, deep breaths. That lasted all of five seconds, and then the tears came.

  Crying didn’t make it go away. It didn’t fix the past, but it was all I could do.

  A knock on my bedroom door right before my mother opened it wasn’t enough of a warning to dry my tears and clean up my face. Instead, she found me there, falling apart. I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t want her to know how much I was hurting. But she’d caught me. I turned over to look at her, and the tears came harder. My body shook with each sob, and I couldn’t make it stop if I’d wanted to.

  My mother’s arms were around me immediately as she lay down beside me on the bed. She didn’t ask me why I was crying or try to make me stop. She just held me tightly in her arms while I got it all out. The pain I’d been hiding. I had wanted to fit in and be a part of something. To have friends. To have Nash. But now all that seemed stupid to me. It hadn’t brought me anything but heartache. I had been fine the way I was before.

  I’m not sure how long I cried or how long we lay there after the sobs slowed to small sniffles. But when I finally calmed down, it did feel better. My chest was lighter. The pain wasn’t gone, but crying had released something. I don’t know—maybe I’d been trying to be tough for so long I just needed to be weak for once. Let it go. Not put so much pressure on myself.

  My mom kissed my forehead. “This has been awful, but it will soon pass. I promise it isn’t forever. High school isn’t the end. It’s just a stepping stone. You’ve learned a lot about life these past few years. College will be easier on you because you didn’t live a fantasy in high school. The best is yet to come for you, sweetheart.”

  I know she believed everything she said. I wanted to believe her, but I was scared to believe in anything now. It was my senior year, and I was finishing it with homeschool. I would get to graduate like the others, but they’d all go to parties and on trips together. They’d have memories to share, and they’d make promises to be friends forever. All the stuff I’d read in books and seen in movies. But me, no one would have a memory with me. I wouldn’t have a party or be invited to one. I’d simply walk, get my diploma, and this would be over.

  “I got a call from Officer Mike. He wants to know if we want to press charges. He said that Mr. Dace confessed to it all. Which we already knew. I don’t want to make this decision for you. I want it to be yours. I will stand behind whatever you want to do.”

  I didn’t much care about what happened to Mr. Dace. But I did care about his daughter. She’d lost a father in this. Her family would be broken now. Her father would be labeled something she wouldn’t understand. She was just a baby. It seemed so unfair.

  “No. It’s over. Let it go.”

  Mom nodded. “I figured you’d say that. But I am going to file a restraining order for your protection. If his wife thinks he could try to come see you, then I think it is wise.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t think I’d see Mr. Dace again. But if it made her feel better, then that was okay with me. “Do you think his daughter will be okay? I mean, she had a dad, and now she’s losing him. I think it would be easier to have never had one at all.”

  My mom squeezed me tightly. “I don’t think she had a very good father. He wasn’t thinking about her when he made the decisions he did. In her case it is better to have him out of her life now rather than later. He needs help.”

  I hoped she was right.

  “Are they going to leave town? Charlotte and her daughter?”

  “I don’t know. She didn’t say,” Mom replied.

  “I think starting a new life away from the memories of her father would be easier.”

  Mom nodded. “You’re probably right.”

  We lay there silently, both staring at the ceiling for several minutes. My thoughts were on Mr. Dace’s little girl and wife. Where they would go and how their life would be now. I realized that, yes, my world had been changed with his choices, but theirs had been destroyed. They’d have to build again. It was like Momma always told me. Somewhere someone else is having a worse day than you. Be thankful for what you have. I had a mother who loved me. A home with oddly painted ceilings, that always smelled like a bakery. I was healthy. I would go to college next year. My life wasn’t so bad. I would be okay.

  I Didn’t Want Her to Be My Past

  CHAPTER 48

  NASH

  Tonight would be my first night on the field coaching. I’d been to every practice this week. I’d worked out with the team. This all should have made me feel good. Hell, I should have been excited. Ready for this.

  But there was Tallulah. And I couldn’t think about anything else. She wasn’t responding to my texts. After her first “no thanks” she’d been silent. I checked my phone again, hoping my last text I had finally sent this morning would get a response. So far nothing.

  Telling her in a text message that I’d seen her kiss Dace the day of the accident wasn’t what I wanted to do, but when I called her phone, it went directly to voice mail. She wasn’t talking to me. She’d cut herself off completely. Brett had been talking to Hannah in the hallway earlier this morning, which made me think she’d stopped talking to him, too.

  I didn’t want to think of Tallulah alone, closed off from life. She had so much to give. She was fun and kind. She was smart, and she wanted to be social. She’d finally had her chance to get that this year, and so quickly it had been shut down. But that fucking kiss. I needed to hear her explanation of it. No matter what Dace had confessed to, I saw her kiss him. I was there. That didn’t change.

  “You good?” Asa asked, stopping beside my locker.

  “Yeah, why?” I replied, taking out my notebook and closing the door.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Because you were standing here staring blankly into your locker like you were a million miles away?”

  “I was just thinking.”

  He laughed “Yeah, I gathered that much.”

  Glancing at the hallway full of people hurrying to their classes, I suddenly felt more out of place than ever. No amount of football made that better. It wasn’t making me happy. One thing had made me happy since my accident. Tallulah. Since that fucking kiss I’d been miserable. I didn’t want to feel this way. I was tired of it … and I missed her. I missed her so damn much.

  She didn’t want to talk to me. She didn’t care about explaining the kiss I saw. She was shutting me out. Done. Which scared me because I couldn’t let her go.

  “I love her,” I said the words aloud. Admitted them to myself and Asa. I had to tell someone. Come clean. Stop pretending she had hurt me and I was done. Because no matter how badly she’d broken me, I still loved her.

  “No shit,” Asa replied, amused.

  I turned my head to look at him. “What?”

  He shrugged. “You said you loved her. I said no shit. That’s been ob
vious since the beginning. It’s why I backed off. I liked her. She’s smoking hot. But I didn’t feel the way you obviously did. There was a look in your eyes that said it was more to you. She was more to you.”

  “Really?” I asked, amazed that Asa had noticed all this and it had taken me this long to admit it to myself.

  “Yeah, man. Really. My question is why did you turn on her?”

  “Because I thought she’d lied to me.”

  Asa nodded. “Had she?”

  I didn’t know. Not really. “I’m not sure.”

  Asa frowned. “You’re not sure?” His tone sounded like I was an idiot.

  “Yeah, I’m not sure.”

  With a shake of his head he nodded toward the door. “Then you should go find out. You’re miserable. She left school. Why are you just letting it continue to fall apart? Soon you’ll be past the point of no return, and she will be your past.”

  I didn’t want her to be my past. That wasn’t even acceptable. We had just begun. Dace had screwed with it. But I missed her. The nightmares that still haunted me at night. Haegan’s lifeless face there in my dreams. I had no one to talk to about them. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else. Just her. She’d listen. She’d be there. She was who I wanted.

  “I gotta go,” I told him, and headed for the exit.

  “That’s my boy!” he called out just before I shoved the door open and broke into a run—or the best I could do with my limp. The anxiety began to mount as the fear that I’d waited too long built. She might not be able to forgive me. The kiss I’d seen now seemed pointless compared to never seeing Tallulah again. Never sitting with her and watching her smile. Never holding her against me. Never feeling her hand firmly in mine.

  Her parking spot remained empty, and I hated seeing that. I hadn’t realized how I depended on seeing her car there every day until it was gone. I drove faster than I had in a while. I didn’t speed because I wanted to make it there alive. That fear was never going to go away.