by Liliana Hart
I stayed silent and just listened. He needed to get it all out.
“We cared about each other deeply, but he was afraid of what would happen if anyone found out. He wasn’t ashamed of what he was, but he was always aware of his position and the possible fallout. The church has come a long way in recent years, but he was still worried he’d lose his position. That those who needed him wouldn’t come to him because of what he was. It broke my heart to see him torn in two directions like that, but I didn’t blame him for making the decision he did. I loved him.”
Vaughn finally met my eyes. “I never told him that. It would have made it harder on both of us. I loved him, so when he said he was choosing the church over me I tried to understand. Tried to let it go.” He laughed to himself a little. “Ended up getting roaring drunk for the first time since we graduated high school. You remember that night?”
I smiled and said, “I remember you threw up in my car after two rum and cokes.”
“I never did get the hang of drinking.”
“It takes practice, I’m told.”
We stood there in silence for a few minutes. Him reflecting on a time of his life I hadn’t been a part of, while I tried to come to grips with what this news meant. It was suddenly crystal clear why Reverend Oglesby had been the victim of a hate crime. Things had improved in this part of the world over the last few years. Tolerance was slow but evolving. But like Jack said, we were still south of the Mason Dixon lines, and change was a little harder to swallow here and a lot slower to take place. I had a tendency to agree with the deceased. No matter how accepting the church was, a homosexual priest wouldn’t have fared well in this part of the country if he’d been made public. But it was obvious at least someone knew his secret.
“You’re going to have to talk to Jack,” I said. “He needs to know everything you can tell him.”
“I figured as much,” he said with a half smile. “That’s why I’m here. I didn’t think he’d stay away from you for long.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t need a damned babysitter. I’m perfectly fine on my own. I managed to function for thirty years by myself without anyone hovering over me.”
“Oh, well, okay then. I don’t know why I’ve been so worried these last months. You’re skin and bones and I could sleep in the bags under your eyes.”
“I’m kind of getting tired of people telling me that.”
“I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt for you to get a good night’s sleep or eat a cheeseburger for God’s sake. And stop fighting Jack. You know you’ll feel better with him close by for a little while. The boy’s got it bad.” Vaughn arched an eyebrow and my mouth dropped open.
“You’ve lost your mind,” I said, nervous all of a sudden. I’d been doing pretty well putting off the feelings that had begun to stir between us before my accident. I was a champion at ignoring things I didn’t want to see or feel. I had plenty of practice from a lifetime of self-preservation growing up in the Graves household.
“Give the guy a break. It’s painful for the rest of us to watch. He was a bear to be around the whole time you were gone. You wouldn’t even recognize your house.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You haven’t been home yet?”
“Nothing good ever happened in that house that I can remember. And I don’t see any reason to keep it unless I want to use the little cove by the water to smuggle in stolen goods and drugs like my parents did. Though I’m pretty sure the FBI is still monitoring the area, so it probably wouldn’t be smart on my part to start the family business back up again.”
“You should at least see it before you decide what to do with it. He needed something to keep himself busy while you were gone, and it’s been a slow winter. You got a new roof and all the rotted wood was replaced. He hired a crew to repaint the outside and clear away some of the dead brush. Your central heat and air should be in good shape, and he had the floors refinished and the walls painted on the inside.”
To cover the blood stains. We both knew the reason why that project was necessary.
“He’s been working on your kitchen lately. And he’s pretty damned territorial over the thing if you ask me. Something about pressed tin ceilings and industrial grade appliances.”
I felt my temper start to rise at the news. I’d all but had the thing sold and out of my hair. I’d been okay with never setting eyes on it again—not even to get my belongings from the inside.
“If the house is so great why didn’t Jack mention it when I told him I was going to sell it earlier?” I steamed.
“I don’t know,” Vaughn shrugged. “Maybe it has something to do with being stupid in love with you.”
“That’s ridiculous. Especially since Jack has loved a majority of the women in the state of Virginia.”
“Are you really that blind? Never mind—” he said, raising his hands in surrender. “I can see that you are when it comes to him. Let me impart some wisdom on you, my friend. When a man is friends, especially best friends, with a woman, it’s because he has an ulterior motive. I don’t care what they say.”
“Jack isn’t my only guy friend. How do you explain that?”
Vaughn propped his elbows on the table and held up one finger. “Easy. Take the four of us and analyze, young Jedi. Dickie is in love with himself, and he’s a snob, so he isn’t going to be thinking of the male/female dynamic when choosing his friends. Not to mention, he’s kind of a pain in the ass at times so he’s lucky we all put up with him.” He held up a second finger. “My reason is obvious. If you were a dude, those two dates we had in high school wouldn’t have been quite so awkward.”
“Maybe for you,” I said.
“Yes, well.” He held up a third finger. “Eddie was the wild card. He’s the quiet one, but he’s a nurturer by nature. He might have held a torch for you when we were younger, but he’s a smart guy and knew you and Jack had something special, so he went and found a perfectly nice wife who he’d never stray from.”
“This is ridiculous.” I felt the heat in my cheeks and was sure my face was red with embarrassment.
“Now let’s take Jack,” he said. “Jack’s got something special. We’ve all seen it. And I’ve wished more than once he was my type instead of yours, but that would just make things awkward because he’s definitely batting for your team. He hasn’t been nearly as outgoing as he’d like you to believe. I’m not saying the man’s been a monk all these years, but his reputation has been overblown a little. He was just waiting for you to come around and notice the spark. Me and Dickey and Eddie have had a bet going for years. Do me a favor and hold out a couple of months longer. I could use the extra money. Though maybe I should tell Dickie to fork over the cash now before he has to give it to Candy in the divorce.” Vaughn shrugged and looked at me apologetically. “Dickie’s the cynical one. He thinks you’ll turn Jack down because you’re a scaredy cat. His words, not mine.”
“Wh—what?” I asked, completely dazed. I felt like a truck had just run me over and left me flattened in the middle of the street. “Maybe I really am dead,” I said. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Good grief, Jaye. You know the man loves you. It’s no secret anymore. Not since before you left. We could all see the change between you.”
“Of course I know he loves me. All of you love me. What’s not to love? And I love you guys back, even though you’re a pain in the ass.”
I had the sudden urge to be doing anything else but having this particular conversation. I jerked open the refrigerator and stared into the empty space. There wasn’t even a bottle of ketchup inside. I slammed it closed and stood with my back to Vaughn.
“J.J.,” he said with a sigh. “You’re running scared. Let me tell you from experience that love should never be ignored or neglected. It’s too rare and precious.” His voice choked up and I lay my head against the refrigerator door at the emotion in his voice. It was hard to listen to.
“You know what I ca
me from,” I said. “How the hell do I know what love really is? And why would I subject anyone to what happens after? Why am I alive, Vaughn? Everyone in my family is dead. Do you realize that in the past six generations of my family, not one of my relatives has lived past the age of fifty? That honor belonged to my parents. Everyone before them died much younger. Not to mention I have a gene pool that would make Satan run away screaming.”
I focused on the breathing as I felt the clawing blackness of shame, bitterness and debilitating fear creep around inside of me. It would rip me open and devour me whole if I let it, but I’d gotten better at controlling those emotions and pushing them back. I couldn’t lose control yet. I’d end up on huddled on the floor like all the times before.
“I should’ve died,” I said, my voice steady for once. “I know that just as sure as I know I’m standing here. And I accepted it when Jeremy Mooney’s hands were wrapped around my throat. You know what I was thinking the whole time I was dying, Vaughn? Do you?”
Vaughn had gotten very quiet, and I turned around to face him.
“I thought, Thank God. Someone besides me has finally decided that nothing good has ever come from my family. I didn’t particularly want to die, but I understood there was a certain price to be paid for everyone who’d come before me.”
“Bullshit, Jaye.”
I stopped in my tracks because Vaughn never cursed. He never got angry. Except tonight apparently.
“Yes, you’ve got a hell of a gene pool. Your parents were felons. Your grandparents were assholes. And no one with the last name of Graves, as far as I know, understood the meaning of compassion or how to love and protect the people closest to them. They were the bad seeds. Not you. You got all the good that they should’ve had.”
“I can’t talk about this now,” I said, wiping at my eyes. God, I hated crying. I never cried. It was a useless reaction to things that were out of my control.
“And that’s okay. Just know that any of us will be here if you need us. And we’ll listen. I’m going to give you one piece of advice,” he said. There was no sign of the teasing man I’d known most of my life. Only a face filled with sorrow and honesty. “If I had to do it all over again I would have fought harder for Daniel. I wouldn’t have let him walk away without letting him know how I really felt. My pride got hung up in it. He might have made a different decision if I’d told him. We might have come to a compromise, or he might have still walked away. But I’ll never know because I let him walk without fighting for him. And now he’s dead. He might still be alive if I hadn’t been such a coward.”
My own problems disappeared and guilt bombarded me as I remembered that I should’ve been comforting him instead of the other way around. His lover had just died and I was standing here feeling sorry for myself. Then I realized what he was saying. It was easy to feel guilt when you survived. I knew that well enough.
I marched over to him and got in his face, deciding anger was a better emotion that the others that wanted to take control.
“Or you could be just as dead as he is. Don’t you blame yourself for this. You had nothing to do with what those monsters did to him. And I’m scared for you. It could’ve been you I stumbled across this morning.”
The corner of his mouth quirked up slightly. “Everybody knows who and what I am, Jaye. They’ve known for years, and they still patronize my business, and kids are still allowed to trick-or-treat at my house. I’m eccentric and my family is rooted here. You’ve got no reason to be scared for me.”
I raked my hand through my hair at his stubbornness. “You can’t know that for sure. They could be biding their time. Promise me you’ll be careful.”
The door buzzer sounded again just before I heard the key turn in the lock. I took a step toward the drawer where I’d stashed my gun before I remembered Jack had keys to everything. Vaughn squeezed my shoulder gently and moved back to his seat when I tensed under his grip.
Now that Jack was here, I pretty much wanted to be anywhere else. Vaughn’s words rang in my ears, and suddenly it was easy to see things I’d been missing all these years. I needed to focus on the dead. Not the living. The dead were much easier to deal with.
Chapter Nine
“Hey, man,” Jack said, slapping Vaughn on the shoulder before setting the various plastic bags he had down on the counter. “I guess you heard about the S’mores. It’s damned hard to keep a secret in this town.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Vaughn said.
Jack plunked a six-pack of beer on the table in front of us and then systematically put away all the groceries he’d picked up on the way, more at home in a kitchen than I could ever hope to be.
“You both look like you could use one of these. Jaye has her guilty face on. I must have missed a hell of a conversation.”
Vaughn laughed and I felt my hackles rise. “I don’t have a guilty face,” I protested.
“Sweetheart, you’re the worst liar I’ve ever met,” Jack said. “It’s why you owe me eleven-thousand dollars in lost poker money.”
“I can’t possible owe you that much.”
“And seventy-seven cents,” he said with a wink.
I felt the blush heat my face and cursed Vaughn for his need to make me see things clearly.
Vaughn only laughed harder and reached for the beer. “I could use one of these.” He twisted off the top and then went to get a pilsner glass from the cabinet. Jack and I would just drink out of the bottle like heathens.
“Did you eat?” Jack asked me, pulling out sandwich fixings from the bag he’d brought in and making himself at home. I was contemplating whether or not I should lie when he said, “I’ll take your silence as a no.”
“I’ve been a little busy.” I knew I sounded like a petulant child, and I kicked lightly at the island before taking a sip of beer. “Why are you always trying to feed me? I’m not hungry. And if either one of you mentions again how my clothes don’t fit right I’m going to knock you in the teeth.”
Vaughn studied his fingernails and Jack hmmed and went about the business of finishing the sandwiches. By the time he set the plates down in front of us and added an open bag of chips, my mouth was watering. So maybe I was a little hungry after all. Jack took his place at the empty barstool and we all dug in.
I could feel the unease coming from Vaughn over what he had to do. The grief of Daniel Oglesby’s death was still raw and new, and I knew if I could feel the tension then Jack could too.
Jack crumpled up his napkin and tossed it onto his empty plate. “So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked, looking at Vaughn.
Vaughn let out a deep breath and then told him without stopping about his relationship with Daniel, almost robotic in tone. Sometimes that was the easiest way. Just to get it out as precisely as possible while blocking off your emotions. Once the dam broke, it was sometimes hard to plug up again.
Jack laid his hand on Vaughn’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know the two of you were close.”
“We kept it quiet,” Vaughn said. “We had to.”
“Oglesby did a good job of staying out of the public eye all together,” Jack said. “I’d only seen him around town a couple of times myself. And I make it a point to try and know most everyone in Bloody Mary at least well enough to say hello in passing.”
Vaughn laughed a little and grabbed another beer. “I guess that says something about your church-going habits, considering the man had been there every Sunday for the past four months.”
“I go about as often as you. I’ve been busy.”
“That’s the excuse I like to use too,” Vaughn said. They both turned to look at me.
“I don’t need an excuse,” I said, grabbing a second beer for myself. “I just don’t like to go because I can nap at home without having to put on a dress.”
“Daniel actually felt the same way about the church, believe it or not,” Vaughn said. “He wanted to make some changes that would bring in the younger
crowds. I guess attendance is down and so is the money from the offerings, considering most of the congregation lives on Social Security. But Reverend Thomas stonewalled him every time he had a new idea. And Lorna never liked him anyway, so she wasn’t exactly an ally.”
“Why didn’t Lorna like him?” Jack asked.
A flush of red heated Vaughn’s cheeks and he picked at the paper label on the bottle. “I think she knew. About Daniel, I mean. About us. He and I went to dinner one night in Richmond. We were feeling comfortable together. It was a good night,” he said reminiscently. “Daniel didn’t see her as we left the restaurant, but I did. And I could tell by the look in her eyes that she knew we were together. I mean, like a couple.”
Jack and I shared a look. That would certainly explain why Lorna had been so nervous when we’d been questioning her and the Reverend that morning.
“The Reverend and Lorna never made Daniel feel like he belonged here. They saw a young guy with new ideas and a radical way of thinking and decided to ignore him before he’d been here a month. So Daniel took as many of the hospital and home visits as he could so he wouldn’t have to work inside the church office with the two of them. He spent a lot of time over at the youth center in King George too. Those kids really loved him.”
“Did anyone else besides Lorna know that Daniel was gay?” Jack asked.
Vaughn blew out a breath and his brow furrowed in concentration. “I’d say no, but if Lorna knew then everyone could know. Daniel was very careful to keep his private life private. I never stayed at his house overnight. We never met for dinner around here. And he wasn’t seeing anyone else before or after me.”
“When was the last time you saw him?” Jack asked.
Vaughn sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Saturday night. He stopped by here on his way home and we talked for a while.”
“Did he seem okay to you? Was anything bothering him?”
“Ha,” Vaughn said tiredly. “You mean other than what to do about me? He was a little flustered, I guess. He said a car had almost hit him while he was out running early that morning. He sometimes had a hard time seeing if he wasn’t wearing his glasses.”
