by Stan Mason
I walked for a while straight across the desert suddenly coming to a large mountain range. It was then that I heard a voice that was familiar to me calling from the distance. I looked upwards to discover it was the spirit of the Cosmic Joker. He was leaning jauntily against a ridge of rock, staring down at me with a great smile on his face.
‘We meet again, my friend,’ he greeted jovially. His face beamed with a broad grin before he leapt down from on high to land on the ground in front of me as light as a feather. ‘So,’ he went on, ‘you managed to unlock the key to Heaven, Hell and Purgatory by telling the angelic hierarchy what you knew. Well done! I think you’re the first spirit ever to crack it and come through the tunnel. It’s never been done before.’
‘Where am I?’ I asked, puzzled for a moment. ‘Is this still Heaven or what?’
‘I’m positive that you aren’t in Heaven,’ he retorted laughingly. ‘You’ve come through to the Dark Side but don’t be too concerned. It’s not half as bad as you think.’
‘Will I come face to face with Satan?’ I demanded, wondering whether it was a good thing to do so or not.
‘I don’t think so,’ he replied with an element of certainty in his voice. ‘But you will meet the Committee.’
Once again it appeared that neither God nor Satan actually existed and I was determined to find proof one way or another.
‘How different is it here from the other realm?’ At that moment my spirit returned to its natural form of fuzziness again.
‘Well firstly,’ related the Cosmic Joker candidly, ‘there are no rules. They operate on a laissez-faire attitude here. In other words the spirits can do anything they like.’
‘That sounds wonderful,’ I uttered with a great deal of relief.
‘But remember,’ he continued sombrely, ‘the Dark Side harbours every kind of criminal rejected by Heaven.’
‘And what about the Soul Gatherer?’ I questioned, for that spirit was the one I feared mostly.
‘He doesn’t attend to the Dark Side,’ came the reply. ‘He’s employed by Heaven. There’s no means of entry for him here. In effect, he’s barred from coming into this realm.’
‘But when we were in that cabin in the Desert of Ice together, you said you’d communicated with him to tell him of my presence there.’
He burst out laughing at my comment. ‘I’m the Cosmic Joker. I was only fooling you. You ought to have seen your face when you rushed out of that front door in terror. I enjoyed every moment of it.’
‘Does my appearance here mean that I’ve been accepted to the Dark Side,’ I returned innocuously.
‘Not at all,’ he informed me casually. ‘You’ll have to put your case to the Committee. There will be ten judges and you’ll need to convince every one of them.’
‘What am I supposed to say,’ I countered anxiously. ‘I only committed one crime on Earth and that was pretty passive compared with those of other criminals. I wouldn’t know what to tell them.’
‘It’s the other way around,’ he went on. ‘They’ll tell you what they want to know, but from what I know you don’t stand a chance.’
His remark caused me to review my position with an element of despair. I wasn’t fit enough to be allowed into Heaven while the same situation seemed to haunt me in Hell. Would I have to travel back through that long dark tunnel or be instantly transported to Purgatory... perhaps to find myself back in that awful prison again? The thought brought back the memory of my fellow spirit with no name who had been incarcerated there with me. For some strange reason I felt that I owed him something for his companionship.
‘May I ask you a favour to start with?’ I enquired meekly, knowing that I had no right to do so.
‘What’s that?’ replied the Cosmic Joker answering my question with another question.
‘There’s a man in prison in Purgatory who would do well to be accepted into this realm. He was a member of a vicious gang in New York on Earth who committed numerous crimes and killed a number of people. Can he be brought into this realm instead of languishing pointlessly in jail?’
The Cosmic Joker considered my request for a few moments. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ he commented. Then he closed his eyes and, contrary to his usually fixed smile, a serious expression crossed his face. Suddenly, a few moments later, my fellow spirit with no name appeared by my side.
‘They agreed to release him on account of his past crimes,’ the Cosmic Joker informed me. ‘His punishment has been terminated on his transport here.’
‘What the hell’s goin’ on,’ muttered no name, staring about him wildly as he tried to familiarise himself with his new surroundings. As his eyes focussed on me his teeth shone brightly as his face broke into a broad grin. ‘Hey! It’s you again... mah ol’ friend! Say did you get me free?’
I nodded slowly ‘Yes, I did... with the help of this spirit,’ I told him, pointing to the Cosmic Joker.
‘Ah owe you, man,’ he expressed gratefully. ‘Where is this place anyway?
‘You’re in the realm of the Dark Side,’ stated the Cosmic Joker.
‘In other words,’ I intervened, ‘you’re in Hell.’
No name seemed quite satisfied with both answers and I could only presume that anywhere away from that awful jail was more than satisfactory.
‘But there’s no woman here to plague you with scorn,’ commented the Cosmic Joker with amusement.
‘Excuse me?’ challenged my fellow spirit with a puzzled expression on his face.
‘He’s referring you to the phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn”,’ I explained briefly. ‘It’s a phrase in common use on Earth.’
My fellow spirit shook his head and then burst into laughter. ‘Man, you really know your stuff! Ah wouldn’t know what he was talkin’ about.’ He paused for a moment to think about the future. ‘Say, where do we go from here?’
‘Well for me,’ I responded, ‘I have to face a Committee to see whether I’m fit enough to enter the Dark Side. For you, there’s an automatic entry.’
‘Automatic entry,’ he repeated, mouthing words which would never have come to his mind or his lips.
‘Let’s not waste any more time,’ said the Cosmic Joker starting to walk on ahead. ‘I’ll lead you to the city. I’ll even introduce you to a member of the Committee by the name of Kovak. He’ll take care of you from then onwards.’
He led us directly into the mountain range and our bodies passed through it as though it was simply mist. On the other side lay a large city. It was totally unlike the magnificent citadel I had seen in Heaven. Here the buildings were clustered together in regulated rows, made out of a dull dark dismal material. There was an absence of any great architecture or design and it was obvious that no colours or embellishments had ever been considered. The result was a drab dull city stretched out before me.
We came to the spirit who was introduced to us as Kovak and he led us through the main road that ran through the centre of the city.
‘Every place built here is exactly the same as every other one,’ he told us frankly. ‘Once you’ve seen one of them you’ve seen them all.’
‘Explain to me what happens in this place,’ I ventured, eager to learn more about the way things were done in Hell.
He shrugged his shoulders aimlessly. ‘There’s not a lot to tell you,’ he responded casually. ‘We operate on the basis of laissez-faire. People can do anything they want. We don’t have any need for money, or food, or alcohol, or drugs, or any material goods, so there’s no crime here. At the same time there’s no rape, no burglary, no theft, no alcoholism, no drug abuse... nothing. You see, we have no weapons of destruction, no bombs, no guns, or knives which means that each spirit is criminally impotent.’
‘I understand that all the people here undertook serious crimes of one nature or another on Earth,
some of them using extreme violence,’ I went on. ‘How do they cope with them here?’
‘Very well,’ he replied easily. ‘They’ve learned new skills which have led them to join writing groups, choirs in which they sing, they put on theatrical plays, spend their time doing gymnastics, drawing and painting in art school, and so on. On Earth they were feared and terrorised people. Here they’re quite different... pretty much like normal spirits.’
‘And does Satan control everything?’ I asked, holding my breath for the answer.
‘No... we run everything by means of a Committee of ten elected spirits but there’s precious little to do because each activity is headed by a leader who arranges the agenda for them. We don’t suffer the problems on the other side where they have to conform to a multitude of stupid rules.’
To my mind it was far more advantageous to end up in Hell than in Heaven. At least everyone knew exactly where they stood. Crime was irrelevant and each spirit was able to enjoy a future of leisure and pleasure according to the way they intended it to be.
‘How about punishment?’ I enquired softly.
‘Punishment?’ gasped Kovak with surprise. ‘Why does anyone need to be punished?’
Silence prevailed for a short while and then I proceeded to seek assistance for my own case. ‘The Cosmic Joker doesn’t think you’ll think me fit to enter into this realm,’ I told him, hoping for a different response.
‘I’ve looked into your case and I can tell you that you don’t stand a chance,’ he rattled curtly. ‘You may think that we only take in the hardened criminals who have committed misdeeds on Earth. Well it’s true. We’re supposed to be the Dark Side where evil prevails. Of course when people die and their spirits arrive here, they settle down to a leisurely life where nothing can be stolen and no one can be beaten, raped, wounded or killed. However, you haven’t done anything seriously wrong. In any case, you’re far too clever and resilient to be of any use here. I can’t understand why they haven’t accepted you into the other realm.’
He took me inside one of the buildings to a large room. There had to be thousands of spirits there sitting at desks writing furiously.
‘That’s the tutor,’ Kovak informed me, pointing to the man on a dais far down one side of the room in front of a large blackboard.
We walked towards him and waited until he turned to face us.
‘What’s the subject matter you’re writing about today?’ asked Kovak inquisitively.
‘It’s the esoteric essence of the spirit,’ replied the tutor. ‘They’re bound to write at least three scrolls on the subject and I can tell you we’ll get some superb answers.’
‘Man,’ exclaimed my fellow spirit with no name, ‘get me outta here. ‘Esoteric what? No... I’m definitely in the wrong place.’
I laughed as he moved towards the door in order to escape. He was a reasonably intelligent spirit but there were strong limitations to his knowledge and his learning capability.
I advanced to one of the spirits, staring at the writing on the scroll in front of him which I started to read.
‘The spirit is totally one of essence after a person has passed away on Earth,’ he had written. ‘However its power is quite substantial in that it is an everlasting entity with no need to feed or be empowered by energy other than that with which it is endowed.’
‘Hey, this is very good,’ I commended readily. ‘What did you do when you were alive on Earth.’
‘Me?’ responded the man staring up into my face. ‘I was with a gang in the East End of London. We dealt in drugs, protection and blackmail. When things got bad we used shooters and I reckon I killed about fourteen people in all... mostly those from other gangs. I did rob two back and held up a few big stores. That’s how I ended up in here.’
I nodded my appreciation for the honesty of his answer. He had led a life of crime and violence yet he was still enjoying his after-life far better than me. It was all so unfair!
The tutor started to write a few key notes on the subject matter on the blackboard but everyone was far too busy setting down their arguments on the scrolls. It was enlightening to see hardened criminals employed in such artistic activities.
Kovak smiled at me and we left the room, joining my fellow spirit no name outside. ‘Do you want to see the choir or go to the gymnastics class?’ he asked casually.
‘I think I’d like to go to the gymnastics,’ I answered, wondering what spirits did in a gym.
Kovak proceeded to take my fellow spirit no name and myself to another building nearby. We went inside to a great hall which was bereft of any kind of sports equipment although thousands of spirits were involved in one form of exercise or another. Some were doing press-ups, some were running around the perimeter of the great hall, others swung their arms and legs forwards and sideways to loosen up, while others simply ran on the spot. I stopped by one of the spirits waving his arms around wildly.
‘What did you do when you were still alive on Earth?’ I asked him bluntly.
‘Not much,’ he replied wit a broad American accent. ‘I spent twenty-two years in jail fighting a death sentence,’ he told me. ‘You see, I strangled six women before I got caught. In the end they electrocuted me.’
I nodded understanding the reason why he had been taken directly into Hell but now he was a subdued spirit willing to enter into sporting activities. It was quite clear that his urge to murder women had been eternally extinguished.
‘Why are they trying so hard to keep fit?’ I asked Kovak noticing that each spirit had a solid form.
‘They’re training for the competitive games,’ related the Committee member.
‘Really?’ I echoed. ‘Like the Olympic Games on Earth?’
‘It’s something similar,’ he responded without providing further information.
‘I’d like to spend more time here,’ I ventured, hoping to procrastinate my departure from the place.
I didn’t mind standing patiently in the great hall watching the athletes limber up because it meant I was extending my stay in Hell, delaying my return either to Heaven or Purgatory. However Kovak soon cottoned on to my intention.
‘Come on,’ he ordered. ‘There’s no time to delay.’
‘How about the choir,’ I forwarded hopefully. ‘I’d love to hear them sing.’
‘I think we’ll give them a miss,’ he replied tiredly.
‘Is there any religion here? I enquired quickly. ‘Any praying to a Supreme Being?’
Kovak shook his head slowly. ‘We don’t need to worship anyone here,’ he answered sagely. ‘There’s no need for religion.’
He did not refer to a Supreme Being leading me to believe that Satan didn’t exist either.
‘When do I come before the Committee to determine whether I stay here or not?’
‘In an instant,’ he replied sharply. ‘Close your eyes and you’ll be there.’
I obeyed the command and found myself standing in a relatively small room facing ten Committee members who sat behind a long wooden table.
‘You have found your way into this realm,’ stated the member in the centre who seemed to be the leader of the Committee. ‘What are your qualifications to stay here?’
I was perplexed at the question. What qualifications did I need? Was it essential to have been a criminal in life on Earth or would something much simpler be accepted? I was not to know. However, I knew that they had no previous knowledge either. If I lied profusely, and they took my words as evidence, I might get away with it with flying colours. It was a chance I had to take. I recalled the visit of Ian Botham, the international cricketer, to Australia which had been the continent where all the criminals had been shipped in the 1900s. ‘Do you have a criminal record?’ asked the Immigration Officer. Botham stared him straight in the eyes and asked: ‘Do I need one to get into this c
ountry?’ It was my cue to ask the same question but I knew that it wouldn’t help me. So I went to the other extreme.
‘I’ve been a liar, a burglar, a thief, and I raped four women,’ I began lying through my teeth. ‘I mugged about twenty-five people and held up seven shops for the money.’
There was a pause in which the silence seemed to crash about the room in its noiseless fashion before the member of the Committee sitting in the centre spoke again.
‘You’re a liar... ’ he began before I cut in interrupting him rudely to repeat my plea.
‘A burglar, a thief, and I raped four women.’
‘I’d appreciate it if you’d let me finish,’ he remonstrated angrily. ‘You’re a liar because the essence of your spirit indicates otherwise. You do realise that spirits are totally unable to lie. Of one thing I am certain... you’re a cheap fraud and we cannot accept you into this realm.’
He turned to the other members of the Committee who mumbled their accord and it seemed that I had been rejected again.
‘Come on! Surely you can approve my stay here!’ I pleaded unsuccessfully for it was quite clear that the decision had gone harshly against me.
‘The decision has been made,’ came the curt reply.
‘Just a moment!’ I countered angrily. ‘I’m just one spirit. There are ten of you against me. That’s not right!’
The Committee was less than impressed with my feeble tirade. ‘You have no authority here... but we have,’ uttered the member in the centre. ‘If we refuse to allow you to enter this realm you have no appeal against it.’
‘But I do appeal!’ I challenged smartly. ‘I want to see someone in a higher authority.,... even Satan himself!’
