Already slightly traumatized, Jonathan panicked when the nurse left him with a small cup, a stack of erotic magazines and a pile of DVD’s for use, as the nurse put it, “as necessary.”
The humiliating experience complete, Jon wandered out once again to the reception area to wait for his wife. He hoped she’d faired a bit better. His earlier temper evaporated. Jonathan knew Lillie struggled even more than he did. If he could make things easier for her by cheerfully complying with these examinations, then he vowed he would.
Lillie looked more hopeful when she exited the exam room and waited her turn in line with her checkbook. Jon knew his wife, and she was happiest when she was being proactive.
Next it was her turn at the accounting window. She dutifully handed over their insurance cards and wrote a check. After tucking her checkbook back in her purse, she approached him with her bottom lip between her teeth and a furrow between her brows.
He smiled at her and laid his hand on the small of her back as they made their way out of the modern medical building. He leaned over and kissed her at the base of her ear and whispered something fairly suggestive having to do with something he had learned from the doctor’s collection of mild pornographic material.
Lillie attempted a smile, but it stopped short of genuine. Jonathan ducked his head to catch her eye. “Tell me,” he said in a quiet voice.
“Well,” Lillie exhaled. “I was so excited to get an appointment with Dr. Carsten that I never asked the price.”
“How much was it?” he asked, thinking they may have had to pay the larger co-payment their medical insurance required for specialists.
“Three hundred and fifty dollars.”
“Ouch,” he exclaimed, but considered for a moment. “We have the vacation fund. That should cover a couple of visits.”
Lillie stopped walking and turned to look at him directly before she replied, “Each.”
“Oh, well.”
“Yeah, oh,” Lillie said sarcastically.
Jon pulled Lillie close even though they were in the middle of the parking lot and the evening mass exodus of medical employees. Remembering his earlier vow to help, not hinder his wife’s efforts he encouraged her by saying, “We’ll think of something, baby. It’ll all work out.”
He would think of something. Teacher’s incomes were fairly fixed, and Lillie’s real estate income had always been earmarked strictly for savings. In the early days, being paid only on a commission basis had frightened them. Neither wanted to live beyond their means. As Lillie built a clientele they still shied away from using her salary for living expenses, preferring to live simply and save the bulk of her earnings for their dream house. Now that home would be practically paid for by their substantial nest egg. Lillie was good at her chosen profession and maintained a steady stream of sales. Jonathan tried not to be bothered by the fact but Lillie could well afford even the many visits to the expensive physician that might be required.
Something occurred to him. His salary might be small, but teachers had excellent benefits available to them. Knowing they would be starting their family soon, he had chosen one of the most expensive from the cafeteria plan. “What about our medical insurance? Shouldn’t we be liable for only the co-pays and deductibles?”
“Insurance should cover most of the lab work, I hope.” Lillie crossed her fingers. “But they won’t cover any treatment unless I’m pregnant.” She looked down at her feet instead of at him.
“Okay, look at me baby.” He lifted her chin with one finger to meet his gaze. “We can do this. We will do whatever we have to do.” He lifted her chin with his finger to look directly into her eyes. “Do you understand me? The money doesn’t matter. We can put off starting on the house if we have to. We’ll find a way and we will do this if it’s what you want.”
“But it is so much, and it’s not fair…”
“None of it is fair. I agree with you there. But it doesn’t change the fact that we will do what we have to do. I’m not ready to give up yet, are you?”
“Of course not.” Lillie sighed. “But you’ve worked so hard on the plans.”
“What good is a larger house without children to fill it?”
“I know,” she managed before her face dissolved into tears.
“I’m sorry, baby. That’s not what I meant to say. Don’t cry. Please,” Jon pleaded as he clutched her to his chest and rubbed her back.
Lillie sniffed and straightened as Jon opened the passenger door for her and helped her into the car. Once Jon was behind the wheel, Lillie said, “But the house is your dream.” She looked into his eyes trying to make sure he was sure.
“My dream is that you are happy.” Jonathan twisted the key in the ignition and eased the car into drive. He ran his fingers down her hair to the nape of her neck then eased them around the side of her face to rest the back of his fingers against her cheek as they rode in silence.
After a few miles, Jonathan chuckled and said, “You know, I kind of like that place.”
Lillie looked at him like he had grown a third eye and retorted, “Like it! I’ve not been poked and prodded more in my entire life! Not to mention the three pints of blood they took. You’re nuts.”
“I don’t remember any nuts from the videos they showed me…but the maraschino cherries and whipped cream looked dee-lectable!” Jonathan leered at Lillie who laughed for what seemed like the first time in months as he swerved the car unexpectedly into the grocery store parking lot.
Chapter Eight
Lillie waved to several friends as she made her way to her usual spot for the Thursday night practice performance of the Marching Panther’s upcoming weekend performance. She scanned the crowd for Cassie who’d she planned to meet here tonight.
Normally, she arrived as the band was warming up in order to get her favorite seat on the top row, right on the fifty-yard line. She loved this vantage point because it allowed her to see the entire band as though they were one big Rorschach drawing of Jon’s design.
The patterns the band created on the field were extremely intricate. She loved to be where she could get the full effect and see all of the moving parts of the gigantic living Kaleidoscope. She always videotaped the performances for Jonathan and his staff to watch after the practice. At times, she could even be a help to her husband because she got a chance to experience the show as much as the judges would on the weekend. She sat just below the press box where they would be seated on Saturday at the district competition. This was an important show. Only the top five bands performing would be asked to compete at the State Championships.
As the band practiced their set-up on the field, parents and friends trickled in. Thursday night run through had become nearly an institution since Jonathan had issued the open invitation to the townspeople of LaSalle. He felt it helped the kids to practice in front of an audience and to feel the support of their community. Last year the band parents had raised much-needed funds for uniform repair by selling refreshments.
The local senior assisted living center even added the Thursday night show to their events calendar. The LaSalle Manor bus appeared each Thursday at seven o’clock full of senior citizens out to hear the music and watch the show.
It was an odd cross section of the town, with the older folks, parents, teenagers and young families all coming together. But nearly everyone had someone to cheer for because sixty-percent of the student body of LaSalle High School worked with the band. More than half of the student body wanted to be a part of Jonathan’s program.
Lillie beamed just thinking of his hard work and dedication, but also for how he taught and mentored his kids. Many a parent credited Mr. Oleson with keeping their child on the straight and narrow.
Jon would just shrug off the compliments and say that he kept the kids too busy to get into trouble, but the parents and his wife knew differently. They understood it was more about Jonathan Oleson, than the notes or formations he taught. Jon, a stand up man, didn’t preach at the kids. He didn’t ne
ed to. Jon taught them by example.
She knew he’d be a great father. If only…if only…that seemed to be her mantra these days. She knew that she was testing Jon’s patience but there were times she just couldn’t help it. She tried. She really did, but sometimes it overwhelmed her, and she could feel herself sinking, not only unable, but unwilling to swim back to the surface. She wanted a child and there seemed so little she could do about it.
The band began the opening movement to The Rite of Spring. The piece of music was in four parts and began with a haunting two minute introduction. The color guard was graceful as they twirled their flags along with the music, and the band formations reminded her of eagles soaring overhead.
Lillie watched her husband in the director’s box. Jon had invited her more than once to view the show with him down there, closer to the field and she had. But Lillie had felt as if she were missing something. Jon’s animation and enthusiasm were always part of the show for her. Like the intricate patterns of the marching, his enthusiasm viewed best from above.
Even though she couldn’t see his face, she could tell from his body language he liked what he saw. The kids were giving their fans a stellar performance and the new moves were show stopping.
Lillie exhaled. She worried about her husband, and he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. She knew she hadn’t been making it any easier for him, especially lately. Jon took his role model job seriously as he did the responsibility for producing a winning show, choosing the right music and the right kids for the right parts.
She knew her husband better than he realized. She understood he lived with a nearly constant fear of letting them all down: the school, the administration, the kids, the community…her. He tried hard, and she wondered if there would come a time it would all become too much for him.
When things got really hectic his eye would even begin to twitch. She would be happier if he could learn to decompress a little bit. She made a mental note to lure him away on Sunday for a canoe trip. The outdoors always soothed Jon as it did Lillie. It had been way too long since it had been just the two of them and a couple of paddles. Lillie’s mind continued to wander until the bench beneath her lurched as Cassie plopped down next to her.
“Hey, Lil. I can’t believe that I missed almost all of Spring Rounds,” she said, naming a section of the music. “That’s my favorite,” Cassie panted.
Lillie broke from her reverie with a start and embraced her friend who was breathing heavily. “Hiya, Cass. I thought Adoration of the Earth,” said Lillie, naming another section, “was your favorite?”
“It is.”
Lillie looked sideways at Cassie and pondered her friend. She was not usually so distracted and looked pale beneath her freckles. “Eighteen more bars until the transition. Wait until you see the change. It’s really cool.”
“You’ve seen it?” Cassie asked.
“No, not with the band, but Jon and I came down and walked the show on Sunday while he was working it.”
Still out of breath from the long climb, Cassie asked, “Is it getting further up here or is it just me?” She waived her hand toward the field as the band completed the tricky new maneuver. “Wow, that is cool,”
“Are you all right?” asked Lillie.
“Yep, just getting out of shape, I guess.”
“We could go to the gym in the morning before I go into the office.”
“I can’t.”
“Start Monday then?”
“Umm…maybe in a few weeks,” Cassie replied vaguely.
Lillie turned away from the show to give her friend her full attention. “What’s up Cassie?”
Cassie didn’t look at Lillie, but kept her eyes trained on the spectacle below. “Nothing really.”
“Cassie, look at me,” Lillie demanded.
Reluctantly Cassie turned her head and met Lillie’s eyes. “I really don’t want to talk about it. Can we please drop it?”
“Cassie, tell me what’s the matter this instant!” Lillie demanded, mimicking Jon’s best teacher voice.
“Well,” she began, “I had been feeling really crappy so I went to the doctor.”
“Cass, are you sick?” Lillie broke in worriedly.
“Worse.”
“Worse? Cassie, you are scaring me!” Lillie all but yelled.
Cassie pulled her friend back to the bench and smiled at the onlookers who had turned their attention away from the show and centered it on the two women. “Shhh,” she hissed. “Please be quiet.”
Nearly standing now, Lillie continued in a voice that was still a level too loud and drew a few more glances from those seated nearby. “I will be quiet when you kindly tell me what is going on!”
Backed into a corner, Cassie looked down at her feet, elbows resting on her knees and head in her hands. She said in a small voice, as if whispering the words would hurt Lillie less. “I’m not sick; I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant? Are you sure?” Lillie’s expression was stricken.
“Four months, almost five. So I’m sure.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“Lillie, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how…or what to say…”
“How about, ‘Lillie, I’m pregnant,’ that would have been a good start.” Lillie’s hands went to her hips in indignation.
“I found out the day before you lost the baby. I was so shocked I didn’t know which way was up. This was not planned and at this point in my life I really didn’t want another child. But the one thing I was hanging on to was that our kids would be born within a few months of each other. They would be in the same grade in school, play sports together. Be best friends.”
For a moment Lillie didn’t speak and the pain crashed around her. Bile rose in her throat, and she could scarcely breathe. But then with monumental effort, she pushed her own feelings aside and turned to her and said, “That would have been perfect.”
Tears were running down both of their faces as they sat, each lost in their own thoughts as the band changed tempo once again. The music became desolate, and so haunting it was the perfect backdrop for the swirling emotions wracking their heads and hearts.
In a moment, Lillie gathered her love for her friend around her like a shield and gave Cassie a brilliant smile though her tears. “Well, I think that it’s wonderful.”
“You do? I was so afraid you would be angry with me.”
“That would be like being angry at my own right hand,” Lillie replied. “You are a part of me, Cass. I love you and I always will, no matter how many babies you have or I don’t have.” Lillie’s smile stayed strong, and she wiped away her tears while she prayed Cassie would never know what that smile cost her. “In fact, I think this is going to be a very special baby,”
“You think so?”
“Definitely!” Lillie exclaimed.
“It was pretty unexpected.”
“You know what they say, the best things in life aren’t planned.”
“I thought it was, ‘the best things in life are free’?”
Lillie considered her friend’s words. “Either way,” she agreed. “This is going to be a marvelous baby. What does Ben have to say?”
“Besides that birth control ought to have some sort of control to it?”
“Hmm…Just tell him what Mrs. Murdock told us in health class,” pronounced Lillie.
The women recited in unison, mimicking the elderly teacher’s voice. “The only birth control that is completely effective is keeping a dime between your knees.”
“I’m sure that would go over big,” chuckled Cassie.
“Seriously, I know this is a surprise.”
“I was one year away.” Cassie said as she raised both of her hands and let them drop at her sides. “One boy, one girl. I was done.”
Cassie went back to work in an antique shop when Tucker, her youngest, began preschool. She planned to open her own shop in a year or two. Lillie knew with all of the costs involved in starting a new business, the
re would little money to cover the high cost of a safe and reliable daycare.
Finding someone trustworthy to care for a child was difficult under the best of circumstances when finances were not an issue. Because of it, Cassie had given up her assistant manager position in retail seven years ago when her daughter Chloe was born. It was one of the reasons most of the women in their group of friends had either chosen or been forced to the “Mommy” track, mid-career.
Lillie knew that Cassie would not have changed a thing as far as her children were concerned. She loved them dearly and devoted her life to her family. Cassie begrudged them none of her sacrifices, but it was supposed to be Cassie’s turn now.
As usual, Cassie and Lillie’s thoughts ran along the same lines and Cassie said with a trembling bottom lip, “I’ll just wait a bit longer for my own shop…” Her voice died away, afraid to continue lest she betray the cheerful front she was trying so hard to maintain.
Lillie understood Cassie didn’t want to appear ungrateful for the gift of this child when her friend waited desperately for one.
She tried to believe things happened for a reason, even when she didn’t know why. Lillie’s voice broke only a tiny bit as she said, “After the show, I think we need to celebrate my new Godchild.”
“Celebrate?” Cassie swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Definitely! Double fudge banana splits at Sullivan’s. My treat.” Lillie grabbed Cassie’s hand and smiled as she looked again towards the field.
“You’re on,” Cassie said and managed a genuine smile of her own.
* * *
Jonathan passed through the school office to gather the items from his mailbox on his way out to his Jeep.
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