It was as if all of the energy and vitality of the last days had seeped from Jon and he stood before her, shoulders slumped, looking defeated. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“About what, the box? The pictures? It’s wonderful…they’re wonderful.”
“No, not that. The report.”
“Report?” She glanced down at the paperwork still on the desk, just now remembering the discarded bundle. She’d forgotten about it when she’d let the pictures carry her away to another place and time. She picked it up now and thrust it toward him. “I didn’t read it.”
Resigned, now, he crossed the room and took the papers from her outstretched hand. As he held them, the weight of the world crashed back down on his shoulders. He slumped under the weight. “I suppose then, it’s time you did.” Jonathan stretched his hand toward her. Lillie heard a loon call for his missing mate in the distance, its mournful call the only sound in the room besides the occasional crackle of the fire.
Jon sat on the bed as she opened the report and began to read. She was quiet for several minutes, the only thing giving away the fact she was digesting the print, were the tears coursing down her cheeks. “Where did you get this?”
Instead of answering Lillie’s question, Jon began. “I always believed, I--and maybe I still do--if I worked hard, lived right and did what I could do to be a good person, then everything would be okay.”
Lillie said nothing, just continued to stare at him, tears still coursing down her face. Jonathan reached out and took the report from her fingers.
“I could take care of things, you know? The kids at school, mom, Cynthia—even Molly. But I couldn’t fix this, Lillie.” He gestured with the report. “I couldn’t change anything. I couldn’t give you the one thing you wanted. The only thing you ever asked me for was a baby, and I couldn’t give it to you.”
Jon sat spent on the bed, looking down at his hands, not moving and scarcely breathing. Lillie found her voice at last and said, “But we had just started the fertility appointments. We didn’t have an answer…”
“But I did, Lillie. I knew I was never going to make a healthy baby with you.”
Lillie’s voice raised and she insisted, “What are you talking about? That’s crazy…we didn’t know that yet!”
“I knew.” He gestured to the paperwork. “I took our lab reports to a geneticist in Chicago after I read an article on the Internet.”
“Without me?” Lillie asked in a small voice.
Jonathan couldn’t meet her eyes, but continued, “I pushed a permission slip through with a bunch of paperwork for the new house and told you I had an in-service in Indianapolis.”
Lillie gasped and her hand went to her throat. “The day you went to Chicago…the day before you left.”
Now it was Jonathan’s turn to show surprise on this face. “How did you know?”
“I didn’t know why,” Lillie said as she shook her head slowly. “But I found a receipt in your car for the toll plaza on I-94, so I knew you’d lied to me.”
A light went off in Jonathan’s eyes as he connected her words from a few days before. “That’s why you assumed I cheated on you.”
Lillie now studied her hands, but she replied, “Not at first, but you left the same day I found the slip.” Lillie’s hand faced palm up indicating she’d not know what to think.
“Lillie, I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say to defend what I did. I was wrong, and I didn’t trust you to love me—to want me more than you wanted the baby I couldn’t give you.” Jonathan took a deep breath and continued, “I couldn’t bear to let you down.”
“Jon—’’
“I was a coward to leave the way I did. I’m sorry, Lillie. More than you could know.”
“The thing I think was the hardest for me in all of this was that I never knew why. Even though I had theories, I never really knew why you left me and so abruptly and why I couldn’t have a child. It haunted me all of these years—froze me in place, really. I never could quite let go and really move on. That’s why I agreed to see you…I thought exorcising my demons was the one thing I hadn’t tried…”
Jonathan flinched and knew he was the demon in her scenario, but he also knew he deserved it, so he stayed quiet. He could say very little in his own defense, even if he’d had the wherewithal to think of it.
The silence stretched between them until Lillie continued quietly, “But you knew and you didn’t tell me. You just let me suffer.”
“I loved you, Lillie! I believed if you knew you would move heaven and earth to have a child and in the end, you would have hated me for what you gave up for me.”
“Maybe.” She nodded in agreement. “Maybe you’re right. But you should have had more faith in me—more faith in us. You didn’t even try--”
Jonathan moved to her side and wrapped her arms around her. “I was going to tell you. I brought you out here to tell you, but I…I was afraid to lose you twice.”
She cringed in response and put her hand against his chest to push him away. “Don’t.” Lillian broke away and walked towards the door. “I need a few minutes, Jon. Please.”
He nodded his consent and sat back on the side of the bed. Although he made no move to follow her, remaining where he sat was one of the most difficult things he’d ever done.
Every molecule of his being wanted to follow her and keep her with him. Now he had her back in his life, he wanted to keep her there. As hard as it had been the first time, the pain slicing through him was nothing compared to what he endured now.
Because he loved her more than life itself, he let her go. She’d needed to come to him of her own accord yesterday at the lake when they’d made love. The decision tonight had to be hers alone as well.
So he sat, not moving and scarcely breathing, as if afraid to lose his balance and fall into a deep fissure that was the rest of his life without Lillie.
Chapter Twenty-three
“Maybe he left you because he couldn’t give you a child…there’s a difference.” Lillie heard Donna’s words in her head as she walked slowly towards the dock, the words charging through her thoughts even as the old pain of Jon’s betrayal sliced through her once again.
All these years she’d wondered and she’d suffered alone, so once again, she retreated into herself as she sat huddled on the pier.
The rain had slowed to a soft drizzle while they’d been in the cabin and a cold, wispy fog surrounded the lake and wove between her bare feet as she sat holding her legs, arms resting atop her knees.
It was eerie and almost mystical as evening fell and darkness enclosed her. She gathered her knees more closely to her and hunched forward as if to ward off the cold. But in actuality, she barely noticed the crisp air in her haste to push away the multitude of feelings, pounding against her much like the anchored canoe, banged against the dock.
Finally, Lillie laid her head on her arms and gave in to the tears. She sobbed as if her heart was breaking, but in truth, it shattered long before.
She cried for the years they’d lost, the innocents they’d been and the babies they’d never known.
Suddenly she longed for her children and the joy she found when she was with them. She trusted Cat and Rand to take perfect care of them, but she missed them and ached to hold them and have them near her once again.
But just thinking of her beloved Hope and Alex brought her peace and soon her sobs subsided and her mind cleared. Once again, her life hovered at a crossroads; only this time, the choice was not total desolation or hope, as it had been when she’d gone in search of her children.
This time the choice was more difficult and required courage as well as faith. Lillie could leave here, go home to her children and pick up her life where she’d left off. She’d spoken the truth to Catherine when she’d said she had a great life.
But Catherine had also spoken the truth when she’d said, “Life is for love.” Lillie could see that again, even after only a few short days with Jon. For the first
time in her life, she finally understood what she’d been trying to tell her all along.
Life was for love, but love without forgiveness was shallow and unable to withstand the storms that come into any life.
Finding her children taught her about faith, so maybe it was time she and Jonathan both worked on learning forgiveness. It was time. She stood in one fluid motion and ran though the darkness, anxious to start the rest of her life.
* * *
Jonathan heard her before he saw her. He sat, still where she’d left him, on the edge of the bed, eyes closed as if in prayer, while he uttered the same simple request over and over in his mind. He could see her as she’d been all those years ago; the first time they’d visited this cabin. Trying to be brave, but nervous. So so very much in love with him.
He opened his eyes when her feet pounded on the floorboards. He found her, standing before him so very much as she had so long ago. He recognized the same hope in her eyes he remembered from their first day, and he returned her smile while opening his arms.
When she crossed the last few steps and collapsed against him they both knew they’d come home, at last.
Epilogue
Lillie waited impatiently at the base of the escalator near the baggage carousel for Flight 932, Orlando to O’Hare. She heard them before she saw them, arguing about who would get to hug mommy first and who would get to tell her what, about their adventures.
Hope popped over the top of the escalator first, holding hands and talking animatedly with Catherine, her blond pigtails bopping in time with her Mickey Mouse ears. The second she saw her mother she bolted down the remaining steps and into her mother’s arms.
Tears ran down Lillie’s face as she squeezed Hope to her and kissed her cheeks. Hope looked up at her mom and wiped the tears from Lillie’s face. “Don’t be sad, Momma. We’ll take you next time.” Hope looked troubled. She didn’t want her to be upset because they’d spent the week in Disney World without her.
“Oh, baby,” Lillie said, holding her daughter close. “These are happy tears. I missed you so much.” Lillie gave her daughter one last squeeze before she sat her on her feet and reached for her little brother, trapped on his grandfather’s hip so as not to cartwheel down the long expanse of escalator. As soon as Rand stepped clear of the moving stairs, Alex jumped from Rand’s arms to hers and wrapped her instantly in a headlock.
“My favorite Mommy!”
“My best-est boy!” Lillie grinned and kissed him soundly ten or twelve times around his face while he dodged around and attempted to do the same to her.
With one small hand in each of hers, they made their way to the luggage carousel marked for their flight. Catherine soon caught up and looked at her pointedly when she asked, “How was your trip, darling?”
“It was good. Really good,” Lillie answered, grinning.
Lillie looked over her shoulder. Catherine followed her gaze and for once in her life, was speechless.
“Hello, Cat.” Jonathan greeted her warmly from where he leaned against a post. “Long time, no see.”
Quickly regaining her composure, she hugged Jonathan tightly, still unable to gather her thoughts enough to speak.
Lillie felt Hope’s hand stiffen in hers, signaling her baby was either afraid or nervous. Lillie crouched to her daughter’s level and looked her daughter in the eye. “You remember, Jonathan, don’t you?”
“Yes, Mommy,” Hope said and rewarded him with a shy smile.
Jonathan went down on one knee as well, and held out his hand to her. She reached out timidly and placed her tiny palm in his. He returned her smile and before he could say anything, Hope said, “You were the groom.”
Lillie opened her mouth to explain, but Jon was too quick. He gathered Hope up in one arm and slung the other around Lillie, who was still holding Alex. “You’re right, Hope. I was.” He looked her in the eye and asked. “I was wondering if I could hang around with you guys for a while.” He paused and then added. “What do you think?” eyes darting from Hope’s to Lillie’s to Alex’s.
Hope spoke first, her head bopping along with her words. “I’d like that.”
He looked to Lillie who smiled and nodded her consent. “Me, too…” was all Lillie had time to answer as Jonathan claimed her lips with his own.
Reluctantly, Jon pulled away from Lillie and looked at Alex, still in his mother’s arms. “What do you think, partner?”
“Are you going to do that kissy face all of the time? Eeew!” They all laughed at his horrified face.
“Well, you might have to get used to it. I plan on doing it a lot.”
“For how long?” Alex looked at Jon doubtfully.
“Yes, Mr. Oleson,” Cat announced, finally finding her voice. “How long?”
Jon swallowed and opened his mouth to speak but Lillie beat him to it.
“Oh, fifty or sixty years or so,” she laughed.
Jonathan pulled them even closer before he said, “That’s the best plan I’ve heard in a long time.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, thank you to my family. Sophie, Max, Dianne, Krista, Ray and Betty.
Thank you to Kelli, for being my “Cassie” and the only one to share the adventure of my lifetime.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t give thanks to Sara Jane for her help editing this manuscript and getting rid of all of my dangling participles.
Last and least ;) (just jokin’) thanks to my writing pals, MJ, SJ, DJ, Karen, Kayleen, Cathy and all the folks at the “Just Write It” group on Tuesday nights. You’re the BEST!
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