by Selina Rosen
Know when it’s your birthday, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza—whatever you celebrate—and do something different that day even if it’s as simple as hanging pieces of aluminum foil on a piece of firewood or sticking a candle on a can of spam.
We mark the seasons and the time and have holidays for a reason, it’s these things that make life worth living. In the post-apocalyptic world it will be more important than ever to celebrate these special events.
There is a reason why there are so many holidays in December. It’s because this is when the nights are the longest, when it’s coldest, when everyone was huddled into too=small spaces and were forced to stay indoors.
There will likely be more than one month of this sort of crap so maybe we should all make up even more winter holidays.
***
We dug a downed Cedar tree out of the snow—still all green—knocked the snow off of it, pulled it into the greenhouse and decorated it. It looked more or less like our tree did every year because… Well I was still in my house and I still had all our old family decorations—the ones we’d had all the boy’s lives. I even had them hang their “baby’s first Christmas ornaments” on the tree the way they always had—a tradition Cindy had started not me.
Yep, except for the nearly four feet of snow outside and all of the animals being stuck in the barn my life really hadn’t changed much. In fact, let me be honest. My life was better than it had been in years, maybe ever. For years… hell all my life, I’d done nothing but obsess about what was going to happen. I’d spent my whole life worrying and preparing for the worst while people ridiculed me and my own kids thought I was a nut job. Now I didn’t have to worry about dumb fucks tearing up the world anymore; it had already happened. So far it was nothing I wasn’t fully prepared for.
In addition, both my sons were back home and one of them was as good as married to someone I actually liked, and I had a gorgeous woman who—since there was really not much else to do—was fucking me rotten at least twice a day.
I still have a little guilt because the apocalypse has been so good for me.
We each had a gift under the tree wrapped in bright paper. As was our tradition, the gifts had to be hand made, which was just as well since there were no stores. Of course I had plenty of crap out in the shed and I had made the trip out there to get some decent clothes—you know that would actually fit them—and arctic gear for the girls and had wrapped them.
Lucy, Evelyn and Cherry had all complained that me and the boys had an advantage since we all knew how to use tools. But let’s face it, there really wasn’t a choice and I was more than happy with the gifts Lucy was giving me every day—most times twice.
Between what we’d made for the kids in Rudy proper and what we’d made for each other and the girls, me and the boys had spent most of two days in the shop with the tools just a-going, the methane generator running on high, the wood stove blazing, and I think we all had fun playing Santa’s elves. It was nice not to be in the house or the barn and to have something to do besides cook, clean house or mess with the garden and the animals. It wasn’t as good as sex but you can’t just do that all the time and working with wood has always been a pleasure of mine.
Of course none of us were really surprised by what we got because we’d all been working in the same shop at the same time, but it was still nice to sit and open the gifts.
Evelyn still didn’t talk much. Still weak and overwhelmed I guessed. I had no idea what a blessing that was till it was over, but I’ll talk about that later.
Cherry talked constantly, but not ever really to me. In fact when I think back on it now, everyone but Lucy seemed to avoid talking to me as much as possible. I won’t pretend to know why, though Lucy has said more than once and the boys agree that I’m more than a little intimidating.
Which, duh! I’m crazy. That is a little off-putting for most people I suppose.
Lucy told me that Cherry told her that Evelyn was really depressed and couldn’t quit talking about her family and friends all being dead. Of course I never heard Evelyn say this. If I had I’d have told her to shut up.
Does that sound like I’m harsh and unfeeling and just a total bitch? Let me tell you something, if you dwell on something you can’t do anything about… Well that’s one of the things that made me crazy. If you choose—and it is a choice not like sexual orientation which isn’t—to just think about everything you’ve lost you will never get over it. People need time to grieve, that’s true. But wallowing is a whole different story and making your friends listen to you go on and on about everyone you’ve lost when they’ve lost just as many people if not more than you have? Well that’s just selfish.
Maybe this is why they weren’t really talking to me at this point, I mean it was pretty close to the beginning of the apocalypse and maybe all any of them wanted to do was sit around and talk a bunch of morbid shit and they knew I’d tell them to shut the fuck up.
The whole, this has ended, that one has died, we have to start all over and look at all we’ve lost. Well if you’re still doing that as you read this then you just need to kill yourself because you aren’t ever going to get over it. Every ending is a new beginning. Everything that dies makes room for something new, maybe something better.
I for sure think the world is better now.
Let’s face it; the world sucked. It especially sucked for everyone who wasn’t rich. Our country was never able to come back from what the rich idiots and those that blindly followed them had done to it. We were never going to convince people to stop killing each other and the world till they just did it and got it out of their system. There would have always been some religious hoo-haw wanting a jihad to kill all the infidels—which was never, ever them.
The apocalypse was the ultimate do over. Quit crying and plow your damn field, plant your corn, plant your beans, tend your chickens if you’re lucky enough to have any—and build a better shelter.
In short get the fuck over it already!
The only thing I still get really depressed about is that I know as hard as some of us will try people will fuck everything up again, because it’s what people do. We’ll build a really cool little self-sufficient world for ourselves without wars and religions and governments and huge pollution-spitting factories, and then somewhere someone will decide it’s not enough and they’ll create new religions and build new factories and governments and we’ll have crap again. It’s human nature to question things. When we can’t answer questions that can’t be answered people will once again look for something besides what they see to explain it… like Lucy and her damned fate thing.
Anyway, as soon as we’d opened our gifts and had some breakfast me and the boys loaded the sled with all the presents for the kids and a bag full of candy canes. Then we loaded up some milk, eggs, cheese, five pounds of sweet potatoes, sugar, rice, some fresh tomatoes, squash, carrots and lettuce from the greenhouse, flour, and half a dozen butchered rabbits for the adults. I even threw in a small can of coffee. I have to tell you this last was huge because I had done the math and, at the current rate of our personal use, I was going to have to die by ninety or I’d be out of coffee. And if I ran out of coffee and toilet paper I wasn’t going to care if I died anyway.
Now let me tell you the God’s honest truth right now, I don’t think I would have been nearly so generous if I hadn’t been silly in love with Lucy. I was in love with her, too, even if I hadn’t yet told her that I was. She’d said it to me a couple of times after we’d made love but I mean come on you can’t take anything to heart that someone tells you when they’re still gasping from the orgasm you just gave them.
How did I respond when she said she loved me in those moments between great sex and falling asleep? I pretended I didn’t hear her.
Yes, I’m well aware that’s a chicken shit thing to do, so shoot me!
The point is I was being really generous and it had nothing to do with the spirit of the season and everything to do with the fact that I
was in love and happy and just wanted to share that happiness.
If I’d had a Santa suit I’d have made Billy wear it and go with me and play the big guy, but since I didn’t I took Lucy with me because… Well I’d rather have Lucy’s arms wrapped around me and at that point in time having realized I was mad in love with her I just didn’t want to be separated from her at all. You guessed it; just as she was getting to a point where she didn’t have to follow me around all the time I reached a point where if she wasn’t right there with me I immediately went and found her, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t have to say it because she knew I loved her.
It was really cold and our fogless goggles still fogged up but I hardly noticed I was excited about playing Santa Claus. Hell, if I’d had the suit and a fake beard I would have played the jolly old elf myself.
As we pulled up outside the old church most of the adults were already outside waiting to help us carry stuff in. The tree they’d brought in was small for a good reason, space was at a premium. They’d decorated it with ornaments made from craft paper, beer cans, and old plastic bottles. Paper chains hung around and cards that different people had made for each other and that the kids had made were hanging everywhere. The minute we brought the food in the adults went right to work preparing what would be the group’s Christmas dinner. When the kids saw Lucy and I walking in with the feedbags full of presents, you could see that it was all they could do to keep from knocking us down and mugging us for toys.
Everyone watched as Lucy and I moved to the front of the building and the kids followed. I let Lucy make up the story and do the talking because: a) she’s better at that shit than I am, and; b) as it has been pointed out, folks seem to think I’m intimidating.
“Hey kids,” Lucy started, and the kids crowded her so fast I was afraid they’d knock her over. She pulled a note from inside her coat that she’d apparently written the night before. “We found these bags of toys on the other side of the bridge with this note.” She cleared her throat for effect. “Dear children of Rudy, I’m sorry I couldn’t stop in but the reindeer have been acting really funny. Seems even they are too cold, but you’ve all been really good kids this year and I wanted you to have your presents.” She started pulling the wrapped toys from the bag. She would call out a kid’s name and then a kid would yell out and start hurling themselves through the crowd and grab the package greedily. When they’d opened their gift and screamed it was just what they wanted, Lucy would grab another and start the process all over again. I smiled when she called Karma’s name and she bounded over those other kids, just as greedy for her gift as all the rest were. You’d have never guessed she’d been at death’s door just a few weeks before.
Too soon all the presents were opened and the kids were just playing and sharing toys. You know, the whole “you can play with mine if I can play with yours” that starts with toys when you’re a kid and… Well you know where I’m going.
The smell of cooking food flooded the building and to me it smelled like happiness. I must have just been grinning like an idiot because Lucy walked over to me and punched me playfully in the shoulder. “You look awful dammed pleased with yourself.”
I laughed, “Is that bad?”
“No.” She smiled back at me then raised up on her tiptoes and kissed me on the lips. There was sudden silence and I knew why. I just stared around the room at all of them and thundered. “Oh don’t even start that shit.” There was a general nodding of heads and then everyone went back to what they were doing. Working at not looking at us. Lucy gave me a curious look and I shrugged and mumbled. “We weren’t standing under the mistletoe.” Lucy seemed to realize what she’d done then and she blushed. See, you have to remember Lucy was the one who’d always been in the closet, not me.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“What the hell for?” I said loud enough that everyone could hear me. “It’s a new world and we aren’t going to start it with any stupid shit.” Then I looked around the group. “Isn’t that right?”
“Right,” Roy Jr. said and most of the others agreed.
Someone was jerking on my pants leg. I looked down and there was Karma.
“Crazy Katy?” Around the room I saw the adults all cringe. I ignored them.
“Yes honey?”
“Thank you for making me better and thanks for my bear,” she said holding it up.
“Honey you’re welcome but I didn’t get you that bear, Santa did.”
The little shit winked at me and motioned for me to bend down so I did and she whispered in my ear, “I know there is no Santa. My parents told me. There’s no Santa Clause except for you.” She then hugged my neck smacking me in the head with that bear and then she let me go and ran off to play.
I laughed and stood up, and just to make sure they all knew I wasn’t going to hide just to make them comfortable I took hold of Lucy’s hand and held it tightly. Ken Porter glared at me, and that’s when I knew he was going to have to die.
One of the older kids walked up to us then and held out a homemade card. “We made this for you.” I took it, read it, and it nearly brought a tear to my eye. “Thank you very much.” I folded it and stuck it in my shirt pocket. “Well, we’re out of here. I want to get home way before it gets dark. Roy, would you and Ken help me get everything tied down to go?”
Roy and Ken followed us into the vestibule, which was cold but not unbearable, and Lucy and I started putting our gear back on. “Katy, we can’t thank you enough...” Roy started.
“You want to thank me, get Ken to quit preaching.”
Both Roy and Ken looked shocked and Ken said, “I didn’t say anything in there. Didn’t want to ruin everyone’s mood, but you shouldn’t be doing your queer thing in front of the kids. As for me preaching it’s our faith which is sustaining us…”
“Fuck that. I’m the one sustaining you. Listen and listen. good asshole, ’cause I’m only goin’ to say this once.” I punched him in the chest with my finger hard. “You are a withering piece of shit. Religion destroyed the world; it was nothing but trouble. You aren’t being saved by God or sweet baby Jesus, you are being saved by my godless, sinner, very queer ass, and by your own will to live.”
“Now you listen here…” He got right in my face and that was when I put the barrel of my gun against his nuts and he shut up.
“No, I’m not going to listen to you at all. I’ve heard all the hateful crap you and your kind spew all my life. It ends here.”
“Now, Katy, calm down,” Roy said.
“I’m crazy, remember? I don’t calm down. Without my help, there is no way you’d be alive right now and certainly no way that you will make this winter without running out of food. If you think you and yours will storm me and take my stuff…”
“We’d never do that, Katy,” Roy said quickly.
“No, you wouldn’t, but he would. And after he convinces all those idiots in there that the whole world ended not because idiots like him thought God wanted them to wipe out the infidels, but because God wanted to kill out all the horrid gay people, that’s exactly what they’ll do because religion always allows, even condones, people doing what they otherwise simply would not do.”
“Godless people brought down the wrath of God…”
I moved the barrel of my pistol to Ken’s nose.
“You stupid fucks. What has to happen to make you let go of your hateful rhetoric? Everyone’s dead, dumbass. Everyone’s struggling except for me. Now why would your hate-mongering God do that? If I didn’t help you, you’d all be dead and me… Well, I’d have more supplies. If I pull this trigger right now your God won’t save you. You think their faith is sustaining them?” I nodded my head back towards the interior of the building. “They know that’s crap even if you don’t. If you think for one minute that because of my generosity today that I won’t let you all starve tomorrow then you’re dead wrong. Now get out of my face.”
He practically ran inside, and behind me I could hear Lucy start to
breathe again.
“I’m sorry, Katy, really sorry. You’re right; we’d all be dead without you. I just don’t know what to do about him and…”
“It’s simple. Tell everyone that if they continue to let him run his mouth trying to turn everyone against me, that I’ll not bring them one more ounce of food. I’ll not help in any way even to give you information. Why should I help you to live, to thrive, only to have you all try to kill me and mine for our trouble? You live on my doorstep. If I can’t trust you then I won’t let you live much less help you do so.” I put my gun back in my pocket. “Of course try would be the operative word there because any of you try to come after us and you won’t make it past the gate. Truth is, Roy, we only put our lives in danger if we continue to help you, and I’m not going to do one more thing to help any of you until you can prove to me that you don’t all secretly feel the same way Ken Porter does.”
“We don’t, Katy, I swear it.”
“Yet the kids still call me Crazy Katy, and they had to hear that someplace. I’m serious, Roy, you better all decide right now who you’re going to trust—Ken Porter’s hateful version of God or me.”
“Katy… We all appreciate everything you do. Ken… We’ll deal with him, Katy. I promise you we’ll shut him up.”
“Good. Merry Christmas.” I left and Lucy followed.
“Are you serious, Kay?”
“About what?” I asked as I started the four-wheeler.
“Abandoning them.”
“Well, I’m certainly not going to continue to help them if they’re just going to hate me and try to over-run us later.”
“It’s just one man, Kay.”
“They let him talk, Lucy. They wouldn’t let him talk his crap unless they at least in part believed him.”
“But… Kay what about the kids?”
“It’s up to them, Lucy, not me. I don’t believe any of them besides Ken have enough hatred left in them that they’d rather starve than change.”
