by Radclyffe
"Theres nothing you can do, Helen," she responded when she could find her voice.
Helen stopped her hurried motions with a hand on her arm, forcing Anna to look at her. "Anna," she said quietly, "it will kill her if you leave."
"No, Helen," Anna said as she gently removed her hand and stepped up into the Jeep. "It will kill me."
She did not look back as she drove away from all she loved.
Chapter Seventeen
She woke before the alarm after another restless night. She turned toward the window, seeking a hint of the sun through the glass. Even after all this time she still missed the smell of the ocean. She lay quietly, waiting for the ache in her to lessen. It was there each day when she opened her eyes, arising from some deep wound that would not heal. Pain was her constant companion, a raw burning grief that clouded even the most simple pleasures. She had learned to accept itas she accepted that there was a place in her soul which would remain forever empty. That she loved Graham still, would always love her, was the truth and the agony she lived with.
After the first desolate weeks alone again in Boston, she tried to reclaim her life. She immersed herself in her studies and had only to complete her thesis to have her degree. She had no social life and desired none. There was no question of re-entering the world she had known during her marriagea world now foreign to her. Loving Graham had taught her that she could only have loved with such deep passion and paralyzing desire because Graham was a woman. And she knew without doubt that no other woman could ever eclipse Graham in her heart. She had wanted Graham with a ferocity that still stunned her. She need only to recall some fleeting image, and she would be ambushed by desireher need to touch her, to taste her, to lose herself in her was palpable. Anna welcomed these moments, despite the bitter pain of loss, because it was only their presence that convinced her some part of her still lived. Otherwise, she moved through her days numb and scarcely present. The future stretched before her with no hint of joy.
The alarm sounded, a reminder that each day would come, and that she would somehow survive. As she moved about her small studio apartment gathering her things, she tried to dispel the lingering memories of her past. Woven through the tapestry of loss was a hard bitter thread of anger, anger over the life, and the love, she might have had - things too painful to dwell on now.
She still found it hard to believe the direction her life had taken. She now worked for a landscape design firm, a job that a year ago she would have been overjoyed to have. She did enjoy her work, in fact, it was her salvation, but the pleasure was diminished by the emptiness of the rest of her life. She barely remembered how she had gotten through that initial interview.
Lauren Parker, a nationally renowned landscape architect and one of a very few women to head her own firm, had interviewed her personally. Anna recalled that she had been both direct and personable, questioning Anna thoroughly but in an easy relaxed manner. Apparently she had been impressed by Annas graduate work on historic estate renovations, an area she said her firm was interested in exploring. Although it seemed now to Anna that she had floated through the interview in a daze, she must have made a favorable impression. She had been there six months. She grabbed her briefcase and hurried toward the door. She needed this job, but more importantly, she needed to work. It was the only thing which provided brief respite from her memories.
Anna was sketching in the details of an outdoor theatre when someone tapped on the wall of her work cubicle. She looked up to find Lauren leaning against the partition. It wasnt unusual for Lauren Parker to supervise the work of her staff personally, but she managed to do it in a way that was both non-threatening and non-intrusive. Those who worked for her knew how fortunate they were to have an employer who was talented as well as fair-minded.
Anna smiled a greeting, laying her work aside. "Hi."
"Hi. Hows the prospectus for the Randolph estate?"
Lauren was dressed casually in a navy linen pants suit that accentuated her trim athletic build. She could have been thirty-five, although Anna knew she was at least ten years older. She radiated confidence and vigorous good health. Her blonde hair was stylishly short, and she wore almost no makeup.
"Good, I think. I have some things to run by Don, and then it should be ready for you to look at."
Lauren nodded. "Excellent. Were ahead of schedule, which should appease those elements on Randolphs board of directors who thought the project should go to Tom Langdon across town." Despite her firms national reputation, there were always those who mistrusted the ability of a woman to excel in a mans field. This job was her entree into the realm of historic renovation she had been waiting for.
Lauren hesitated a second, then asked, "How about a working dinner tonight? Id like to hear what youve come up with so far, but Ive got clients scheduled all afternoon. If you dont have other plans? I know its Friday night."
A shadow flickered across Annas face and was quickly gone. "No," she said quietly, "I dont have any plans. Dinner would be fine. Should I meet you somewhere?"
"Why dont we just grab a cab from here?" Lauren hadnt missed the reaction her invitation had provoked. Whatever the memory, it had hurt. She said nothing further, knowing Anna was intensely private.
Anna nodded, "Okay."
Lauren smiled warmly. "GoodIm looking forward to it."
**********
At six oclock Lauren stopped in the corridor beside Annas desk. "Are you ready to finish up? The cab should be downstairs in about fifteen minutes."
Anna smiled up at her, nodding. "Im more than ready. Ill just freshen up and meet you outside."
Lauren held the cab door open while Anna slid in, then instructed the driver, "The Copely Plaza, please," as she settled next to Anna with a sigh. "God, Ive been looking forward to this all day."
"I might be a little under-dressed for the Copely," Anna said, indicating her casual slacks and sweater.
Lauren turned her head to look at Anna. "Nonsense. You look terrific," she said softly. The woman beside her had lost the deep tan that had accentuated her blue eyes and blond hair so strikingly six months before, but she had also lost the haunted look that seemed to shadow her every moment. She smiled occasionally now, a blazing smile that never failed to capture Laurens attention for just long enough to be distracting. Pleasantly distracting.
Anna blushed under Laurens warm, appraising glance. It was nothing like the way men had looked at her, still did in fact. She didnt feel as if she were being assessed like a painting about to be purchased, or a fine wine about to be consumed. Laurens glance was appreciative, and intimate in a respectful way. It was the first time Anna had ever been aware of a woman looking at her in quite that manner. Would Graham have, if she could have seen her? Without warning she remembered the way Graham had stroked her face after they made love, seeing her in the only way she could. Anna recognized the sensuality of Laurens gaze because she had felt it, magnified a thousand times, in Grahams hands on her skin. The image was so painful she closed her eyes with a small gasp.
"What is it?" Lauren asked in concern.
"Just a headache," Anna said with a shaky laugh. "I think I forgot lunch and its catching up with me."
"Well, dinner is on the company," Lauren said, almost as if she didnt own it. "Lets enjoy it!" She doubted the headache story; she had seen the same thing happen to Anna before. Some word or gesture would inexplicably cause her to pale, visibly shaken. Something had hurt her badly, and Lauren guessed that Anna kept the anguish at bay through sheer strength of will. Annas struggle touched some deep cord in Lauren, as she watched the younger woman slowly rise above her pain over the past months. "Come on," she said, touching Annas hand briefly. "Let me buy you a drink."
Anna forced herself to relax, wanting to forget everything for just a little while. She decided to try to enjoy herself, and before she knew it, she was seated with Lauren at a cozy table sipping a very fine wine.
At Laurens suggestion, they got business out of the way whi
le they waited for appetizers, so that by the time their meal came, their conversation was casual. Anna found Lauren an easy companion. Her interests beyond the professional were varied, and she had a way of bringing images to life with her enthusiasm. She was bright, gracious and altogether charming. For the first time in months Anna found she could actually distance herself from the despair that seemed to be the undercurrent of her life. She was grateful for the brief surcease of pain.
"Anna," Lauren said as she reached to fill Annas wine glass, "you have been doing excellent work at the firm, and I consider us lucky to have you. I hope you plan to stay on with us for the long-term. There will be plenty of opportunity for advancement."
Anna stared at her in surprise. She hadnt expected Lauren to notice her work, let alone comment so favorably upon it. She was pleased and said so.
Lauren nodded, her face uncharacteristically subdued. She fidgeted briefly with her straw, then tossed it onto the table with a sigh. "Theres never an easy way to do this, at least none that Ive ever found," she said at length. "But I want you to understand that this has absolutely nothing to do with work, and never will. No matter what you say to me, your position at the firm is based upon your production, and your skill - nothing else."
Anna looked at her quizzically. "I dont have the faintest idea what youre talking about," she said.
Lauren blushed and laughed lightly. "How could you? Im not saying anything!" She leaned forward slightly, her intense grey eyes fixed on Annas. "AnnaI think you are a very attractive woman, and I like you. I would very much like to spend more time with yousocially. Well, romantically actually."
Anna stared at her, at a loss for words. Lauren was highly attractive in many ways - bright, accomplished, physically compelling, and Anna was more comfortable with her than she had been in months. Part of her wanted this woman to make her forget Graham Yardley.
Lauren waited in silence, then asked softly, "Have I misread you? If I have, I apologize."
Anna cleared her throat, then responded, "No, you haventI mean, I am a lesbian."
Lauren added in concern, "I have never asked an employee out before. I meant it, Annadont think for a second that this has any bearing on your position at the firm. Please!"
Anna searched for her voice. "I dontit doesnt feel that way, and neither do you."
She looked at the woman across from her, imagining her touch, her kiss. She had grown to admire and respect Lauren, and after tonight she knew she liked her. She wondered if she could let Lauren make love to her body, if the physical sensation might even be welcome, if it somehow might dull her memory of Graham even briefly. She longed for some relief from the endless torment, but she knew without a shred of doubt she could never give Lauren her heart. That was no longer hers to own, or to give. She was Grahams, in every fiber of her being, and always would be. She looked at Lauren helplessly, " Its not that -its just-, I cant, Lauren, Im sorry"
Lauren thought she detected tears in her eyes. "Hey," she said softly, "its okay. I didnt mean to upset you."
Anna shook her head, brushing impatiently at the moisture on her cheeks. "You haventthis has been the best night Ive spent in months. And if things were different"
Lauren hurried to state, "I dont want to get in the middle of anything if youre already involved with someone. Ive never heard you mention anyone."
"No," Anna answered, the pain in her voice impossible to hide. "Im not involved with anyone."
"But?" Lauren questioned gently.
Annas gaze was wounded. "But there is someone I love, very muchsomeone who apparently doesnt love me. But that doesnt stop the wantingdoes it?"
Lauren looked at her sympathetically. "No, it doesnt. Perhaps time will help. Ive enjoyed our evening together. And Id like to do it again sometime. I appreciate your honesty, Anna, and if the time comes that you might feel differently about seeing me, Ill consider myself lucky. Til thenfriends?"
Anna smiled tremulously. "I could use a friend. Thank you, Lauren."
Chapter Eighteen
As time passed Lauren proved true to her word. On the average of once a week, she invited Anna to the theatre or out for dinner. The only place Anna refused to accompany her was to the symphony. Anna hadnt been able to listen to any kind of music that reminded her of Graham, and the thought of a concert hall brought twisting pain to her depths. In her mind, the concert stage would always belong to Graham; her memory held so many images of her there. Seeing Annas response the first time she asked her, Lauren never asked her again.
Anna enjoyed their time together, coming to value their relationship immensely. She would not speak of her past, and Lauren did not press her. When they parted, Lauren kissed her lightly on the cheek. It didnt escape Annas notice that occasionally Lauren would look at her with a question in her eyes, but Anna never felt pressured to move their relationship onto a more intimate level. Anna hoped that their friendship was as rewarding to Lauren as it had come to be to her.
Early one morning the phone on her desk rang. It was Lauren.
"Can I see you in my office for a minute?"
"Ill be right there," Anna replied, rolling up the plan she had been working on.
When Anna entered, Lauren motioned for Anna to join her at the large drafting table situated before the enormous windows overlooking the Boston Commons. She indicated a layout pinned to the board. She was clearly excited.
"The Randolph renovations have progressed exceptionally well. The article featuring our work in the Times last weekend has really fostered interest in estate reclamation. This area is ripe for it. I think its time to push the promotional we discussed when you first interviewed. Id like to use your work at Yardley as the centerpiece. Its one of the oldest estates on the Cape and will be easily recognized by prospective clients. Since Yardley is so well known to you, and the concept of marketing estate landscape restoration is really yours as well, Id like you to oversee the project. Well need detailed plans, as well as photodocumentation. I want you to put your other projects on hold until this is off the ground."
Anna stood stunned and speechless, while Lauren looked at her expectantly. Of course she should be honored that Lauren would entrust such an important project to her direction, and it was what she had been training to dobut, oh god, not at Yardley! Her composure threatened to give way under a wave of panic.
"I cant," she finally whispered.
Lauren stared at her in astonishment. "What do you mean, you cant? Is it because of your thesis? I thought you had that nearly wrapped up."
"No," Anna forced herself to say calmly. "Ill work on the promotionalanything else you want. Anything. But I cant do the work on Yardley."
"But Anna, I want Yardley as the main work. Thats where I need you!"
Anna passed a trembling hand across her face, trying to gather her wits. Just the mention of Yardley had brought a flood of memories, and such pain she thought she might be ill. God, what would she do if she actually had to see Graham? It was impossible! She couldnt do it!
"Anna, were friends. Tell me what this is all about." Lauren laid her hand gently on Annas arm, her concern genuine. Anna was trembling.
Anna turned to face her, an agony of despair clearly visible. Lauren had never seen such desolation, and her heart surged with compassion.
"Tell me, sweetheart."
"I cant go back to Yardley," Anna said at last, her voice shaking.
"Why not?"
"Graham" Anna began, barely able to say her name. "I cant see her. I cant." She looked at Lauren pleadingly. "Please dont ask me to, Lauren. It would kill me."
Lauren studied her for long moments, the pieces slowly falling into place. She knew that Anna had lived at Yardley but had never given it any thought. Now Annas isolation and depression were more understandable.
"Graham Yardley - the composer," Lauren said softly. "Shes the woman youre in love with, isnt she?"
Anna closed her eyes, trying to stem the tears, failing. "Yes," she choked out, turning from
her friend, struggling for control. She felt a tender hand on her shoulder, heard a soft voice murmur her name, and she turned into the arms that waited for her. Lauren held her gently, letting her cry, not trying to tell her it as all right when it so obviously wasnt. At length Anna drew away, fumbling for a tissue, embarrassed.
"Im sorry," she said. "I didnt expect this - if I dont think about her, I seem to be able to manage. You took me by surprise."
Lauren let out a long breath. "Anna, youve always been honest with me and I care about you. I dont want to see you suffer like this any longer, and Ill admit not all of my reasons are selfless ones. I wont pretend that I dont want more from our relationship, but this isnt about that. This is destroying you. You need to give her upyou have the rest of your life, dont allow it to be an empty one. Maybe if you work on the project, it will help you heal."
Anna laughed almost hysterically. "Heal? You cant heal whats already dead, and thats what I am inside, Lauren. Dead. All Im trying to do now is make it from day to day. If I have to see Graham, I wont even be able to do that! Shes not something I can just give up! Shes in every part of me. You cant imagine what being near her is like for me!"
Lauren winced at the truth of Annas words. It wasnt easy to be faced with the extent of Annas passion for another woman, but nevertheless her tone was kind as she offered, "You wont have to see her. She isnt there."
Anna grasped the edge of the table, her head suddenly light. "Oh, dear god, has something happened to her? Is she all right?"
"As far as I know, she is. David Norcross told me that no one had been in residence at Yardley since last fall, but that he would provide us with keys if we needed access." Seeing the look of panic on Annas face, she added gently, "Thats really all I know."
Anna forced down the surge of panic. "I cant make a decision about this now, Lauren. Give me a little timejust a few day, please."
