by Annie Harper
“Thanks.” I responded quietly. “You are too. I told my dad that I met the most handsome man in the world the other day, to be honest.”
Alex snorted and laughed out loud. “Me? Stop it.”
“No, really. I did.”
I couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth. Had I been secretly abducted by aliens and replaced with a confident robot version of myself?
Alex said, “Okay, so we’ve established that we each find the other attractive. What do we do next? I propose that we find somewhere to get coffee and go to the beach to talk more. I’ll give you a ride home—if that’s good for you?”
I texted J.P. to tell him where were going, and we went to the parking lot. For some reason, I’d assumed that he’d have a really nice, fancy car—but it wasn’t at all. In fact, it gave my crappy Camry a run for its money. The blue Prizm had to be at least fifteen years old and it was covered in bumper stickers and large patches of rust.
“I saved up for two summers to buy this car.” Alex said. “It’s not the nicest, but it gets me where I need to go.”
I told Alex about my beater car as we drove to Starbucks. As he turned out of the parking lot, I could barely sit still knowing that the boy I liked was driving me around. It felt like a Technicolor dream—one I never wanted to wake up from. I tried not to fidget too much and clasped my hands in my lap. We chatted as we drove, and I learned that Alex was on the Cape for the summer with his family and that he was from Cambridge, about an hour and a half away from Oceanside.
At Starbucks, he opened my door for me.
“How chivalrous of you,” I said.
“You know what they said about chivalry not being dead and all.”
We placed our drink orders and talked as we waited for them to be made. Alex asked me a few questions about growing up in Oceanside and what I want to be when I grow up. He was so easy to talk to—I was surprised to find my answers coming quickly and my words flowing well. I don’t like being the center of attention—I prefer hanging around on the sidelines, listening.
After we left the coffee shop, I came clean about my disdain for beaches and Alex asked me why I disliked them.
“Sand. It gets everywhere—in your hair, ears, under your bathing suit. I hate it.” I replied. “Plus tourists. They drive me crazy…”
Alex was a tourist. I had really put my foot in it.
“Er, not all tourists are bad, I mean, you are a cool tourist,” I said.
Alex just laughed and pulled into a parking lot. “Let’s go hang out by the water. I’ve got a blanket in the trunk. I promise it won’t be too bad. I’ll try and protect you from the big, bad, sand.”
I smiled and got out of the car. I was willing to follow him anywhere—sand or no sand. Alex grabbed the blanket and began to make his way down to the beach. The water was calm, and it was just warm enough to be comfortable in a T-shirt. A slight breeze ruffled the rushes in the dunes near the road. I pulled off my shoes and socks. My sensitive feet protested as I made my way over the rocky foreshore.
“It’s so gorgeous here,” he said, as he spread out the wooly blanket on fine sand closer to the water. He plopped down in an ungainly heap and motioned for me to join him. I sat down more carefully to avoid getting sand all over the place.
“It is pretty,” I said.
Alex leaned back on his elbows. “So, you don’t like seafood, the beach or tourists. What do you like Carter?”
I told myself: Be brave, Carter.
“You.”
Alex was silent for a moment before he sat up and reached over to me, putting his hands on my face.
“I like you, too,” he said. Time seemed to stop as he moved his face closer to me. Suddenly, his lips met mine. Everything was muted and loud at the same time. Alex opened his mouth slightly and his tongue made its way into my mouth. I kept thinking, I’m kissing a boy. Me. Kissing a boy. I kissed him back and dared to move my tongue against his. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms. I never wanted it to end, but eventually, Alex pulled away.
“That was amazing—you’re really good at that,” he said.
I stared at him. “I’ve never done that before.”
“Well, you’re a quick study.”
I sat back and wrapped my arms around my knees. I was going to have to tell him about being trans, especially if things like kissing were going to happen.
Alex looked concerned. “Hey? You okay? Was that too soon?”
“No, it just took me by surprise. It was great.”
“Then why do you look so bummed out?” Alex asked.
Shit, shit, shit. I had to reveal my secret—I had to just be brave and blurt it out. I feared that Alex would run away, thinking I was a freak or something. Even though most people know I’m trans in Oceanside, when I meet new people I have to come out all over again. It’s frustrating and difficult. Alex was more than just some random person. How he responded really mattered.
I took a deep breath and said, “Alex, I have to tell you something.”
He slid over next to me, his side against mine, and asked, “What is it, Carter? I won’t judge, no matter what it is.”
“I… I, um, I’m transgender,” I said quietly.
Alex was silent for a moment—kind of like all of you right now! I figured he was about to get angry or upset. I didn’t know if he even knew what the word transgender meant—sometimes people don’t.
“It means that I was assigned female at birth…”
“And you don’t feel like that fits,” he finished for me. “I know what transgender means, Carter.”
I stared at him.
“Are you upset with me?”
“No, I’m just a little surprised is all. I had no idea,” Alex said. “Give me a second to process?”
“Sure.”
We both just sat silently. I stared out into the waves and wondered what he was thinking. I thought about the transgender men pictured in the book at Oliver’s Bookshop. Did they find love? What happened when they put themselves out there and told the truth to someone who was interested in them? Were they scared? Were they rejected?
Then Alex said, “I’ve only been with guys, Carter. Shit, I’m not trying to say you’re not a guy. This isn’t coming out the way I mean it to—I’m just… this is new for me. I am really attracted to you, and the fact that you have different, um, bits, is just making me feel a little bit weird.”
“Alex, you can just take me home or whatever—I’d understand.”
Disappointment hit me like a truck. I had always known I’d have to disclose my trans status to potential boyfriends—but I didn’t think I’d have a boyfriend for a long time. I didn’t think it would be that night.
Alex reached for my hand. “Carter, I don’t want to take you home. I want to be here with you.”
That was not where I thought things were going to go. My stomach swooped.
“You sure?” I asked.
“Absolutely. I want to get to know you. I want to hear your stories and find out what makes you tick. I don’t know enough random facts about you yet.”
Alex squeezed my hand, and turned to me. “C’mere,” Alex murmured, bringing his lips to mine.
His lips were so soft. I moaned softly. Delicious sensations gave me goose bumps as I pressed my mouth to his. Tingles and heat bloomed in my belly.
Alex moved his hands up and cupped my face as we kissed. I put my arms around his waist and leaned into him. Alex moaned too—making me feel less awkward.
When we finally broke apart, we were both breathing heavily.
“That was the best five minutes of my life,” I said.
Alex smiled broadly. “I’d have to agree with you—they were most excellent minutes.”
Alex turned and lay on his back. I flopped down and rolled onto my back. Alex grabbed my hand.
“Let’s lie here and stare at the stars for a few minutes; we can ponder the mysteries of the universe together,” Alex said.
I laughe
d. “Ponder the mysteries, eh?”
So we did. Quiet moments ticked by, and I thought about all that had happened in the last few hours. My mystery man was a mystery no longer. I was still just as intrigued however, and couldn’t wait to know more. I’d come out to him and he hadn’t run.
“So, what happens now?” I asked.
Alex turned and looked at me. “We stay here for a little while longer, tell each other more stuff about ourselves and maybe kiss some more?”
I had to hand it to him—he sure was a charming guy. I was definitely under his spell. I squeezed his hand.
“So, this plan works for you?” Alex asked.
I grinned at him. “Yeah, it absolutely does—especially the part about maybe kissing some more.”
“Well, you’d better get over here then.”
I moved into his arms and couldn’t remember ever feeling so safe and secure. It was so weird, I’d only just met Alex, but I already could trust him implicitly. As we kissed, the world melted away, and nothing else mattered—it was just the two of us, together.
Unfortunately, reality came crashing down when my phone wouldn’t stop buzzing. I grabbed it and checked the screen—five missed messages, two from J.P. and three from my parents, all of them wondering where I was. I checked the time and was amazed to find that it was almost one in the morning. My parents were pretty relaxed about a curfew, but one was pushing it, especially since I had to work the next morning.
“Alex, I’ve got to go home. I’m sorry, but I’ve got work early tomorrow,” I told him, feeling more disappointed than I had in a long time.
Alex hugged me gently and kissed the top of my head.
“Ok, I get it. It is getting late. C’mon Mr. ‘Hates The Beach,’ let’s go.”
We shook the blanket free of sand and made for the car. I stopped at the curb to brush off my feet and put my shoes back on.
When I got into the car, Alex was fiddling with the radio. “What’s your favorite kind of music?” he asked. “I’m trying to find something good for us to listen to on the way to your house, but I’m not sure what kind of music you like.”
“I love me some top forty, but I’m also really into—don’t laugh, musicals.”
“I will completely not laugh. As a matter of fact, not only do I also love them, but I drive my family nuts singing show tunes in the shower ” Alex said.
“I did a ton of singing in school; I made all-state for chorus my senior year.”
“Well, let’s see what we can find on the radio to sing along with.”
Alex found a brand-new Adele song, and soon we were singing at the tops of our voices. More songs came on that we both knew, and it was great belting them out with him. I stopped singing only to give him directions. When we pulled into my driveway, I noticed the living room light was on—meaning at least one of my parents was up waiting for me to get home.
The dashboard clock read almost two a.m.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” I asked.
“Yep, assuming you’re going to give me your cell phone number,” Alex said, smiling.
God, his smile. I could just stare at it for hours. But, I had to break the spell. We exchanged numbers.
“I’m going to call you after work tomorrow, okay?”
“Definitely,” Alex said. “You’d better.”
I so didn’t want to leave his car. It took all my willpower to open the door.
“Thanks for an awesome night,” I said.
“You too.”
As I slid out of the car, Alex grabbed my hand and kissed it.
“Thanks for being so honest, Carter—it means a lot. I hope my reaction was okay?”
His reaction couldn’t have been better. “No, you were great, Alex—thanks so much for listening and being so accepting.”
He blushed. “I’m glad you feel at ease.”
I did. It was amazing to know that I didn’t have to come out to him—I’d already done it. That he was sticking around even though I’m trans blew me away. I almost cried. For such a long time, dating had been an impossible dream. I’ve always been proud of who I am, but at that moment, I was even more proud. I had told him the truth, exposed my big secret and things had worked out in my favor. I was no longer too different and weird, I was a person worthy of care and love. I finally got to experience sweaty palms, racing heartbeats, nervousness, first kisses—all the normal teenage stuff.
The front porch light flicked on and off. “Okay, really have to go now.”
“Right—that light means business. Just know that I’d be kissing you right now if parents weren’t looming.”
“Excellent,” I said and turned to make way into the house. “Goodnight, my friend.”
“Goodnight,” Alex called softly.
As Alex pulled out of the driveway, I stared after his car as he drove away, then sighed deeply as I opened the front door.
Mom and Dad were up. Super. Mom was on the couch with her feet up and Dad was sitting in the reclining chair.
“Hello, Mister. It’s two in the morning,” Mom said.
“I know, Mother. I’m sorry it’s so late.”
“Mother?” she said.
“Well, Mister is so formal,” I replied.
“Hardee-har-har,” she said.
“What’s up with the lateness, Carter?” Dad asked. “You’re usually so much better about texting or calling when you’re going to be so late.”
“I’m sorry, guys. I just… I just had the best night of in the history of nights”
They both stared at me.
“I’m never washing my hand or my lips ever again. I don’t care—never again,” I said. “Dad, remember I told you about the most handsome man in the world? Well, his name is Alex. He’s a sophomore at BU and he likes me. He like likes me. Oh, my God, I can’t believe it.”
Dad and Mom both grinned.
“So, there was kissing involved, I’m guessing.” Dad said.
“Yep. Kissing more than one time.”
“Oh, Carter, I’m very glad for you,” Mom said.
“I met him at the dance; we went out for coffee and then hung out on the beach and talked and… stuff,” I said. “I came out to him, too. He was a little taken aback, but he mostly took it in stride. Honestly, he was pretty great about it. I was so freaked out thinking he was going to freak out.”
“Is he staying down here long?” Dad asked.
“For the whole summer.”
“Carter, that’s just great!” Dad exclaimed.
I floated up the stairs to my bedroom. I still couldn’t believe the amazing night. My mystery man was real—and he wanted to really know me. That was awesome. Even though I had to get up in just a few short hours, I lay in my bed, unable to sleep.
The next morning when I showed up to work, J.P. came rushing over to me.
“Oh. My. God. Carter Stone, you need to tell me everything. Everything.”
Joe appeared around the corner. “You can tell him everything after you get over here and help this line of customers.” Joe really knew how to ruin a party.
All day long, the lines wouldn’t stop—and I didn’t have time to tell J.P. anything at all. It was torture waiting to tell my best friend my stories. Finally, a late afternoon thunderstorm drove everyone from the beach and we had a chance to talk.
“So?” J.P. said, sitting on the counter.
“So?”
“Stop it! If you don’t spill it, I’m going to kill you,” he said, holding up his fists.
I beamed.
“I came out to him! I told him I’m trans. He only took a couple of minutes to get used to the idea. You’ve listened to me worry about this stuff for forever, and I finally had to just take a deep breath and do it. I thought I was gonna die, but I didn’t. He really likes me for me, you know? We kissed more than once. He’s great at it!”
J.P. smiled his biggest smile.
“He smells really good, his hands are really soft, his hair is perfect,
he held my car door open for me, his laugh is awesome and I still can’t believe that he likes me. Man, thank you so much for always listening to me. You’re the best friend a guy could have.”
“Carter, I’ve been telling you how great you are for years. Can you maybe believe me just a little bit?”
For the first time, I actually did—it was amazing.
I barely remember driving home. I knew that I would talk to Alex soon and I could hardly contain my excitement. I hurried through the kitchen, telling Mom and Dad that I couldn’t talk—I needed to make an important phone call. Mom gave me a knowing glance, and Dad gave me a quick high-five.
I sat down on my bed and looked at my phone; my hands were shaking. My stomach flip-flopped. Just as I was going to enter his number, my phone rang. Of course, it was Alex.
“Hey.”
“Hey, yourself,” Alex said. “How was your day? I know you didn’t get much rest last night. Sorry I got you home so late.”
“Oh, don’t even worry about that, it was so worth losing sleep.”
“I thought about you all day, just so you know.”
I was so relieved to hear that he wasn’t the only one.
“Me too,” I said and warmth flooded my cheeks. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you either.”
Alex laughed softly. “Glad to know I’m not alone.”
“Alex? I want to know everything about you.”
“I want to learn everything about you too, Carter. Where should we start?”
We talked for hours—through dinner, Hannah’s bedtime and all the way into the wee hours of the morning. We laughed a lot and cried a couple of times as we shared our stories. We—oh wait. I see Doctor Martinez giving me a one-minute warning so I’ll try to wrap things up.
“My First Love” is a great topic and it’s been a lot of fun talking to you all today. That terribly lonely and confused fourteen-year old sitting in a rickety chair in Oliver’s Bookshop would never believe that, in a few short years, he’d be an out and proud transgender man speaking in front of a group like this one. Look around, there are so many faces in this room—and we all know what it’s like being LGBT. I love being a part of this community. I’m not the only trans person around anymore. Life here at BU has been a whirlwind of changes, but I’m enjoying every minute of them.
