by Jane Peden
“Camilla? Are you about ready?” She started guiltily when she heard Sam’s voice and quickly flushed the toilet, stuffing the used tests back into the bag and shoving it to the bottom of the bathroom wastebasket.
“I’ll be right there,” she said, taking a minute to smooth her hair. She felt mildly queasy. Well, at least she knew the reason for it.
It was the day of the annual law firm regatta, an event Sam and his partners hosted for their entire office staff and family members once a year. All the boats would sail across Biscayne Bay, but the real competition was among Sam, Jonathon, and Ritchie. Olivia had told her there were jokes in the office that paralegals and young lawyers were hired by Jonathon more for their nautical abilities than their legal skills.
This event gave a new meaning to the term team-building. Camilla was surprised how absolutely serious everyone from the firm—including spouses and children and a few “cousins” she strongly suspected were brought in as ringers—took the event. And how much fun they all had while being supercompetitive. Despite her queasy stomach, Camilla couldn’t resist climbing on board with Sam and Olivia and JD. Sam’s assistant and her fiancé were also on their boat, rounding out the crew of six. There were twelve boats altogether, their white sails flapping as they headed out across Biscayne Bay, the towering buildings of downtown Miami in the background.
Camilla settled into a comfortable deck chair at the rear of the boat, her main job being to keep JD, in his bright orange life jacket and new white-soled boat shoes that matched Sam’s, out of harm’s way. The water surface sparkled as if handfuls of diamonds had been scattered across it, and the white spray flew into the air as their sailboat cut sleekly across the glassy surface. Sam looked toned and tanned and as at home on the water as he was in the courtroom, and she felt such a strong stab of desire that she had to look away.
The less stalwart members of the group had remained on shore to watch the competition through binoculars. As the water got a little choppier and her stomach lurched, Camilla started to think maybe she should have joined them. Then the sails snapped in the wind, filled with air, and the boat tilted slightly and took off like a shot. She caught her hat just in time and JD screamed with delight.
“It’s so fast, Mommy, fast, fast, fast!” he squealed, and she held on to his squirming little body, while adrenaline surged through her veins. Sam turned back toward them and laughed, and a warm glow washed over her. Olivia’s face was bright with excitement. Sam yelled and pointed and she looked to the side, slightly ahead of them. They were gaining on Jonathon’s boat.
They battled it out for the next forty-five minutes, trading the lead back and forth, the ten other sailboats trailing behind them. When they got to the final straightaway Sam took her hand, pulling her up out of the chair.
“Wait, JD—”
“Got him, sis,” Olivia said, kneeling down to wrap her arms around her little nephew and point over to Jonathon’s boat, which was so close to their side that they could see the expressions of grim determination on the faces of the crew.
Sam pulled Camilla up to the wheel, and the captain relinquished it. Sam put Camilla in front of him, placing her hands on the wheel under his, the strong length of his body pressing against her back.
“No, Sam, we’ve almost won, I can’t—”
“Just hold the wheel steady, love, there’s nothing we can do but rely on the wind now.”
She kept her grip firm, looking to the side to see they were neck and neck with Jonathon. The wind was whipping her face, and despite its chill she felt warm all over and her heart beat a foolish patter simply because he casually called her “love.” Everywhere their skin touched her body felt energized. Her legs grazed his; his arms bracketed and steadied her, melding them together as if they were one person. She leaned back against his chest and tightened her grip on the wheel.
“That’s it,” he said.
She could feel Sam’s strength behind her, surrounding her and supporting her, and the boat seemed almost to take flight.
They finished just a fraction of a second behind Jonathon, leaving his unblemished record intact.
“Oh, well,” Sam said, as the rest of the crew moaned in disappointment. “There’s always next year.”
Camilla leaned back and tilted her head up. “I’m sorry, Sam,” she said.
But he just pulled her closer and leaned his own head down so she felt his warm breath on her neck.
“It’s all right,” Sam said, his voice suddenly tender. “I’ve already won.”
Before she could ask him what he meant, JD was bouncing up beside them, and Jonathon was shouting something from the other boat about second place being quite a good showing for a bunch of landlubbers.
Sam was a good sport posing with his second-place trophy—dwarfed by the monstrosity in Jonathon’s hands—and then they all gathered at the waterfront restaurant.
Unfortunately, even the sight of the seafood buffet wasn’t sitting well with Camilla, and she begged off the glass of champagne Sam offered her and excused herself, claiming the sailboat had made her a little seasick. He frowned after her for a moment, but then got pulled into a heated debate about some rival sports teams. Hopefully, Camilla thought, he wouldn’t notice if she was missing for a while.
She looked in the mirror of the ladies’ room, wet one of the fancy paper towels, then held it across her forehead. Her face looked white and she’d started breaking out in a cold sweat.
She dampened a fresh paper towel and sat on a little couch for a while, closing her eyes and letting the nausea recede. She was there about fifteen minutes and, fortunately, only interrupted once as a woman hurried a little girl into one of the stalls.
“Seasick,” Camilla murmured when the woman came out of the stall, and the young mother nodded sympathetically.
Camilla was pleased with herself when she emerged, looking and feeling refreshed, and saw Sam across the room entertaining JD and some other kids. Good. She hadn’t been missed.
She turned and walked straight into someone, felt a man’s solid chest and a hand under her elbow, steadying her.
“Hey, slow down.” It was Ritchie.
“Sorry, excuse me,” she smiled, and tried to walk around him, but he was still holding on to her elbow. He slipped his arm through hers.
“Why don’t we take a walk outside? You look like you could use some air.”
“All right,” she said, while her mind was swirling. Had he noticed how long she was in the ladies’ room? What could one of Sam’s partners want to say to her?
He steered her out to the terrace and they stood by the railing, looking out at the stunning view of Biscayne Bay and the little fleet of sailboats standing by at anchor.
“So does Sam know?”
Her heart started to pound. “Know what?”
He turned around, leaning against the railing to look at her. “Don’t play games with me, Camilla. Does Sam know you’re pregnant?”
“How did you guess?” She heard her voice come out in a whisper, and her knees felt unsteady.
“I have five sisters. Five. And among them, thirteen nieces and nephews. That’s thirteen times I’ve watched women in my family turn white and shaky at the sight of food. I watched you nibbling plain crackers, turn down a glass of champagne, and disappear into the ladies’ room for twenty minutes. And if I wasn’t sure before, the look on your face right now is telling me I’m right.”
“I haven’t told Sam yet.” She grabbed his arm. “Please, Ritchie, I know he’s your partner, but please, please don’t tell him.”
“I’m his partner, but you’re his wife. That relationship means more to me than to some people.”
She felt her eyes tearing up. He knew she’d entered into a mockery of a marriage, and it offended him. What must he think of her now, as she stood here begging him not to tell her own husband that she was pregnant.
“Camilla, look at me.” He waited until she did.
“How do really feel
about Sam?”
“I love him,” she said simply. “I love him with all my heart.”
“Then tell him, Camilla. Tell him soon before he finds out for himself. He’s not a very forgiving man. There are reasons for that.”
“I know. I’m part of the reason.”
“Maybe a small part,” he allowed. “But it goes back long before he ever met you.”
She knew it was true. It was why he’d reacted so strongly when he found out Olivia was at a boarding school. Her heart ached for the little boy Sam had once been, rejected by his father and shuffled away by his mother and her new husband.
“He told me how he grew up.” She sighed. “You and Jonathon have been his family.”
They stood there silently for a while and Ritchie turned back to study another group of sailboats far out in the bay.
“You brought him a real family, Camilla.”
“He’ll think I tried to trap him. I didn’t. It was an accident.”
Ritchie nodded. “The worst thing you can do is hide it from him.”
“It’s hopeless.”
“When there’s love, it’s never hopeless. And marriage is a sacrament. Whether you believe it or not, God also stands behind you and the vows you made.”
Camilla heard the door to the banquet room open and close, and turned to see Sam walking toward them.
“There you are,” he said to Camilla, his eyes warming. “I wondered where you’d gotten off to.”
“Just enjoying the view,” Ritchie said.
Sam gave him a measured look. “Well, make sure it’s that view you’re enjoying,” he said, gesturing toward the water. He turned his gaze on Camilla’s face, reached out, and cupped the side of her jaw with his hand. “It’s my privilege to enjoy this one.”
“Well, I’ll take that as my signal to go back inside and look around for some single women who appreciate my charm,” Ritchie said.
Camilla leaned forward and rested her head on Sam’s shoulder. Ritchie turned before he opened the doors and gave her a long look, then went back inside.
“Feeling better?” Sam asked. “I should have warned you that sailing is a lot different from riding on a yacht. You need to get your sea legs.”
“I feel a lot better now,” Camilla said. “But I’m tired.”
“Nothing a nice long nap with your husband wouldn’t cure,” Sam said, pulling back to look in her face and wink at her rakishly.
“Do you ever think of anything else?” Camilla laughed.
“Not when I’m around you.”
She sighed and let herself settle back into the comfort of his arms for a few moments before they went back inside. She hoped he’d still have these feelings for her once he knew the truth. But every scenario she played out in her head ended the same way. And it wasn’t a happy ending.
Chapter Eighteen
Sam woke up early the next morning energized. It was barely six o’clock, and he could spend some time in the office and be back before the rest of the family woke up.
He quietly slipped out of bed and left Camilla sleeping, her silky hair splayed across the pillow, her face looking younger and more innocent somehow. And he felt a sudden wave of tenderness come over him. Spending time with Camilla and Olivia and JD at the firm outing had given him a taste of what he’d been missing. It was Sunday. And he intended to spend at least a part of it doing the kinds of things that other families did.
As usual, he got caught up in more things than anticipated at the office, and by the time he got back home with a bag full of bagels and Camilla’s favorite latte, it was already after ten. He should have called, or at least texted. They’d probably had breakfast already and were not even home anymore. So much for his surprise brunch.
He set the bag of bagels on the kitchen island, then saw Olivia out by the pool Skyping with one of her friends. She waved at him cheerfully, then turned back to the screen. When he’d seen her yesterday hanging out with the other teenage family members of his office staff, he’d felt guilty that he hadn’t done anything to help her meet kids her own age before that. Skype and Instagram and texting were all well and good, but she should be going to the movies, hanging out at the mall, playing volleyball at the beach, not spending all her time in his office or up in her room. He resolved to do better.
“JD?” He called out when he didn’t see him anywhere downstairs.
“I’m up here,” JD answered, and Sam carried Camilla’s latte upstairs, stopping to poke his head in JD’s room.
“Shhhh,” JD said, putting his finger to his lips. “Mommy’s still sleeping.”
“Really?” Sam was glad she hadn’t been sitting around impatiently waiting for the feast of bagels he’d promised last night. But he was a little worried she seemed tired a lot lately. And the extra stress he’d added to her life from the way he’d treated her since the wedding probably hadn’t helped any.
JD was sitting on the bottom bunk of his pirate ship bed, still dressed in his pajamas, holding his iPad on his lap.
“What are you looking at?”
JD looked up. “Livvy put the pictures on from the boats yesterday. Wanna see?”
“Sure,” Sam said, and JD scooted over on the bed to make room for him. Sam ducked his head to sit down beside him, then put his arm around JD’s shoulders.
The screen was on slide show mode, and Sam watched, laughing out loud at the shots of JD posing on the deck with his hands on his hips, and later ones of himself tossing JD up into the air, the boy’s face shining with excitement. There was one of Camilla, standing at the railing on the terrace, her face partially turned away from the camera, gazing out at the horizon, so hauntingly beautiful in that moment that she took his breath away.
“There’s Mommy,” JD announced. “Isn’t she pretty?”
Sam just nodded and gave him a squeeze. The words seemed to have dried up in his throat.
“Look, there’s Livvy—she was chasing us kids,” JD said, and started to giggle. “Livvy the sea monster.”
The slide show ended, and Sam looked at the other icons on the screen. “What’s this one?” he asked, pointing.
“Oh, that’s when Mommy and Livvy and me went to Disney.”
JD clicked on that file and treated Sam to a running narration, replaying their entire day ending with a video of the fireworks display that was really too dark to see, but hearing JD’s excited voice in the background of the video made it worthwhile anyway. Sam had sent them away because at the time he didn’t want to be in the same room with Camilla. Now he wished he’d been with them for JD’s first visit to Disney. He determined that he would be there for all the rest of the milestones in JD’s life, starting with the first day of kindergarten this fall.
Sam had a sudden thought. “Do you have any more videos of you? Like when you were little?”
“Like baby stuff? Nah,” JD said. “Mommy has lots, though. She’ll show you.”
“Okay.”
JD looked up at him shyly. “I could show you my other daddy, though. I mean, if you want to.” He looked down at his feet dangling from the bed, and shrugged in a perfect imitation of Olivia.
“Sure,” Sam said, although he wasn’t so sure how he felt about seeing pictures of his son with his other “daddy.”
“Okay.” JD wiggled in closer to Sam. “I like this one,” he said, clicking on an icon. “It’s a funny movie Livvy took.”
Sam had to look closer to recognize the man in the wheelchair as the invalid he’d seen in news photos from shortly after Danny’s accident. This man looked nothing like an invalid, and nothing like the bitter person Olivia had described visiting her in the rehab center.
He looked strong and confident and…happy.
A younger JD was running beside the man in the wheelchair, and the man in the wheelchair was chasing Camilla around a lavishly furnished living room, finally trapping her between a piece of furniture and the wall, and pulling her into his lap.
The way he was kissing his wife
wasn’t like an invalid.
The littler version of JD put his hands over his face and protested, “Ewww!!! Kissy stuff!” Then Danny had reached out and snatched him up in between them and he and Camilla were both covering the little boy’s face with loud kisses. Danny looked up and said, “Get over here, Olivia!”
“Yeah,” Camilla said, “group hug!”
Then Olivia’s voice saying, “You guys are so lame.” But the camera wavered and then shut off, and the picture Sam had of the four of them together was as vivid in his mind as if the video had continued. Camilla really had loved her husband. He felt a sudden stab of jealously at the sense of intimacy they projected in the short, silly little video. Then thought, How ridiculous can you be? You’re jealous of a dead man.
“You don’t think he’s mad, do you?” JD was looking up at Sam with big eyes.
“What? Do I think who’s mad?” Sam asked.
“My old daddy,” JD said, his eyes filling up. “You don’t think he’s mad I got another daddy, do you?”
Sam reached over and hugged the little boy, pulling him onto his lap. “No, I don’t think he’s mad.” He pictured the light shining in the other man’s eyes as he held the woman who was now Sam’s wife, and looked down at the little boy who had always been Sam’s son.
“I think your old daddy is very happy that you have a new daddy who loves you as much as I do.”
JD sighed and snuggled his head against Sam’s shoulder.
“Sam?”
“Yes, JD?”
“You think sometimes it would be okay if I called you Daddy, too?”
Sam felt his throat constrict. “I think that would be just fine.”
Chapter Nineteen
Camilla breathed deeply as she opened her eyes. Vanilla latte.
“So you finally woke up.”
She sat up against the pillows and waited for the usual wave of nausea to hit, and was pleasantly surprised that, at least for the moment, she felt okay.
