by Joan Kilby
Fear entered her heart. End it? “I don’t understand.”
With gentle fingers, he smoothed the hair off her face. “To survive, we need to expand, make our relationship bigger, make our love bigger, so that it’s a place of nurture and refuge. What do you say we have a fresh start? Renew our vows.”
“You mean, get married again?” Tears welled in Kelly’s eyes.
He nodded. “As a symbol of our willingness to keep our marriage, not just intact, but strong.”
He was so noble, so strong and generous. While she kept secrets, he opened his heart. There was no question she wanted their marriage to strengthen and grow. Yet however guilty she felt about not telling him she was pregnant, doing so would commit her to having the baby. Part of her wanted another child, but she was still torn by her desire for a career. And she was afraid of Max’s disappointment if they had another girl. He had to get over his need for a son of his own. Although she couldn’t make that happen, she could love and nurture him. Provide that place of refuge.
Summoning a smile, she said, “Yes, Max. I’ll marry you again—gladly.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
MAX FOLLOWED THE WOMAN he loved into the house. They’d stopped at Ruth’s on their way home to pick up Kelly’s things and now he carried his wife’s bulging suitcases in from the car. No burden ever felt so light; no task was ever performed with such joy. Kelly was home to stay.
He was frustrated she was still stalling on having another baby, but the important thing was her willingness to give their marriage another chance.
Robyn, Beth, Tina and Tammy greeted them at the door with smiles and hugs. Although they’d seen Kelly every day during her time at Ruth’s, they seemed to sense that this homecoming was different. The faint atmosphere of gloom that had descended over the house while she’d been away lifted, and celebration was in the air.
Max noticed that Randall, possibly still unsure of his welcome, hung back, allowing Kelly time with her daughters. Kelly went up to him with a warm smile and gave him a big hug. Blushing furiously, Randall awkwardly hugged her back. Max heaved an inward sigh of deep relief.
A little while later he stretched out on the bed, arms behind his head, and watched her rehang her clothes. Deeply content, for once he didn’t mind that she was crowding his pants and jackets into the nether regions of the closet.
“Even though I didn’t win the Stonington, the nomination will no doubt result in more high-end work,” he said. “I’ve been thinking, and I reckon it’s time I leased offices in town and hired permanent help.”
“That’s an excellent idea,” Kelly said, pinning a skirt to a hanger. “First thing tomorrow I’ll go over our listings and see what’s available. I know there’s nothing in Hainesville at the moment, but there’s this cute older house in Simcoe, near the center of town which you could convert into offices.”
“I like the sound of an older house, something with character and style. I’ll come in with you tomorrow and check it out.” He paused. “You could take over my home office if you want. Or at least share it.”
She cocked him a puzzled smile. “What would I need an office for?”
“To run your own real estate business from home?”
“Wouldn’t work,” she said, shaking her head. “Selling real estate relies on people walking past and seeing photos of the listings in the window.” She took shoes from a plastic bag in her suitcase and placed them on the rack in her closet. “However,” she added thoughtfully, “I might do something about turning my dried flowers into a business.”
Max nodded. “That’s an idea. People are always coming to you for dried flowers for crafts, or wanting you to make them arrangements. Why not cash in on your talent?”
“Randall was the one who suggested it initially,” she explained. “At the time I wasn’t inclined to listen to anything he said, but it could be a viable sideline.”
“Or an alternative to real estate,” Max suggested. When her expression hardened, he added, “You can’t do everything, Kel. Please think about getting a cleaning lady in once or twice a week.”
Kelly zipped up her empty suitcase and set it near the door, to be taken out to the garage. They were back at that. “I’m not going to pay for something I can do myself,” she reiterated.
Frowning, Max said, “When will you stop trying to be a supermom?”
To his surprise, a look of sadness swept across her face. “I’m not a supermom.” Then, before he could ask what she meant, her mood brightened. “Hey, when do you want to tell the kids we’re renewing our vows?”
Max sprang off the bed. “Let’s do it now.”
KELLY AND MAX DECIDED to have the ceremony at home before the end of the month so Randall could be present. After the children got over their initial shock at their parents marrying again, they entered into preparations enthusiastically. Tina and Tammy were to be flower girls; they practiced strewing rose petals up an imaginary aisle so diligently that Kelly had to put a stop to it for fear there would be no roses left on the day. Beth took an interest in the menu and, under Kelly’s supervision, made a list of food items, divided into what Kelly could make and what had to be bought. To Kelly’s amusement, Robyn and Randall worked together on the invitations. Kelly assumed the invitations would be computer-generated; she was pleasantly surprised and touched when Randall hand-painted a design of their house entwined in a floral wreath and Robyn did the lettering with her calligraphy set. Then the pair got Max to take them to Simcoe to have the invitations printed.
When Kelly wasn’t showing properties she went to work developing her dried-flower business. First she got Randall to show her the Internet Web sites he’d found, then she studied them for ideas. Next, she asked Erin to help her draw up a business plan. When she was confident the enterprise was viable on a small scale, she got Oliver, her stepniece Miranda’s boyfriend, to photograph the different types of dried flowers and arrangements for inclusion in a print catalog and on the Web site Randall was designing for her.
On the rare occasions during all this frenetic activity when she paused to catch her breath, she experienced moments of panic at taking on too much. As a mother of four, one job was plenty, but two? And what if she ended up a mother of five? When her heart started to palpitate with anxiety and she got that sick feeling in her stomach she would get up and push on, not allowing herself to dwell on the what-ifs. Regarding her pregnancy, somehow everything had come to hinge on the ultrasound. When she had those results she would make decisions about the future. Until then, she was keeping her options open. And if, at the back of her mind, she was waiting to find out the baby’s gender, she didn’t like to admit it, not even to herself.
Max, meanwhile, took out a lease on the 1940s California bungalow on the edge of the business district in Simcoe. He contracted a builder to renovate and paid him to hire Randall as a sort of junior apprentice. Randall worked hard and willingly at any task set him and seemed as proud of the calluses forming on his hands as Max was of his efforts.
Two weeks before the ceremony, Kelly was in the kitchen when Max came home from work.
“How are the renovations going?” she asked, taking a tray out of the oven. Cooling on the counter were two dozen more miniquiches she’d made that afternoon to freeze for the reception.
“Excellent. I should be able to move in before the end of September.” He looped an arm around her waist and pulled her away from the counter and into his embrace. “You look tired, honey. You’re trying to do too much again. Why don’t you ask your sisters to help with the food. I’m sure they’d be only too glad to bring something.”
“They’re busy, too, with family and work of their own,” Kelly said. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll manage.”
“If you say so.” Max nuzzled her neck and slid his hands beneath her top. “I’ve been having this incredibly erotic fantasy about you all day. Come and I’ll show you.”
Kelly felt her body respond to his touch and pulled away. A few weeks
ago she would have dragged him off to the bedroom. Now she avoided sex in case he noticed the changes in her breasts as a result of pregnancy. She pushed damp hair off her forehead. “I think I need to sit down for a bit.”
Max frowned, studying her face. “Are you sure you’re all right, Kel? You look a bit pale. Will you be up to Latin dancing tonight?”
Oh, God. She’d forgotten about the dance lessons. She was so tired, emotionally and physically stretched to her limits. But she smiled. “Of course. I’m fine.”
“Want a glass of wine? I think there’s a bottle of Australian chardonnay in the fridge.”
“No, I can’t.” He glanced at her strangely and she patted her tummy, kicking herself for almost giving her condition away. “I…I’ve gained a couple of pounds lately. Got to watch my weight.”
His disbelieving laughter rang in her ears. “You’re on the go constantly. You’ve never had to watch your weight, even when you were pregnant. But never mind. I’ll have a beer and get you some iced mineral water. Then we’re going to go out on the patio and have a break.” Before he moved off to the fridge, he kissed her on the cheek. “Let’s have an early night.”
Kelly nodded and turned the oven off. With a welcome cold drink in hand, she joined Max on the patio, where they watched Randall and the girls playing horseshoes. Randall was teasing Robyn over a wild throw and she was laughing good-naturedly, insisting she could still win.
“The kids get along great now, don’t they?” Max said.
“They do,” Kelly admitted.
Max took her hand, rubbing his thumb across her skin, and Kelly smiled, her heart full. While staying at Gran’s, she’d missed family time even more than she’d expected. She was grateful beyond measure to be back with the people she loved.
“We’re so lucky, Max, to have beautiful, healthy children.” She blinked. “And each other.”
“I know.” His voice broke as he brought her hand to his lips. “Oh, sweetheart, don’t I know.”
Then Max glanced back to the children and a sigh lifted his chest. “I just wish Randall didn’t have to leave. I feel we’re all only just getting to know one another and in two weeks he’ll be gone.”
“He needs time with his parents before school starts.” Kelly added gently, “This isn’t his home.”
“I realize that.” Max sighed. “He’s really changed since he’s been here, though, hasn’t he? More relaxed and confident, more his own person. And I swear he’s grown over the summer. He’s certainly built up the muscles in his arms. He’s got a good eye, too. Look at how accurately he tossed that horseshoe.”
“He does look less like a computer nerd and more like a typical teenage boy,” Kelly agreed. “But there was nothing really wrong with him before he came here. It’s not your duty, or even your right, to change him.”
“Of course. But it’s been good for him to get to know the girls. I just wish my parents had taken an interest in him.”
“They’re coming to the ceremony, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
After that Max was silent so long she turned to look at him and was surprised to see his eyes full. “Max, what is it?”
“I’m going to miss him, Kelly. I’m just plain going to miss him.”
“RENEWING YOUR VOWS is such a romantic idea,” Geena said the next afternoon when she and Erin had dropped in for coffee. “I’m so glad you and Max worked everything out.”
“Yeah,” Kelly mumbled, ticking off items on her “to do” list. Invitations—check; clean house—the floors and bathrooms she would leave till the night before, but she could wash the windows this weekend. Quiches—check; sweet and sour meatballs—check. She’d made dozens of each—
“Kelly, hello?”
She glanced up. Erin was trying to get her attention. “Sorry. I’m a little distracted.”
“I noticed. You don’t have to do this all by yourself,” Erin said. “Geena and I came over to see what we could do to help. Just let us know.”
“Everyone would bring something if you asked,” Geena said. “Edna Thompson is famous for her delicious sausage rolls and I would love to make a cake—”
The cake. She’d forgotten the cake! Kelly smiled brilliantly. “Thanks, but there’s no need. I’ve got it all covered.”
She would make the cake tonight, after the kids went to bed….
“I was talking to Greta Vogler,” Geena said, bouncing Sonja on her knee. “She saw the dried-flower arrangement you made me and wants one, too. She also has a friend in Tacoma who owns a craft shop and might be interested in placing an order.”
“Fantastic. Tell Greta to call me. I’ll get onto her arrangement right away.” Kelly peered into the pantry, checking supplies and making a list of needed items for the wedding feast. “Randall’s experiencing some glitches with the Web site, but maybe Friday after work I can get down to Tacoma with some samples for Greta’s friend. Hopefully my catalog will be ready by then.”
Erin and Geena exchanged glances.
“Friday we’re going shopping for your dress,” Geena reminded her.
“I’m sure Greta and her friend can wait,” Erin said. “You have enough on your plate.”
Kelly handed Sonja a rusk. The baby girl turned round china-blue eyes on her and Kelly’s heart constricted. Tomorrow was the ultrasound.
“I don’t want to lose a potential customer.” Kelly glanced frantically around the cluttered counters. “Where did I put my list. I need my list.”
“Kelly!” Erin exclaimed. “You’re driving yourself to a nervous breakdown.”
“Here it is.” Geena handed her a full page filled with single-spaced lines of tasks, about a third of which had been crossed off.
Kelly added Greta’s flower arrangement to the bottom of the page. If only she had ten more hours in every day. No, make that twelve more hours.
“I’d better get going,” Geena said, glancing at her watch. “It’s nearly three.”
“Three?” Kelly exclaimed. “It can’t be!” She looked at the wall clock. “Oh, my God. I forgot to take Tina and Tammy to their swimming lesson at two-thirty.”
Her head was so crammed with things to remember it was going to explode. She’d had five hours’ sleep last night and four hours the night before. Added to that was the crushing fatigue of early pregnancy. When the missed swimming lesson brought forth memories of Tina’s fall into the river, Kelly’s tenuous grip on control dissolved. Her face crumpled and she burst into tears.
“It’s only one lesson,” Erin said, alarmed. “They’ll make it up.”
“Kelly, sweetie, don’t cry.” Geena reached for her hand.
“I can’t cope. It’s too much,” Kelly wailed. The strain and tension of the past weeks and months released in noisy gulping sobs. “I’m a terrible mother. Terrible.”
“You’re a wonderful mother,” Erin protested, stroking her arm. “You’re my role model.”
“You’re always so organized,” Geena agreed. “Somehow you’re able to do everything—”
“I can’t! No matter how much I do, I can never do enough!” She heard the hysterical edge to her rising voice and was unable to contain it. “I thought I could, but I can’t. I’ll end up neglecting it, or resenting it—”
“It? Kelly!” Erin took her by the shoulders and gave her a hard shake. “What are you talking about?”
Jolted into silence, Kelly blinked. Geena handed her a paper towel and Kelly blotted her tears. She dragged in a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
Before her sisters could erupt with congratulations, she forestalled them. “This isn’t good news. I don’t want this baby.”
Stunned into silence, Geena and Erin stared at her. Kelly closed her eyes in shame. How horrible was she not to want her own flesh and blood? Dr. Johnson had called her a natural mother, but there was nothing natural in the way she was feeling now.
“One night,” she said bitterly. “One lousy night of lovemaking and I’m pregnant.”
“Yes, but you wanted to have a baby. I don’t.” She paced away, pulling at her hair with both hands. “I’m going crazy trying to figure out how I’m going to fit everything in—Max and the girls, real estate, my new business—and now a baby. I…I don’t see how I can do it all.” She burst into tears again at having to admit that. She’d always been the one who could handle anything.
“What does Max say?” Erin asked.
“I haven’t told him.”
Erin and Geena digested this information in silence. Kelly knew they would conclude she was considering not telling him at all. Her heart was breaking under the strain of secrecy and the potential consequences to her marriage. This was a bigger secret than Lanni. Bigger even than Randall. It could tear her and Max apart forever.
Quietly, Erin and Geena came close, surrounding her with their arms, resting their heads on hers, enclosing her with their love. Kelly’s heartache eased to a dull throb.
“I have to go in for an ultrasound tomorrow,” she said. “All I can think of is, if I find out it’s a boy, will that affect my decision?”
Her sisters hugged her tighter, feeling her pain. “No matter what you decide,” Erin began, and Geena finished, “we’ll be here for you. Always.”
“Thanks.” Tears spilled down Kelly’s cheeks. “I love you.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“I HAVE TO DRIVE TO SEATTLE this morning to meet a client,” Max said, draining the last of his orange juice. “Do you want to come with me and make contact with those craft stores you were talking about?” He knew she was taking a day off from the real estate office because she’d mentioned it at dinner the night before.
