by Cameron Dane
Garrick scrubbed his face, and with one sentence, sealed his fate. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good.”
The scratch in Chloe’s voice as she’d talked about moving all the time reverberated in Garrick’s head, and he studied Grace just as hard as she did him. “How about you?”
She stayed quiet for an eternal heartbeat, first looking at him, then letting her attention wander the houses surrounding them, before coming back to him. “Don’t much feel like packing up the car and moving again. I’m tired. Ready to stop.”
“Me too.” Garrick wondered about her story but figured she had just as much a right to privacy and a chance to start over as he did. Probably more.
Grace rested her head in her hand, and Garrick could feel her checking him out from the corner of her eye. She suddenly smiled and laughed in a way that lit up her whole face. “So what freaked you out more?” she asked, turning fully to face him. “That Shawn was starting to see you as a father? Or that you took the next step in your head and worried that meant I was starting to see you as a potential husband?”
“What! I didn’t...” Fuck. “Maybe I did for a second.” A heavy ache sat like lead in Garrick’s gut, weighing on him with a pain he could not ignore. “I worried more that you might not want me around your children anymore when you found out I was gay.”
“Got news for you, Langley. I already knew you were gay.” Grace covered his mouth before he could protest. “Let me clarify,” she said as she took her hand away. “I suspected you might be.”
“No way.” Garrick’s blood rushed too fast, making him feel unsteady. “You’ve never even hinted that you thought I might be.”
She shrugged. “I figured you might be in the closet and it wasn’t my place to ask.”
Garrick sucked in a breath that burned his throat and lungs, and his hand shook as he held it against his mouth. “I tried not to think about it,” he said, the words muffled. “I don’t think I even realized how scared I was until my talk with Chloe today. You can never be sure how people will react.”
“Look at me, Garrick.” Grace paused, waiting him out in silence until he pulled his head out of hiding. When he did, she offered him a small smile. “I am tired a lot and it shows on my face, I’ll admit that. But if there’s one thing I can count on with a heterosexual man, it’s that he’s going to look at my breasts.” She raised a brow and her lips twisted as she added, “And that he’s going to stare more than once. I don’t dress provocatively but I can’t hide my shape or that my size is noticeably above average. You gave my breasts a cursory glance when you first came to look at the garage apartment and your gaze hasn’t drifted back to my chest since. I figured you were gay or asexual. Either way, I knew you weren’t interested in me physically.”
“Mother fucking shit.” Garrick couldn’t seem to pull more than that one phrase from his vocabulary.
“It has been nice having a guy around without having to worry about fending off moves.” Grace curled her hand around his forearm, warming his skin with her touch, and she didn’t break eye contact as she spoke. “I’m not worried about you and my kids, Garrick. I’m grateful for your patience with them, especially Shawnee, and that you care about them and want to be in their lives.”
“I do.” He blinked and blinked and blinked, and could not fucking believe he was fighting the pressure of tears threatening to fall. “Yours too, Grace. I like you, and in a short amount of time, you’ve become one of the most solid friends I’ve ever had. It’s just not a sexual interest.” Christ, I can’t believe not ogling her boobs gave me away. “For what was to you an apparently obvious reason.”
“What was obvious to me was that you didn’t want that guy to leave earlier.”
Garrick chuckled, the sound husky. “I’m that far gone, huh?” He wiped his eyes to make sure everything was still dry. “It didn’t take your daughter more than a few hours to pick up on it either.”
“And what about the guy?” Grace asked. “Devlin. Is he aware you have feelings for him?”
“It’s complicated.”
“You’re a smart guy. Find a way to make it simple.”
Garrick couldn’t control the grin or burst of pride that took him over whenever he thought about Devlin. “He’s smart and he makes me laugh and I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone sweeter. And he’s sexy too.” He could feel himself blushing like a fool and didn’t care. “Isn’t he?”
Grace nodded and smiled back at him. “He definitely has something that makes you look twice. You’re no slouch yourself, though, mister. Could use a haircut, maybe.” She pushed strands that had come loose of his elastic band behind his ear. “But other than that, very attractive. If it wasn’t for my daughter, I’d say you have the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen.”
Garrick plummeted. Yet another thing that isn’t real. Something else that isn’t the same as the man Devlin found so attractive in San Francisco. I don’t even have my name anymore. My career. An identity I can claim truly belongs to me.
He wavered, and his shoulder hit the porch railing as the yard swam in front of his eyes. “I don’t have anything to give him.”
Garrick hadn’t even realized he’d spoken aloud until Grace rubbed his shoulder. He turned to her, and sympathy filled her gaze. “Give him you,” she said. “Believe me, I’ve learned the hard way that everything else is just noise.”
He opened his mouth, curious once again about where quiet wisdom like that came from, when that buzz of awareness simmered under his skin again. Garrick glanced into the oncoming darkness of night beyond the front yard, finding it hard to see in the shadows. Instinct said to shoot to his feet and do a thorough search of the neighborhood, but then the softest scuffing noise pricked his ear, and Garrick whipped his head around to look behind him.
Shawn stood on the other side of the screen door, Transformer in hand.
“Jesus, buddy.” Garrick pressed his hand to his heart, as if that would control its speeding pace. “You’re getting as quiet as a ninja.”
The boy perked up straight. “Yeah?”
“Definitely.”
“I didn’t hear you one bit, sweetie,” Grace added.
“Cool.” The kid none-too-gently kicked the screen door open and stepped outside. “I’m hungry. Can we have pizza?”
“Good idea,” Grace said. “I don’t feel like lifting a finger to cook tonight. Shawnee, bring me the phone.”
“No, wait.” Garrick stalled the boy with a hand to his arm, but looked to Grace. “Why don’t Shawn and I go pick something up?” He needed some time with the kid to not only assure Shawn they were okay, but to make sure they were still cool for himself.
“Please, Mom?” Shawn grabbed Garrick’s shoulder, nodding while he jumped up and down like a baby bird trying to achieve flight.
Grace exchanged a see-I-told-you-so look with Garrick. “I guess I don’t have to ask him what he thinks,” Grace said. She shifted her attention to her son. “Bring me my purse instead, baby.”
Garrick touched her hand. “I have it covered.”
“Thank you. That’s very sweet, but I’m actually talking about the fact that you need to drive my car. Shawn still has to sit in the backseat.” She turned Shawn in the direction of the front door and gave him a little swat on the tush. “Get going.”
Shawn tore into the house, and Garrick looked back to Grace, stricken. “I swear I would have remembered that the second I went to put him in the passenger seat of my truck. We were going to take Devlin’s car for our ice cream run earlier. I promise.”
“Relax. I believe you.”
Garrick reined in his burst of nervous panic just as Shawn busted out of the house with an enormous black purse dragging from his shoulder. “Here you go, Mommy.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.” Grace pecked a kiss to her son’s cheek, undid the keys from a metal loop holding the strap, and dropped them in Garrick’s hand. “Have fun, you two.”
I can do this. Gr
ace is right. It’s no different than what I’ve been doing for a month already.
One look at Shawn, seeing the excitement vibrating through the boy over such a small excursion, and everything shifted into place inside Garrick, calming him.
I need him. Them. Chloe and Grace too, just as much as they need me.
His heart constricted as a picture of Devlin flashed in his mind.
Hopefully he will understand.
Shaking off that uncertainty, Garrick pointed over his shoulders to his back. “Climb on, kid. Let’s go.”
As soon as Shawn latched on securely for a piggyback ride, Garrick loped down the steps, laughing as Shawn egged him on to go faster.
* * * *
Garrick kept tight hold of Shawn’s hand as they jogged across the parking lot to the restaurant’s entrance. “Watch your step.” He pointed at the sidewalk lip a foot ahead.
Shawn made an exaggerated leap onto the raised brick walkway. “Can I get a dessert while we’re waiting?”
“Ah, how about you can pick a dessert to take back to the house for later?”
“Maaaaannn.” Shawn tugged against Garrick’s hold. “I want to eat it now.”
“Not gonna happen.” Garrick sympathized; he remembered wanting sweets as a first, second, and third course, but he would lose points with Grace--not to mention Chloe for shortchanging her a pre-meal treat--if he caved. “You can pick something for your sister and your mom, though.” Garrick murmured an “Excuse me” to a small group milling in front of the door, then pulled Shawn in front of him, keeping the boy close as they entered the restaurant. “But you have to pick ones you think they’ll like,” he added as soon as they were inside, “and I think I’ll know if you’re trying to pick three for yourself.”
“Chloe likes anything chocolate.”
“All right. What about your mom?”
“She likes stuff with fruit. She makes lemon bars a lot.”
Garrick took a moment to explain to the hostess that they just wanted to place a To-Go order, but that with the little one with him Garrick didn’t want to sit at the bar to wait. The place had the best pizza in town, but it also boasted the largest variety of beer on tap, and it drew a bar crowd on weekends just for that. It was a little early in the evening for anything too boisterous, but the noise level and potential conversations would still be too much for the ears of a six-year-old.
The hostess handed Garrick a couple of menus and guided them to a small round table with tall-leg chairs that just skirted the area between the bar and the restaurant. They had already decided on their pizza topping choices on the car ride over, so Garrick went ahead and placed that order with a request that the hostess return in a few minutes after they had a chance to look over the dessert menu.
Shawn swiveled one way in his barstool, wide-eyed, and then slowly circled in the other direction, his focus traveling the area of the restaurant.
“Never been here before, huh?” Garrick asked, biting down a chuckle.
“Uh-uh.” The boy’s shaggy blond hair swished into his eyes as he shook his head. “It’s big. Look at all the stuff everywhere. Is that a real boat?” He pointed to the center of the wall on the other side of the room, in which it looked like the front end of an old ship with a mermaid figure attached to the hull protruded from the wall.
Garrick covered Shawn’s hand and brought it back down to the table. “I don’t know,” he replied. “We’ll have to ask the hostess when she comes to take our dessert order. Let’s decide what we want so we’ll be ready when she returns.”
He discovered Shawn didn’t yet have the reading skills to decipher a menu that didn’t have pictures, so he pulled the boy’s chair closer, put their heads together, and between them came up with desserts for everybody. The hostess swung back by their table to give them an ETA on their pizza, and Garrick relayed the rest of their order, as well as went ahead and gave her a tip as a thank you for letting them have a table while they waited.
“Your son is a cutie.” The young woman winked at Shawn and bumped his fist. “I couldn’t say no to him. A server will be out with your food soon, and he’ll take care of your tab. Ya’ll have a good night.”
Garrick watched Shawn suck his lower lip between his teeth, and his heart dropped like a fifty-pound dumbbell straight into his stomach.
“You okay?” Garrick asked, his voice low. He kept a steady eye on Shawn, searching for a second quiver in his lip or a tear he might try to hide. “With what that girl just said, knowing what your mom talked to you about earlier?”
Shawn suddenly focused intently on his Transformer, and his little eyebrows pulled together. “You don’t love my mom the way dads are supposed to love moms, and Mommy said she doesn’t like you like that way either, so you won’t live in our house.” He chewed some more on his lip but eventually looked up at Garrick again. “But she said you still like me the way other dads like their kids, only you’re not my dad so I call you Garrick.”
“That’s true.” Garrick treaded carefully for Shawn’s sake, but the truth was, he thought it might crush him more than the freaking kid if he got shot down. “Are you okay with that?”
“I might feel better if you let me eat my strawberry cake first.”
All the tension drained out of Garrick into a puddle on the floor, and he fell back against his chair. “Nice try, Shawnee. I don’t think so.”
“Maaannn.” Shawn pulled the most petulant face. “That sucks.”
Resilient. Garrick had to laugh. Grace definitely knows her children well.
A young man carrying a large paper bag and two pizza boxes stopped at their table. “Okay, guys.” He put everything down. “Here we go.”
He handed the bill to Garrick, and Garrick pulled the appropriate amount from his wallet and handed the money to the guy, adding, “Keep the change.”
Garrick assessed the overlarge bag with their desserts and garlic bread as well as the extra large pizza boxes. “All right, how are we going to do this?” He’d never really wondered how a parent held onto children and packages and navigated public spaces with large vehicles pulling in and out and driving around at the same time.
“I can carry the bag,” Shawn said.
“Shawn, the thing is half as big as you are,” Garrick told him. “You’re not quite tall enough to keep it off the ground. And it’s dark out; there’s no way I’m letting you walk outside without holding my hand.” The pizza boxes were much too large for the kid to handle too. “Here’s what we’re going to do.” Garrick lifted Shawn into his arms and situated him on his hip. “Hold on tight, please.” The boy squeezed his legs around Garrick’s stomach and his arms around his neck. “That’s plenty. Thank you.”
Garrick then maneuvered the pizza boxes onto his free hand and finally grabbed the bag’s handle while using that arm to anchor Shawn to him. “Ready?” The boy nodded, and Garrick started to wind his way through the tables to some strange looks coming at him from left and right. “I suppose I could have just asked for help, huh?” he asked with a laugh. “That’s probably what your mom does.”
“Nah.” Shawn pounded Garrick’s shoulder with his hand, giggling. “This is more fun.”
“For you, sure.” Garrick looked at the boy sideways and raised one eyebrow in an extremely exaggerated manner. “I’m the one doing all the heavy lifting. It’s like a ride at Disneyland for y...” Garrick skidded to a halt.
Straight ahead, Devlin entered the restaurant. And the guy wasn’t alone. He had a wildly attractive younger man at his side. Garrick couldn’t process any more than that because right then Devlin laughed at something the guy said, and it crushed Garrick’s soul.
“Garrick, look at Devlin!” Shawn shouted right into Garrick’s ear.
Clearly having heard Shawn say his name, Devlin snapped his attention up to them, locking on Garrick.
“Hey,” Shawn nudged Garrick, “who’s that other man?”
“I don’t know.” The ringing echoing in Garrick’s hea
d from the volume of Shawn’s voice couldn’t compete with the slamming in his heart and the difficulty he suddenly had breathing. He knew he shouldn’t stare, but he couldn’t blink or turn his head. Devlin didn’t either.
He’s on a date. He went out on his date. He’s fucking spending the evening with another man.
“Devlin! Devlin!” Shawn let go of Garrick’s neck for a second and waved wildly.
Devlin whispered something to his partner for the evening; the guy nodded and took a step to the side while Devlin approached. Devlin slipped his hands into his pockets, and smiled at the boy. “Hi, Shawn. It’s good to see you again.”
The kid bounced against Garrick’s side. “I talked to my mom!”
If Garrick had a free hand, he would have rubbed his ear. “Take it down a couple of notches, kiddo. All right?”
“Sorry.” Shawn dropped his voice to a whisper. “I talked to my mom. She said since you know Garrick, it would be okay to go see the fire trucks with you as long as he’s there too.”
“Right,” Devlin murmured. He lifted his gaze to Garrick’s, glanced back and forth between him and Shawn, and Garrick watched his lips pale and his throat convulse.
Oh no. No no no no no. It’s not what you think.
Garrick went to grab Devlin but remembered he had too much going on to make it happen. “Wait,” he said instead.
Devlin shook his head. “It’s all right. I understand.” Garrick could hear the strain in Devlin’s voice. Then Devlin put his full attention on Shawn, and covered everything with a smile. “I haven’t had a chance to talk to the chief yet, Shawn, but I’ll be sure to get in touch with him very soon. Sound good?”
Shawn beamed. “Cool.”
“Cool.” Devlin’s smile back looked forced.
Sick to his stomach, Garrick felt gagged and tied. “Cool,” he said dully, all polish gone from both good patches of this day.
Devlin looked to his date a dozen feet away and held up one finger. The blond smiled and nodded, and Devlin turned back to them. “Can you do me a favor?” Devlin directed his question to Shawn. “Will you cover your ears and hum Spiderman’s music for just a minute? I have to say something private to Garrick.”
