by Christi Snow
“You said the baby died. Was it a miscarriage?”
“Yes, it was an ectopic pregnancy with a rupture. They also had to remove a fallopian tube and I’m sterile now.”
He watched her for a moment. “You’re in the medical field and I know you know this, but it bears repeating. If you had been making your lists during that time, would your baby have lived?”
“No.”
“Could your lists have prevented your boyfriend’s plane crash?”
“No.” She stared down at her lap.
“Your lists didn’t help you control your life. They gave you a false sense of control, Julie, but you can’t control life this way. There are lots of things you can change to affect an outcome in your life, but making a list isn’t one of them. Lists are for making sure that you don’t forget eggs at the grocery store. They won’t help you maintain control of the risks that life entails. If that were the case, we’d all be maniacally making lists all the time.” He paused, letting that soak in for a moment.
She’d known all this, but hearing it spelled out, it made more sense. She’d blamed Rachel’s therapeutic advice for ruining her life, but the overall outcome wouldn’t have changed if she’d still been the old Julie. What would have changed is she never would have found love with Chris in the first place. She wouldn’t have been living.
She hid behind her lists. They kept her from living and feeling the full depth of her emotions. She used them as a barrier against the things in life she couldn’t control by wrapping them around her heart. That wasn’t living. That was hiding. She was stronger than that.
She looked up at Dr. Eckert.
“Does that make sense to you?” he asked.
She nodded. “It does. Why haven’t I ever seen it like that before?”
“When you were eleven, you weren’t capable. The lists helped you cope the only way you could at that point in time. You’re capable of much more now, but this has been your method for almost twenty years. I don’t want to take that away from you all at once, so we’re going to try an experiment for this first week. How many lists do you suppose you make during a day?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know, probably twenty to thirty?” Those were the ones she actually wrote down on paper. She created at least another twenty or so in her head every day, too. How much of life had she missed out on because she’d had her face buried in a piece of paper?
“Okay, for this week, you’re allowed to write down three lists a day. That’s it. That’s a hard limit. If you’ve hit your limit for the day and feel an overwhelming need to write down a list, I need you to work through it emotionally. If you’re having an issue with another person, talk through it with them. If it’s something internally happening with you, like stress, you need to sit down and talk yourself through it.”
“Are you suggesting I actually sit down and have a conversation with myself?” She gave him a small smile.
“I know. Usually, I’m trying to fix those kinds of behaviors, but with you I think it will help. I’m simply suggesting you work out your issue aloud. Just make sure you don’t answer back.”
She laughed. An hour ago, she wouldn’t have even thought that was possible within these office walls.
He gave her another gentle smile. “You’re using your lists to keep from connecting emotionally. This week, try to be aware of that. I think you’ll find that by being aware of why you need to make a list, you’ll also find that you can control your need for it. You’re shifting the power of control here so that you really will be the one in control. Okay?”
“Okay.” She could do this, right? She took a steadying breath. She needed to do this.
“If you run into any issues, feel free to call the office day or night. If it’s an emergency, my answering service can reach me. Otherwise, I’ll see you in another week.”
“Thank you, Dr. Eckert. I already feel so much better for having talked to you. I’m so glad that Pete gave me your name.”
A strange frown came over his face. “Pete Larson? The police officer?”
Julie nodded. “Yes, he told me the police department used you with a lot of success.”
“It’s good he thinks so highly of me, but I’ve been trying to get hold of him. Have you seen him lately?”
“Not lately, but I’ve been ill,” she said slowly. “As far as I know, everything’s fine with him. I haven’t seen him directly, but I’ve chatted several times this week with the girl he’s dating and I know they’ve been going out. Maybe you could try contacting him through the police department.”
“You’re right. I’ll do that. Thanks, Julie. I’ll see you next week.”
Chapter 34The next morning, Chris woke up excited about his plan for today, but first he had an idea to get the day started right. Julie had begun to rouse, but was still dozing in bed when he rolled over on top of her. He began to trail a line of kisses between her breasts. “Wake up, Butterfly.”
She scrunched up her face and whined, “No, it’s Saturday.”
“Aw, the romance is already gone, isn’t it? You’d rather sleep in than play with me?”
A single eye popped open to scowl at him. “Saturday’s are sacred territory, even with you, looking at me all sexy. Damn,” the second eye opened and she examined him more closely, “you really are sexy in the morning.” She wiggled underneath him and reached down to cup his hardened arousal.
“Oh yeah,” his voice lowered as he surged into her hand, “that’s what I’m talking about. But I have a better idea. Let’s go take a shower. I want you slippery and wet.”
“What makes you think I’m not already?” Her eyes sparkled.
He closed his eyes and moaned. “You are such a tease, but I want to take a shower. We have plans for today.” Scooping her up as he went, he crawled off the bed. She was so tiny; she fit into his arms so perfectly. Carrying her everywhere they went sounded like something he could live with. Nothing about life was as close to Nirvana as it was when she was right here, close to his heart. He smiled internally over his poeticism. She made him feel all romantic and shit. No other girl had ever made him feel this way. He wanted to sweep her off her feet. Every. Single. Day.
She scrutinized him as they walked. “We have plans? It sounds like you’ve been keeping secrets.”
His stomach dropped. His eyes flew to hers but when he saw her teasing smile, he relaxed. Damn, he needed to stop keeping things from her. He needed to convince her they could be just as happy adopting, as long as they were together, but he needed time to work up to that.
When they got into the bathroom, he turned on the hot water and followed Julie and her luscious, tight body into the shower. She was so tiny. The top of her head met the bottom of his chin. It made her the perfect height to play with the nipples on his pecs and she took immediate advantage of that fact by smoothing kisses across his chest. Ah, yeah, this had been a good idea. He closed his eyes at the eroticism of Julie’s wet breasts pushed up against his abs and her hot lips on his nipples.
She worked her way across his chest, her eyes full of desire. She reached down and caressed the full, long length of his cock. Scars were a part of him now and as she fingered the ones that ran across his balls, he groaned. To have her play and love that area which had been so horribly abused was incredibly erotic and arousing. Taking her time to play with the moisture leaking out of the slit, she swirled her hand around the ridge at the top. His breathing ratcheted up a notch and she smiled in response.
His cock hardened to pure steel. It was time to get this show on the road. He grabbed the shower gel and began to soap up his hands and then set to work on Julie’s body. She was moaning and very soapy by the time he was through with her front. One of her legs wrapped around his waist as he worked, and she rubbed against him. God, she was sexy like this.
He turned her around so that he could give an equal soaping to her backside, pausing to thoroughly clean her slit and apply a little teasing of his own. Hmm, soap was a very good
thing he thought as a slippery nipple slid against his arm. He applied suds down the full length of her legs, paying particular attention to her ass. Suddenly he came face to face with her tattoo. He hadn’t gotten to examine it closely yet.
As he did so now, she suddenly tensed under his hands.
He wrapped his right hand around her waist and her silky folds fluttered against the edge of his cock while he explored the tattoo with his left hand. It was a gorgeous piece of ink. The outline and details had all been done in black, and the interior coloring had been done with variegated shades of purple. He traced the wings with his finger. The tattoo was large for even a normal tattoo. It started in the middle of her back and went all the way down to her waist. To know that quiet little Julie had gotten it was a puzzle.
Aware that she’d gone completely rigid in his arms, he traced his fingers up her spine to the nape of her neck hoping to help her relax, but continued to admire the butterfly. Then he saw it. At the base of the right wing, was the date, May 10. The day he died. His breath caught as shock shuddered through him. She hadn’t forgotten him. Oh God, this tattoo was a memorial to him.
Suddenly he needed to be inside her desperately. He turned her toward him. Her eyes were wary, but when he lifted her up to kiss her, she wrapped her legs and arms around him and clung like she’d never let him go again. Seemingly just as frantic, she reached between them and positioned his shaft so he was lined up perfectly with her entrance. She slid down his chest, impaling herself on his hard cock. They both groaned at the sensation.
Moving so that she was pressed up against the tile wall of the shower, he powered into her, shudders of desire traveling the length of his spine. Before he had time to even think about what they were doing, she began to shatter around him with screams and rasps of breath. The gush of hot moisture and the clenching of her womb were too much for his already fragile control. It shattered and his cock released into her with pulsing bursts of pleasure.
He leaned his forehead against the cold tile trying to find the energy to pull out of her and set her back down, but after that cataclysmic orgasm, it wasn’t going to happen yet. His breath sawed in and out in sharp pants. He nuzzled behind her ear. “I’m sorry,” he panted. “I didn’t mean to be so rough with you.”
“Oh, baby, you didn’t hear me complaining. That was incredible. I’ll shower with you any day. Feel free to wake me up again.”
He finally found the energy to lift up his head to look into her eyes and smile.
She lifted a hand to the side of his face and brushed at the moisture there.
Emotions quaked through him. He’d come so close to losing all this, to losing her. It was a miracle to be here, inside her.
Her eyes widened as his cock hardened within her. “Already?” she squeaked.
“What can I say? You inspire me to new heights, but how about we move to the bed this time?”
After their second go, Julie dozed back off. Chris knew they needed to get going, but she’d earned a catnap. He was happy just to lay here with her in his arms. As she settled further into sleep, she rolled over and he was able to look at the tattoo again.
But as he looked at the tattoo again, he realized something. The date of his death wasn’t the only date on there. There was another, April 6. What did that mean?
* * *
Julie eyed Chris suspiciously as he dragged her in front of his garage. He was being very secretive about their plans for the day, but his eyes were alight with joy. If it made him this happy, she could deal with a surprise.
He reached down for the handle of the garage door, but then paused, looking nervous. “Yesterday while you were at your doctor’s appointment, I bought a new toy. I thought it might be something fun we could do together, but if you aren’t feeling up to it, that’s okay. It can wait.”
“Chris, I’m fine, but the suspense is killing me. Open it already.”
The smile he flashed her was so full of joy, she imagined that was how he’d have looked as a little boy, his eyes full of mischief and happiness, his mop of golden hair messy from play, and freckles across the bridge of his nose. She’d heard so many stories about him and the troubles he got into as a kid with Jake and Cassie.
She smiled at the thought, but it was replaced with a vision of what his son would look like. A sudden wave of sadness overcame her. She wouldn’t be able to give him that son, but she pushed it aside. Today was about happiness.
He tugged the garage door up to reveal a brand new Harley-Davidson motorcycle. She looked toward him in surprise. “You bought a motorcycle?”
His grin spread from ear to ear. “I did. I thought you might like to go out riding.”
That was the one part of flamboyant purple-haired Julie that she hadn’t been able to let go of. She really loved the freedom of riding her motorcycle.
She ran her hand down the length of the new blacked-out V-rod, Night Rod Special. It was so sexy. “Wow, this is really gorgeous. You’re going to look incredibly hot riding it.” She wrapped one hand around his neck to pull him down for a kiss. The fingers of the other hand threaded through the belt loop of his jeans to pull his hips up against hers.
After the kiss ended, his eyes sparked with desire and anticipation. “So does that mean you’re okay with going out for a ride today?”
“Oh, hell yeah. Just let me go get my leathers on.”
He snagged her by the waist and pulled her back toward him, his sapphire eyes navy with desire. “Did you just say you have leathers?” His voice cracked.
“You’ll never find out if you don’t let me go,” she teased, although judging from the bulge in the front of his jeans, it probably wasn’t necessary. He was already pretty worked up. Just imagine what he’d be like after the vibration of riding. She licked her lips and then licked his before dashing back into the house to change, leaving Chris with his mouth hanging open.
She smiled as she ran to her room, setting a new record for how quickly she could change, adding in a sexy new purple polka dotted thong and bra she hadn’t gotten to wear yet.
A small throw blanket resting on the back of the couch snagged her attention as she ran through the living room. Backtracking, she grabbed it. It would be perfect if they found a place for a picnic or something else while they were out riding. It was always good to be prepared.
They headed east out of Lubbock and stopped when they came to an abandoned old stone restaurant on the side of the road. Chris pulled off into the gravel parking lot.
It was a beautiful building with the cut stonework that had been so popular in Texas centuries before. It had obviously been abandoned for a long time. The windows were mostly broken and gone, the brush around the place overgrown, but with the dry climate the painted ‘Restaurant’ was still visible on the sign. Chris got off his motorcycle and drew off his helmet, so Julie did the same.
“I’ve noticed the photography in your house. A lot of it looks like this place. Do you have your camera?”
She looked at him curiously. She’d never told anyone that any of those photos were hers. It was a private hobby. Anyone who’d ever visited just assumed she’d bought them herself, but most of them were her photos. “How did you know?”
He ducked his head. “I didn’t for sure, but I’ve seen some of your equipment around your house, so I guessed.”
She reached into her saddlebag. “Well, it just so happens that I do have my camera and I’m going to take advantage of this. Thanks, Chris.”
After spending about twenty minutes taking various shots of the property, the motorcycles, and even sneaking in a few shots of Chris, she was through. She slid the camera back into the saddlebag and then grabbed the blanket out of the other. Chris had watched her work. He had a black leather jacket on, but underneath it, the muscles of his chest strained against the thin fabric of his t-shirt. His worn jeans cupped his thighs. His legs crossed at his boots where he leaned up against his motorcycle looking incredibly sexy. A shiver of arousal and awareness sna
ked through her belly. She was ready to do something about that.
When he saw the blanket, he raised his eyebrows. “Hmm, I do like a girl who comes prepared.”
“Oh, I promise, you’re definitely going to like this. Come on. I’m pretty sure there’s a stream running behind this place.” They strolled slowly through the overgrown brush behind the restaurant. But it quickly became obvious that Julie had been correct as the sound of gurgling water began to get louder.
Along the creek, the cottonwood trees were huge. They had to be a couple of hundred years old. The tufts of cotton flew off them and filtered through the air just like they had when she’d seen Aaron and Nalia. Her breath caught and she became mesmerized by the beauty of them in the air. It was a sign. She’d never be able to see cottonwood tufts again without thinking about their little girl.
Suddenly Chris was at her side, wiping the tears off her face. She’d been crying? She gave him a watery smile. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
He frowned as he glanced up into the air and then back to her, obviously concerned about why she cried. She rose up on tip toe and kissed him softly. He pressed her down to the ground where he’d already spread the blanket out. She laid flat on her back and he leaned down beside her, raised up on one arm and looking thoughtfully into her eyes. A cotton tuft drifted through the air to land on lightly on top of his head.
He looked at her with such love. It was time to tell him. He deserved to know. Everything. Her hands clenched with the need to make a list, but that wasn’t the solution. Facing her emotions and honesty was. If they were going to make this work, they had to have full honesty between them. That’s why she’d gone to the therapist, because she wanted that. That didn’t stop the panic zinging through her system at the prospect, though.
Chris still looked concerned as he studied her. “Are you okay?” he asked quietly.
“I am, but I need to tell you something.”
“Okay,” he said hesitantly. “Does this have something to do with the other date on your butterfly tattoo?”
