by Katy Regnery
Her cheeks pinkened as she studied her coffee mug for a second before taking another sip. “You too.”
He split the eggs between the two plates, then opened a drawer to find two forks before joining her at the counter, taking the stool next to hers.
“So catch me up,” he said, starting with the crispy whites with a plan to work his way toward the whole yolk. “What have you been doing with yourself?”
“Ooo! These are yum!” said Jane, swallowing a bite of egg before turning slightly to look at him. “Well…let’s see. Right around the time you got back to Harvard, um, in fourth year, I left to spend a few months at the Medical College of the Montpellier in France. When I got back in March, I was matched to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, which was my first choice—”
“Impressive.”
“—I went back to Cambridge for graduation, but I’ve been in Philly ever since.”
“You like it at CHOP?” he asked.
“Love it,” said Jane. “It’s home now.”
“You’re three years in, but if memory serves, you weren’t pursuing a specialty, so I guess you’re done with your residency?”
“You have a good memory.”
“About you I do,” he said.
She seemed surprised but pleased, her lips spreading into a smile as she paused a beat in her update. Finally, she looked down at her eggs again, spearing another bite.
“I’m still not pursuing a specialty. I just want to be a pediatrician.”
“Just,” he teased, grinning at her. “Family practice?”
“Eventually. For now, I’m on staff at CHOP, and I think I’ll stay there for another year or two. I could easily open my own practice,” she said, no doubt referring to her rumored inheritance, “but I think I’d rather work with an established practice for a few years to learn the ropes, and working at CHOP is a great way to meet established doctors.”
“Smart plan,” said Amity, finishing off the rest of his breakfast.
“And you?” asked Jane. “What are you up to?”
“Finished my three years at the Boston Children’s Hospital.”
“Ooo! Impressive!” said Jane, laughing softly.
“Yes. Thank you,” he said, chuckling along with her.
“And if memory serves,” she said, “you should be on track for a pediatric oncology fellowship right about now.”
“I’m not the only one with a good memory,” said Amity, hoping that her reasons for remembering him so well were similar to his: that she’d been as captivated by him as he was by her those few weeks they’d spent together and sorry that they’d never taken things to the next level. “You made an impression on me,” she said softly, her cheeks deepening from rose to red.
She reached for his plate, picked up hers, then took both to the sink to wash them. Watching her spare movements reminded him of the many hours they’d sat across from one another in the library, studying in companionable silence. Did she have any idea what her company had meant to him? Her companionship? Her kindness? After Simone had betrayed him, he’d woken up every morning remembering the horrible scene he’d walked in on. But once he and Jane had started studying and dining together, little by little, he’d woken up thinking of her.
“I never thanked you,” he said.
“For what?” she asked, that sweet, shy smile brightening her face when she looked up.
“Studying with me. Having dinner with me. Just…being there. Being my friend. I was going through a pretty rough time.”
She placed the rinsed dishes in the drying rack, then put her hands on her slim hips and looked up at him.
“I’m sure you don’t remember this…but on the first day of school—of undergrad, not med school—a girl fell down the stairs at Wigg while she was moving herself in. She scraped up her knees and her hands, but mostly she wanted to die of embarrassment because a group of boys was standing at the foot of the stairs. Mercifully, they didn’t see what happened. Only one boy did. And instead of laughing at her or pointing out her clumsiness to his friends, he leaned forward and helped her up. He winked at her and teased her about falling for him. Somehow, he made it all okay when he could have made her a laughingstock for the rest of her college career.”
“That was you,” said Amity softly, wishing he could remember more about that day, but he couldn’t. Suddenly, a girl had appeared in a heap at his feet, and he’d helped her up. He had no idea that girl was the same one who drew him out of his depression seven years later.
“That was me,” she said, smiling at him. “So you don’t have to thank me, Amity. You saved me first.”
“We lived in Wigg together?” he asked, his memory flashing back to images of his freshman dorm, Wigglesworth. “Why don’t I remember you better?”
“I was on a different side of the building,” she said. “And anyway, by Halloween, you had a girlfriend, didn’t you?”
“I did,” he said, wishing—for the hundredth time—that he hadn’t wasted most of his college years on Simone. “What house were you in sophomore year?”
“Currier.”
“Huh. I was in Adams. No wonder we didn’t run into each other much.”
Currier was located in the quad that had once been Radcliffe housing, while Adams was in the middle of Harvard. The two houses couldn’t have been farther apart.
“Not that we really hung out in the same circles anyway,” said Jane, her face guileless.
Amity and Simone had been something of a “golden” couple, invited to every party and campus event. And Jane, he knew from his many conversations with her, was more likely to be found in the library than at a kegger.
“I’m sorry about that,” said Amity. “I wish I’d gotten to know you sooner.”
She looked like she was about to say something, but suddenly the front door swung open, and a frigid breeze blew through the main floor of the condo.
“No more!” yelled Merit’s voice. “I mean it! You’re a devil woman!”
Jane looked at Amity and cringed, wiping her hands on her jeans and rounding the kitchen counter. “Sounds like the status quo hasn’t changed since last night. Maybe we should referee.”
As they stepped from the kitchen into the living room, a snowball whizzed through the front door, narrowly missing Jane’s face and nailing Amity in the chest.
“Hey! What the heck?”
A gale of laughter made him look up to find Elizabeth Story, wearing snow pants, a parka, a hat, and mittens, standing in the cottage doorway giggling…and Merit, similarly dressed for skiing and covered with snow, ducking behind the couch.
“Sorry, Amity!” chirped Elizabeth with a giant grin. She walked into the cottage and shut the door behind her. “I meant that one for your brother.”
Merit rose from his hiding place, chuckling as he waggled a finger at Elizabeth. “You cheat at snowball fights.”
“Sore loser,” said Elizabeth, winking at Merit.
Huh. If body language counts for anything, thought Amity, the status quo between Merit and Elizabeth has done a one-eighty since last night.
“You were…having a…snowball fight?” asked Jane, her voice bewildered as she looked back and forth between Merit and Elizabeth, no doubt taking in their red noses and cheerful smiles. “But I thought—”
“What did you think, Janie-baby?”
“Janie-baby? You haven’t called me that in years,” said Jane. “And I thought you two hated each other.”
“Nope,” said Merit and Elizabeth at the same time, immediately grinning at each other like they were sharing a secret joke.
“Not anymore,” said Elizabeth, her face softening as she brushed some snow off Merit’s shoulder. She turned back to her sister and Amity. “Slopes open in twenty minutes. We’re heading over. Are you guys planning to ski or what?”
Jane looked at Amity. “I am. You?”
“Definitely,” he said, glad that Merit seemed much happier than yesterday but a little sorry that his on
e-on-one time with Jane had ended so soon. Hopefully he’d have more time with her today. “Guess we should go get ready.”
***
Merit and Elizabeth were inseparable.
Riding the lift together, skiing together, even meeting for lunch together, they acted more like long-lost best friends—Or, no, not best friends, because it feels like they are constantly undressing each other with their eyes, thought Jane—barely able to stay away from each other for a moment.
Whatever had happened between last night and this morning, Jane’s sister and Amity’s brother had more than buried the hatchet. And since Elizabeth and Merit both lived in Philadelphia, Jane had a funny feeling that she was going to see a lot more of them together.
Aside from the fact that her most prickly and uptight sister was suddenly smiling and giggling more than Jane had seen in years, the other major benefit to this development was that it left Jane and Amity alone together for most of the day.
Spending so much time together made today feel like one giant date and left Jane in a state of butterflies-in-the-stomach-style bliss all day.
They joked around and held hands, waited for each other at the bottom of the runs and took the chair back up together. Halfway between lunch and après-ski, they’d warmed up with hot cocoa by the lodge fireplace, and all the while, they’d filled in the four-year gap between them. Effortlessly. Whatever time had elapsed between college and now was closing in fast. And once the shortfall had been filled, Jane wondered what would come next.
She couldn’t lie. Her hopes and dreams about Amity Atwell had returned swiftly today as she basked in his company. Laughing and talking as seamlessly as ever, she found herself wishing for things she’d once forced herself to set aside as his plane flew from Boston to Africa. Her attraction to him was as strong as it had always been, and her heart—her poor heart that had ached like crazy when he left for Zimbabwe—wanted him more than ever before.
After her spill down the dorm stairs and the way Amity had made it all better, helping her up and preserving her pride, Jane had developed an instant crush on him that had lasted for years. And no, he hadn’t had the emotional headspace to offer her more than friendship back when they were study partners. He was still recovering from that terrible breakup with Simone. But now? Maybe now is our chance, she thought as the day whisked away. Older, wiser, and more settled, maybe fate had reunited them, knowing that the timing was finally right for them to be together.
It has to be fate, thought Jane, sitting beside Amity on the chairlift. The sun was just starting to set over the mountains, and he put his arm around her, drawing her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder, savoring the moment, committing it to memory. The pinkish sky. The white snow. The way Amity smelled of fresh air and sweat. The magical rush of second chances. The sweet, sweet fullness in her heart as life offered up a second chance to them.
“You know,” said Jane as the chairlift paused right before embarkation, “I can’t believe we haven’t got around to this…but I never asked where you were applying for your fellowship.” Her heart was beating fast, but she pressed on, knowing that the suggestion she was about to make was forward but also knowing that if she wanted to see more of Amity, she needed to say something. “The program at CHOP is really good. In fact—”
“Oh,” said Amity, “I was sure I’d already mentioned it.” He chuckled softly. “We’ve covered so much ground today.”
“Mentioned what?” asked Jane, leaning up to look at him.
“I applied to Dana Farber in Boston, but I wasn’t accepted. I was accepted at CHOP, Texas Children’s Hospital, and St. Jude’s.”
She gasped with anticipation, her heart taking flight as she sent up a myriad of thanks to God and fate and every other force of nature that had finally thrown them together.
This is it! The stars are aligned. It’s finally our chance to be together!
“So you’re coming to Philadelphia?” she asked breathlessly.
“Uh. No,” said Amity. “I accepted the fellowship at St. Jude’s. I start in late January.”
And just like that, the wind was knocked out of her. She sat back slowly, feeling dizzy from a three-second emotional rollercoaster, deflating like a balloon stabbed with a pin.
St. Jude’s.
In Memphis.
A thousand miles or more from Philadelphia.
“Oh,” she murmured, closing her eyes against the sharp and sudden burn of tears and turning away from Amity to look out at the dusky, snow-covered woods that surrounded the trail beneath them.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice tinged with excitement. “At first I was sort of pissed because most of my family’s in Boston—well, except Merit—but then I started looking into the St. Jude’s program and it’s—Jane, it’s amazing.”
“St. Jude’s is a great hospital,” she agreed, but her heart felt like lead.
God damn you, fate, you teasing bitch, she thought, frustration and disappointment squeezing her heart like a vise and making her feel uncharacteristically bitter. Here we go again.
The last time he was headed to Africa.
This time, Tennessee.
But it may as well be Africa, she thought, because if they weren’t in the same city, it didn’t matter where they were. Relationships—especially fledgling relationships—couldn’t deepen and grow from five states away. Not as far as Jane was concerned.
She knew what it felt like to have feelings for someone—deep, strong feelings like she had for Amity four years ago—and to suddenly lose that person’s actual, physical presence in her life. She wasn’t interested in going through that a second time.
Amity Atwell was as wonderful as he’d always been, and Jane had fallen for him today all over again. But what Jane felt for Amity wasn’t casual. It never had been. She was greedy back then and she was even greedier now—if she couldn’t have it “all,” she wouldn’t break her own heart by settling for less.
They could be friends, and Jane would still cherish him. But she remembered very well how she’d felt when she found out he was gone all those years ago; she wouldn’t be good at long distance, which meant that all the silly hopes and dreams that had run away with her heart today needed to be shut down.
Amity was still talking: “…great program, but I still have a few more weeks off. Do you think—I mean, I’d love come and see you in Philly next week or the week after. We could spend a few days together before I head to Tennessee. And then, once I’m settled in, maybe you could come and visit me for—”
“Today’s been really fun,” Jane blurted out, turning to look at him and forcing a smile. She took a deep breath and steadied her voice. “It’s been really nice to resume our friendship.”
“Our…friendship.” Amity searched her face, his registering confusion.
“Yes. Friendship. We were good friends at Harvard. It’s nice to see you’re doing so well.”
“Nice to see…?” He narrowed his eyes. “Hey, what’s—Um…did I say something wrong?”
“No. Not at all,” said Jane, holding onto her smile, even though she was crying with frustration inside. “I’m proud of you, Amity. Really and truly. Memphis is going to be great.”
“Yeah. It is, but—” His words were interrupted by the jerk of the chairlift as it arrived at their destination. “But, Jane, I thought, or I mean, I kind of hoped—”
Jane lifted the chair bar as soon as she could, grabbed her poles, and skied down the ramp. As she lowered her goggles, she looked at Amity over her shoulder. She didn’t want to hear about his hopes. She didn’t think she could bear it.
“See you back at the cottage?” she asked, hoping he didn’t notice the breaking of her voice or the glistening of her eyes behind orange plastic.
“Jane, wait…” he called.
But Jane didn’t wait. She dug in her poles and whooshed forward, skiing away from Amity Atwell and wishing that she’d never come to Saranac Lake for New Year’s.
***
As he dressed for New Year’s Eve dinner in a tuxedo, Amity couldn’t help wondering what the fuck had happened today on the chairlift, why Jane had gone from warm and cozy to cool and distant.
All day he and Jane had been like a couple—flirting, holding hands, his arm around her, her head resting on his shoulders, moving inexorably in the direction he wanted—and then suddenly, BAM, without warning, she’d changed course completely.
Friendship.
Amity sneered at his reflection in the mirror, running a hand through his hair. What a terrible word.
Just outside his room, he could hear his brother pouring champagne, and the voices of Jane and her sister offering a toast, but Amity lingered in his room for an extra minute, trying to figure out what to do.
So you’re coming to Philadelphia?
Hmm. Is she insulted that I chose the St. Jude’s fellowship over the one at CHOP? he wondered.
He didn’t have anything against CHOP, and being closer to Merit would have been a plus. But in comparing the programs, St. Jude’s had come out with a slight edge over CHOP, mostly because the cost of living in Tennessee was so much more reasonable and Amity had spent a good portion of his trust fund putting himself through med school. He figured he’d save some money and still get the same great experience.
“Damn it,” he muttered. He didn’t mean to upset her. He certainly didn’t think poorly of CHOP’s program.
He needed to set it right if he wanted a chance with her. He needed to let her know that he didn’t mean any disrespect to her hospital just because he’d chosen a fellowship at another. He wouldn’t lose this chance with her. He couldn’t.
Leaving his room determined, he joined the others in the living room.
“There he is! My little brother. Want some champagne, Am?”
Full of high spirits, Merit offered Amity a flute of bubbly. And Amity took it, but he only had eyes for Jane. Dressed in a strapless midnight-blue silk cocktail dress, she was, hands down, the loveliest creature he’d ever seen.
It’s been really nice to resume our friendship.
Screw that.
