by E. L. Todd
“The internships book up really quickly,” I said. “They only take about five applicants.”
Marie nodded in agreement.
“But I got you an interview for an editorial position.” I waited for her reaction.
She dropped the nail polish on the table and spilled it across the surface. “What?” She didn’t care about the mess and didn’t bother cleaning it up. “Whoa…what did you just say?”
Seeing the happiness in her face made that terrible night worth it. I had to watch her have a date with some other guy and suffer in silence. But seeing that joy made it less unbearable. “Your interview is next Monday.”
“Oh my god.” She covered her face and got the nail polish on her cheeks. “You’re serious?”
“Yes.” I forgot about all my pain for a moment, just basking in her glory.
“Oh my fucking god.” She jumped to her feet and knocked the chair over. “I can’t believe this.”
“I can’t believe it either.” Francesca grabbed a towel and threw it over the nail polish to soak up the paint.
Her fingers dug into her hair. “I can’t believe you did that…”
I’d do anything for her. She didn’t know that by now? “I just wanted to help…”
She slid onto my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. “Thank you so much.” She buried her face in my neck, transferring the paint to my cheeks. She probably got it on my clothes too but I didn’t care.
My arms naturally wrapped around her, sitting at the area just above her hips. I closed my eyes and treasured her scent. It washed over me like a warm tide. Her hair tickled me slightly, touching me the way it used to. Feeling her on my lap was heaven.
I missed this.
Marie pulled away when she realized she’d been sitting on me for too long. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to.” And I’d do it again.
“Prada is amazing,” she said. “I didn’t bother applying because I thought it was pointless.”
I wish I’d given Stacy that answer. “See? I told you something good would come around.”
“Because of you.”
I shrugged in modesty. “You deserve the best. I’m glad I knew someone who could help.”
Francesca cleaned up the mess then handed Marie a fresh towel. “I’m excited for you and everything but you’ve got nail polish all over the place—including your face.”
“Oh, thanks.” Marie took the towel and walked into the bathroom.
Francesca threw away the towel soaked in nail polish. “Seriously, Axel?”
“What?” My eyes were still glued to the hallway, waiting for her to come back.
“You’re going to sit there and tell me you don’t love her?” She blocked my view, her hands on her hips and a pout on her lips.
“Frankie, not now.”
“Not now?” she snapped. “Axel, what the hell are you doing? Marie isn’t just some girl. I’ve never seen you do anything selfless in my entire life, so this means something.”
“I care about her.”
She rolled her eyes then stomped her foot. “You. Love. Her.”
I turned away and looked out the window, not wanting to listen to this anymore.
“Axel, I don’t get it. Please help me understand.”
“Marie is just a friend, okay? People can break up and be friends.”
“You guys aren’t broken up.”
Then why was she seeing some guy?
“You guys are just dancing around each other. When she moves, you move. Maybe you guys are technically apart but your minds are still connected. Honestly, your relationship is hardly different than the one I had with Hawke.”
I didn’t agree with that at all. “That’s a big jump. He took off and I still don’t know why.”
“And you broke up with Marie and I still don’t know why.”
“I told you why. Marie and I want different things. She deserves things I can’t give her.”
“Bullshit.”
I was tired of arguing with my sister so I dropped it. “I should get going.” I left the chair and headed to the door.
“You know what?”
I didn’t turn around.
“You’re a coward, Axel. The biggest coward I’ve ever met.”
I stopped in my tracks. There was nothing more offensive she could possibly say to me. Our father took the easy way out and abandoned us. He was the real coward. To compare me to him was painfully insulting. “Excuse me?” I slowly turned around, feeling my arms shake.
“You’re scared to love Marie because you’re afraid you’re going to lose her someday. It’s easier just to let her go now before it gets too rough. That makes you a coward. Just live your life and appreciate everything. Don’t think about the ending before it even begins.”
“Shut up, Francesca.”
“I will not shut up,” she snapped. “We all lose each other one way or another. People die, Axel. It’s the way life is. You can’t stop living just because that happens. I know we’ve both lost a lot of people but that doesn’t mean we need to stop loving people out of fear.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I turned back to the door.
“Hawke left me.” The tears entered her voice. “He promised to be with me forever. He promised to spend his life with me. He was the one, the only person I ever wanted to end up with. But he left. He walked out on me and left. It hurt—bad. But I didn’t stop living.”
Now I was pissed. I turned around and grabbed the chair closest to me. I slammed it on the ground and snapped it in half. “You tried to kill yourself, Francesca. Or do you not remember that? Was it all just a blur because of all the pain medication you were on? Just because you apologized for it, it’s water under the bridge? What the hell would I have done if I lost you? What the hell would I have done if you left? You’re all I got left but you still tried to leave. Now who’s a fucking coward?”
Francesca kept a straight face but her eyes coated with distant tears, showing the true emotion underneath.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through, Francesca. You have no idea what it was like to sit at your bedside and hope you would wake up. You have no idea what it’s like to get that phone call. Don’t sit there and judge me for whatever insecurities I have. It’s your fault they exist at all.” I turned away and tried to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Francesca followed me. “You know how to fix all of that? To erase all the pain you feel every single day? You want to know how to get rid of it? I’ll tell you.”
I opened the door and walked out.
She chased me, hot on my tail. “Love Marie and let her love you back. I promise you, it’ll fix everything. She’ll fill that void in your heart. She’ll make you forget that you’re missing something. She’s the answer to all of your problems. Don’t throw her away.”
I reached my truck but didn’t walk around it. I stood there, breathing hard and combating all the pain I felt deep inside.
When Francesca realized I wasn’t going anywhere she lowered her voice. “Axel, come on. Don’t be scared.”
“I’m not scared.”
“Then you’re in denial.”
I turned around and looked at her. “When Hawke left, you completely fell apart. And no offense, but you aren’t the same person anymore. It broke you so much that you turned suicidal. You think I want to go through that?”
“You won’t,” she said. “Marie isn’t going to leave.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know that. I see you two together. I listen to Marie talk about you. I listen to you talk about her. It so similar to what I had with Hawke. I didn’t believe in soul mates before he came along. Only when it looked me in the face did I start to believe.”
“Marie isn’t my soul mate,” I snapped. I didn’t believe in that destiny nonsense.
“Have you ever felt this way for someone before?”
“That answer is irr
elevant.”
“No, it’s not. Axel, you’re totally different with her. She’s not just some girl.”
“And if she were my soul mate we would have been together a long time ago.”
‘That’s not true.”
She was irritating the shit out of me. “Look, I don’t believe in your stupid magic hocus pocus bullshit and I never will. Don’t try to get me back together with Marie by filling my head with nonsense. Maybe that shit worked on Hawke but it won’t work on me.”
“Maybe you’re just stubborn and need to chill out.”
“And maybe you need to mind your own business.” I walked around the truck so I could get away from her.
“Stop wasting time, Axel. She’s going to end up with someone else if you keep this up.”
“She should end up with someone else.” I hopped into the truck and started the engine. My foot hit the gas hard and I spun out before I hit the street. I didn’t realize how fast I was going until I ran a stop sign. Then I slowed down, knowing I was about to kill myself if I didn’t calm down.
One Too Many
Marie
Jason drank his coffee while his eyes remained glued to my face. He watched me carefully, like he was searching for something that could only be found in my eyes. “You seem distracted today.”
I heard Axel and Francesca argue the other night. It was impossible to tune out. I hoped the fight would have a good resolution, where he would ask me to be his forever. But he took off instead. “Got a lot on my mind.”
“Such as?”
“Well…I got an interview with Prada.”
“Wow,” he said. “I didn’t know you even applied.”
“Well, Axel got it for me. He knows someone who works there.”
“The same Axel we met at dinner?”
I nodded.
“The same Axel you’re still hung up on?”
I didn’t see the point in denying it. “Yeah.”
“For a guy that ran out after you told him you loved him, he sure seems invested in your wellbeing.”
“He’s complicated…”
“It seems like he’s just as into you as you’re into him.”
I wish that were the case. “He doesn’t want anything serious.”
“You’re telling me this guy went out of his way to get you an interview out of the goodness of his heart?”
“I guess…”
“I think there’s more to it.”
“Maybe…maybe not.”
He sipped his coffee again and continued to watch me. “I don’t care if you still have feelings for the guy since you’re honest about it, but if you guys are going to get back together I’d rather not waste my time.”
He had every right to feel that way. “I still have feelings for him and I doubt I’ll ever get over him. But we’re definitely not getting back together.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He has a girlfriend.” I hated saying that out loud. And I hated thinking of the woman he was with. When he saw me with Jason I thought he might flip out, but he didn’t show any emotion whatsoever—because he was seeing someone else too.
“Really?” He tilted his head.
“Yeah.”
“He won’t be with you but he’s with someone else?”
“This girl isn’t the type who wants something serious…”
“Oh…I see what you mean.”
“But I understand if you still see this as a waste of time. Who wants to date someone that’s into another guy?” I knew I wouldn’t stick around.
“It’s not a waste of time. The fact you’re honest about it is really attractive. People always lie about that sort of thing. They’ll date someone just to get over someone else. The fact you don’t lie about it is really refreshing.”
My lips automatically rose into a smile. “Somehow, you made me seem cool and not a loser.”
“You’re definitely not a loser.”
“Well…thanks.”
“It took guts to tell a guy you loved him. And it took guts to still be friends with him after that awkward ending. I think you sell yourself short.”
It was the first time I actually felt something more for Jason. He was a perfect guy and he was sitting right in front of me. A relationship with Axel would never blossom and I needed to move on. “You’re really sweet.”
“Eh. My friends just say I’m a pussy.”
I chuckled then looked down into my coffee. “Definitely not a pussy.”
He finished the rest of his coffee then broke down the cup until it was a ball on the table. “You want to go to a ball game or something?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll buy you a chili dog.” He winked.
“Ooh…and I’ll buy you a beer.”
***
As soon as I came home I knew something was wrong. Francesca was sitting at the kitchen table but a lifeless look was in her eyes. Depression filled the atmosphere, and I was eerily reminded of those months when she’d barely take a bite of anything. Did Hawke stop by? Did he say something to her? “What’s wrong?” I didn’t want to go down that dark path again, the kind where I didn’t know if Francesca would be at the end of it.
“Nothing.” Francesca played with a strand of her long hair.
“Is it Cameron?”
“No.” She fidgeted with it for a few more moments before she let it fall to her shoulder. “Tomorrow is the anniversary of my father’s death…” She grabbed the strand of hair and began to fidget with it again.
“Oh…” I always forgot the exact dates. I knew they were just a few weeks apart. “I’m sorry.”
“I always think I’m in a better place when it comes around, but when it does I realize how wrong I am. It’ll never be the same without my parents. To this day, I still expect them to walk through the front door.”
I took the seat across from her. Both of my parents were still alive, and I’d never lost anyone before. I couldn’t begin to understand how that must feel. She only had Yaya and Axel left in the world. It was understandable to feel lonely. “I’m here. I can come to the cemetery with you.”
“No, it’s okay,” she said quickly. “I want Axel to come but he never will.”
When Axel talked about his father his voice was always full of bitterness. He hated the man but couldn’t stop comparing himself to him. “He never has?”
She shook her head. “He didn’t even come to the funeral.”
Damn, that was bad.
“I’m okay going alone. That’s not the problem. I just think Axel is causing himself more grief by staying angry. He needs to forgive our dad and let himself heal. Every time I tell him that, he tells me to shut up.”
That sounded about right.
“I’d ask you to talk to him but I don’t think it’ll make a difference.”
“Yeah…” I didn’t want to stick my nose in his personal business, not after that argument he had with Frankie. “Maybe he just needs more time to move on.”
“It’s been seven years…”
“Everyone heals at different speeds.”
“I guess.” She pulled her hair in a quick ponytail then walked into the kitchen. “I’m going to bake something…that’s the only thing that makes me feel better.”
Anniversary
Axel
I called in sick today.
I didn’t care if it pissed off my boss or piled more work on someone else. It was one of those days where I just wanted to sit in the dark and be alone. The date didn’t escape my notice.
On my mom’s anniversary I visited her grave and brought flowers. I always took time out of my life, no matter how busy I was, just to see her. Sometimes I ran into Francesca and sometimes I didn’t. We always mourned differently—never together.
But I wasn’t going to my father’s grave.
I didn’t go to his funeral and I hadn’t visited him once. If he chose to leave voluntarily, then he didn’t deserve my sympathy or compassion. We just lost
our mom and he chose to follow her rather than look after the two kids he made with her. I could understand that kind of despair, but I couldn’t understand that kind of cowardice.
I tried to keep my mind off of it by watching TV. I lay in my sweatpants and t-shirt, the same thing I slept in. My phone was somewhere in my room. I didn’t want to have it on me because I knew Francesca would call me. She’d pester me to visit Dad, like every other year.
I wasn’t going to do it.
I was just about to fall asleep when someone knocked on the door.
Irritation immediately swept through my body and I ground my teeth together. Francesca only called me. She never arrived at my doorstep like this. It ticked me off because she failed to understand my personal space.
I walked to the door and opened it. “You’re crossing a line—”
Marie stood on my doorstep, holding a bouquet of flowers. She didn’t seem surprised by my outburst, like she suspected I would assume she was Francesca. “Hi…”
“Hi…” I stared at her in disbelief, unsure if she was really there.
“I’m sorry to bother you…can I come in?”
Where were my manners? “Sure.” I allowed her inside before I shut the door. “Sorry…I thought you were Francesca.”
“It’s okay. I understand.” She set the flowers down on my table. Then she stared at me, keeping several feet in between us.
I was a mess, wearing the same clothes as yesterday. My hair was in disarray and I hadn’t even brushed my teeth. “How’d you know I was home?”
She shrugged. “Lucky guess.”
Francesca must have told her what today was. There was no other explanation. If she thought she could get to me through Marie she was stupid. “I called in sick today because I wasn’t feeling well.”
Marie didn’t buy it. “Do you have any plans today?”
I shook my head.
“Well, I’m going to the cemetery if you’d like to join me.”
It wasn’t going to work. “I’m not going. But thanks for stopping by.”
She didn’t move to the door after I dismissed her. “Axel—”
“I know Frankie put you up to this. I’ve made my decision and I’m not going to change my mind. You should just go.”
