by Bea Paige
“Just what?” Ford asks, frowning.
“Fuck, I know Monk’s an arsehole and I know he deserved everything he got but I don’t like the fact I had to beat him to a pulp in order to survive here. That fucking sucks. I’m always fighting. When will it stop?”
Ford looks at me with a serious expression on his face. “Listen, Asia. He had it coming. You did what you had to do.”
“I know that. I’d do it again… I just wish I didn’t have to.”
“We all wish that, but this is the life we live. If we don’t fight we die, either literally or on the inside… I don’t plan on doing either, even though I’ve been close to doing both,” Ford murmurs. It’s quite a revelation. One that sits heavy between us all. Fight or flight, live or die. Beat or be beaten. Run and hide, or stay and fight. This is how it is for us. This is how we live our lives. The delinquents. The rejects. The misfits.
“How bad is Monk?” I sigh, knowing Ford’s right.
“Hospital bad,” Sonny explains.
“Then I’m fucked. My time here is done. There’s no way Mr Carmichael is going to let this slide. Too much shit is going on around here. He’ll know I was involved… look at me.”
I stare at my hands, at Monk’s blood caked across my knuckles. I still have the masking tape wrapped around them. I want it off. Now. Tugging at the tape, I wince at the pain I feel.
“Let me do that,” Ford says, taking my hands and holding them for a moment. I try to pull them from his grasp, but he refuses to let me go. “It’s okay, Asia. You’ve done the hard part. Let us help you with this.”
But he’s wrong. The hard part will be surviving what I’ve done. It always is. Nodding once, I force back the sudden emotion I feel. I can’t let it out, not here. Not in front of Ford and Sonny. Shutting down my emotions I watch Ford as he slowly peels off the masking tape from around my knuckles.
“No one’s going to talk. There’s a code of silence we all live by, you know that.”
“But how will Monk’s injuries be explained away? Mr Carmichael isn’t an idiot.”
Ford flashes me the tiniest of smiles; it’s like glimpsing the sun behind stormy clouds and I suddenly yearn to see its full beauty.
“Camden had a little bet of his own, apparently. If Monk lost he would have to confess to escaping from Oceanside and getting mugged.”
“Really? Why would Camden do that?” I can’t help but be suspicious of his motives.
“Monk disobeyed him. This is his punishment.”
“But he refuses to get rid of Monk from his crew. Why?”
“That I don’t know. If he were in my crew, the prick would’ve been gone the second I found out what he did to you.”
“Ouch.” I wince a little as the tape pulls at a split in my skin, a rivulet of blood runs down my finger. Ford grabs the hem of his t-shirt and presses it against the wound. The blood seeps into the white material, marking it.
“I’m sorry about Bram and Red. They’re your friends… even if they’re arseholes. You didn’t have to do that for me,” I suddenly blurt out.
“Correction, Asia. They were my friends. They also know the rules No Name crew abides by and they broke them out of pettiness and jealousy despite being my oldest friends. Loyalty means everything to me. Everything. When I give my all to someone, I expect the same in return. No fucking questions. No fucking excuses.”
“I’m still sorry. I seem to fuck everything up.”
“No!” he snaps. “No. This isn’t on you, Asia. This is on them. You’re just trying to survive. I understand that… I get it. Fuck knows I do,” he insists. And he does understand. I see it in the emotion that he tries to hide. It’s fleeting, but it’s there. His past has scarred him. Just like mine has.
When the last piece of tape has been removed Ford holds my hands in his. “How does this feel?” he asks, pressing gently against each knuckle with the pad of his thumb.
“Sore, but not agony,” I respond, staring at him whilst he inspects my hands. His dark blonde hair falls forward, covering his eyes and brushing against his straight nose. It doesn’t look like it’s ever been broken. I wonder how that’s possible given his history.
“I don’t think they’re broken. That’s good.” He looks up, catching me staring and sees me blush.
“Asia?” He cocks his head, a question in his eyes.
“I should get back to my room…” I pull my hands from his and stand suddenly, regretting it instantly as pain blossoms in my chin and my shoulder where Monk hit me. “I really want a shower and a change of clothes. Is Pink back?” I blurt out. She’s been lending me her clothes, seeing as I no longer have any of my own thanks to Monk.
“Yeah, she left me her key so you could stay in her room. She’s bunking up with Kate tonight. The girls are a little freaked out by all this shit. I said I would knock for them once you came around. But it’s way past three in the morning now. They’re probably asleep,” Sonny explains.
“I guess I should go to Pink’s room then?” I don’t know why I phrase that as a question rather than a statement, but that’s the way it comes out.
Ford swipes a hand through his hair, glancing at Sonny. “We’d prefer it if you stayed here. Besides,” he says, turning his back to me and walking to his wardrobe where he grabs a pair of clean black jogging pants and a grey t-shirt. “I’ve got clothes you can borrow for tonight, and we’d only come stay with you in Pink’s room, so you don’t have to leave…”
He lets that hang in the air as he passes me his clothes. “Feel free to use my shower. We’ll wait out here.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t.”
“Thank you, both. For everything,” I whisper, then hold the clothes against my chest and head into the bathroom.
Twenty minutes later, clean and dressed in Ford’s clothes, I step into the bedroom. Ford is lying on his bed, his arms pulled up behind his head. His muscles bunched are up, the sinews in his forearm defined. My gaze follows the curve of his arm to the dark blonde of his underarm hair. He looks incredibly sexy lying there like that. Sonny has brought a duvet and pillows and is lying on the floor.
“That doesn’t look very comfortable,” I say.
“I nicked Pink’s duvet as well as my own. I’m good,” he grins.
“She’ll murder you for taking her duvet and covering it with your smell,” I smile, imagining Pink’s reaction in the morning.
“She’ll get over it.”
“Feeling better?” Ford mutters, watching our exchange carefully.
“I’m cleaner, though I don’t really feel better. Everything’s stiffening up already.” I stand awkwardly at the foot of the bed, trying to work out where I’m going to sleep.
“You can lie down on the bed, Asia,” Ford says, watching me carefully. Sonny makes a kind of weird rumbling noise and when I look at him, he’s scowling.
“Where will you sleep?”
“I’ll take the floor with Sonny.” He shrugs.
“Errr, no…” Sonny grinds out.
“That doesn’t seem very fair… I’ll just go to Pink’s room. It’ll be fine.” I frown, shifting uncomfortably on my feet.
Ford chews on his lip then looks at Sonny. He slides his legs off the bed, pulling the duvet and pillows with him. “Get up a sec,” he says to Sonny.
I watch as he adds that duvet to the others then arranges the pillows so that there are three in a row. Three in a row… Then proceeds to settle himself on the right, whilst Sonny takes the left, leaving the middle just for me apparently.
“Lie down, Asia. We won’t touch you, promise.” Ford twists on his side, making room for me. Feeling a kind of nervous fluttering in my chest, I lie down between them looking at the ceiling. After a beat, Ford begins to talk.
“I want to apologise for something…” his voice trails off and I feel him shift closer to me. Sonny seems to do the same.
Oh, my fuck.
Even though neither are to
uching me, I can feel the heat of their bodies along the length of mine. “Apologise for what?” I whisper.
“Touching you the way I did.”
“You did what?” Sonny snaps. I daren’t look at him. I daren’t look at either of them. Nope, I’m keeping my gaze fixed firmly on the ceiling and the little piece of paint peeling next to the light fixture. Ford heaves out a sigh as I stiffen with tenseness, not because I’m afraid that he’ll do the same thing again like he did back in the outhouse, but because I want him to.
“I liked the way you touched me.” The words are out before I can stop them.
Sonny sits up. “Shit, I’m gonna leave you both to it,” he says, hurt evident in his voice.
“No. Wait!” I say, grabbing his arm.
“I liked the way you kissed me too and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what that means…” It’s barely a whisper, and I can’t look at him, but I know he’s heard because he lies back down, facing me this time. What am I supposed to do about these feelings I have for the both of them? Does it make me the skank Monk tells me I am because I like them both, want them both? Jesus.
Ford shifts beside me, propping his head on his arm so he can see me better. Out of the corner of my eye I can see him glance at Sonny.
“I’m not proud of myself, Asia. I manipulated you to get what I wanted, and I promised myself I would never do that to someone I like.”
“Fuck, man,” Sonny grinds out, tension oozing from him.
My own heart thuds like the bass drum of the Grime music I love so much. “Why do it then?” I ask quietly.
“I needed to know something about you, something from your past. Not just because it would help me to teach you to fight, but because I collect people’s memories so my own don’t seem so bad. Sick, right?”
“Ford, you prick,” Sonny says on a heavy sigh.
I turn to face Ford, my heart now in my throat as I look at him and see the first true sign of vulnerability since we met. This time he allows me to see it, just for a bit. Reaching up I cup his face before I can even think about what I’m doing. It’s instinctual.
“If you wanted to know something about me you should’ve just asked.”
“I did, you refused,” he smiles then, and just like the sun it blinds me. Jesus, his smile… warm, genuine, fucking life bringing. Oh, I’m so screwed. My heart pounds loudly as the storm I carry within me always turns into a cloud of butterflies.
“That’s true.” I laugh lightly, trying to fend off the nervous ache I feel. Then regret it as I wince with pain.
“Easy, Asia. I know Ford’s entertaining, but try not to give yourself internal bleeding,” Sonny jokes, lightening the mood with his humour. I appreciate it. I appreciate him.
“Ha bloody ha,” I retort, feeling the pull of both Sonny and Ford, and not knowing what to do about it. We all fall silent as I remove my hand from Ford’s check and rest it on my stomach. He places his warm hand over mine, his fingers curling around my knuckles carefully.
“I know you don’t want a place in my crew, Asia. I respect your wishes. I respect you. But I will never coerce you into giving me information like that again. I want you to tell me stuff because you trust me enough with your pain. I’m sorry for what I did.”
It’s a heartfelt apology, and one that for some reason makes me well up. I blink back the tears. Why am I so emotional? I suddenly feel so exhausted that all I want to do now is sleep. He senses that and leans over pressing a delicate kiss against my forehead.
“Sleep, Asia. I’ve got you.”
“Correction: whether you like it or not, Ford, and whether you feel comfortable or not, Asia. We’ve both got you,” Sonny adds. He kisses my cheek. His lips lingering, and my body reacts instinctively as a rush of heat pools between my legs.
“He’s right, we do,” Ford agrees, settling himself into a comfortable position beside me. He’s still holding my hand, and even though that simple gesture isn’t supposed to turn me on, the fact that his thumb is rubbing gently over my skin, does.
“Sonny made a decision tonight. He’s agreed to join No Name crew,” he explains.
“You have?” I question, turning to look at Sonny.
“This might make Ford’s ego grow to ridiculous proportions but he’s a good guy. I might not agree with everything he’s done or said, but I know that we’re stronger together than apart. I get that now. Besides, who else is gonna keep that ego in check but me?” Sonny says, a wry grin pulling up his lips. The dimples are back; the dimples are doing something stupid to me right about now. Those bloody dimples. All these thoughts rush through my head, making it spin. Then Sonny runs his knuckles down my bare arm so lightly that I almost think I’ve imagined it and those thoughts spin to something elicit. My skin prickles under their touch. These two are killing me.
“There’s no pressure on you. Whatever you decide, we’ve got your back, Asia.”
“Always,” Sonny adds.
“Always,” Ford agrees.
And just like that Ford and Sonny shuffle closer, both of them wrapping an arm over me, folding their bodies around mine. Neither push for more though I know they want to. But this whole thing… us, is confusing and new and exciting and terrifying. Right now, I need to wrap my head around whatever this is. As much as I want Ford’s hand to slide lower and Sonny’s lips to meet mine, I also need to be careful, certain, sure of my feelings. There’s still Eastern who I can’t stop worrying about, thinking about. I know there’s more to us than just best friends and it isn’t fair to dive headfirst into whatever this is with Ford and Sonny until I resolve those feelings for Eastern. I need to see him, speak to him first.
Then there’s Camden and his strange on/off behaviour with me and the weird attraction I feel towards him, towards the guy who fucked things up for Eastern. I feel guilty about that attraction, that pull. Now certainly isn’t the time to bring it up.
“Rest, Asia…” Ford whispers. His voice soft, cajoling.
“We’ve got you,” Sonny reminds me. The warmth of his breath sliding over my skin.
“Thank you,” I murmur, not able to find the words I need to express how I truly feel.
I’m not just thanking them for tonight, or for how they’ve stuck up for me and had my back since I’ve been here. I’m thanking them for so much more than that.
For the first time in a very long time, I allow myself to trust in someone other than Eastern. I allow myself to be held by both of them. Ford and Sonny might not understand the significance of this moment, but I do. I do. Maybe joining Ford’s crew isn’t such a bad idea after all?
33
Almost another week passes and on Friday afternoon, I find myself chilling out in the rec room waiting for Kate and Pink. Kiss FM is playing on the radio and my foot is tapping in time to the music. Kate is currently at her one-to-one therapy session with Mr Burnside and Pink has her extra-curricular class in mechanics. The girl is a walking talking contradiction. She loves it though and doesn’t care that she gets her clothes covered in grease and oil on the regular. Not that it matters, the chick has a ridiculous amount of clothes. Likely all stolen. She’s tried to give me a few, and I’ve happily taken a couple of tops and jeans off her hands, but some of her clothes are a bit out there, even for me. I’m kind of jealous that she’s already got to start her extra-curricular class, my physiotherapy lessons aren’t scheduled until after the Christmas break, which is why I have an extra couple of free periods this term.
Putting my feet up on the coffee table in front of me, I rest my head on the back of the sofa and close my eyes. I don’t normally hang out here on my own, but I’m taking the risk today given Kate will be finishing in about half an hour and Monk is still in hospital. I managed to break his nose and shatter his cheekbone, not to mention split his lip and eyebrow. He might’ve got what he deserved but I still don’t like it. The rest of the shitheads who jumped me aren’t nearly as ballsy when he’s not around and definitely not since I beat him in
that fight.
Thoughts of Monk are quickly replaced with thoughts of Ford and Sonny, and before long my cheeks are flushing at the memory of their arms wrapped around me. Following that night and my fight with Monk, things have changed dramatically between us. I feel safe around them both. That’s the only way I can describe it. Safe and attracted to them. It’s the same kind of way I feel about Eastern, that I know they’re going to be my friends for life and maybe, hopefully, something more. I can admit that now.
I can even admit that about Eastern, even though he isn’t here to witness my 360-degree change of heart. Trouble is, that’s three boys I’m attracted to. Four if I include Camden, which I won’t. That’s two too many, right? I don’t even know what to do with that.
That night I’d slept solidly for eight hours in Ford and Sonny’s arms and not once had either tried to take advantage of the situation. True to their word they just held me, and it had felt good.
So, so good.
Like I belonged.
My heart squeezes painfully. I really don’t know how to handle these feelings for them all. For the past few days I’ve been avoiding any real kind of conversation with them under the pretence I’m healing, recovering from the ordeal of the fight, and whilst part of that is true, not all of it is. Pushing thoughts of Ford and Sonny firmly out of my head, I manage to get another five minutes of peace before the door swings open and two of my least favourite people walk into the room.
“Did you fucking see his face?” Red says, laughing loudly as she saunters into the room, Bram following her. I groan. Great, just what I need.
“Yeah, looks like things are going to hot up even more around here. I can’t fucking wait,” Bram responds gleefully. The second they spot me, their smiles turn to sneers.
“Well, well, if it ain’t Ford’s little obsession,” Bram remarks, his gaze darkening with hate. I guess Ford hasn’t managed to change their minds about me then. Not that I give a shit. I don’t need their friendship or their respect.
