“I told ye, lass, I was born verra old, I feel. Just like wee Cooper. ’Tis why we get along so well. I can hear him calling for me down below. I best be on my way.”
CHAPTER 39
I moved back into Adwen’s bedchamber the day Isobel attacked him in the sitting room. Seeing her so feisty had been enough to convince me she was well on her way to recovery so I was no longer so weepy and in need of solitude.
The days following my return to his room were fine. We talked and cuddled and fell asleep in each other’s arms, but Adwen had been guarded, anxious over Isobel’s hostility toward him.
But this night, a full week later, was different. I knew it from the moment Adwen walked through his bedchamber door. His posture was relaxed, his eyes were playful, and his smile was infectious.
“You look happy.”
“Aye, I am. I shall make love to the woman I love tonight without worrying that Isobel may come into the room to murder me in my sleep.”
My mouth hung open as I struggled with which part of his sentence to respond to. Evidently, something had happened to make him believe that Isobel was no longer angry with him and that was great; but he’d also said that he loved me, and that had never happened before.
“You…you love me, huh?”
He smiled and walked over to me, sitting on the edge of the bed as he leaned in to kiss me until I was breathless and weak with need of him.
“Aye, I do, Jane. I love ye in a way I dinna know possible. And I want ye to stay here with me.”
“Stay?” I hadn’t thought much about where things with Adwen and I would go, but the thought of being anywhere with him, whether in this castle or beneath a blanket under the stars, thrilled me to no end. I’d pushed away any thoughts of our return home because I didn’t want to think about leaving his side.
“Aye, please do. I want ye here. I doona think I can bring myself to be laird without ye. I need to find ye in my bed each night to keep me from suffocating inside these walls.”
“Why do you have to be laird? You have two other brothers.” I hated that he was stuck in a situation he despised so much. It reminded me of my father, and I didn’t want Adwen to become like him.
“Mayhap I willna have to be forever, but my brothers are no ready, and I am the eldest. Ye dinna say if ye would stay, nor have ye spoken of love for me.”
I smiled, reaching for his shoulders as I pulled him toward me. “You know that I love you. I have ever since our horse ride toward McMillan Castle that first cold and infuriating night.”
“’Twas even before that for me, lass. I saw ye as Orick and I passed through the village. Ye stood with yer broom in one hand and ye looked mad. Yer hair flung about as ye danced and sang. It stopped me still.”
My eyes widened as memories of my one-woman show for the chairs at the inn flashed through my mind.
“You saw that?”
“Aye, ye are a lovely dancer. After I’ve had ye, mayhap ye will dance with me?”
I smiled as I leaned toward his ear to whisper, “I hope to not have the energy.”
“Ach, lass.” He pulled me from underneath the blankets so he could undo my laces. “Ye are hungry for me, aye?”
“Yes.”
His fingers moved quickly, untying the dress until it hung loosely on my shoulders. I could tell he was about to push it onto the floor when he paused.
“Give me an answer first, Jane.”
I didn’t mean to ignore him; I thought my answer was assumed.
“Yes, but,” I hesitated, unsure of how to say what I meant without making it seem like I wanted a proposal. If he offered it, I’d say yes, but marriage had never been all that important to me. I truly just wondered about the expectations of his role. “Would it be acceptable for me to live here, as your lover, if we aren’t married?”
“No.” He kissed my neck as he stood behind me. I melted into him, twisting to elongate my neck to give him more space to trail his kisses. “I want ye to be my wife, lass, but I doona wish to ask ye such a question while I bed ye. If ’tis acceptable, I’d like to put more thought into the occasion than that.”
I exhaled a shaky breath, my breasts rising and falling quickly as my need for him escalated. I nodded against his chest, and he reached around to thumb and pull at my nipples. I moaned and turned to face him, reaching to undress him before the other half of his first statement reentered my mind. I placed a hand on his chest to stop him.
“Wait. What happened with Isobel? You said she was no longer angry with you.”
“Jane.” He leaned forward so that his forehead rested on my shoulder. “Could ye no wait until after to ask me that?”
I laughed and removed his shirt. “No. I’m curious. She’s not spoken to you in days.”
“I doona wish to be vulgar, lass, but if the rosiness in her cheeks and the lightness of her step this morning gave any clue, I’d say that Gregor tupped her well and happy last evening, and it made her realize that there is many a reason to be grateful for good health.”
I chuckled. Isobel had hinted more than once that she missed that part of their marriage while being sick. “Yes, I suppose that would do it. She didn’t tell you that though surely?”
“No. She just came to me and said that she’d found enough peace in her heart to forgive me.” Adwen laughed and pushed me backward onto the bed. “I canna talk any more, Jane.”
I moved myself so that I lay open in front of him, spread out and ready for him to take me. He climbed over slowly, pressing his body flat against my own as he kissed me with so much passion that I feared I might weep from the emotions it pulled at within me.
I cried out as we came together, our movements synced in a way that I couldn’t tell the difference between his body and my own. It was not hurried or necessary like the times before. I could sense with his every movement that he meant to worship my body, to show me with every kiss and every touch, every deliciously slow trail of his tongue, that he loved me.
It seemed like we made love for hours. When we climaxed together, he claimed my scream with his mouth, and we kissed until he collapsed on top of me. Once we pulled away, he turned and scooted me into him so that my back curved with the front of his body. His fingertips trailed gently down the side of my body while we both worked to catch our breath.
I closed my eyes and allowed him to feel me, relishing in the delicious tickle of his movement against my skin. I’d never thought of sex as such an emotional experience, but we were now closer in a way that neither of us could explain, but I knew we both felt it.
When our breathing slowed and the edges of sleep began to pull at us both, he moved his hand downward and cupped the lower part of my stomach with his palm.
“What are you doing?” I smiled as I reached down to lay my own hand over his.
“I canna wait to put babes inside ye, Jane.” Tears filled my eyes even before he finished. “I wouldna be surprised if I just did. I felt as if I couldna be deeper inside ye, like we were the same person, Jane. Did ye feel it as well?”
I couldn’t speak. If I did, I knew he would hear the quiver in my voice. Instead, I nodded as he relaxed beside me. Everything precious about the moments we had just spent together suddenly felt tainted.
I had allowed him to tell him he loved me, agreed to stay here with him, all the while neglecting to tell him my truth. I’d not meant to. It just had not been at the forefront of my mind until he uttered those words.
I took a breath and rolled over to tell him. He was already sound asleep, the smallest trace of a smile still hanging on his lips. I bent to kiss him and moved to blow out the candles.
Covered by darkness, I cried as I crawled back into bed with him. Sleep now seemed far away. I spent the night struggling with which would be more cruel—to wake him and break his heart or let him sleep peacefully wishing for something I could never give him?
CHAPTER 40
I slipped out of bed early while it was still dark. Adwen slept soundly next to me
, his steady breathing loud enough that I knew my moving around wouldn’t wake him. I dressed in the same plain green gown I’d worn the day before, reaching for Adwen’s coat before making my way outside.
Everything still lay dark outside the front entry, the rising sun blocked by the enormity of the castle. I kept a hand on its outer wall, feeling my way around to the back side of the castle to where I could see the sun begin its slow rise. The waves were rough but beautiful below the rocks. Stepping toward the rocky hillside, I looked for a decent place to sit and watch the sun climb into the sky.
About fifty yards down, I spotted a large rock with a flat top that I knew would be the perfect viewing spot. The idea of such utter solitude made the risky climb downward seem worth it. I lifted my dress and started the climb, watching my footing carefully in the semi-darkness. I slipped twice, the earth beneath the rocks softer due to the snowstorm. Each time I held my breath, hoping that the small tumble of rocks wouldn’t lead way to a much larger rockslide. In the drier months when the ground beneath the rocks was less saturated, such a climb wouldn’t have been so ill advised, but I didn’t care today.
I needed to breathe, to calm my frazzled nerves and get a grip on the negative energy that seemed to permeate through me with every new breath. I wasn’t a worrier, and true anxiety was a foreign emotion to me, but this morning I felt I would choke if I didn’t stifle the panicky feeling that burned deep inside me. The air, the waves, even the jagged rocks seemed to hold an edge to them that made me nervous. It reminded me of the morning Isobel had fallen, and I had to force the horrible memory from my mind. This morning wasn’t like that day—there was no snow, Isobel was fine, everyone was safe.
More than likely, the uncomfortable feeling came from my guilt at being so cowardly with Adwen. He deserved the truth. If I stayed, it would affect him just as much as it did me. But even after his confession, I still failed to tell him that I could never bear his children.
I wasn’t like my sister—I’d not spent my entire life yearning for children. I didn’t see bassinets and binkies as a part of my future. Until Cooper, I never really thought of myself as a person who particularly liked children. Even still, Cooper was a rare breed of child. They could not all be that likeable.
Horrible pains and heavy bleeding sent me to the doctor my senior year of high school, and tests quickly showed that I had advanced endometriosis. Surgery ensued to help with the cramping, but they told me that pregnancy without the assistance of fertility treatments would be unlikely. It never concerned me until now.
It wasn’t that Adwen’s desire for children suddenly made me want them, but my love for him made the prospect of motherhood far less daunting. And, for the first time in my life, it saddened me to know that it simply wasn’t an option.
I should have told him the moment he mentioned children, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment, not when everything about it was so perfect and passionate. In truth though, I knew that more than anything, I was scared. Scared that it would change things somehow, that his desire to be with me would change if he knew I could never give him children. For someone in his position, it seemed rather important that he have heirs to inherit his lands and responsibilities. I could never give him that.
The waves were angry and loud against the rocks. Despite the roar of the water, I thought I could hear someone calling for me. I sat up and turned my head to listen but all was silent. I leaned back and closed my eyes, putting the noise off to a turn in the wind.
My heart nearly stopped when a hand grasped my shoulder.
“Adwen willna speak to ye for a fortnight if he catches ye out on these rocks.”
Recognizing Orick’s voice, I exhaled in relief and looked up to his friendly wink as he sat down beside me.
“God, you scared me. Did you call for me a moment ago?”
“Aye, I tried to tell ye to come up so I wouldna have to come down for ye, but ye dinna hear me.”
“I sort of did, but then I thought it was the wind.”
“Mm.” Orick closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as he smiled. “I love the smell of the water. Have ye heard of mermaids, lass?”
I nodded. “Yes, in fairytales and such. Why do you ask?”
“They are myths, I suppose, but ’tis a lovely notion I think. To spend one’s days within the ocean…I wouldna mind it. I’ve always felt a calling when near the water.”
“I didn’t know you enjoyed the water so much.”
“Oh, aye. I even thought of leaving with some fishermen on one of our travels, but I couldna bring myself to leave Adwen or his family. I’m a verra good swimmer—even in waves such as this, I could do well enough.”
He wore a thick coat and pants, but I had seen the strength and size of his muscles before. I didn’t doubt his ability to swim remarkably well. If the width of his chest was any indication of his air capacity, I imagined he could probably stay underwater just as long as many sea creatures.
“I’m a lousy swimmer.”
“Are ye? ’Tis another reason for me to get ye back up onto solid ground, lass. What are ye doing out here?”
“I don’t really know. I needed some air, and it just looked nice down here. I feel very nervous this morning.”
“Aye, I woke with an unusual feeling myself. I doona know why, but ’tis a day of meaning. I doona think I will forget it for a long time to come.”
It was a good summarization of the flurry of emotions I struggled with. The day felt important, and there was no reason for it to be so.
“Yes. Exactly.” The sun just now fully broke the horizon. “What are you doing up anyway? I figured everyone was still sleeping.”
“Wee Cooper has been staying with me, remember? I’ve never seen a lad who wakes so early. What has sent ye out here so early, Jane?”
“Adwen believes he loves me.”
Orick turned toward me, his brows pinched in confusion “Adwen believes nothing. He does love ye.”
“I know, but he wants children. And I can’t give them to him.”
“And ye havena told him?”
“I’m scared to.”
“Lass.” Orick reached for my left hand and held it gently between both of his own. “Hear this and doona doubt it. Ye needn’t ever be frightened of Adwen. Those that have Adwen’s love canna do wrong in his eyes. He would never love ye less for knowing that. There are other ways to find children—many wee souls without homes. He took in one orphan many years ago and loved the child well. I’m certain he would open his home and heart to another.”
I sniffled as I leaned in to hug him. “You have no idea how great you are, Orick. I’m quite fond of you. Thank you.”
“Ach, Jane, I’m verra fond of ye as well.” He paused and pointed back up toward the castle. Uncomfortable with any compliment, he was as humble as ever. “Cooper waits for us at the top of the hill. Are ye ready to go back? I doona wish to leave ye here alone. Ye may take a misstep on the way up. I’ll stay behind to catch ye.”
His words sent an inexplicable shot of terror down my spine. Suddenly, the last thing I wanted to do was to begin the short, upward climb. I had never felt such an unbearable sense of foreboding in my life.
“Why don’t you call after Cooper and tell him to go inside? Let’s stay here awhile.”
“Lass, ye couldna hear me when I called down to ye. I doona think Cooper will be able to hear me if I call up. Best we go up so he knows ye are well. Then, if ye wish to be alone, we will leave ye.”
“Okay.” I nodded, standing carefully as I brushed off the bottom of my dress. Orick stood and stepped over to the edge and held out his arm so that I would step in front of him.
The climb up was much more difficult than the climb down. More than once I had to grip on to rocks above me and pull myself up with my hands to find safe footing. Orick stayed close behind me, placing a steady hand on my back when necessary.
As we neared the top, I could see Cooper standing at the edge. As he called out to us, I lif
ted a hand to wave at him.
Everything happened so quickly as the rocks beneath my feet fell away. The sudden loss of footing caused my left hand to slip. As I fell backward, the last thing I saw was the look of horror on Cooper’s face.
CHAPTER 41
In truth, I couldn’t have slipped more than a few feet, but it felt like a hundred before Orick’s strong hands caught me firmly around the waist. He had to push me forward to keep us both from falling, and my face smashed hard against the jagged rocks in front of me.
“Jane. Jane, are ye hurt, lass?”
I would have a few scratches, but I would be grateful for even a few broken bones if it meant not falling to my death.
“I’m fine. Thank God for you, Orick. I could kiss you.”
He laughed, and I felt his chest shake against my back. “Ach, ye’ve done that once, lassie. I doona think I could bear those sweet lips again. Besides, Adwen is no here to see ye do it. If ye wish to kiss me, please wait until we both get to see the look on his face.”
“Aunt Jane. Aunt Jane. Are you okay?” Cooper’s frightened voice called down to us. Orick screamed upward to comfort him.
“Aye, lad, she’s fine, though she’ll have to pull herself up if she can. Cooper, I want ye to stay far back. Doona come near the ledge until yer aunt and I are both up there with ye.”
Orick adjusted his grip on me and pointed to a stone out of my reach.
“Jane, do ye see the large boulder up high above ye?”
I leaned back into him and nodded.
“I can lift ye to it, but ye will have to pull yerself the rest of the way up. Can ye do it?”
“I can try.”
He said nothing but lifted me with ease, holding onto my thighs as I reached for the rock. It wobbled when my fingers gripped it.
“Orick, I don’t think it’s sturdy enough. It might give way.”
“Pull on it for me, lass.” His voice sounded as if it were far, far away. I knew that once I was on solid ground, it would be even more challenging for him to find a way up on his own. Still, we could only solve one problem at a time so I pulled on the rock as he asked. It wiggled but didn’t give.
Love Beyond Compare (Book 5 of Morna’s Legacy Series) Page 20
