Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  I knew I’d been shameless when it came to trying to get him to be a part of my life. And he’d been pretty shameless himself, although that was before his overdose. Before he started trying to turn his life around.

  When I’d first met him, I hadn’t known about his substance abuse and depression. I told myself it probably wasn’t that bad. But then he’d overdosed on medication and had ended up in the hospital. He hadn’t been trying to kill himself, but still. Ryder had landed in therapy and Lucah had started watching every little thing he did so he wouldn’t backslide.

  “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I said, and the words made my stomach turn again, and it wasn’t from the hangover.

  “Good. I was hoping you’d be okay with that. You understand, right? When I’m around you . . . I want to make bad decisions. That’s not your fault, it’s just the way things are.” It sure sounded like it was my fault. But I kept my mouth shut. This wasn’t about me. This was about Ryder getting his shit together. Maybe once he did that . . .

  Maybe.

  “I know, I know. It wasn’t a really good decision on my part either. I’ve got so much going on with my new lingerie line and fashion show coming up, so I really don’t have time for distractions either.” Ryder Blythe was so much more than a mere distraction. That was like calling a hurricane a little bit of wind and rain.

  “So, I guess I’ll see you in a few days, then? Lucah will want me at dinner so I can give him my progress report and watch me eat all my vegetables.” He was trying to make light of it, but that wasn’t really going to help. Not being able to even be friends with him was going to suck majorly.

  “Better eat your Brussels sprouts,” I said, trying to keep up with the joke.

  “Yeah. Or else he’s going to beat my ass.” I’d like to see Lucah try. He was in pretty good shape, but Ryder had weight and muscle mass on his side. Their other brother, Tate, was the scrawniest one of the three, and he wasn’t even that scrawny. There were some damn good genes in that pool.

  “Okay, well, I guess I’ll just see you around, then?” I said.

  “Guess so.”

  He hung up and I set my phone down on the kitchen counter. Ryder and I were over before we’d even started.

  A knock at the door snapped me out of my thoughts. I glanced out the peephole to confirm who I thought was on the other side.

  I unlocked the door and let Rory in. She still looked tired.

  “Hey,” she said. “I just wanted to come over and see if we’re good? Lucah is still really upset, but I didn’t want you to think I shared all his views.” I knew she didn’t feel the same, but it was nice to hear it anyway.

  “No, I know. It’s just such a weird situation. Ryder being your boyfriend’s brother and everything.” It was a complete mess.

  She sat down at the breakfast bar and slumped over. “It is weird. The only way it would be weirder is if Tate and Marisol hooked up. Not that that would ever happen, seeing as how Tate is happily married and Marisol is definitely with Fin now.” Once upon a time, Rory’s parents had wanted her to be with Fin, the son of one of their friends, but we’d set him up with our friend Marisol instead. Somehow it had worked out.

  “No, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I agreed.

  “So, you want to talk about it?”

  I thought about that for a minute, and then shook my head. “Not really. There’s not much to talk about. We got drunk and got naked and fell into bed together. I really don’t think there was any sex, not that I’d remember it anyway. And Ryder has already called and said that we can’t even be friends right now, so you can tell Mr. Ginger that he got what he wanted.” I tried not to sound bitter, but I couldn’t help it. I was bitter.

  “Hey, that’s not what he wants. He’s just so worried about Ryder. You should have seen him when he found out. It’s just . . . not a good time right now for this, Sloane. It’s just not.” Rory was going through her own crisis right now at work and this on top of that was probably driving her over the edge.

  “Okay, fine. Message received,” I said.

  She gave me a tired smile. “Good. So, on to other matters, I wanted to do something for Lucah to celebrate our pre-engagement.” She looked down at Lucah’s mother’s class ring, which adorned one of her fingers. The ruby glinted in the light. He’d given it to her as sort of a promise ring. They may as well be engaged for real. Those two were definitely headed for the altar.

  “Uh huh. Go on,” I said, pulling down pots and pans to make dinner. I didn’t feel like doing anything elaborate, so I was going to stick to steak and potatoes and a salad.

  “And I was thinking you could make me something to put under my dress? Something sexy?” I’d made plenty of sexy things for Rory already. Fortunately, she didn’t mind being my lingerie test subject. Neither did Marisol, who I’d also used as a human model.

  “I can do you one better. How about I make you a dress with underthings to match?”

  Her eyes lit up. “You could do that?”

  I gave her a withering look. “Babe, when it comes to fabric, I can make just about anything.” That wasn’t being cocky, it was simply stating a fact. I was only good at a few things, and making clothes was one of them.

  “I know you can. I do not doubt your skills in the slightest. I just didn’t think you’d have time,” Rory said.

  I wasn’t lying to Ryder when I said I had a lot going on. I did. I just wanted him to be a part of that.

  “I’ll make time,” I said, pulling out some potatoes and washing them in the sink. “I’ll always make time for you, Future Mrs. Ginger.” I’d started teasing Lucah about his hair color long before I met Ryder, who also shared the redhead gene. But Ryder’s hair was a darker, deeper red.

  “You’re the best. And I’m glad you and Ryder didn’t . . . you know. I just think it would be a complication in your life that you definitely don’t need right now. Ryder is . . .” Damaged. Broken. Needed to go to the repair shop.

  “I know. I know. I’m going to stay away from him. It’s the best thing for the both of us.”

  Rory nodded in satisfaction. “Need any help?”

  “You have got to be kidding.”

  She smiled. “Yup. I would never try and usurp your throne as kitchen queen.” Damn right.

  It was safe to say dinner that night was tense. Lucah was trying his best not to be a complete asshole, which I appreciated. Rory helped by trying to get us to talk about anything that wasn’t Ryder related. And they had music going so there weren’t long intense silences.

  “I almost forgot to tell you!” she said, nearly choking on a piece of steak.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Chloe totally got it on with one of those rich guys’ wives in one of the closets at the event. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you that!”

  Me neither. Chloe was on the rebound from her last girlfriend, Harmony, who, despite her name, only seemed to cause destruction. The bitch had ripped Chloe’s fucking heart out and stomped on it for good measure. If I ever saw her again, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.

  “So I guess she’s getting over Harmony by getting under someone else?” I said.

  Rory shook her head and sighed. “I wish I knew someone good I could set her up with. What about you?” She directed the question at Lucah. “Know any eligible lesbians who will put up with a lot of baggage?”

  “Not offhand, but I’ll keep my eyes open,” he said.

  “I bet you will,” Rory said.

  “I only have eyes for you, sunshine,” he said. He seemed to be getting back to his old self. Or at least his non-angry-with-his-brother-and-me self. He wasn’t a bad guy when it came down to it. He treated Rory the way she deserved to be treated and he’d been really good for her. Bottom line: He made her happy and I couldn’t ask for more than that.

  “Damn right, Mr. Blythe,” she said. It was still weird to hear that name, as opposed to the name he’d used when he introduced himself th
e first time—Lucas Blaine—which turned out to be an alias. Apparently his job as Rory’s new administrative assistant was a front for him to be a corporate spy and root out the people in the company who turned out to be embezzling money. It sounded a lot cooler than it actually was.

  They shared one of those looks that couples who are completely comfortable have. I tried not to feel that little pang of jealousy, but you can’t stop feeling the way you feel.

  “Tell me more about this hookup with Chlo,” I said, and they both looked at me as if they’d forgotten I was there.

  “Well, I guess the woman is the wife of some bigwig politician. I’m just hoping no one saw or else I’m going to have to start calling her Monica Lewinsky from now on.” I snorted at the joke. I was totally going to start calling her that anyway.

  The dinner was a sad affair without Ryder. I was a third wheel on a date and it sucked. At least when he was here the two of us could tease Lucah and Rory.

  “You okay?” Rory asked, sensing my sad state.

  “Yeah, just tired. I feel like I want to sleep for a week.”

  “Tell me about it. I’m getting too old for this shit,” she said. I rolled my eyes. She was younger than me by a few months, but neither of us was anywhere near ancient.

  “You’re only as old as you want to be,” Lucah said, and I had to agree with him.

  “You just keep telling yourself that, grandpa,” Rory said, patting his shoulder. He scowled at her, but she leaned over and gave him a kiss. I could tell where this was headed, so I rushed to get the plates into the dishwasher.

  “Well, I’m going to go back to my cave and be alone,” I said, but neither of them was paying me much attention. Normally I didn’t mind being alone, but it was really starting to bug me lately.

  My apartment was the same when I opened the door, but it was too quiet. Too empty. I headed to the second bedroom that I’d converted into a studio. I decided I should start designing Rory’s dress and lingerie combination.

  I put on KONGOS and turned to a fresh page in my sketchpad. Some people might be terrified by a blank page, but I loved it. This paper might be empty now, but I could fill it with whatever I wanted. A blank page was total and complete freedom.

  I moved my pencil across the paper, letting my imagination take over. More often than not, I started with one idea and ended up with something completely different. I’d designed plenty of times for Rory before, and this time I wanted to do something new. Something that would make Lucah want to propose for real this time.

  A half hour later, I had a dress that I was really happy with. It was one-shouldered with beading along the top that flowed into a long skirt with delicate flower appliques. It was going to be a bitch to make, but I was totally okay with that. I could put one of my interns to work doing the beading and sewing on the flowers. I hadn’t decided what color I wanted it to be yet. I’d have to go through my stock and maybe go fabric shopping.

  The dress done, I moved on to the lingerie, echoing the beading and flowers. The whole thing was going to be spectacular, and I almost wished I could be on the date with them so I could see his reaction.

  I set my pencil down and stretched my arms up. “Come with Me Now” was playing, so I started dancing around the room. Maybe I should get a cat or something. I still wasn’t used to Rory being down the hall. Even when she worked crazy hours, I still knew that she was eventually coming home. I could head to my studio nearby, but it was kind of late. Not that lateness had ever stopped me before.

  Instead, I turned to a new page and started making more dresses and lingerie. By the time my eyes started to close I had five new outfits.

  Now I just had to make them.

  I checked my phone just to make sure Ryder hadn’t called or texted. Nada.

  Guess he was going to keep his word this time.

  I could say that Ryder and I agreeing we couldn’t be friends anymore wasn’t affecting me, but then I’d be a liar as well as a good cook and a fashion designer.

  I had a habit of making my interns cry, but I’d never made three of them cry in one day. That was a new record. And those three that cried? All quit. Those that were left seemed on the verge of tears, so I closed myself off in my little office and took a breather.

  A few minutes later, there was a tentative knock. Inari, my assistant and sanity-keeper, was there with a cup of coffee and a sympathetic ear.

  “If they can’t take this, then there’s no way they could ever make it in the real world,” she said, handing me a bakery bag with a cherry Danish in it. God bless this woman.

  “I know that’s true, but interns don’t grow on trees, and the good ones are hard to find for someone like me.” Most of the college students willing to work for free wanted to head to New York and hang out with Ralph Lauren or Betsey Johnson, not spend their time in Boston getting yelled at by me, Sloane Harris of SH Designs.

  Inari gave me a sympathetic look from behind her white-rimmed glasses. The first time I saw her, I knew I wanted her to work for me. Inari is the kind of girl who could rock dreadlocks and a bohemian dress with heels and a set of pearls like few people could. Plus, she could sew.

  “Well, I can go through the applications again, if you want.” We’d done that song and dance so many times before.

  “Guess we’re going to have to.” I hated hiring new people. There was such a steep learning curve, especially if they’d been taught bad habits. I could work with some idiot who didn’t know how to thread a sewing machine, or didn’t know what a French seam was, but I couldn’t do a whole lot with someone who had learned the incorrect way of doing everything. Bad habits were hard to break.

  “On the bright side, we still have Toby, Marina, Z, and Logan. That’s enough to keep things going for a while.” We both knew it wasn’t. I had a lot coming up and I needed extra hands. I had Inari, Jason, Kelly, and Paris as full-time employees supplemented with interns. But Kelly was talking about wanting to have a baby, and Jason was in a long-distance relationship and considering a move to Seattle.

  I needed more people. If only I could stop making the ones I had cry.

  The moment I stepped out of my office, everyone froze. It was almost funny.

  “Calm down. I’ve had some coffee and a Danish, and you can all stop cowering.” They continued to stare at me. Great.

  I sighed. “Okay, who wants coffee and donuts? On me?” That made their eyes light up. I glanced at Inari, and she smiled back at me and started taking orders. I guess I owed them for being such a bitch earlier. But you know what? Bitches got shit done.

  The mood in the studio was much lighter after the donuts and coffee arrived, and the work actually started to improve. I’d spent the day working with one intern (one of the ones left, anyway), Vivien, on her sewing skills. She wanted to learn, but she just didn’t pick things up that quickly, but the important part was that she tried.

  “I’m so stupid,” she said as she made a crooked hem.

  I held my frustration and took a breath. “You just need to slow down, that’s all. Just take your time and double check that everything is straight before throwing it through the machine. When I first started, I had the worst time getting anything to go straight.” I didn’t mention that I was ten when I got my first sewing machine. I’d saved up all my birthday money and spare change I boosted from my dad’s pants pocket every now and then, and a few dollars from walking dogs in the neighborhood. It was a piece of shit, and I had to take it apart, clean the entire thing, buy new parts, and put it back together. It took me all summer, but I got it done. My parents thought I was mental. Guess I should have been running around and getting caught messing with boys and smoking like my sister had. Instead, I ran a successful company and graduated from an Ivy League college, which you’d think they’d be over the moon about. Nope.

  She tried again, and finally got a straight seam. Hallelujah.

  “Good job.” I sometimes forgot the whole positive reinforcement bit. Usually I just screamed
at them when they did stuff wrong.

  “Thanks!” she said with a bright smile. It was much better than the look of fear most of them wore. I looked up to find everyone else staring at me, as if I’d done something I’d never done before. I’d given out praise in the past. I knew I had. I must have. Hadn’t I?

  “Get back to work!” I barked, and they scurried to go back to what they had been doing. Inari gave me a look. Yeah, yeah.

  It felt like the longest day ever, and I’d had some long days. But by six I was so ready to get out of there and back to my apartment that I told everyone they could go home if they wanted. You’d think I’d changed my name to Santa Claus. Vivien practically skipped out the door.

  “Don’t think that this is going to be a regularly occurring thing!” I yelled after them. I never let them go early, but then, I was usually the last one there every night. I worked longer hours than anyone, and I didn’t make them do anything I wasn’t willing to do myself. Sure, I yelled more than I should, but I was fair. No one got fired without just cause.

  Inari waited for me and we walked out together.

  “You sure you don’t want to get dinner?”

  I shook my head. “Nah, I should get home. I’m cooking for Lucah and Rory again.” I liked cooking for more than one. It gave me something to do in the evenings and it was a stress reliever after work.

  “Sure thing. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, heading for the parking garage to get her car while I headed for the nearest T station. Sometimes I took a cab, but that was usually when it was raining, or I had to carry something heavy. Public transportation was much cheaper.

  I checked my phone when I emerged from the station, but nothing. I sighed and walked toward my apartment. I looked up, wishing I could see the stars, but there were too many city lights. When I was a kid, I used to climb on the roof and watch the stars when I couldn’t sleep at night, which was on most nights. I was a chronic insomniac, which was probably why I got so much done.