Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  For the next few days Rory came over and had dinner with me, sans Lucah and definitely without Ryder. If she hadn’t told me he was down the hall, I might never have known. My fears that I’d bump into him in the hallway or going to the trash chute went away as I repeatedly didn’t encounter him.

  When I wasn’t hanging out with Rory (who was also trying to avoid the drama at her place) I was at work with Inari, hammering out the details of my show and going through the first round of intern applications.

  “No, yes, no, no, hell no,” I said, separating them into piles.

  “Okay, you only have four in the yes pile, and we need to hire three interns,” she said, “which means you are relying on those few to really wow you at the interview.” Very few people impressed me in interviews. Inari had been an exception.

  “I’ll go through them again,” I said, grabbing the no pile once more.

  “Oh, and we need to set up the model casting as well.” That was another thing I wasn’t fond of. If I could hire a bunch of robots to walk down the runway wearing my stuff, I’d do it.

  “Right, right,” I said, flipping through the applications. I added another one to the “hell no” pile.

  “If you want, I can set up the casting, call the agents, and all you’ll have to do is show up,” Inari said.

  “God bless you. Do you have time to do that?”

  “Absolutely. I will make time.”

  “Can I clone you?” I asked.

  “Um, you can try? I think it’s pretty expensive and not very reliable. That sheep they cloned didn’t live that long. Soooo.” We both laughed. Inari always knew how to make me smile.

  “Well, I’ll go and start setting that up, and you come back to me with at least four more applicants.”

  “Sounds good,” I said, giving her a big fake smile and a thumbs up.

  She just rolled her eyes at me. “I’ll bring you some more coffee if you do it,” she said in a singsong voice.

  “You’re evil!”

  Inari shut the door in response.

  “So, what are your ultimate goals?” I asked the girl sitting in front of me. She was dressed in a pink skirt, white cardigan, and had perky blonde hair. I almost asked her if her name was Elle Woods, but stopped myself. Inari was right beside me to keep me in check.

  “Um, well, I’d really like to make it to fashion week, and be like, an icon. I mean, I think I should have my own reality show.” She beamed at me as I fought the urge to punch her in the face.

  Inari nudged my foot and I reeled it in.

  “Well, that’s lovely.” I shut her resume and lookbook (which had massive amounts of pink in it and several pictures of the Kardashians and Paris Hilton), and smiled across the desk at her. It wasn’t easy. My face was getting quite the workout today.

  “Thank you so much for this. You’re, like, so cool.” I couldn’t hire this girl. Even if she had been qualified, I would strangle her in five seconds of her being here. And something told me she wouldn’t know shit about a sewing machine.

  “Well, we’ll let you know, Gabby.” I cringed at the nickname. What was wrong with being Gabrielle?

  “Great!” We shook hands, and she barely touched mine before she bounced out the door. I pretended to bang my head on my desk.

  “Okay, so even I will admit we can’t hire her. I’m an upbeat person, but that would just drive all of us crazy. And did you see her shoes?” Inari shuddered and tossed the resume and lookbook in the trash. Good riddance.

  “Okay, so that leaves us with the girl with the double nose piercing, the one who had the kickass handbag, the guy with the mohawk, and the girl with the blue hair,” Inari said, thumbing through the candidates we’d already interviewed. Luckily, the Paris Hilton wannabe was our last interview for the day. I didn’t think I could do any more.

  “Then that’s four,” I said, scanning through the resumes again. They weren’t the best, but they seemed malleable. I could train them.

  “Perfect. Do you want me to call them all tomorrow, or would you like me to bring them in for another test?” Back when I first started out and had been hiring interns, I’d made them do a sewing test. Most of them had failed, so I got rid of it or else I wouldn’t have hired anyone.

  “Oh, and I found you an accountant. He’s a CPA and he comes highly recommended. He’s coming over tomorrow to chat with you.” Sometimes Inari did things I didn’t want to do and then threw them on me so I had no choice but to get them done. This was one of those things.

  “Great. So we’re good.” I checked off everything I’d planned to do that day. Wow. That almost never happened.

  “We’re good. Tomorrow we need to choose the pieces for the show and the music, and start set designing.” It was a lot, but I didn’t care. I loved it. “I was thinking,” Inari continued, “that we might ask for ideas from the rest of the staff. They can be morons sometimes, but every now and then they have good ideas.” Okay, that was true. “What do you think?”

  “Well, normally I would say that’s a terrible idea and I don’t want to do it, but I want to do this show differently. I have a few ideas, but nothing is jumping out at me.” I’d played with a few themes, but everything I’d thought of so far felt cliché. I needed new. I needed fresh. I needed innovative. Let’s see what my minions could come up with.

  “Okay, so I’ll let them all know to get their minds percolating.” She hopped up and left me alone with the rejected resumes. I used my arm to slide them off the desk and into the trash.

  Everything was going well at work. I just wished my personal life would match. Then everything would be perfect.

  “He misses you,” Rory said that night as we ate tacos. My cooking had gone from fancy to comfort food. So far this week I’d made several soups, shepherd’s pie, and macaroni and cheese. If I kept it up I was going to actually have to start working out, and that was something I definitely didn’t want to do.

  Rory didn’t need to tell me who “he” was. I knew.

  “How do you know?” I asked, setting my taco back on my plate.

  “He hasn’t said anything. It’s just a feeling. I just know.”

  “Can you sense his aura?” I asked, and then cringed. “Sorry, I sound like a bitch.”

  “No, it’s okay. He’s a touchy subject. I should probably warn you or something when I’m going to bring him up. Maybe we can agree on a signal?”

  “How about you raise your hand?”

  “Cool. That works.” She raised her hand.

  “Yes, Rory.”

  “He misses you,” she said again. “Before, he was just a mess. Now he’s a depressed mess, and it’s so much worse. By the way, he’s growing a beard.”

  A beard. She really shouldn’t have told me that. Ryder would look so hot with a beard. A part of me wished I could see it and get the full effect. But that would probably shake my resolve. I couldn’t let that happen. Not until I’d built up an impenetrable wall between us.

  “Well, there’s not really anything I can do about it. I can’t have him in my life now, Rory. He messes things up.”

  “I know, I know. I just wish . . . I can’t imagine how much this must be hurting you. I wish I could do something to fix it.” Rory loved fixing things and making them right. But no one could fix this, not even Ryder.

  “I’m hurting, but I’ll get over it. I’m strong.”

  “Oh, I know you are. But it’s him I worry about. He’s in this dark pit and he’s dragging Lucah down with him. I don’t know what to do.” Her voice started to shake. I reached to grab her a tissue from the box I kept on the coffee table.

  “No, I’m fine,” she said, waving me off.

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.” She shook herself and wiped her eyes. “It’s just a lot sometimes.”

  “I bet. You can stay here anytime you need to. Even if it’s overnight.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot. Oh, I think I finally picked my wedding colors.” She started smiling
. Yay, wedding talk. Much better than Ryder talk.

  “And?” I asked. I was fully prepared to make suggestions. I had a whole list of potential color combinations.

  “Well, red, definitely. And I was thinking black for the secondary color. Or maybe a light blue?” She didn’t seem absolutely sure.

  “Well, red and black would be nice and classy, but they might be a little dark, unless you want to have an evening wedding. I think the red and light blue would be lovely. Especially considering Lucah has blue eyes.” I was already making the bridesmaids’ dresses in my head.

  “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.” She pulled out her phone and showed me some of the things she’d bookmarked.

  “Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been looking things up when I feel like my head is going to explode during work,” she whispered, as if one of her coworkers was going to burst in and call her out for planning her wedding during office hours.

  “Do you have a theme?” I asked.

  “Well, I keep thinking I’ve made up my mind and then I find something else. I need my maid of honor to help me,” she said, grinning at me.

  “At your service, ma’am.” I saluted her and then got out my laptop. I’d already bookmarked some things for her.

  We spent the rest of the night with glorious wedding stuff.

  “I’m so glad I have you,” she said, resting her chin on my shoulder as I showed her the most adorable hanging lights.

  “I know,” I said in a deep voice.

  “Star Wars?” she asked.

  “Yup.”

  I clicked through a website I’d found for creative favors.

  “So, are you guys going away this weekend?” I asked.

  “No. I mean, we can’t, with everything that’s happened. We have to babysit. I mean, Tate has offered to come and stay with him, but April is having a really rough pregnancy and is puking most of the time, so we told him to stay with her. It’s fine. We’ll go away when things calm down,” she said, but I could tell how unhappy she was.

  I thought about suggesting that I could stay with him, but that seemed like a terrible idea. Things were not good between me and Ryder. He was fresh out of the hospital and I couldn’t handle that. I felt bad about it, but it was for the best.

  “It’s fine,” Rory said with a smile. “We’ll have plenty of time to get away soon. And it’s not like we don’t see each other. I find all sorts of reasons to go down his department to give him memos.” She put air quotes around the last three words. I made a disgusted face and she smacked me on the arm.

  “Remember that you were the one who told me to have some quick, dirty sex with him? This is what it led to.” She looked down at her ring and smiled.

  “I’m so happy you’re happy,” I said.

  “Thanks. I just want you to be this happy. I feel like a bitch. Like I’m rubbing it in your face.” I shook my head. That was ridiculous. Did I get jealous sometimes? Yup. But I would never want to take away what she had. It was magical and beautiful and not many found what she and Lucah had. Love like that wasn’t for everyone. Maybe not for me.

  “Hun, you’re not rubbing anything in my face. All I ask is that I get to stand beside you when you say your vows. That’s all I want.”

  “Done,” she said.

  “Oh, and I also request that I not be part of any sort of choreographed dance routine during the reception,” I said with a shudder. She burst out laughing.

  “I can’t see Lucah being up for that either. Okay, no choreographed dances at the reception. Got it.”

  “And don’t do any of that unity sand crap. It’s so tacky.”

  “No unity sand. Any other requests for my wedding?” she said, still laughing.

  “Yup. Be happy.”

  “I think that’s one thing I can definitely do.”

  I thought I was totally off the hook for Ryder babysitting, but Friday during lunch Rory called me and said that April was in the hospital and might be losing the baby. Tate was flipping out and couldn’t deal with the other two girls and begged Lucah and Rory to come and help, at least until April was home.

  “I’m so sorry, but we really need to go,” she said. Her voice shook. She and April had grown really close over the past few months.

  “Oh, wow, I’m so sorry. Do you think she’s going to be okay?” I asked.

  “We don’t know. Everything is up in the air right now.” A male voice said something in the background and Rory responded.

  “We’re packing things up to leave right now. Which means… I know this is a lot to ask and could potentially blow up in our faces, but do you think you can check in on Ryder? You don’t have to stay with him constantly, but just maybe monitor him? And let us know how he’s doing? I’m so, so sorry about this.” She was getting hysterical and I heard Lucah trying to soothe her.

  It wasn’t the ideal situation, but they needed me.

  “Okay,” I said. “I can leave work early, I guess.”

  Rory sighed in relief.

  “Oh thank God. You are the best, Sloane. The absolute best. Now if anything happens or you feel unsafe at all, I want you to call the police, okay? If he gets arrested, he gets arrested. I don’t want you compromising your safety. I’ll also give you his therapist’s number and an emergency number. I think that’s it.” There was some sound, as if the phone was being passed over.

  “Sloane? I really want to thank you for doing this,” Lucah said. “It’s not ideal, but hopefully we won’t be gone more than a day. We’ll keep you posted.”

  “Okay,” I said, starting to feel numb. I really didn't want to do this, but there wasn’t much choice. It was happening.

  “I have to babysit him this weekend,” I told Inari when I got back from lunch.

  “What do you mean?” Yeah, it was a confusing situation if you didn’t know the players.

  I gave her the down low on the situation.

  Inari raised her eyebrows. “So, um, what will you do if he does something wrong? It’s not like you can put him in timeout,” she said, laughing.

  “Call the cops? I’ve also got his therapist’s number.”

  “I guess that works. Are you sure you’re ready for this? What if he gets violent?” Ryder wasn’t destructive toward anyone but himself.

  “I’ve got a gun in my bedroom. I’ll bring it with me and hide it in my purse.” I’d also taken self-defense classes in college. I was never going to let anyone mess with me.

  “Okay, but if you need anything, I want you to call me. My husband knows Krav Maga.”

  “Good to know. You’ll be my backup plan.” I smiled, but she didn’t smile back.

  “But seriously. I want you to call me.”

  “Okay, I will. Would you also like me to send you periodic text messages letting you know that I’m still breathing?” She was being a little overprotective. Ryder wouldn’t hurt me, at least not physically. My heart, on the other hand . . .

  Ugh. I needed to get over that. Like yesterday.

  “This is serious. I know you think you know him, but he’s in trouble and he’s unpredictable. Anything could happen.” Wow, she was really worried about me.

  “I’m going to be fine. Promise.” She didn’t look convinced. Only worried.

  I didn’t go to Rory and Lucah’s apartment when I got home. They’d called to say that April was doing really poorly. Lucah was with Tate and Rory was with the girls at the house. Rory didn’t give me details, but it sounded like she was losing the baby. My heart broke for her. I couldn’t imagine going through that.

  They hadn’t given me parameters for checking on Ryder, but I figured I should at least see if he wanted dinner. I could make him something and leave it outside the door.

  The door was partially open, but I knocked anyway.

  “Come in,” he said. I pushed the door open and stuck my head in, not ready to fully commit to going in all the way.

  “Hey,” I said. He turned his head and got up from the couch where he’d been s
itting.

  “Wow, you look like shit,” I couldn’t help saying. “Sorry.”

  He shrugged. “Whatever.”

  “I, um, like the beard.”

  “I didn’t grow it for you,” he said, going to the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. His attire was even shabbier than I was used to. Haggard was the only word I could use to describe his overall appearance. His scars seemed to stand out even more on his skin.

  “I didn’t say you did.” He leaned his back against the counter and glared at me. Ouch.

  “I know why you’re here. I don’t need a fucking babysitter. So you can just go down the hall and tell my jailers that you watched me and I was a good little boy.” All of the fear and anger from the night he’d ended up in the hospital came to the surface, as if it had been lying dormant, waiting until I saw him again.

  “Look, this is a shitty situation for all of us, so let’s just make the best of it. Do you want dinner?”

  He shrugged his shoulders and wouldn’t look at me.

  “Okay, um, if you want anything, I'm making something.” He definitely wanted to be alone, so I backed out of the room.

  “Wait,” he said and I stopped.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. I really didn’t want to do this now. I gripped the doorknob and thought about just bolting.

  “I fucked things up again and now they’re broken. I can’t say it enough, but I am sorry.” His voice broke and I thought he was going to cry. It made me want to cry. It also made me want to hug him and hold him and not let go. But I couldn’t do that.

  “I loved you, you know.” I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to say that. Oh, why didn’t I have a delete button? I would give anything for it right at this moment.

  He finally moved. His arms dropped and he looked at me in shock.

  “You loved me?” Well, the cat was out of the bag now, and there was no cramming it back in. I didn’t think he’d buy a temporary insanity plea.

  “I did.” Honestly, I didn’t know where I was on the love-o-meter with Ryder. I couldn’t see my feelings with any sort of clarity.