Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” I said into his flannel shirt. He’d really taken the mountain man thing seriously.

  “I can’t believe you’re real,” he said, trying to lean back, but I wouldn’t let him. “Baby, you’re gonna have to let me go, you know.”

  He’d never called me that before and it made me want to hold on to him even harder.

  “I can’t,” I said, my happy tears soaking into his shirt. I was probably causing a spectacle, but I didn’t care. He was here and I had my arms around him again.

  He chuckled and stroked my hair. “That’s okay. Take your time.” I heard a throat clearing behind me and Ryder said something to someone, and then I heard Rory’s voice.

  “I think she’s excited to see you,” she said.

  “Not as much as I am to see her,” Ryder said. My arms were starting to shake a little from holding him, but I wasn’t going to stop. Not ever.

  “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” he said, leaning down and speaking in my ear. “It’s okay to let go.”

  With much effort, I loosened my hold on him and leaned back a little. There he was. Under one of the most epic beards I’d ever seen, but there he was. His hair had grown out a little bit too.

  “I like the beard,” I said, reaching up to stroke it.

  “I hoped you would. I hoped more than anything that you’d come to the airport.”

  “Why wouldn’t I come? I love you.” Oops. Didn’t mean for that to be the first time I said it. My mouth had gotten ahead of me again.

  “Oh, you do, do you?” Ryder said with a smile.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I do. I meant to tell you in a different way, but I guess I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

  We both laughed and someone cleared their throat.

  “I have to go hug my brother and Rory. But I’ll come right back to you,” he said, as if he was explaining a difficult concept to me.

  I rolled my eyes at him, finally removing my arms from around his neck, and stepped back. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

  Lucah and Ryder embraced for a long time and lots of things were said back and forth that neither Rory nor I heard, or were supposed to hear. They definitely needed their brotherly moment. When they broke the embrace, Ryder hugged Rory, picking her up off her feet and swinging her around as she laughed and begged him to stop. He finally put her down, but not before one of her shoes had flown off and Lucah went to retrieve it.

  The moment Ryder let go of Rory, he was at my side, sliding an arm around me and pulling me close.

  “Well, should we get your luggage?” Lucah asked, and I swore I saw him wiping his eyes a little before he put his arm around Rory.

  “Sure,” said Ryder.

  The four of us walked down to baggage claim, which always made me fear for my life. If people got that crazy about getting their stuff, just imagine what would happen if there was a nationwide disaster and there were only so many jugs of water and cans of soup. It would be downright carnage.

  We found the right carousel for Ryder’s flight but waited near the back.

  “I’m not in any hurry. I’m enjoying where I am right now,” he said. So we stood and waited for the people who had to have their luggage right this very moment or else they would die to get their shit, and then Ryder saw his bag on the carousel. He walked toward it, taking me with him.

  “Sorry, but I don’t want to let go of you,” he said. “At least not yet.”

  “Ditto,” I said as he slung his bag over his other shoulder then grabbed my hand.

  “Got everything?” Lucah asked. Ryder nodded, and then we headed out to the parking garage.

  “I have something for you in the car,” I said to Ryder.

  “I have something for you too!” Rory called over her shoulder. She and Lucah were walking ahead of us so they could find the car.

  “You didn’t have to get me anything. Either of you.” He said the last part directly to me.

  “I didn’t exactly get it for you. It’s something I made. And no, it’s not clothing, although I’m feeling inspired to start making a lumberjack line,” I said, tugging at his shirt. He blushed a little. It was hard to see under the massive beard, but it was there.

  “Would you model it for me?” he said.

  “Maybe,” I said, drawing out the word. He stopped walking, dropped his bag, and pulled me into another hug.

  “I love you,” he said as he squeezed me tight.

  “I love you,” I said. Now I’d said it twice in only a few minutes and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t said it before. Those three little words, once so hard to say were now so easy to speak that I didn’t want to stop. I had a brief image in my head of running to the top of the parking garage, throwing my arms out, and declaring my love for Ryder Blythe at the top of my lungs.

  Ryder let me go, but took my hand again and picked up his bag.

  “I just thought you should know. Again,” he said, as if he was embarrassed by his display of emotion.

  “I’m okay with that. More than okay. Say it whenever you feel it.”

  He raised one eyebrow. “Whenever I feel it?”

  “Well, not literally. But you can tell me whenever you want. I love hearing it,” I said.

  “I love that you love it.”

  “I love that you love that I love hearing you say you love me.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Let’s just stop there and say I love you.”

  “Good plan.”

  For being so nervous about her gift, Rory shouldn’t have worried. Ryder’s eyes lit up when he opened the box with the watch in it, and he immediately put it on.

  “This is one of the nicest things I’ve ever owned. I’m scared I’ll break the shit out of it,” he said, admiring it on his wrist.

  “It’s durable. Don’t worry,” Rory said, beaming that her gift had gone over so well.

  “I’ll be careful, just in case,” he said, starting to take it off.

  “No, leave it on. Watches are meant to be worn and used.” He looked up at her for a moment then put it back on, smiling as he gazed down at it and turned it left and right.

  “Thank you so much,” he said. I handed him the box of letters but asked him not to open it in the car. I knew he’d want to start reading them immediately.

  “Tease,” he said, but he kissed me on the cheek after he said it.

  I couldn’t stop staring at him. Partly because of the beard and partly because there was something different about him. Something . . . lighter.

  “You look good. Really good,” I said, and he pulled me closer. I was sitting in the middle seat in the back so I could be as near to him as possible. I’d resisted crawling into his lap and curling up.

  “Why, thank you. That means a lot, considering I haven’t had a proper shower in a while. A long while. I’m shocked you can even sit near me.” I had no idea what he was talking about. He smelled fantastic.

  I sniffed him.

  “You smell like the woods. And you, of course. Honestly, I thought you were gonna reek too, but I’m pleasantly surprised,” I said.

  He lifted his arm and sniffed as well.

  “I’ll take your word for it. I feel pretty grungy. And we should probably stop talking about that right now,” he said. “I’m pretty sure Rory and Lucah aren’t interested in my bathing schedule.”

  “Did you say something?” Rory said, pretending she hadn’t been listening. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “Liar,” I said.

  “Well, if it means anything, you smelled fine to me,” Rory said.

  Lucah cleared his throat and turned on the radio before he started talking to Rory again. It might have seemed rude, but I could tell he was giving me and Ryder some time to ourselves, even if it was just in the backseat.

  “I can’t wait to see what you made me,” he said.

  “Don’t get your hopes up. It’s probably not as great as I’m making it out to be.” I was beginning to doub
t the awesomeness of the letters. They weren’t as interesting as his. I hadn’t had some amazing epiphany about life. I mean, other than the fashion show, things had been pretty mundane. Same old, same old.

  Get up, go to work, come home. Hang out with Rory, hang out with the girls at the bar, make fun of people who couldn’t sing.

  “I can’t wait,” he said.

  We couldn’t really talk much with Lucah and Rory right there. I knew we’d get a chance later when I gave him the letters.

  So he told us some of the more tame stories he’d probably stored up. We heard about his roommates and some of the more fun aspects of being away from civilization. He’d zip lined and learned how to build a fire and make a snare to catch small game. He’d even made his own fishing pole and caught dinner for himself. I was totally impressed.

  “I kept thinking that if I somehow got sucked back in time to a place where they didn’t have electricity and cars and so forth, I’d do okay. I mean, I’ve never tried to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but I think I’d do okay.”

  I snorted.

  “What?” he said.

  “I wouldn’t. I’d probably try to eat some mushrooms and pick the only poisonous ones or something. Or I’d trip over a root and impale myself. Or get eaten by a bear,” I said. I could keep going.

  “So bears were more of a threat in the olden days than now?” Ryder asked.

  “Well, I don’t know, but maybe. Anyway. I wouldn’t survive. Plus, I hate hand sewing. It takes too much time.” I did it when I had to, but it was a pain. That’s what they made sewing machines and sergers for.

  “I think I could do it,” Rory said.

  Lucah made a sound that he quickly turned into another cough.

  “Hey! I could survive without computers and phones and everything,” she said, smacking him on the arm.

  “Sunshine, you work at a tech company. It’s your life. Whatever would you do with yourself all day?” he asked.

  “Raise your damn ginger babies and hang out in the kitchen,” she said, crossing her arms.

  “No, I picture you as a warrior woman with a crossbow out hunting,” Lucah said.

  Rory and I both laughed. That was something I definitely couldn’t picture.

  “So now I’m a superhero?” she said. “Well, I like that.”

  “And what do you think I’d be doing?” Lucah asked her.

  “Hmm,” she said, pretending to give it some deep thought.

  “Probably annoying his younger brother,” Ryder muttered.

  “What was that?” Lucah asked, staring at Ryder in the rearview mirror.

  “Nothing,” Ryder said with a huge fake smile.

  “I think you’d probably be doing something important. Making speeches and getting involved with things. Maybe you’d be part of a revolution.”

  Rory looked at him with so much love it almost made me want to cry. I wondered if that was how I looked at Ryder. I hoped so.

  “Oh, well if that’s not a compliment, I don’t know what is,” Lucah said, his face going red, including his ears. Gotta love how redheads can’t hide their emotions.

  “You’re welcome, Mr. Blythe,” Rory said, leaning over to give him a kiss.

  “Hey, eyes on the road,” I said, but I gave Rory a wink as she got back in her seat.

  Lucah pulled Ryder aside when we got out of the car and had a few words with him. I hoped they weren’t talking about me.

  Ryder didn’t seem pissed when Lucah stepped away and took Rory’s hand to walk back into the building.

  “What was that about?” I asked when Ryder didn’t move.

  “Nothing,” he said, shaking his head as if he was trying to clear it.

  “Really? He didn’t tell you to keep your hands off me?”

  Ryder shook his head. “No, it wasn’t really about you.” Oh, well. Now I sounded like I thought the world revolved around me.

  Ryder stuck his hand out and I gave him mine. He swung our arms as we walked out of the parking garage.

  “I wished, so many times when I was there, that you were with me, or at least that I had a camera. I’d watch the sunrise, or the moon, or sit by a stream and think of you and wish you could see it.” Okay, so I wasn’t much of a nature fan, but the way Ryder described it, I could see the appeal. Plus, being with him would be the best part.

  “Did you get inspired?” I asked. He smiled, and it hit me just how handsome he was. Even more so than that first day I’d met him. He seemed older somehow. Definitely wiser. It might have been the beard, but it was something intangible. He had changed on that mountain, but so far, it was all good.

  “Yeah. It made me wish I knew how to paint, or at least draw something other than crappy stick figures,” he said. “But even if I could draw or paint, or make any kind of art, I wouldn’t be able to do it justice.”

  That made me laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Art. It never comes out the way you think it’s going to be when you imagine it. Something changes during the process of creating, and your creation takes on a life of its own, independent of you. That’s when it’s not yours anymore.” I really believed that my designs came part from me and part from this other place. I didn’t really know what to call it, or even what it was, but I often thought of it as a well that supplied ideas. A flowing force that I couldn’t control, no matter how hard I tried.

  “Yeah, Gil told me something like that,” he said.

  “Are you excited to work at the gallery? Maybe you’ll find a talent for something. There might be a market for stick figure art. You never know. I think there’s this guy on the internet, and if you pay him money, he draws you a cat then sends it to you. He’s probably made millions or something,” I said.

  Rory and Lucah were walking ahead of us, but at a faster pace, so soon they turned a corner and were out of sight. It was just me and Ryder.

  “I’m not so sure anyone would want my drawings, but I’ll consider it. And yeah, I am excited. It’s going to be different than any job I’ve ever had. Something else I realized was that I am not cut out for traditional employment.” He chuckled and swung our arms again.

  “Nooo,” I said in mock shock. “That is brand new information!”

  “Took me a while to figure it out, but I don’t think I can work at a regular job. People drive me fucking nuts.”

  They drove me nuts, too.

  “Ditto. I worked normal jobs when I had to, but as soon as I could, I got the hell out of there.” We started listing our least favorite jobs. Ryder had a hell of a lot of jobs. Most of them didn’t last long, and most of them were entry-level.

  “Why didn’t you go to college?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t be offended.

  “No money, mostly. And I wasn’t the best student. My teachers were always writing that I had potential, but I didn’t know how to apply myself.” He put air quotes around “potential” and “apply myself.”

  “Ouch. I always got told I was too bossy. Which just pissed me off even more. Because you’d never say that to a male student, would you? Sexist assholes.” We were bringing up a lot of childhood memories I’d rather forget, but we were back to the apartment, so I was glad for the change of subject as we walked up the steps.

  Ryder kept my hand in his as we rode the elevator then walked to my door. He had to let go so I could get my keys out, and I missed his large hand holding mine. I’d never been one for a whole lot of PDA. It seemed just like an effort to shove your relationship status in someone else’s face. Now though . . . I wouldn’t mind holding his hand for the rest of my life.

  He’d put the box in his bag when we walked back, so he went to the couch, sat down, and pulled it out. I’d wrapped it with a green ribbon I had laying around.

  “Should I be worried?” he asked as he held one end of the ribbon to pull the bow apart.

  “Nothing is going to jump out and eat you, if that’s what you’re worried about. And it’s not a bomb.”


  His eyes went wide at the mention of a bomb, and he slowly lifted the box to his ear and listened to it.

  “Oh please,” I said, rolling my eyes. Now I was impatient for him to open it.

  “Okay, okay. But if this blows up in my face, it’s going to make it really hard to keep loving you.” Despite his silly reservations, he pulled the ribbon on the box and opened it. I realized I probably had to do a little explaining.

  “Every time you wrote me a letter, I wrote you one back. It was my way of dealing with missing you at night when I was here alone. And sometimes I’d think of things I wanted to tell you during work, so those are in there as well. I wrote on whatever was handy.

  Carefully, he took the enormous stack of papers out of the box. I’d organized them in chronological order, with the most recent on the bottom.

  “You wrote me every day?” he asked, picking up the first letter.

  “Yeah. You did, so it was only fair. And it gave me something to do.” He unclipped my letter from the top, and I watched as he started reading.

  I sat back and waited as he read the first letter in complete silence, except for his lips moving just a little, as if he was reading to himself. Every now and then he’d smile at something I hoped he though was funny. I hadn’t tried to be witty or anything in the letters, I’d just written them in a stream of consciousness, not worrying about what I was saying. Thinking back, I’d probably put some dumb things in there, but oh well. Too late now.

  He finished the first letter and went right to the second. Was he going to read every single one? If so, it was going to be a long night. I’d gotten a bit long-winded in some of them and taken up several sheets, front and back. Not to mention the various bits of things I’d written on other pieces of paper.

  It was also a little strange to watch him read them, so I got up, hoping he wouldn’t notice. I thought he didn’t, but then he spoke.

  “You don’t have to leave, but I’m not leaving until I’ve read every single one. Then we’re going to fuck.”

  I crashed into my dining table.

  “Ouch!” I yelled, grabbing at my leg that was definitely going to have a bruise.