Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Ryder finally looked up from the letters. “You okay?”

  “Uh, yeah, but what did you say?” I needed to hear it again.

  “I said that I’m going to read all the letters and then we’re going to fuck. Unless you don’t want to?” His eyebrows drew together as if the idea that I wouldn’t want to concerned him.

  “I just . . . you . . . what?” Words deserted me. I was so used to Ryder being blunt, but this time I knew he absolutely, one hundred percent, meant it. Like if I said yes, he’d jump over the back of the couch and fuck me right where I stood. I couldn’t help the wave of desire that washed over me thinking about it.

  Yes, I’d thought about what would happen when Ryder came home, and that did cross my mind. More than once. More than a hundred times. We’d barely kissed, but yeah, I’d imagined what he would be like in bed. Ferocious. Attentive. Relentless. And I bet he’d cuddle the shit out of me afterwards. He looked like a good cuddler.

  “Sloane?” I’d drifted off, and his voice snapped me back to the present moment, my throbbing leg and his demand-slash-proposition.

  “Okay,” I said, sounding totally eager. Like he’d just offered me a lovely chocolate cake.

  “Okay to the sex?” He really appeared to need my confirmation.

  I nodded. We’d both gotten tested after that night and had come out clean, and I knew he hadn’t been with anyone else, so we were good. Better than good.

  He grinned like I’d just given him a cake.

  “See you in a little while then.” And with that he went back to the letters and I slumped against the table, trying to figure out how I could possibly wait until he’d read all those damn letters. I wanted him. Right. Now.

  I waited ten excruciating minutes before I had to leave the room. With nowhere else to go, I slunk down the hall to Rory and Lucah’s place. I didn’t bother knocking.

  “Sloane! Boundaries!” Rory barked at me as I walked in on the two of them making out on the couch. Everyone had caught the sex bug tonight.

  “Sorry. I just needed a place to be for, um, a little while.” I could feel my body twitching like when I had too much caffeine.

  Rory and Lucah got up and rearranged themselves. Lucah made sure to wipe the red lipstick off his mouth.

  “Where’s Ryder?” he asked.

  “He’s just hanging out at my place for a few minutes.” Or hours. Why had I written such long fucking letters?

  I also hadn’t thought this through. Being so completely turned on and afraid that they could somehow tell wasn’t that much fun. And potentially embarrassing.

  “Why?” Lucah asked, instantly alarmed.

  “Nothing. Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” I asked, latching on to Rory’s arm and dragging her into the bedroom, not giving her a choice.

  “Yeah, I guess, if you’re going to kidnap me.”

  Lucah was getting more alarmed by the second.

  “Don’t get your panties in a twist. We’re fine,” I said as I slammed the bedroom door behind me.

  “Ryder said he’s going to fuck me,” I blurted out.

  “Whoa, I really did not need to know that, Sloane,” Rory said, sitting on her bed.

  “Sorry, but he just said it. Out of the blue. Like he was telling me we were going to watch a movie. I mean, I’m used to him being direct, but shit,” I said, pacing in front of the bed. I couldn’t stay still.

  “Okay, so what did you say back?” This was quite a role reversal. Normally she was the one freaking out and I was the one who did the talking and advice giving.

  “I said okay. I mean, you know I’ve wanted to get with him forever. But maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe it’s too soon, or it’s a bad idea, or . . . I don’t know. He told me he loved me.” I couldn’t seem to string together a set of thoughts that made any sense.

  “He did? Before or after he asked for the sex?”

  “Before,” I said, finally sitting down next to her, bringing my knees up and setting my chin on them. “I told him I loved him back. And I do. I do love him. And I want to have sex with him.”

  “And?” Rory said, sensing there was more to it.

  “And all the reasons I keep telling myself are good reasons not to be with him all seem stupid. Like I’m using them because I’m scared.”

  Rory lay back on her bed and I lay back with her. We both stared up at the ceiling.

  “What are you scared of?” she asked.

  “A lot of things. Of him breaking my heart. Of things not working out. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. If something were to happen, if he ended up messing things up again . . . I don’t know how I’d get through it. I really don’t. He has the power to really fuck my life up.”

  Rory was silent for a moment.

  “I know how you feel. It was the same way with Lucah. I was scared to open up to him and share with him parts of myself I’d never shared with anyone, but then I realized that it was too late. I’d already done it. Love like that . . . it isn’t something you can fight. It grabs a hold of you and doesn’t let go. Even if that other person doesn’t seem right for you. I thought Lucah was totally wrong for me, and then I fell in love with him and everything made sense.” I’d been with her during that time. She’d been so conflicted, so confused. Just like me now.

  “Remember when you told me I was in love with Lucah and I denied it and denied it?”

  “No, I don’t remember that at all,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. Rory was the last one to realize (or maybe that was on purpose) she was in love with Lucah. And then we’d gotten drunk and she’d left him a voicemail. The whole thing was hilarious. At least I hadn’t done that.

  “Well, I’m going to do that for you now. You love him. He loves you. Yes, there are obstacles, but there always are. No road to love is smoothly paved. Whether you like it or not, you’re on a journey with him now.” She made it sound so romantic like that.

  “So, what is he doing right now?” she asked, turning toward me.

  “He’s reading all the letters I wrote him,” I said. Might as well tell her. She was my best friend, after all.

  “You wrote him back?”

  I nodded.

  “You do love him,” she said.

  “Yeah, I do. But what if that’s not enough?”

  She sighed and sat up again.

  “You won’t know until you try. So, go try.”

  I got to my feet.

  “Are you, Rory Clarke, telling me to go bang your fiancé’s brother?”

  She laughed. “I guess I am. Have we switched personalities?” she asked.

  “Maybe. I’m the one who’s babbling and pacing and asking for boy advice,” I said.

  Rory got to her feet and gave me a hug.

  “Oh, hun. It’s going to be okay.”

  I rested my chin on the top of her head. Time to face the music.

  “I think I need to go back now.”

  She let go of me and then slapped me on the ass.

  “Go get him.”

  Yup, we’d definitely switched personalities.

  Lucah was also pacing when I left the bedroom, Rory following behind me.

  “What were you two doing in there?” he asked. His eye was twitching again.

  “Oh, get your mind out of the gutter,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t swing that way and neither did Rory. We would make a totally hot couple if we did, though.

  “I wasn’t thinking that. Sloane, what’s going on?” Worrying was going to send that boy to an early grave.

  “Nothing. Just talking about girl things. Nothing to worry your pretty head about.” I patted the top of his head as I walked by. “Everything is fine. And stop worrying so much. It will give you wrinkles.” I waved as Rory put her arms around Lucah. Something told me she’d come up with a way to distract him from worrying.

  “Bye, Sloane,” Rory said.

  “Byeeee.” I shut the door and headed back down the hallway to deal with my own redhead.

&
nbsp; I listened for a moment before I opened the door.

  “Hey,” I said, keeping my voice low. He was in the exact same position I’d left him in. I crossed the space between us and leaned against the arm of the couch. He had the letters he’d already gone through stacked on the seat next to him. He’d read a lot of them already. Must be a fast reader.

  He didn’t look up, but he held up one finger. And then he laughed.

  “You’re funny,” he said, setting the page he’d been reading in the pile and moving on to the next.

  “Thank you,” I said. Now I wanted to pace again. I just couldn’t stay still. How he could be so calm when thinking about sex was beyond me. Or maybe he was too focused on the letters and not even thinking about that. I sure was. Now that I was alone with him again, it was all I could think about. Sure, I’d spent a lot of time on those letters, but I wouldn’t give them a second thought if I tackled him right now and we got down and dirty. I’d take sex over letters anytime.

  “I’m thinking that maybe I can’t finish these tonight,” he said, still reading. “Besides, I’m pretty sure if I don’t kiss you and do a lot of other things in the next five seconds, it might kill me.” His voice was totally calm, but I finally noticed that he had the stack of letters he hadn’t read yet strategically placed over his lap. Ha. He was totally hot for me.

  “Okay,” I said again.

  “I don’t want okay,” he said, finally setting the letters back on the coffee table. He’d gotten through about half of them. “I want you to want me. I want you to want me so bad you can’t think of anything else.” He got up from the couch and took a step toward me.

  “I do want you. I’ve wanted you even before I met you. Lucah said he had a brother and . . . it was like I knew. I can’t explain it exactly. And then I saw you and I really knew.” I had no idea if I was making any sense, but I couldn’t explain it any other way.

  “I knew, too. I thought it was just that you were so beautiful, but it’s so much more than that. It’s . . . everything.” He took another step.

  “It is. Everything,” I said. Now neither of us were making any sense.

  “I want you to kiss me,” I said.

  “What else do you want?” He stopped with barely a foot of space between us.

  “I want you to take off my clothes. Slowly. I want you to kiss me everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I want you to take off your clothes and let me do the same to you. I want all of you. Every corner and curve. I want my tongue all over you and inside you and I want to learn how you taste. I want to know every single part of you.” I’d been pretty adventurous in my sex life before Ryder, but that was nothing compared to what this would be.

  “I just want you to love me,” I said.

  He smiled slowly. “Done.”

  And with that, his lips were on mine and there was no more waiting. No more second-guessing. No more questions, only answers. Only yes, yes, yes.

  His lips were soft but insistent, and the kiss hit me like a tidal wave. I’d been waiting so long for this that it was like taking that gasp of air when you’ve been underwater for so long that your lungs hurt. I drank him in, needing more, not getting enough. His beard was rough, but it added a little bit of sour to the sweet. I loved it.

  Pulling him close, I wrapped my body around his, clinging to him like a life raft in the ocean. He was my anchor.

  And then his tongue slid into my mouth, testing, tasting, teasing. I let him take possession of me, and it was the most freeing moment I’d ever had in my life. I’d never given in to another person like this. Never. But this was right. He was right. We were right.

  His hands fluttered over my face and neck and started working at the straps of my dress, tugging them over my shoulders.

  Our lips parted and my eyes snapped open.

  “Where do you want me to kiss you?” he asked, his eyes burning into mine. It took a second for me to be able to form words again.

  “Everywhere,” I said, my voice a husky whisper.

  “No. Tell me. I need directions. Specific directions.”

  Oh, it was going to be like that? I grinned.

  “I want you to kiss my lips and then my neck. Here.” I pointed to my favorite spot to be kissed. I had the feeling he’d discover other spots I liked that even I didn’t know about yet. Not a lot of the men I’d been with were good at taking their time and making sure I was fully satisfied. I probably shouldn’t have been with some of them, but hindsight and all that. You don’t know how the car drives until you get behind the wheel.

  “And where else?”

  I pulled the top of my dress further down and stroked my collarbone.

  “Here.”

  “Oh, there? I think I can do that. But first, there’s something in the way.” I’d never resented clothes so much before. I loved clothes. But right now, I wanted to burn my entire wardrobe for standing in the way of my skin and Ryder’s lips.

  Carefully, almost too carefully, he undid the zipper of my dress then pulled it over my head. I hadn’t worn anything spectacular under it, because I definitely didn’t think this would actually be happening right now. Still, my bra and panties were cute and matched. I never left the house without a matching set of underwear on.

  Ryder tossed the dress behind him and just stared at me. No, that wasn’t the right word. His eyes devoured me. I felt unbelievably sexy and unbelievably vulnerable at the same exact time.

  “I know I’ve seen you naked before, but fuck. You’re spectacular, Sloane.” He brushed his fingertips across my shoulders and moved them down to my hands. We linked fingers, and he leaned forward to kiss my lips. Almost as if he was scared.

  “What are you smiling about?” he asked, breaking the kiss.

  “Nothing,” I said. “Absolutely nothing. And shouldn’t your mouth be busy right about now?”

  He raised one eyebrow and then dipped his lips to kiss my cheek.

  “Yes, my love.” I shivered and nearly threw myself on him. But I held still as he kissed my cheek again, then my other cheek, then my chin, before tilting my head up and starting to kiss his way down my neck. Every now and then he’d flick his tongue out and taste me. His beard scraped against my sensitive skin, making every nerve jump and tingle. Shit, this was amazing. He was never allowed to shave again.

  “You taste so sweet, Sloane. I bet you’re even sweeter the lower I go.” I wasn’t sure about that, but I couldn’t really think at the moment. All my senses were concentrated on one thing. His mouth on my body. I curled my hands in his hair, wishing I could get him even closer, if that were possible.

  Ryder got down on his knees and looked up at me.

  “As adorable as this is, I think it needs to go,” he said pulling the strap of my bra down and over my shoulder.

  “Just don’t rip it. Or else I will never sleep with you again,” I said as he pulled the other strap over my shoulder and snaked his arm around my back, unfastening my bra on the first try.

  “You’ve practiced,” I said, and he rested his chin on my stomach, his faced tilted up.

  “Maybe. It’s all for you, Sloane.” Sure, it did bother me that he’d been with girls before, just as I was sure it bothered him that I’d been with other guys. But what the fuck did it matter now? He was with me, I was with him, and that was all I cared about.

  “Good,” I said as he pulled my bra off and tossed it to the side with my dress. My panties were the next to go, and I leaned against him as he helped me step out of them. I waited for his next move. He buried his face in my stomach and held me.

  “I’m sorry about the first time we were naked together. But I’ll do my best to make up for it. Right now.”

  I stroked his hair back and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

  “I know you will,” I said. He stood up so abruptly that I lost my balance. Ryder was there to catch me and then I was lifted completely off my feet.

  I didn’t really care where we went, but he appeared determined to take me
to the bedroom, so that was where we headed. He kicked the door in like a conquering prince.

  He was gentle as he laid me on the bed and gazed down at me.

  “This is one of those times when I wish I could draw or paint. I’d want you just like this.”

  “Like one of your French girls?” I said, making a Titanic reference.

  He smiled and sighed.

  “I don’t even know where to start. You might need to give me some direction, Sloane.”

  “What is this? Sex by number?”

  “No. I just want you to tell me what you want. What do you want, Sloane? Say it out loud.” He was asking me what I wanted, but his tone was commanding. My heart raced with excitement.

  “I want you. Just you. Get started and I’ll let you know if you’re going in the right direction.” He probably wouldn’t need much direction at all.

  “As you wish, my love,” he said, starting to strip his shirt off.

  I sat up.

  “Can I undress you first?” He nodded and let go of his shirt. I got to my feet, grabbed the hem and pulled it over his head. Ryder’s body was a beautiful, scarred thing. Some of them were barely visible, faded with time. Some were more recent.

  “I love these,” I said, brushing my hand across the tattoos on his torso. “And I love these,” I said, touching a few of the scars. “Someday you’ll tell me how you got each one, yes?” I met his eyes and he nodded slowly.

  He’d gone from being commanding to being . . . almost skittish. He quivered under my hands, as if he would bolt.

  “Are you scared of me?” I asked.

  “No,” he lied.

  “What happened to the Ryder who told me we were going to fuck?”

  “He’s still here,” he said.

  “Good. Because if you’re not read—“ I started to say, but he silenced me with a kiss. This was the third time he’d done that.

  “I’m ready,” he said against my lips, taking my hands and guiding them down his chest to his belt. It wasn’t easy to concentrate on kissing and undoing his pants, but somehow I managed. I didn’t mean to take his boxers down with them, but at least it saved me that one extra step. Finally we were naked together again. This time, though, we were sober and going to do much more than sleep.