God… I just want to lay my head on the table until this nightmare of a situation passes. Or until it doesn’t seem nearly as bad as it feels.
Before I can actually do that, my grandmother comes over, laying a cool feeling palm across my forehead. “You’re looking flushed again, sweetie. Maybe you should go lie down for a while. I’ll call the school and let them know that you’re not feeling well. You can just stay here and take it easy for the rest of the day.”
For the first time all morning, my lips twitch upwards. God, but I love my gran. She is the absolute best. “That’s not necessary.”
I’m imagining the secretary of the chancellor getting a phone call from my grandmother letting them know that Violet Winterfield won’t be in class today. She’s not feeling well and that they should please carry on without her.
Concern flares within her soft hazel eyes. “You need to take better care of yourself, Violet. You wear yourself down with all these classes and you’ll end up catching something.”
“I’m fine,” I try reassuring again, “you don’t need to worry about me.”
She makes a noncommittal noise deep in her throat as if she doesn’t quite believe me. My grandmother has always been a bit overprotective where I’m concerned and who can really blame her? She lost her only son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter in a car accident eight years ago. Besides my grandfather, I’m all she has left in the world.
So, yeah… I totally get it.
Hell, I feel the same way about them. Without my grandparents, who would I have left? That thought brings a boulder sized lump to my throat.
Because the answer to that question is Sam.
Next to my grandparents, he’s the most important person in my life and right now, we’re having... I really don’t know what’s going on between us. All I know is that it’s making our entire relationship uncomfortable.
To the point where I’m now avoiding him.
And because I don’t seem able to fix the problem between us or, at the very least, ignore it until it goes away, I’m left wondering how our friendship will possibly survive. These feelings I’ve developed for Sam just keep steamrolling right over me when I least expect them.
It makes me wonder if we’ll ever be the same again.
Will we ever just be Sam and Violet? Best friends? Completely and totally platonic? Can-talk-about-any-and-everything and nothing affects our relationship?
I don’t have an answer to that.
And that’s scary considering how damn important he is to me.
As all of this continues churning violently within my head, my eyes fall back to my grandmother and the concern written across her face. Guilt hits me like a swift punch to the gut for not being more straight up with her. I really shouldn’t worry her like this. I shouldn’t let her think that something is wrong with me when clearly there’s not. Especially when my grandfather hasn’t been feeling well lately. She has enough on her plate without me evading the real issue by making up bogus ones.
As she starts scrambling two eggs, I decide to come clean. I think it might actually feel good to finally tell someone what’s really going on. I sure as hell can’t talk to Sam about this. And Mia has been tied up with Carter.
Figuratively, not literally… I hope.
Gran is the only other person who might understand the situation. She knows just how special my relationship with Sam is. Certainly she’ll be able to see how foolish it would be to jeopardize that.
That being said, there is no way I’m telling her about cock-gate or me getting off with him standing right outside the door last night. There are just some things that can’t be discussed with a grandparent. No matter how close you are.
This is most definitely one of those things.
“Sweetheart, you better take some of that Airborne right now. You’re looking positively feverish.”
“I’m not sick, gran.” Inhaling a deep breath of air, I finally push out the rest of the words, “It’s something else.”
Standing over the stove, spatula in hand, her eyes hold mine quizzically as she waits for me to continue. “Oh?”
Dropping my gaze, I stare down at my half-filled glass of orange juice before deciding to take a huge gulp. Maybe the vitamin C will help boost my courage. “It has to do with Sam,” I mumble, barely loud enough for her to catch. Although my grandmother has excellent hearing, so she picks up on my words without a problem.
Concern etches its way across her face again. God… I am just killing this poor woman with my ineptness. “Did something happen with Sam, honey?”
“No… Yes…” Oh for the love of all that’s holy, I don’t know… “Maybe…”
A small, humor-filled smile tips the corners of her lips upwards as she listens to me torture myself with angst-filled indecision. “Well, that certainly clears things right up. Thank you.”
I can’t help the weak chuckle that escapes. What a damn mess. All I want is for everything to go back to the way things were before. That’s what would be best for everyone… Then we could just be Violet and Sam. Like we’ve always been. There wouldn’t be any of these tangled feelings to muck things up.
“I don’t know, gran.” Pausing, I inhale a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. Admitting this shouldn’t feel so scary. But it does. “I’m just really confused right now.”
She slides the scrambled eggs onto a plate before setting them down in front of me. Then she comes around and takes a seat beside me before asking, “I take it this confusion has something to do with Sam?”
Feeling grateful that I didn’t actually have to come out and say the words, I start shoveling eggs into my mouth. Between bites I add, “I think my feelings for him are changing.” My belly trembles as I finally admit what’s been going on.
Not only to myself, but to someone else as well.
She’s quiet for a long contemplative moment. Just when I start to wonder if she’s going to say anything, she asks, “And that’s a bad thing?”
Fork poised midway to my mouth, I slowly nod my head. Doesn’t she understand what a freaking catastrophe this is? “Yes, I think it would probably end up being a bad thing.”
Eventually it would end up ruining our friendship.
“Sam is a wonderful boy, Violet.” She shakes her head as if she can’t quite understand how I’ve arrived at such a convoluted conclusion. As if I’m doing an extremely simple arithmetic problem and she’s stumped as to how I keep arriving at the wrong answer when the right answer is so completely obvious to everyone but me. “Why would you even think that? Ever since you two found one another when you were just fourteen years old, you’ve been thick as thieves. I’ve never seen two people better suited than you and Sam.”
Shoveling another bite into my mouth, I point the empty fork at her. “That’s exactly why this feels like a disaster waiting to happen.” I force myself to hold her gaze as I continue. “He’s my best friend. I don’t want to ruin our friendship over feelings that probably won’t last.”
Just as she opens her mouth, I cut in sharply, “I’m not exactly the poster child for successful and long lasting relationships.” I snort before adding, “In fact, I’m more like the kiss of death.”
Placing her thin hand gently over mine, she gives it just a bit of a squeeze. “Maybe that’s because you’ve never been with the right guy before.”
“Maybe there’s no such thing as the right guy,” I fire back.
Slowly she quirks a brow. “The right girl then? Because if that’s the case, I’ll have you know that you’re grandfather and I are quite progressive thinkers on the subject.”
Caught completely off guard by her words, I can’t help but dissolve into a surprised fit of giggles. God, but I needed that. It feels good to actually laugh about something. “No,” I finally say, “I don’t think that’s the issue, but I’m glad to hear you’re down with the LGBT movement.” Shaking my head, I sigh, “I don’t know what the problem is, gran. I never seem to click with any of
the guys I’m with. I end up… losing interest, I guess.”
At some point I start thinking that I’d much rather spend my time with Sam than someone I really don’t care about. I’d rather hang out with someone who gets me. Someone who I’m totally in sync with. Someone I can just be myself with.
I grimace as those thoughts roll through my head.
Jeez.
Why hadn’t I ever realized that before?
I’ve been sabotaging every single relationship I’ve ever had because I’d much rather spend time with Sam than get to know someone new. Or maybe the guys I pick are never quite able to live up to the guy I already have in my life…
This situation is so much worse than I originally suspected.
Her shrewd eyes continue evaluating me. “So what happened with Sam to have you running back here at seven thirty in the morning?” One brow slowly arches its way across her forehead as she waits for my response.
When it gets right down to it, nothing per say happened. Sam hasn’t done or said anything. I don’t even know (for sure) if he thinks there’s a problem between us. I could totally be blowing this whole thing out of proportion. But it’s starting to affect how I feel when we’re together and I hate that.
I hate that I act differently around him now.
I hate these little sparks of jealousy that keep flaring to life within me.
Or that I’m starting to look at him differently.
Or that I can’t stop thinking about him.
Or his muscular body.
When the hell did I become so obsessed with Sam Harper?
Now that more of the puzzle pieces have finally come to light, I realize that what’s happening between us has been a long time in the making.
Taking another deep breath, I reluctantly admit what I can no longer hide from. “My feelings have changed where Sam is concerned. I guess it’s been going on for a while now. I didn’t realize it or maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. Even to myself. It’s like I can’t even look at him the way I used to. And I don’t know what to do with that.” I gulp before pushing out the rest, “Do I sit on it and hope that it’s just a passing phase? That everything will miraculously go back to the way it was? Or should I do something about it?” When I finally run out of steam, I stare anxiously at my grandmother hoping that she’ll have some sage advice to dole out because right now, I need it.
I’m all but drowning in my confusion and self-induced misery.
Without a word, she pulls me into her arms for a warm embrace before gently rubbing my back in soft comforting strokes. “Now, was that so bad? Actually admitting that you have romantic feelings for Sam?”
She’s kidding, right?
“Umm, yeah,” I murmur against her thin shoulder, “it was.” Because what this means is that nothing will ever be the same between us again. I realize it, even if she doesn’t. Not all change is good. Sometimes, you end up losing the people you hold dearest.
Chuckling, she admonishes quietly, “No, it wasn’t.” Then she takes a deep breath before releasing it slowly out. Almost as if what she’s going to tell me isn’t easily said.
Or heard.
“You’ve always been a brave girl, Violet.” Pulling away, she searches my eyes before gently continuing, “But not with love. You’ve spent the last eight years safeguarding your heart and I can’t really say I blame you. You’ve already lost so much in life. I understand why you would be reluctant to experience any more heartbreak.”
Her words are enough to have hot tears filling my eyes. Because she’s right. The loss of my parents and younger sister was all but soul crushing. And maybe I did build walls around my heart as a way of protecting myself. But Sam has always been the chink in my armor. Somehow he snuck past all my defenses when we were still kids. From the get go, I realized that I could trust him. Not once has he ever let me down. He’s always been there to protect and hold me close.
His friendship isn’t something I take lightly.
No matter how long I live, I won’t ever find another friend like Sam. Our relationship is rare. Precious. And I would be a fool to let it slip through my fingers over fickle feelings of attraction. Because attraction comes and goes. I’ve experienced that first hand. True friendship is hard to come by.
“At some point, you’ll have to decide if what you feel for Sam is worth taking a chance on. Love is a gamble, sweetheart. But finding that person, the right one, is always worth the risk.”
Yeah… maybe she’s right.
But I also know that some things are just too important to gamble away.
Chapter Sixteen
Bumping open the door with my hip, I heft my bags into the suite. I can’t deny the sharp shafts of relief that are pumping wildly through me. I think some distance and perspective is exactly what’s needed right now.
Glancing around, I notice Mia sitting on the couch in the living area we share.
When she says nothing to my arrival, I call out, “Hello!”
Slowly her head swivels towards me before a small, ghost of a smile curves her lips upward. “Hey, girl. Thanks again for clearing out, I really appreciate it. I hope everything was cool at Sam’s.”
Yeah… we’re not going to discuss that right now.
Or, you know, possibly ever.
Glossing over everything that happened this weekend, I say, “It was fine. How was your visit with Carter? You guys have a good time?” Before she can answer, I throw up a hand. “But if you never even left the room and just had one long marathon of sexy times, I’d just as soon not hear about it.”
The small smile stays glued to her lips. I thought for sure that would get an exaggerated eye roll or maybe even a laugh. Something. Finally she says, “It was good. I just feel bad for kicking you out of the suite for so long. I owe you big time.”
Sensing that all is not right, I set my bags down by the door to my room before sitting on the chair next to her. “Everything okay?”
After having Carter to herself for a nice long weekend, she should be flying high right now. Or is she simply missing him already? Like me, Mia will graduate in May. I know living in different cities has been difficult for them, but she only has one more semester to go and then they’ll finally be together again.
For a long moment, there’s nothing but silence. Just when I start to wonder if she’ll even answer, Mia finally says, “Carter proposed last night when we were out for dinner.”
All I can do is stare as those words slowly sink in.
Proposal.
Carter and Mia.
Marriage.
Holy shit!
“Holy shit!” Jumping off the chair, I all but throw myself at my best friend before proceeding to squeeze the very life out of her. “Congratulations! Oh my God, I can’t believe this! You must be so excited!”
It’s only when she remains stiff and oddly silent in my arms that I slowly untangle myself from her. As our eyes meet and hold, the breath suddenly becomes wedged in my throat.
“I… I told him no.”
Shocked to my core, I repeat rather dumbly, “You said no?”
It’s almost defensively that she admits, “I had to.” She looks not only frustrated, but sad as well. “Come on, Violet, I’m only twenty-two years old! I haven’t even graduated from college yet.” Her voice lowers. “I have no idea what he was thinking by asking me to marry him right now.” She tosses her hands up in the air. “I mean, he never even brought up the subject before last night. Never bothered asking if that’s what I wanted.”
I’m almost afraid to ask for more details. “What did you tell him?”
“I said that I was nowhere near ready to get married.” Even though I hear her saying the words, I can’t quite believe they’re coming out of her mouth.
Carter proposed.
And Mia said no.
“So what happened after you told him no?”
She blows out a long slow breath before finally answering. Moisture gathers in her eyes b
efore she blinks it away. Mia isn’t an overly emotional person. Rarely have I ever seen her moved to the point of tears. It breaks my heart to see it now. “He was…” she pauses before forcing out the rest on a broken whisper, “upset. He asked if I wanted to break up.”
My heart clenches. “Did you guys break up?” I can’t believe all this happened. Mia and Carter have been together for two years and in the blink of an eye, they’re talking about breaking up?
What the hell?
How does something like that even happen?
She shakes her head. It’s just a little movement. “No. I told him that I want to marry him someday, just not right now. If I’m being totally honest, probably not for a while. I’m not in any hurry to tie myself down. We have the rest of our lives for that. Why do we have to rush into it?” Bringing her hand up to her forehead, she rubs her left temple as if there’s a massive headache brewing.
“Was he okay with that?”
From the way she looks, my guess is that he wasn’t.
“I thought so... But obviously that ruined the rest of the night. Even though I tried pretending everything was fine between us, it wasn’t. He barely spoke to me after that. I was hoping that everything would be smoothed over by the morning, but he was still quiet when he headed back home.” Mia shrugs as if she has absolutely no idea what the future now holds for them.
There’s no way Carter would want to lose Mia over this. He adores her. “He probably just needs some time to work everything out.” I bite down on my lower lip before adding quietly, “I’m sure he’s just embarrassed that you turned him down. He probably wasn’t expecting that.”
“Yeah, well… he totally blindsided me by proposing last night.”
“I’m sure he did. Have you talked with him since he left?”
Friend Zoned (Barnett Bulldogs #2) Page 13
