I shrugged. “I was thirsty. I don’t need or want a lecture.”
Aidan pulled me to him. “Baby, you’ll never hear me complain about you having fun as long as I’m here with you.” He kissed the tip of my nose and smacked my ass as Lena attempted to pull me away.
“I’m going to dance.” I didn’t wait to see if Aidan followed me, but I put an extra swing in my hips. I grabbed Lena’s hand and we returned to where the band was still going strong.
We found an open space and the guys were right behind us, just like I knew they would be. Aidan turned and whispered in my ear, “Have fun. I’m going to be standing right over there.” He pointed to a spot a couple of feet away. “I don’t want to step on your toes again.” I laughed at his joke. Earlier he’d demonstrated that he had been born with two left feet.
I reached up and planted a kiss on his lips. He pulled me close and I sighed, taking the kiss deeper. Kissing Aidan made my heart race. Our tongues met and did a dance of their own. I pulled away. “I’ll come join you in a few minutes.”
“Take your time. You’re beautiful when you dance.” Lust filled his voice and I thought about where things might go later when we returned to his place. Lena and I were spending the night at their apartment instead of going back to our dorm. Tonight would be the first time I stayed over, and he wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch. We’d both be in his bed. It was a big deal and meant I was ready to take our relationship to the next level. I watched Aidan as he walked away. He was beautiful both inside and out and I couldn’t wait to be wrapped in his arms.
Pat joined Lena and I on the dance floor. He wasn’t a great dancer either, but at least he didn’t step on our toes. We moved our bodies to the music. After the second song ended, Lena and I shared a look. Sometimes girls shared a secret language with each other without uttering a word. We moved into position. Lena got behind Pat and pressed up against him, while I got in front of him with my back pressed against his chest. We began grinding, matching the beat of the song. I looked over to the left where Aidan was standing to see if what I was doing bothered him, when my eyes landed on a familiar face.
I stopped moving. I stopped breathing. The noise around me ceased. It was like standing in a dark tunnel with only one face staring back at me at the end. Teddy. What was he doing here? I thought he didn’t go to parties. I was caught between wanting to run to him, and wanting to run away from him. He looked different. Older. His muscles were bigger and he had filled out. His dark blonde hair was more of a light brown now. But I’d recognize him anywhere. He stared at me with the same golden eyes. Of course it helped he wasn’t wearing a costume like everyone else. The corners of my mouth turned up. Teddy hated Halloween. It was then I noticed he was actually wearing a glittery headband with devil horns and he was holding hands with a girl dressed as the devil. I watched as she leaned up and whispered something in his ear. I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t. Air wouldn’t fill my lungs. I was going to die. My fingers went stiff.
I had my first panic attack when I was twelve or thirteen years old. I thought I’d lost my favorite camera and desperation had taken over. It was as if a family member died and a huge hole formed in my heart, panic filling it in. Teddy had been there that day and helped me through it. He was the one who came up with the idea for me to focus on a happy memory—a snapshot—until I calmed down. My last attack was when Teddy kissed me on my front step and I pushed him away. As soon as I’d shut the front door the same feeling of loss had overwhelmed me, only tenfold. I’d lied to him. I felt something when he kissed me. I felt it deep in my heart and it scared me. That’s why I pushed him away. He was going off to college and I still had another year of high school left. It wouldn’t have worked. The only way I could protect myself was to ignore what I felt. I assumed Teddy would forget about me soon enough. And it looked like he had.
I couldn’t let the way I was feeling right now get out of hand. I had to get outside. And fast. Using every bit of strength I had, I fought my way through the crowd and out the front door. I left Lena and Pat on the dance floor. I wanted to say something to Aidan as I ran by, but I couldn’t. My voice didn’t work.
I burst through the front door, gasping for air. I need to calm down. I emptied my mind and chose one of my favorite memories—a serene black and white photo I’d taken of the Eiffel Tower. The warm and balmy night was the perfect ending to a fabulous day. Hours earlier I’d been told by one of my professors that I possessed raw talent and my excitement lingered in the air. I inhaled deeply, taking air in through my nose and letting it out through my mouth—another trick Teddy had taught me. Shortly, my breathing almost resembled normal. I heard my name being called and I turned to face what had forced my emotions into overdrive.
“Stella.” Teddy stopped a few feet from me. Noticeably absent was devil girl who’d been attached to his side. I knew I shouldn’t feel so happy about it, but I did.
“Teddy.” No other words came. I just stood there drinking him in. It had been a long time. He was so handsome it almost hurt. His features had sharper edges. He wasn’t a boy anymore—he was a man. I’d run through different scenarios thousands of times of what it would be like when I saw him again, but this wasn’t what I’d ever imagined. This was bigger. I’d been fooling myself to think that Teddy didn’t matter to me—that I could ever just give him up. Scared that losing him outweighed the risk of loving him. He was everything I’d ever wanted and still was. I wanted to reach out and caress his cheek. I wanted to feel that he was real. That he was really standing in front of me.
I’d forgotten all about Aidan until he appeared next to me. “Stella, are you okay?” He looked from me to Teddy and then back at me. “Is he bothering you?” The idea of Aidan offering to kick Teddy’s ass caused a hysterical sounding laugh to push its way out of my throat. Aidan’s forehead crinkled in concern and I pulled myself together. Teddy wasn’t big and bulky like Pat, but I could see lean, strong muscles straining underneath his shirt. I flashed back to high school when he broke that kid’s nose and got suspended. And that was before he looked the way he did now. He could do some serious damage to Aidan if things got out of hand. I didn’t want him getting hurt.
“No.” I tore my eyes from Teddy to look at him. My heart filled with guilt. He deserved better. He’d been such a sweet boyfriend, but deep down in my heart I knew he never really stood a chance. There was only one guy for me—Teddy.
“Wait—a sec. Do you two know each other?” Aidan pointed between us. His face pinched.
“Yes.” Teddy and I answered in unison. We’d gone back to staring at each other. It was like a giant magnet was forcing us together and I couldn’t look away even if I’d wanted to. I couldn’t get enough of him.
“Are you the platinum blond Theo was bragging about two weeks ago that he banged?” Aidan’s voice filled with anger.
Apparently I wasn’t the only one who knew Teddy. I recognized the accusatory look in Aidan’s eyes and I didn’t like it. It was the same way the kids in my high school had looked at me. Like I was a tramp. But I didn’t understand why. I’d never given Aidan any reason to think I was promiscuous. We’d been dating for almost two months and we hadn’t had sex. We’d come close—but we hadn’t gone all the way. Tonight was supposed to be the big night.
Then the real panic started to set in. My face grew red and my throat threatened to close again—fear taking over. I was going to have a panic attack out here on the sidewalk. And it wasn’t because of the way Aidan was looking at me. It was because of Teddy. If Aidan was telling the truth that Teddy had been bragging about being with a blond, it wasn’t me he’d been referring to. He’d been talking about some other girl. It wasn’t like I thought Teddy and I ever had a chance, but at least I could pretend we did. Hearing about him having sex with someone else made me want to vomit. And I’d seen him tonight holding devil girl’s hand. It was more than I could handle. My world swayed and my vision blurred. I pulled in a shaky breath, but I couldn’t get eno
ugh air in my lungs. I doubled over, gasping.
“What the fuck, asshole? Look what you did.” Teddy fumed and took a step closer. He was right in front of me. Breathing was impossible. I thought he was going to punch Aidan, but he didn’t. I felt his hands on me instead. They were gentle and comforting. Somewhere in the background I heard Aidan talking, but I didn’t know what he was saying. I couldn’t concentrate. I focused on Teddy’s touch.
He sat me down and then placed his hands on either side of my face. An immediate peace overcame me. “Breathe.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but I heard it through the fog in my brain. “Remember the day when we were kids and you, Charlotte, and I were laying in the grass in my backyard looking up at the clouds. We laid there for an hour calling out shapes until dark clouds appeared and dumped bucketfuls of rain on us.” I nodded. He gave me what I needed—a happy memory to focus on. That had been a good day. Without my even realizing it, my heart rate slowed down and I could breathe a little easier.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but when I got my emotions under control a large group had gathered. Lena and Pat were there. Concern etched on their faces. I also saw the devil girl who’d been holding Teddy’s hand earlier. I couldn’t tell if they were a couple or not. She wasn’t flying into a jealous rage to find him sitting here with me. Aidan on the other hand looked like he wanted to punch Teddy and then throw me over his shoulder and carry me away.
“I need to go home.” My voice came out sounding rough and raspy. The panic attack had left me weak and tired.
“I’ll take you.” Teddy and Aidan answered at the same time. They stared each other down.
“Alone.” I couldn’t face them right now. I needed to get a handle on my feelings and I couldn’t do that with either one of them near me. Aidan was a nice guy and I didn’t want to hurt him, but seeing Teddy again had rocked my world.
“I’m going with you.” Lena appeared in front of me, reaching her hand down to help me stand. She left no room for argument.
“Thanks.” I needed a friend right then.
Aidan looked hurt by tonight’s turn of events. But his comments had hurt me too and had been the catalyst that put me over the edge. I knew he deserved an explanation, but I couldn’t give him one right now. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“’Kay.” There was nothing else to say right now. He accepted it with sad eyes.
“Are you going to be alright?” Concern, and something else that looked a lot like love, filled Teddy’s handsome face, giving me hope.
“Yeah, I think so.” Obviously I had a lot to work through. Running from Teddy and pretending like he didn’t exist for the past year and a half hadn’t worked, because as soon as I’d laid eyes on him again my world came crashing down upon me.
“It was good to see you.” He leaned in close and stared at me with those amber eyes. I almost caved and wrapped my arms around him and begged him to take me home. But then I felt Lena’s hand on my arm and reality sunk back in. I just had a panic attack and I needed time to sort everything out.
“You too.” My voice was thick and hoarse. I looked back at Teddy as I climbed into a taxi. He hadn’t moved. He lifted his hand and waved. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring—if we had a chance at being a real couple or not—but I knew it was what I wanted. I just worried that I was too late. Slutty devil girl was next to him again. She was a platinum blond, too.
***
I woke up to the smell of coffee. Lena had gotten up early and made a coffee run. Three steaming cups sat in a tray.
“You’re the best.” Tori grabbed one. She didn’t look like herself yet. Her nose was red and her eyes were puffy, but she sounded better. I wasn’t the only one who benefitted from a good night’s rest.
“Sit.” Lena ordered, handing me a cup of coffee just the way I liked it. Lots of cream.
“Thanks.” I took a sip and gathered my thoughts. “Thanks for last night too. There’s so much to tell you.”
Lena put a breakfast sandwich in front of me and Tori, and then sat down between us with one of her own. “First we eat, then we talk. I have a feeling we’re gonna need fuel to get through what you have to say.”
I laughed. In the short amount of time we’d been friends, we’d grown to understand each other. I couldn’t have been matched up with better roommates. I’d heard stories from other people whose roommates were a nightmare, but mine were awesome.
We ate our breakfast and kept our conversation light. We talked about a new pair of shoes that Tori had spotted on her last shopping trip and now claimed were calling her name. She vowed to buy them as soon as she was feeling better. All too soon we were done eating and I couldn’t put it off any more. I gathered my strength. It was a long story. I’d loved Teddy my whole life.
“Teddy, the guy who you saw me with that wasn’t Aidan, we grew up together. He lives across the street from me back home. Charlotte is his older sister.” They’d heard me talk about her many times. Hearing myself say that they were brother and sister made me realize how strange it was that I had completely avoided mentioning that she had a brother that lived right here in the city. Wow. I did have it bad.
“I understand why you never told us about him. He’s a hottie. You wanted to keep him all to yourself, you bad girl, you.” Lena teased.
“Damn! Of all the nights to be sick! I can’t believe I wasn’t there.” Tori shook her head and frowned.
Lena and I laughed.
“It’s true. Teddy’s hot.” Ridiculously hot. I took a deep breath. Now for the real reason I never told them he existed. “And I’ve been in love with him forever. And I’ve never told anyone.” Instantly a huge weight lifted off my chest. I needed to get my feelings out in the open. Who better to listen than my friends?
“I knew it.” Lena smiled, looking satisfied. “I saw the way you two were looking at each other—like two starved people who hadn’t eaten in years. It was like you were having a private feast—eating each other up right there on the sidewalk. I’d never seen anything like it.” She put her hand over her heart. She might not look it, but she was the biggest sap I knew.
“When can I meet him?” Tori pouted.
“You can’t.” Deep sadness filled the center of my chest and I held back a sob. “I pushed him away and now he’s moved on.” Slutty devil girl flashed in my mind.
Lena shook her head vehemently. “Uh-uh. You’re wrong. I was there, remember? I saw the way he looked at you. I’ve never seen a guy more lovesick in my whole life. It was like something right out of a movie.”
“I had my chance with Teddy and I blew it.” I should’ve told him how I really felt that day when he kissed me. Now it was too late. He had a girl.
“He had eyes only for you, babe.”
“He was holding hands with devil girl and wearing one of her accessories.”
“That means nothing. He probably borrowed them because they wouldn’t let him in without a costume. He had on regular clothes.”
I rolled my eyes to hide how much I wanted to believe her words were true.
“Even if he has a girl, she can’t compare to you. You’re fucking gorgeous.” Tori might not have been there, but it didn’t matter. She was a fierce and loyal friend. Her accent was thick. It came out the strongest when she was standing up for one of us. “If I were gay, I’d be all over you.”
We laughed. It felt good to relieve some of the tension that had built up inside of me.
“I say go for it.” Lena prodded me, bumping my shoulder. I smiled faintly. I wanted to believe that Teddy was still interested in me. Seeing him again made me realize that I was finally ready to see if what we had was real. Only I feared I was too late. “What have you got to lose?”
“Only Aidan.” Tori shrugged. She’d never been a big fan. She thought he was too nice. Once again I’d forgotten about him. My face turned red as guilt seeped in.
“You guys have been together for almost two months and you haven’t had sex. What do
you think that’s all about?” asked Lena. “Pat and I had crazy sex on the third date and I still can’t get enough of him.”
She was right. I had put off getting intimate. The question was why. I sat quiet for a minute, letting it all sink in. I liked Aidan, but the truth was I didn’t love him. “I have to call it off. If I’m honest with myself, the reason I was attracted to him in the first place was because he reminded me of Teddy. But he’s not him. No one is. I can’t stay in a relationship with Aidan when my heart belongs to someone else.”
“That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.” Lena placed her hand over her heart and pretended to swoon. Tori and I giggled.
***
I made plans to meet Aidan at a café. He deserved better than me breaking up with him over the phone. Even though he hurt me with his accusations, he had been a good boyfriend—patient and kind. I thought about how he hadn’t pressured me to have sex and didn’t mind taking things slow. I should’ve realized that the reason I wasn’t ready had nothing to do with him. I got to the café first and ordered two coffees. I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, but I was ready to put it behind me. Aidan arrived just as I sat down at a table.
“Thanks for meeting me.” I slid over his drink.
“I was worried about you.” His face was filled with concern and what could possibly be described as remorse. Dark circles were under his eyes. It didn’t look like he’d gotten much sleep last night.
“I’m fine.” I fidgeted with my mug. I didn’t want to explain why I’d fallen apart. It was personal and didn’t have anything to do with him. His words sparked my irrational fear of losing Teddy—hearing that he’d moved on.
“I want to apologize for what I said last night. I was out of line.” He took a deep breath. “When I walked out and saw you and Theo together, I snapped. It was like walking in on two people having sex, only you both had your clothes on. I know I’m probably not making any sense, but that’s what it felt like to me. I was an outsider looking in. The sexual tension between you two was palpable.” He paused briefly, then continued. “I’m sorry.”
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