I darted up to my room and slammed the door. My fingers were already numb. I collapsed on my bed face first. My whole body shook and my chest ached. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to focus on a snapshot to stop the anxiety, but it didn’t work this time. I couldn’t stop the panic. Tremors wracked my body.
I must have fallen asleep, because it was dark when I woke up. I was thinking clearer than I had been earlier, but what my dad said still didn’t make any sense. Why didn’t Teddy tell me about the internship? We could’ve worked things out. He was probably worried because I told him I’d had a panic attack the day I pushed him away when he was going off to college. I saw the guilt in his face. He thought he was responsible. He wouldn’t want to put me through that, which was ridiculous. I was a big girl. I thought about asking Teddy about it, but then I remembered he was as stubborn as me and I wasn’t about to let him give up his dream. There was only one thing I could do.
I booted my laptop, opened my email and began typing a message.
Teddy,
I’m not very good with words. I’m better with pictures. Snapshots. I’ll try and use that technique here to help you understand. I left to go back to the city and I don’t want you to follow me. I don’t want you to call me. I’m letting you go.
When I look at you, and all that you’ll be someday, I know I’ll get in the way of you fulfilling your dreams. And I won’t do that. When I think about what would’ve happened if I’d gotten pregnant, it terrifies me. You would’ve dropped out of college because you would’ve insisted on taking care of me and the baby, claiming it was the right thing to do. And I would’ve let you because selfishly I would’ve wanted you too.
I hope you understand and respect my wishes. I thought the time was right for us to be together, but I was wrong. I’m asking you to get on with your life and fulfill your dreams. I’m going to do the same.
Even though our time together was short, it was the happiest time of my life. Thank you, Teddy. I will always love you.
Love,
Stella
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I typed and I felt a huge hole in my heart. It wasn’t a panic attack this time. It was grief. I didn’t feel a sense of terror, because I was choosing this. I was letting Teddy go because I loved him. I didn’t want to hold him back from being everything he could be. And for the first time ever, I agreed with my dad. Teddy was brilliant and he was going places. I had no doubt he’d get a job in cyber security when he graduated, and this internship would help him get there. I wiped away my tears. I used the pregnancy scare as an excuse. Teddy couldn’t know I was letting him go because I’d found out about the internship. I just hoped it wasn’t too late for him to participate.
I saved the message in my drafts. I felt sad and weak for breaking things off with him in an email, but I knew if I did it in person I’d never be able to go through with it. This was the only way. I’d send it as soon as I was on my way back to the city. I wanted a head start. I’d told Teddy not to call or look for me but I didn’t think he’d listen.
I made arrangements for my mom to take me to the train station first thing in the morning. I told her I had gotten a modeling call and needed to go back early. It was true, but originally I had turned the job down because it started the day Teddy was due back. Now it was the perfect excuse. I couldn’t stay here.
Theo
I’d just woken up after another night of tossing and turning. Dark circles were a permanent feature this break. Even my mom asked me about them. It wasn’t like I could come right out and tell her that I couldn’t sleep without Stella’s warm body next to me. I sighed. I’d have to talk to her about moving in with me. I knew it was soon, but I didn’t care. At the very least I’d insist she start sleeping at my apartment five or six nights a week. My body responded as I thought about Stella in my bed. I’d have to go to the bathroom and take care of myself as soon as I got out of bed. My body missed Stella in more ways than one. But first, my heart needed attending. I texted her every morning.
Me: Only 5 more days
Stella didn’t respond. I texted her again. Still nothing. I waited. Maybe she wasn’t up yet. I made my way to the bathroom. The pressure was getting unbearable. I’d give her half an hour and then I’d text her again. Usually she responded right away, but knowing Stella her phone probably died in the middle of the night or she wanted to sleep in late.
There was still no response from Stella by the time I’d finished my breakfast. I was beginning to worry. What if something happened to her? I tried to call, but no answer. I asked Charlotte what she thought but she said it was probably nothing. I hoped she was right. I tried not to worry too much as we got ready to going skiing for the day.
I was close to panicking when we’d gotten back to gram’s and neither one of us had heard from her. It just wasn’t like her. Charlotte gave me her house phone number and I dialed. Someone answered on the third ring. I was thankful they still had a landline; so many people I knew only had cell phones.
“Hello.” Stella’s mom answered.
“Hi, it’s Theo. Can I talk to Stella?”
There was a pause on the other line and my gut twisted in knots. Something was wrong. “I’m sorry, but she’s not here. She headed back to school. I dropped her off at the train station early this morning.”
“What?” I couldn’t have heard her right.
“She’s gone. She said she got a call for a modeling job and was going to stay with one of her friends from school who lives in the city. Did you know she models?”
“Yeah.” But Stella had told me she turned down that job because it started on January 2nd, the day I was getting home. She would’ve told me if she changed her mind. Mrs. Freeman didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about. I asked a different question, hoping to get closer to figuring out the truth. “Did something happen to her phone? I tried calling her but she didn’t answer.”
“I don’t think so. She called a few minutes ago to tell me that she made it okay. Her friend was there to pick her up.”
Fuck! This I wasn’t expecting. Would she really take off without telling me? Did I do something to upset her? I couldn’t imagine what. I hadn’t seen her in days and when we talked yesterday she seemed totally fine.
“Thanks.” I didn’t even say goodbye. I simply hit the end button and stared at my phone. I thought about chucking it across the room, but I didn’t. I’d just gotten it for Christmas and I really liked it.
I sat there trying to understand what was happening. Why wouldn’t she answer my phone calls or respond to my texts? Why wouldn’t she want to talk to me? I could only think of one possibility, and it made my heart ache. Was she breaking up with me?
I saw my finger touch the e-mail icon on my phone, but it didn’t feel real. It felt like I was watching somebody else do it. My eyes scanned my inbox. Numbness settled into my chest as I read the letter Stella had sent. She was wrong. Fucking wrong. She wasn’t going to get in the way of my dreams. My life meant nothing without her and my dreams didn’t mean shit if I didn’t have her to share them with. Didn’t she know that? Anger took over. How dare she leave me? And how shitty of her to dump me in a goddamn e-mail. I wouldn’t let this go. I wouldn’t let her go. I’d track her down as soon as I got back to the city.
***
Since I didn’t have a clue where her friend lived, I knew I didn’t have a chance of finding her until the semester started back up and she was back at Parsons. I returned to the city the Friday before classes began. I went to her dorm before dropping my shit at my apartment. She was all I could think about. I’d make her see how much I needed her. I didn’t feel the way she did about the “pregnancy scare.” It had shown me what I wanted in life—her. My angel. The dorm was locked. The sign posted said that students weren’t allowed back in until tomorrow morning. Fuck! I had to wait another day.
I dreaded returning to my apartment. We’d spent so much time there together. Slowly I entered my room and the memories slamme
d into me. We’d stayed up late into the night, many nights, making love and getting to know every inch of each other’s bodies. I heard the noises she made when I pulled her nipple into my mouth, and the screams she let out when she came. I stared at the bed, knowing the sheets would smell like her—blackberries and vanilla. I’d never get any sleep.
I threw down my stuff and began to tear off the sheets, then I froze. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to feel her all around me—always. I vowed to do whatever it took to convince her. I’d come up with a plan to win her back.
The next morning I got up early and headed over. I’d sit here and wait until she showed up. I wasn’t going to give up on her, on us. I waited and waited. I saw students trickle in at first and then it started to pick up by late morning. I was getting hungry, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t a cold day and I had worn my heavy coat and boots. I was prepared to wait as long as it took.
I saw her from a block away—platinum hair sticking out of a striped winter beanie. My pulse raced. This girl was my lifeline. She was essential to my survival. I waited patiently until she neared. I didn’t want to scare her off. Her steps slowed as she got closer. She’d seen me. She wasn’t smiling and her face was set in a hard line. Fuck! This wasn’t going to be easy. Stella could be stubborn when she wanted to be.
I stood, waiting for her to reach me. “Stella.” We were standing face to face and all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms.
“I told you not to come looking for me.”
“You can’t do this. I love you.” I rehearsed what I would say while I waited, but suddenly I couldn’t remember any of it. All that mattered was that we loved each other. “And I know you love me too.” She’d told me many times and I felt it in the way she responded to me.
“It’s not enough.” At least she didn’t try to deny it this time. I wouldn’t have believed her anyway. No one was that good of an actress, not even ones who had academy awards sitting on their mantles.
“It is.” I could be stubborn too.
“Listen, Teddy.” As long as she was still calling me Teddy, I had a chance. Hope surged in my chest. “There’s nothing you can say or do that is going to make me change my mind.”
I had to make her see things my way. “I don’t care about the pregnancy scare. If anything it proved to me how much I want to be with you. I’m not ready to have a kid right now, but I know it’s what I want someday. Why can’t you give this thing between us a chance? Can’t we figure this out together? My dreams don’t mean shit without you.”
“Well, I have dreams too.”
“I know.”
“You don’t know.” Suddenly Stella looked really pissed and it caught me off guard. She’d taken a step closer. “I don’t want to be tied down right now. I want to focus on my career and I can’t do that when I’m with you. You’re a distraction.” She looked away and then looked me in the eye with those baby blues that got me every time. “Please, Teddy. I need you to walk away.”
Fuck! That hurt! I could barely get the words out. My voice was raw and rough. I wouldn’t stand in Stella’s way and she knew that. She’d made up that shit about not wanting to get in the way of my dreams to try and let me down easy. Now I didn’t have a choice but to let her go.
But I wasn’t leaving without giving her a kiss to remember me by. I leaned down and pressed my lips against her soft ones, cupping the back of her head with my hand. I made sure it was a kiss she’d never forget. It was hot and filled with desire. I stuck my tongue in her mouth and tasted her one last time. I started to retreat, and she surprised me by hanging on tighter and pushing her tongue into my mouth. We stood there making out like two lovers who were happy to be together again after a long Christmas break, when in reality it was a goodbye kiss. My heart broke into pieces at the thought. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I pushed her away.
“Go.” My voice was hard. If she didn’t leave me now, I’d throw her over my shoulder and take her back to my apartment and never let her leave. But I wanted to do the right thing. I loved Stella and if she needed me out of her life so that she could focus on her photography, then I’d let her. But only if she disappeared by the time I counted silently to ten.
She ran inside the building and didn’t look back. I remained on the sidewalk, unable to move. I loved her and I didn’t want to let her go, but I did it for her. She didn’t leave me a choice. I didn’t want to lose her. It took me so long to find her, but I set her free. It was what she wanted. I didn’t know how I was going to get past this. I was a broken man.
Stella
I wasn’t surprised to see Teddy waiting for me when I got to my dorm. I knew he wouldn’t be able to just let things go. It took everything in my power not to run into his arms and let him take me back to his apartment. My heart wanted him. And my body craved him. I felt a magnetic pull to him the way an alcoholic is drawn to booze.
With every word I spoke, my heart shattered into even smaller pieces. Soon they were the size of dust particles and I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to put them back together again. It reminded me of the ‘Hidden Truth’ project I’d handed in at the end of last semester. Shattered.
I didn’t turn around as I entered the building. I knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to go through with this, and I had to let Teddy go. I was doing this for him even if he didn’t know it.
I was still lying on my bed bawling like a baby when Tori returned to the dorms. “What’s wrong?” She threw down her stuff and made a beeline over to my side of the room.
“Teddy and I broke up.” I sobbed.
“I’m going to fucking kill him.”
I sat up. “It’s not his fault.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You can’t protect him from me. I’ll find him and when I do I’ll kick his ass while Lena holds back his arms.” Tori was fired up. She pulled out her phone and started texting.
“I broke up with him.”
“You what?” Her eyes opened wider in surprise.
Lena exploded into the room. “I didn’t wait for the elevator and I ran all the way up the stairs—with my suitcase.” She collapsed next to me, completely out of breath. “I can’t believe Teddy broke up with you. He is so dead.”
“I broke up with him,” I repeated for Lena’s benefit this time.
“What?” She looked just as shocked as Tori.
“Teddy turned down an internship at the NSA because of me. I can’t let him do that. I won’t stand in the way of him working undercover for the government someday. It’s all he’s ever talked about. And the worst part is he didn’t even tell me.”
“Then how do you know?”
“My dad.” I saw Tori and Lena exchange a look. “My dad’s an asshole, but he doesn’t lie. He waits until the worst possible moment, then he uses information he’s learned to hurt people.” My friends frowned deeper. “The only reason I can think of that would make Teddy turn down an opportunity like this—is me. That’s why he didn’t even mention it to me, because he knew I’d tell him to go. He’s worried about leaving me. I told him I had a panic attack when he left for college. And we just got together. The internship is in Baltimore.”
“Yeah, but that’s only a two hour train ride. He could take the internship, even if you stay here in the city. You could work things out. You don’t have to break up.” Tori still looked confused.
Lena nodded her head. “It’s only for a summer. And you won’t even know about your internship yet for a couple of months.”
“You should tell Teddy that you know,” Tori argued.
“I can’t.” My eyes filled with tears as I thought about the devastated look on Teddy’s face when I walked away. “It’s too late. I hurt him. I had to. He wouldn’t let me go. I turned it around on him. I told him he was a distraction and was getting in the way of my career. I knew he’d never stand in my way any more than I’d stand in his.”
“Oh, honey.” Tori pulled me into one of her hugs. “What are we gonna do with
you?” Her accent was thick and I could feel the pain she felt for me.
Lena hugged me next. “This is tragic. You guys love each other.”
The tears began to fall. I did love Teddy, and I knew he loved me too. I wished it could be different, but right then I knew it had to be that way. I’d do anything for him, including letting him go. That was the hardest thing I’d ever done. My friends didn’t understand. They didn’t know Teddy the way I did, but they agreed to support my decision. I needed them and I felt a tiny bit better knowing they were behind me.
Theo
“What are you still doing here?” Joe entered the apartment and saw me crashed out on the couch, flipping through channels. “I thought you’d be long gone.” I settled on a show about the melting of the polar icecaps. “It’s already after five.” I didn’t need the reminder. I knew what time it was. Last semester I would’ve been on my way to pick up Stella for date night. We’d been back at school for a week and I hadn’t told Joe or Darian. I thought if I didn’t say anything, maybe it wouldn’t be true. Or maybe she’d realize how unnecessary and fucked up it was that she’d dumped me and come crawling back before anyone had to find out. And I’d fucking take her back too, with open arms.
Joe was waiting for me to explain. “Stella broke up with me.” It hurt saying those words out loud. It was like a knife to the chest.
“She what?” He didn’t try to hide his surprise. My roommates had witnessed first hand what Stella and I had together. We’d been fucking happy.
“She broke up with me.” It hurt even more the second time I said it and it made it more real.
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