by MK Schiller
He thrust into her again, but this time he said the words she couldn’t. They came out breathless and panting, in partial screaming grunts and soft whispers, but she understood every one. He punctuated each statement with another thrust. “Lanie. You. Are. Beautiful. Turn me on so much. Make me crazy. You have the perfect body. I lust you. I crave you. I want you.”
Somewhere between his declarations, she looked in the mirror and watched them. For once, she believed him. She was beautiful. Her orgasm was powerful, and she couldn’t comprehend very much except that, when she glanced up again, he was watching her. Kyle leaned his head against her back and caressed the area he had spanked, rubbing it in slow circles.
“Does it hurt?” he asked, moving out of her.
“It stings, but I’m okay.”
“Where is your lotion?”
She pointed to the closet. He retrieved it and smeared some gently on the area.
“Guess what?” she said.
“What, baby?”
“I’m a beautiful woman.”
He laughed and kissed her back. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
It had been a week since their intense fuck session in the shower. He hadn’t meant to spank her, but seeing that beautiful ass made his hand twitch. Seeing that she liked it made it difficult to stop. And seeing his handprint on her behind made him hard again. Every time he was with her, he wanted more of her, not just sexually either. He had to leave before he fucked things up and hurt her. Actually, leaving was the best way to ease his own pain too.
Kyle was wondering how to break it to Lanie that he was leaving for New York. He’d made the decision, but the debate still raged on in head. The articles on the Hayes case had made him the envy of his colleagues and the object of desire to editors. His boss practically got down on his knees, begging him to reconsider the relocation. He told himself that’s why he had given such generous notice. But he knew that wasn’t the only reason. He still had two weeks before he left, but it was obvious, even to him, that he was procrastinating. He hadn’t even started packing yet.
Lanie seemed distracted tonight. They had made love and she spent the weekend with him, but her mind was elsewhere. They were lounging on his balcony, enjoying what was likely to be one of the last nice days of fall, sipping wine.
“What’s wrong, Lanie?” he asked, hoping he would not be adding to whatever was worrying her.
“I have to tell you something.”
“You can tell me anything, sweetheart,” he said, taking her hand and kissing the fingertips.
Lanie twirled a piece of hair until it was a tight coil. It was a gesture he’d seen her do many times when she was nervous or sad, and in this moment, Kyle thought she was both.
“I think you’re my best friend…no, sorry, I know you are. I love you.” Kyle almost choked on his drink, surprised to hear her say that. She immediately gave him an admonishing look. “Don’t freak out. I didn’t mean it like that. I love you as a friend. Jeez, Kyle!”
“I feel the same way, so what’s wrong?”
“I’m so glad you were my first. It was perfect. Your friendship has made me a better person in so many ways, but I can’t have sex with you anymore.”
This time Kyle did choke, and Lanie had to pat him on the back. “Dammit, Kyle, I’m a lawyer, not a doctor,” Lanie joked when Kyle recovered.
“Why are you denying me access to your body?” Kyle seethed, wondering if Brad had anything to do with this. He seemed to be regarding Lanie differently lately.
“I’m over Brad. I no longer fantasize about a relationship there. He’s with my sister, and I’m going to accept that.” Kyle let out a deep sigh without realizing he was even holding his breath. “But I do want a real relationship. I want to be with someone committed to me and not pretend anymore.”
Kyle wasn’t sure how to respond. This was the most real relationship he’d ever had. “So you want to date other people?”
“I want someone who wants a future with me. Let me show you something.” Lanie put her wineglass down, reached for her laptop, and opened it. She brought up a Web page for a dating site. His muscles all tightened at once.
“This is my profile. I just put it up this morning. What do you think?”
Kyle took the laptop and scrolled through the page. The photo was the one they had taken at the zoo. Lanie had cropped Kyle out of it. She was smiling, and her curly auburn hair was spilling over her shoulders in soft waves. She listed her career, hobbies, and things she was looking for in a mate. Commitment was at the top of the list.
“Lanie, you know this is dangerous, right?”
She shook her head and gave Kyle a half smile. “I’m not an idiot. I’ll meet these men in public places, and a ton of people meet online now. I’m not a bar person, so I think this will be a good alternative for me.”
“Have you gotten any hits?” His voice wavered, but Lanie didn’t seem to notice.
“No, I just posted it this morning. I don’t think we should have sex anymore, even casual sex. It doesn’t feel right to be looking for something permanent and participating in something cavalier at the same time.” She took a deep breath. “It’s messing with my head. You’ll still be my friend, right?” Lanie tousled his hair.
He grabbed her wrist and rubbed gently before kissing the underside. “Best friend, Lanie.”
That night while she slept, Kyle paced. It wasn’t enough, so he went for a long run and returned sweaty and tired but still unable to sleep. He stared at her laptop sitting open on his kitchen table like it was mocking him. Before he had time to register the action, he brought up the site on her favorites. Luckily she had set it to remember her password. Kyle scanned through it, finding twenty hits. Many of them were from successful, professional men. And why not? Lanie was the perfect woman in so many ways. She was sweet and kind, but strong and independent. She was intelligent and successful. She loved sex and craved it as much as he did. She knew how to please a man. Oh, and she was hot as hell. She loved football, for God’s sake, and she ate ribs. What was not to love? Love? Kyle couldn’t love Lanie. He wasn’t capable of the emotion. He was selfish. In fact, he was so selfish he didn’t want anyone else to love her either.
A surge of jealousy tore through Kyle so fiercely it physically hurt. How could Lanie be with anyone but him? She was his Lanie. Logically he knew that didn’t make any sense, but emotions and logic were natural enemies. The emotions won and, before he knew it, Kyle was deleting all of Lanie’s responses. The only rational thought hit him when he was almost done deleting every profile that requested a date with her. If I delete all of them, Lanie might become suspicious. He found the least troublesome response, a heavyset, middle-aged, balding man with lackluster credentials. “You can stay. You’re safe,” Kyle whispered to the empty room.
The next morning Kyle made Lanie breakfast while she checked the site. “I don’t understand it,” Lanie said, shaking her head.
“Understand what?”
“I only received one response. Am I really that hideous?”
Kyle approached her and rubbed her shoulders. He hadn’t meant to make her question her desirability, especially after she was finally able to accept his compliments. He was a complete ass. “Lanie, you’re gorgeous, lovely, beautiful, stunning. I’m a writer, and I don’t have enough adjectives to describe what you are.” He gestured to her computer screen. “These things take time.”
“At least I’ll have one date with this Eddie Bromueller.”
Kyle took a deep breath, peering over her shoulder. He never expected her to take the request seriously. “Lanie, you can’t go out with him. I mean, look at him.”
“You’re judgmental today. Maybe he’s a great guy. I’m going to give him a chance.”
“I think it’s a mistake,” Kyle said.
“Why?” Damn, why did she always ask that question, and why was he never prepared for it?
“He’s self-employed.�
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“So?”
“That’s another way of saying ‘I don’t have steady income.’”
Lanie giggled. “Kyle, it’s sweet you’re being protective like a big brother.” Big brother was the last thing Kyle thought of when it came to Lanie, but he didn’t respond. “You never know. This guy could be the next Bill Gates.”
“Or the next Ted Bundy.” Kyle winced as soon as he said it, realizing who Lanie’s father was. “Lanie, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she said, holding her hand up to dismiss his apology.
“Do me a favor please. Just hold off on calling this guy. I have a feeling he’s a creeper who lives with his mother. Just wait, okay?”
“Wait for what? I don’t want to put this off.”
“You put off having a boyfriend your whole life. You can wait a few more days. Let me check this guy out?”
“Fine,” Lanie said, slumping in her seat and crossing her arms.
Kyle had no idea why he asked for the time, except he thought it would help him think. That’s exactly what he did that whole week. His mind wandered at all hours of the day: when he was in meetings with his editor, when he was running every morning, and even when he was arranging for his move. That’s when it hit him. He had no idea how Lanie felt about him. They were best friends and trusted each other with their deepest fears, which was ironic since their whole relationship was based on a blatant lie. At some point, Kyle had stopped pretending and had come to care for her deeply. In the real world, though, he could never be what she needed or deserved. It was inevitable. He would cheat on her, and Lanie had such a big heart that she would most likely take him back. He’d watched his father systematically break his mother’s heart until she was a shell of a woman. He wouldn’t let Lanie suffer the same fate at his hands. He was selfish, but he couldn’t do that to her. The Times didn’t hold the same magic for him that it had a few months before—before he met her—but he would leave. It would make it easier for him. He couldn’t watch her move on. It would systematically break his heart.
Chapter Twenty-Four
He’d procrastinated to the point that he only had a few days left in Chicago. He swore that he’d tell her tonight. She was his best friend, his confidante, and the one person he couldn’t wait to see every day, but he knew he couldn’t continue the friendship. It would be too hard for him. The heavy knock on his door shook the troublesome thoughts from his mind. She stood there, fists shaking, shoulders hunched, in a stance that Kyle had never seen from her. Lanie was pissed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Why did you do it?” she asked, shoving past him before plopping on the couch. Kyle cautiously sat beside her.
“I’m at a disadvantage here. Why are you so angry?”
“Why the hell did you delete my responses?”
Kyle froze, unsure of how to answer. He swallowed but found his mouth dry. “I don’t know—”
“Don’t lie. I know it was you. I called the dating service and told them I wanted to cancel. They tried to talk me out of it. Finally I told them I wasn’t receiving favorable responses. They looked up my account and said I’d received twenty-five.” She turned to Kyle, crossing her arms and awaiting his answer. Kyle shook his head, at a loss for words. Her voice became soft, almost a whisper, and there was a new emotion in it that Kyle couldn’t identify…hope? “I know it was you. You were the only one who had means and opportunity. What I want to know is…what was your motive?”
“Lanie, I told you it’s dangerous, and I was worried about you meeting strange men. You’re not experienced, and I didn’t like the idea.”
“Is that your only reason?”
Kyle cleared his throat, looking away from her. “Yes, what other reason would there be?”
“Kyle, I really need to know if that’s your only reason. I need you to be honest with me.”
Kyle closed his eyes and asked the question that she always did. The one that stunted his ability to articulate and think. “Why?”
“I need to know because, if by chance, you’re feeling anything else, I might have similar feelings.” Her chest heaved, and she folded her arms across it as if holding back the emotion. It was a palpable mixture of anger, betrayal, and anticipation that Kyle had never witnessed before. “Is it because you think you’re like your father? That you’re not deserving? You’re not. You’re a very good man, Kyle. I—”
She stared at him with those soft, honey-colored eyes, and there was something in her expression that answered all his questions. It was an optimistic hope that he’d say the right thing, do the right thing. He had to kill it before it destroyed both of them, because Lanie was so much like his mother, and unfortunately, he was his father’s son. He had to hurt her now, so he wouldn’t hurt her more later. He wanted her to hate him as he hated himself in that moment. “Lanie, don’t presume to know me. You know nothing about me. I care for you like someone might care for an injured dog.”
The tears started flowing down her cheeks. “That’s not true.”
“I’m a good actor. Isn’t that obvious?”
“Why are you being so cruel?” she demanded in a choked whisper.
“It was quid pro quo, Lanie. You gave me a Pulitzer-worthy lead, and I gave you some really good sex. Let’s call it even.”
“I don’t believe you. You know I would have given you the article no matter what. I never asked you for any of this.”
“You didn’t? Because you sure had your goals pretty set.”
“Kyle, I—”
“I’m moving to New York. I got a job at the Times. I’ll be gone in a week,” he said, devoid of any emotion, making his voice sound even colder.
Lanie swallowed and stared at Kyle. He kept his face a statue, willing himself to continue with his lie.
“Kyle, don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t shut me out, please.”
Kyle stood up and grabbed her arm. “Good-bye, Lanie. I have to pack now.” He ushered her to the door. He shoved her outside.
“Kyle, you’re my best friend!” Lanie hollered.
Kyle gave her a sardonic smile in response. “Get yourself a vibrator, sweetheart. It can be your new best friend.” He slammed the door in her face.
He heard her deep cry pierce through the closed door. He leaned against it, battling not to open it and pull her into his arms. He felt the wetness on his face, and he shut his eyes tightly to keep the tears locked away. He hadn’t cried since that horrible birthday at the cottage when he’d vowed never to cry again.
He had been the worst kind of man to Lanie. Not even a man…a complete coward. He had to be. If she hated him, it would be easier for her. Although she had never said it, he had a feeling from her expression that she loved him too. At least in this good-bye, she could be angry with him and come to the realization he wasn’t good enough for her. That was the least he could do for her.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Kyle had been in New York for three months. It had been the most miserable three months of his existence. He was in the most exciting city in the world, working at his dream job, receiving accolades from his colleagues, and there was even talk of a Pulitzer nomination, but all he could do was sulk. His thoughts drifted to Lanie at all hours. He started several texts and e-mails to Brad asking after Lanie, but he couldn’t bring himself to finish them. He’d had a good-bye drink with Brad before he left and told him they’d broken up. He never betrayed their secret. Brad seemed relieved by the news, which only irked Kyle further. He wondered what Lanie was doing or, more specifically, who she was doing it with.
He kept up on the Hayes case, even making daily phone calls to the journalist who’d taken over for him so he could get all the details. He cheered for Lanie when they negotiated a landmark settlement. He toasted her again a few days later when the district attorney’s office issued a fresh batch of warrants for the responsible parties, resulting in several high-profile arrests. Lanie had
gotten justice for her clients. That’s my girl, Kyle thought, and then he stifled the melancholy in that statement because she wasn’t his. She never had been.
He received numerous advances from women, but he no longer desired anonymous sex. He tried to act interested but found himself looking for Lanie’s soft, classic beauty in their features. When that didn’t work, he’d look for her dry sense of humor, which always made him laugh, or the passionate way she spoke about helping others. He failed miserably every time.
He wanted her to be happy, but the thought of her with another man made his jaw automatically clench along with his fists. Would she find another man to fill her sexual needs? Then he thought of how absurd that was. Lanie wasn’t the kind of woman who would reap any enjoyment from nameless sex. She loved with her body as she did with her heart…purely and unselfishly. That’s why she would find someone easily. That man would be one lucky bastard, Kyle thought grimly.
Kyle went to the bar with several colleagues, determined to break his spell of misery with sex. He reasoned that even if he didn’t feel an attraction to the girl, the act would cure his heartache. That’s when he saw the cute blonde staring at him. He sent her a drink. She had long, shapely legs and large breasts that threatened to fall out of her too-tight top at any moment. She was the perfect distraction. She smiled appreciatively at Kyle every time he sent her a drink, and he replied in kind. It didn’t take long for her to approach him.
“Thanks for the drinks. I’m Missy,” she said, sidling so close to him their shoulders touched.
“Thanks for the smiles, Missy. I’m Kyle,” Kyle replied, hardly looking at her.
Then she said the four words that were clear and concise in meaning. The words Kyle usually said first. The phrase wasn’t full of confusion and heartache like those other three words: I love you. They were simple and straightforward. “Your place or mine?”
