by Beth Wiseman
“Has Samuel spent much time with Noah?”
“No.” Lillian shook her head and sighed. “I sense that he wants to, but he’s not sure how to go about it. Maybe with time . . .”
“I hope they will be close again someday. Noah loves all his siblings, but there seems to be something special between him and Samuel.” She thought again of the letter.
“Let’s get back to you,” Lillian said. “I would not be a gut friend if I didn’t tell you I think you’re making a mistake.”
“You are a good friend. And I feel terrible that I’m leaving before David gets home, and that—”
“If you’re going to feel bad about anything, it should be about leaving without at least saying good-bye to Noah.”
“I’m going to send Noah a long letter when I get back to Houston, a safe distance away,” Carley said. “Over time we will both get on with our lives and realize this is for the best.”
It was barely daybreak the next morning when Samuel stowed Carley’s luggage in the trunk and helped Lillian get Anna fastened into her car seat. The hospital was on the way to the airport in Philadelphia, so Carley could drop them there before catching her eight o’clock flight.
Taking a last look at the farmhouse, Carley realized their lives would all go on without her there. They would all continue helping one another, despite the challenges, and they would all be fine. The Plain life of the Old Order district provided them with everything they needed—nourishment of faith, hope, and love.
And even though Noah had fled the Amish ways to pursue his own calling, his spiritual roots were firmly grounded. Carley knew she would never understand the practice of shunning, but in her heart, she had to believe that Noah’s family would find a way to accept him into their lives. He needed them.
Why had God led her to this place? Just to tempt her with all that she could never have? A kind, loving man. A community filled with simple peace and goodwill. Real friends who came together during times of need. How could this be God’s will for her? There was a hopelessness about the whole situation. When would she get her shot at happiness?
What if this is it and I’m walking away from it?
She would go back to Houston, to work and her memories, and things would be as they were before she left. Petty people backstabbing each other at work. Her brother, Adam, always treating her like a child. And no one for Carley to take care of—something she found more rewarding than anything else about her stay.
Last night she had prayed for Lillian, Noah, David, and all the family. David’s body was fighting to reject Noah’s kidney, but the doctors had said they expected that and, all things considered, David was doing very well. Carley wished she could stay until David returned home. She wished she could stay to see the look on Noah’s face when he saw the clinic for the first time. She wished . . . so many things.
A piercing sadness burrowed deep within her as Carley forced herself to get in the car and head to the hospital.
Conversation was limited on the way to Philadelphia. Anna fussed most of the way, and Lillian tended to her. Samuel was pleasant enough, but they all seemed preoccupied.
“David is expecting you to come say good-bye, Carley,” Lillian said when Carley attempted to pull into the patient drop-off lane at the hospital. “He’d be very disappointed if you didn’t. You should still have plenty of time to make your flight.”
Carley turned to the right and into the visitor parking area. How could she even have considered leaving without saying goodbye to David?
She knew how—for fear of running into Noah. But seeing David was the right thing to do, and as difficult as it would be, she was not going to walk down the hallway to Noah’s room.
I’m a horrible person, she thought. But I just can’t.
David was sleeping when they walked into his room. Lillian kissed him on the forehead, and he stirred.
“Carley is headed to the airport,” Lillian told him. “She wanted to come tell you good-bye.”
“I’m so glad you’re doing well,” Carley said as she approached David’s bedside and clutched his hand. “I’m going to miss all you guys.”
David rubbed his eyes and focused. “I thought you were gonna be stayin’ longer,” he said. “I thought maybe . . .”
Carley cut him off. “I have to get back to work,” she said, hoping she could put together some sort of article for Matt during the three-hour plane ride. “But I’m going to write letters, and Lillian is going to keep me updated about how you’re doing. And I love it here, so I’ll come back to visit.”
David nodded.
Carley leaned down and gave him a gentle hug. “I’m going to have to go so I don’t miss my flight.” She glanced at her watch, realizing she was pushing it.
She turned to Samuel and, after a slight hesitation, wrapped her arms around him. “Thank you for everything, Samuel. For opening your home to me and for being a friend. Don’t worry about the article. You’ll be pleased—if I ever get it written.” She smiled.
Carley could hear Lillian sniffling.
“Take care, Carley,” Samuel said when Carley pulled away to face Lillian.
She eased her arms around Lillian and Anna and said, “No crying,” even though she felt a tear trickling down her own cheek.
“I’m going to miss you. Thank you, Carley. For everything.”
Carley forced herself to pull free. “I’ll write. And while you have that cell phone, call to keep me updated about David.”
“I will,” Lillian promised.
Carley was waving as she backed out of the room. Her heart shattered at the realization she was leaving them all.
Once in the hallway, she glanced down the corridor toward Noah’s room. A few people hurried by her. It was still early, and the hospital was fairly quiet. She stood, her feet rooted to the floor. She couldn’t seem to make a move.
Carley uprooted herself after a nurse accidentally bumped into her shoulder. She made her way toward the elevator and waited for the doors to open. Tears were building in the corner of each eye, and she could feel a complete meltdown coming. She drew in a deep breath and attempted to blink back the sadness. She was dabbing at her eyes as she entered the elevator. There was only one person in it.
Noah.
She instinctively looked over her shoulder to consider an escape. Too late. The doors closed behind her.
“Hello, Noah,” she said, standing beside him, avoiding his eyes. He was still in a robe and slippers and waiting to be released sometime today, she assumed.
Slowly Noah moved toward the buttons on the front elevator wall. He pushed one of them. Carley felt the elevator come to a halt, but the doors didn’t open.
Noah put his hands on his hips and faced her. “I’d tell you this was some sort of strange coincidence, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence at all. The fact that you were going to leave without saying good-bye to me, without talking to me, seeing me, or returning my phone calls—no, I don’t think this is any twist of fate.”
“I’m sorry, Noah,” she said, wishing he would back away from her.
Instead, he drew even closer. “I’m so angry with you, Carley. If I’d had the strength to leave the hospital before today, I would have come and found you. Just getting a newspaper from downstairs took a lot of effort.” He glared into her eyes. “What have you been doing for the past four days? Were you so busy that you couldn’t answer your phone or return my calls?”
She leaned slightly away from him. “I have been busy, and you were doing so much better that I didn’t think you needed me to—”
“Well, I do need you,” he interrupted, his tone laced with bitterness.
She couldn’t back up any farther. With only inches between them, she looked into Noah’s hardened eyes. She deserved this. “I’m sorry, Noah.”
Noah cocked his head to one side, his hands still firmly planted on his hips. His eyes began to soften. “I know you are,” he said, running a hand briefly through his overgrown
hair. “But you are running out on us before us had a chance to get off the ground.” He gently clutched both of her arms, his eyes fused with hers. “Don’t do this, Carley. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I know how I feel.” He paused. “Give us a chance.”
Carley lowered her head, only to have Noah gently lift her chin until her eyes again locked with his. His lips met tenderly with hers. “Don’t go, Carley,” he whispered. “Stay.”
There was nothing she wanted to do more in the world. The feel of his arms wrapped around her inspired glorious visions of what a life with Noah would be like—filled with love, safety, peacefulness, and a simpler way of life.
A life without children, she reminded herself. She pushed him away.
“I can’t stay, Noah. I have my job. And my brother is in Houston, and . . . ,” she rambled, hoping he would step back. He held his position a few inches away, making it more difficult for her to think.
“Stop it, Carley,” he said sharply. “Let’s not do this—beat around the bush. You’re leaving because you think that since you’re unable to have children, I could never be happy with you.” He pointed a finger in her face. “And you are wrong. I want you.”
“You say that now, Noah! But what about a year from now? Five years from now? You would resent me for not being able to give you children. I’ve heard you mention plenty of times over the past month how badly you want to have children.”
“Do you want children, Carley?”
Her emotions spilled over in an almost hysterical outpouring of words she didn’t plan for. “More than anything in the world!” she cried. “I’ve always wanted children. And I can’t have any, ever! I’ve been angry at God about that, but I’m trying to accept that He has another plan for me—something other than raising a family. But, Noah, you shouldn’t be deprived of a family!” She brought her hands to her face.
“Carley,” Noah whispered as he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. “Families are not measured by DNA. Families come in all shapes and sizes.” He eased her away from him and smiled. “Stay with me, Carley.”
“I have to go. I’m going to miss my plane.”
“Good.” Noah folded his arms across his chest.
“Noah,” Carley began, “we’ve known each other for six weeks. That’s not very long. We will both go on to meet other people. A month from now, you’ll be running your clinic. You’re starting to reestablish relationships with your family. Things are turning around for you, and you’ll have the life you want.”
“First of all, I don’t think I can get the clinic ready to open within a month. You saw the mess.”
Carley smiled inwardly in spite of the pain she was feeling,
“Stay, Carley. I guarantee that a month from now—or a year from now, or ten—I’m not going to feel different.”
“How could you possibly know that?” Her heart was breaking. Noah was everything she’d ever wanted in a man.
“How do I know?” His eyes met hers. “Because I love you.”
Her final conversation with Dalton rushed through her mind. “I love you, Carley, more than anything in the world,” Dalton had said shortly after her accident. “But I want a son. A son of my own to carry on my legacy. I just assumed that someday we would get married and have children, and I don’t think I can live without that reality.”
“But we can adopt, Dalton,” she had begged.
“It’s not the same,” Dalton told her as he walked away from her—forever.
Carley pressed her lips firmly together, gathering false strength, and said, “I don’t love you, Noah—whatever you think you feel or think you heard me say. I care about you very much, and I’m glad you’re doing better, but—”
“You’re lying.” Noah edged closer again. “Stay, Carley.” His eyes held hers. “Or go home, gather a few things, and come back. I know you have loose ends to take care of in Houston. So how long before you can come back?”
“I’m not coming back, Noah.” She glanced at her watch. “I’m going to miss my plane.”
His pleading eyes, his handsome face—it was all getting too difficult for her to bear. She was trembling as she gently pushed him away, stepped to the row of buttons, and pressed the one for the lobby. Then she slowly turned to face him and stared into eyes that were darkening with each passing second and an expression that begged her to reconsider.
“Don’t do this, Carley. Don’t walk out of my life and let me think I imagined what I know we both feel. Tell me you love me.” She couldn’t take it anymore. She loved him, and she didn’t think she could contain her feelings any longer, no matter how wrong it would be to selfishly lock him into a life with her.
“Noah—,” she began.
The elevator doors slid open behind her. She took two steps backward, clearing the doors. Their eyes were locked when the doors closed between them.
She was afraid the look on Noah’s face would haunt her forever. Tears trickling down her cheeks, she stared blankly at the closed elevator doors in front of her.
20
DURING THE PAST MONTH, CARLEY HAD REREAD THE LETTER from Noah over a dozen times. Curled up in her bed beneath the Amish quilt he’d bought for her at the mud sale, holding the worn paper in her hands, she saw his face clearly as the day she left him standing in the elevator.
She glanced around the bedroom she’d grown up in. She had come home to the big empty house with a shattered heart and had fallen into her old life.
Matt was pleased with the Amish story she wrote on the plane ride home, publishing it the first week she returned to work. He’d given her the promised assignments, plus a few more. As before, employees bickered over who deserved the best news stories and other mundane issues.
Adam continued to hover over her like she was incapable of taking care of herself. She thought about the clinic and all she’d done to get it ready. She wished Adam could have seen the way she and the other women whipped the place into shape—lifting the heavy equipment, organizing each room, setting up a filing system, and tackling all the other tasks required to get the Stoltzfus Clinic ready. Not to mention the way Carley had tended to David and Noah, helped with the household chores, and lived without electricity or modern conveniences.
Looking back at all the events of her stay, she realized she’d been exhausted most of the time, but never happier. One thing she knew—staying busy and taking care of the needs of others had kept her own issues at bay.
She looked around her bedroom again. So many wonderful memories in this big house. But she was reminded daily that it was just that—a big empty house. She missed her mother more than ever. Her anxiety problems had resurfaced, with visions of the red truck rolling through her mind at times. Funny how her vivid recollections of the accident had all but ceased in Lancaster County. She’d reached a point while she was there when she hadn’t had time to focus on herself. Now, even with her job, she had too much time to think.
Life was different in Amish Country. Despite a demanding schedule that she knew would push some city folks to hightail it home, her new friends always made time for reflection, prayer, and appreciation of each other. Those times of thanksgiving were an important part of a busy day’s schedule. What she wouldn’t give for one day of all that.
And everyone helped each other. The food tasted better too—all homegrown and homemade. Carley could still taste Lillian’s bread, melted butter heaped atop a slice fresh from the oven. Rhubarb pie. Shoofly pie. And Lillian’s famous raisin puffs.
And despite the controversy about the shunning, people in the community still managed to come to Noah’s aid when he needed the love of family and friends. It was difficult for them to defy the bishop, but in the end their own good natures overcame their hesitation. There was a fellowship Carley didn’t think she would find anywhere else.
Two weeks ago she’d attempted to help a colleague with a news story that was going to require a ton of research. The veteran reporter was quick to tell Carley he did
n’t need her help, that all she was trying to do was to get credit for the story. In the world of the Amish, not only would they have offered to help with anything—they would have declined credit for their efforts. Carley didn’t want credit; she just wanted to help. She needed to do something—something that made a difference.
Lillian kept her updated about David. Just yesterday Lillian had called to tell Carley that he was doing so well at home that she was returning the borrowed cell phone—after jokingly saying she would miss that particular modern convenience.
Each time she talked to Lillian, Carley asked about Noah. Lillian said she hadn’t seen much of him, but from what she had heard, he was doing well. In a polite way, Lillian always tried to coax Carley to come see for herself.
Knowing the Amish community self-insured, Carley had tactfully asked Lillian if they were all going to survive the financial hit of the transplant. She knew from her own hospital stay—and her mother’s—how hard the financial aspect could bear down on a family. She suspected the cost of the transplant had been a harsh reality for the Old Order district. Carley also knew David’s medications would continue to run around a thousand dollars per month. Lillian had tearfully shared with her that an anonymous person was taking care of that expense. Both women knew there was no anonymity about it.
Carley’s young friend Dana, whom she’d kept in touch with, wasn’t always so polite when it came to Noah. “He misses you, Carley. It’s wrong for you not to be here,” Dana had said during their last phone call about a week before.
She looked again at the letter. Six rough drafts later, she still hadn’t mailed Noah a return missive. No words seemed to express what was in her heart. But as she unfolded the pages, she remained in awe of the way Noah was able to express himself.
She really didn’t have to read the letter. She knew it by heart.
Dear Carley,
It’s only been a week, and I miss you even more than I thought I would. Since you haven’t returned my calls, I’m sending you this letter, and I will pray to hear from you. After my release from the hospital, Dana took me by the clinic. To say that I was shocked and touched beyond words would be an understatement. What you all did represents the unconditional love I have been searching for with my family. Unconditional love means there are no boundaries when it comes to matters of the heart.
