by Lacey Black
“No,” I reply with so much force, she startles. “Never have I used you, Carly.” I want to tell her that I hadn’t used her for information, but I guess in a way, I did. At least that’s how it might have started out.
I grab her by the arms and turn her to face me. I’m not holding her tight enough to hurt her, but just enough so that she can’t pull away. “You were always the best part of this operation. You and our daughter are the only things that kept me going when I wanted to give up and walk away. He was never the reason I wanted to be with you,” I tell her, all but getting down on my knees and begging.
“And I don’t believe you,” she whispers, more tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. “I need to say something to my mom. You can wait by the front door,” she tells me, pulling back. I don’t want to hurt her or cause her more pain, so I let go. That one action feels like it signifies so much more than her leaving the room. It’s like she’s pulling away forever and I’ve let her go. I’ve lost her.
I follow her out of the room while she grabs her mom. They scurry down the hallway, and even though I can’t hear the words they’re saying, I can hear their collective cries. Natalia is sitting in her highchair eating a pancake and peaches. I sit next to her and let her shovel her soggy food into my mouth. Fear grips me so tightly by the balls that I almost choke on it. I try not to let my mind wander, but I can’t help but feel like this is the last time I’ll be sitting here with her inside of this apartment. The finality in the moment cuts deeper than I could have ever imagined.
A few minutes later, Carly returns and grabs her jacket. The look on Georgia’s face is one of pure devastation. I want to avoid the look she’s giving me, but I can’t. This is the bed that I made, and it’s time to lie in it. Sadness fills her eyes along with the tears. Sadness for Roman, but maybe even sadness for me. Because she knows. She knows what this has cost me. Her daughter. The woman I love.
Carly remains silent the entire ride to the jail where her father is being kept. She sits as close to the door as humanly possible, as if she can’t get far enough away from me. When we pull into the parking lot, she’s out the passenger door before I even get the ignition shut off. I have to jog to catch up with her before she can make it in through the front security doors. She falls back only briefly as she allows me to get us through security. Once on the other side, I place my hand on her lower back to guide her towards the interrogation room that Roman is waiting in. She doesn’t pull away, but the distance is evident.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” I ask, halting her progress.
“No. I need to do this alone,” she tells me with decisiveness. I search her face for any sign of weakness, anything that shows me she can’t handle what she’s about to face, but I only find the strong, beautiful woman that I love. So, as much as it pains me, I nod and open the door for her. I scan the room quickly to make sure they’re left alone before turning and walking back out.
Now I wait. I wait for Carly and Roman to finish their talk. I wait to find out if the woman I love is going to walk away at the end of the day. I wait to find out if my job is the only thing keeping me warm tonight. My legs feel weak as the weight of my emotions and the exhaustion set in. I slide down the white brick wall until my ass is planted firmly on the hard tile floor. Dropping my head onto my knees, I let my fatigue get the best of me.
Chapter Twenty-Five – The Weight Is
Too Much To Bear
Carly
I sit across from Roman, the tired man who resembles the father I used to know. I knew that I needed to see him, but now that I’m here, I just can’t seem to find the right words. His eyes speak of sadness and pity as he continues to return my gaze.
“Carlina, you must know that this life is one I never wanted for you. I only wanted the best for you and your mother, which was why I had to push you away. If something had happened to one of you, it would have been too unbearable. This life, it was the only life I had known. It was the only thing I had that was mine. I couldn’t give it up. Too many people, too much was riding on it. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you and Georgie. I love you both so much. That’s why I did what I did. That’s why I sent you away. Away from the danger. Away from the tainted life that I was living. I made the choice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I love you and your mother more than my own life. That’s why I needed to know you were safe.”
“But you chose this life over us,” I choke.
“In a way, yes. It was all I had known. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right one.”
“You could have walked away,” I pleaded with him, knowing that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter at all. The decision was made years ago.
“I couldn’t have, Carlina. I was already in too deep. I would have never been able to make a clean break. This life would have caught up with me at some point, most likely when I was least expecting it, and the outcome would have probably been deadly. I know this is hard to understand, but I needed to just tell you the truth. I love you, Carlina, and I could never be more proud of the woman and mother you’ve become. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, even if I didn’t get to share in the joy every day. That is my truth.”
I lay my head on my arms and cry. It’s too much. I’m not strong enough to handle this. I want to crawl into a hole and close my eyes, not coming out again until everything is different. My father isn’t in jail with a non-stop, one-way trip to prison. My mom isn’t at home mending another broken heart. My own heart isn’t broken beyond repair at the thought of never seeing Blake again.
“Mi Tesoro. My treasure. I want you to promise me something,” my father says, his voice imploring me to look at him. When I do look up, the same brown eyes I see every day in the mirror are pleading with me to understand. “I want you to live. Don’t be saddened by what is happening to me. This is the life I chose and I must now deal with the consequences. Promise me that you will follow your heart and enjoy your life. I sent you away so that you could live.” His eyes are fierce. “So live, Carlina. Love.” The meaning behind that one word knocks my world off axis. The room practically spins as my dad gives me my first real piece of fatherly advice. And the kicker? It’s the one thing that scares the life out of me. Love.
When our meeting is finished, I step out into the hall. I wasn’t allowed to hug or touch him, though I did manage to reach forward and set my hand on his for a second. Blake is on the floor across from the door, sitting with his head on his arms, and his arms on his knees. If it wasn’t for the soft snore I hear coming from him, I would think he’s just relaxing after a very intense few hours.
I contemplate leaving the jail and finding a cab to take me home. I don’t really want to be with Blake right now, but I also can’t just leave him sleeping on the hard floor. So I take a few steps towards him and touch his elbow. Blake jerks up, grabbing my hand so fast, I don’t even know what’s happening. The intensity in his green eyes strikes me straight to the core like a bolt of lightning. Heat from his touch scorches my skin.
“Everything all right?” he asks, looking around.
“I’m ready,” I tell him, not wanting to confirm or deny that everything is all right. In fact, everything is most definitely not all right. My entire world has been tipped upside down and shaken like a snow globe.
Blake hops up without letting go of my arm. I revel in his touch once more. I long to have him pull me into his embrace, put his strong arms around me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But the other part of me wants to push away, run as fast as I can away from the lies and stories. I can’t tell what is fact and what is fiction anymore and that’s the part that scares me the most. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see the truth. Love has blurred the lines.
I remain quiet on our ride back to my apartment. Blake is too, which I’m grateful for. Pulling into the parking lot, Blake finds an available space by the door. When he turns off the engine and makes a grab t
o release his seatbelt, I halt his progress by placing my hand on his arm. His eyes search my face as if waiting for me to let him know what we’re doing.
“I don’t want you to come inside, Blake. I need to go in and be by myself for a while. I have so much to think about right now, and I don’t want you there,” I tell him honestly.
“Us? You have to think about us?” he asks, his voice strained with emotions.
“Amongst other things. I just don’t know what is real and what isn’t right now, and the only way for me to try to wrap my mind around it, is to take a step back,” I tell him.
Blake reaches across the cab of the Tahoe and grabs my hands. “Yes, there are things that I told you that weren’t the truth. My full name and my occupation, not true. My name is Blake Andrew Thomas and I work for the FBI. I joined when an injury in college ended my football career. I wanted to go pro, but it just wasn’t in the cards. I have a younger brother, Luke, who works with me, as well as two overbearing parents that I haven’t seen in six months. I met the most amazing woman two years ago and spent the best night of my life with my arms wrapped around her, and I was fortunate enough to cross paths with her again recently. In fact, I discovered we share a daughter. Every time we’re together, every single time, was because I wanted to be there. Never because I was forced to or because of my job. Nothing–and I mean absolutely nothing–means more to me than my child and her mother. I love you, Carly. That? That is fact.”
Blake pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. “I’m going to leave right now because I know you are scared. I know you have things to deal with and work through, but know this: I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. I’m giving you space. I will be back, Carly. For you and for our daughter.” The passion in his eyes speaks volumes as they reiterate the words he just said.
And the scary part is? I believe him.
I climb out of the Tahoe on numb legs and make my way towards the building. I will myself not to turn around, but as soon as I slip inside the glass door and pull it securely closed behind me, I can’t help but look. Blake is still sitting there, watching me. He doesn’t leave.
My legs carry me towards the elevator that eventually deposits me on the top floor. With leaded feet, I drag myself towards my place and further away from Blake. Each step I take is like the knife digging further into my broken heart.
I make my way into my apartment and head straight for my daughter. She’s curled up on the floor, watching cartoons, but I don’t care. I need to feel her in my arms. I need to know that something in my life is real. She’s real. Her love.
And then those emerald green eyes clash with mine, and the dam breaks. I cry for the loss of my dad, twenty-two years ago, but again now. I cry for all of the what-could-have-beens and what-ifs. I cry for the relationship that I’ve had with Blake and the fact that I don’t know if I can forgive him. I cry because Blake let me get out of that vehicle and didn’t even try to stop me. Because I want to forgive him. I want to be with him. After everything is said and done, and all of the cards are on the table, I cry because I wish he were here.
I cry because I love him.
Chapter Twenty-Six – Little Brothers
Are A Pain In The Ass
Blake
“So?” Luke asks as he sits on the chair across from me. After I left Carly’s yesterday, I went to the crappy apartment and grabbed what few things I was keeping. I was ready to close that chapter of my life. When I took the undercover assignment, we knew it could be quite a while before the job was done. So, I sublet my apartment and stored all of my old furniture and clothes in my parents’ shed. The stuff in the apartment I’ve lived in for the past two years is old hand-me-down crap that I picked up to help me play the part. And that part is done.
“So what?” I ask, not giving him one inch.
“Are you gonna play dumb with me? You show up at my house yesterday with my Tahoe filled with your crap–that I had to unload, might I add–before passing out in my guest room. You haven’t left all day, which tells me that going to Carly’s isn’t an option for you. I take it she didn’t take the news too well. So, what happened?” Luke asks as he takes a pull from his beer bottle.
“No, she didn’t take it well,” I tell him, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. “She did exactly what I was afraid she’d do. Exactly what I hoped she wouldn’t.”
“So why are you here, sulking on my couch?” he asks, smug smile across his face. Asshole.
“I’m not sulking. I’m giving her space. And the thought of going to Mom and Dad’s wasn’t all that appealing. So I decided to grab your guest room before you could tell me no,” I reply, taking the final drink of my own beer.
“It’s yours as long as you need it. You know that,” he says with a pointed look. Yeah, I knew my brother wouldn’t have a problem with me crashing with him until I figure out how to return to the human race and secure my own place.
After several minutes of silence, I finally say, “I told her I loved her.”
Luke’s eyebrows rise heavenward. “Really?”
“Yeah, I told her everything I could about her dad and who I was, and that I was in love with her. She didn’t take it well,” I mumble, not really liking the bitter taste in my mouth.
“Wait. You told her that you loved her after you told her all that other crap?” I look up at Luke and his face is full of shock. It’s like I’d suddenly grown a second head.
“Yeah, so?”
“You fucking idiot. You don’t lay all that crap on her and then tell her you love her. No wonder she didn’t believe you, shit-for-brains. You always lead with the dramatic love confession. That way she’s all buttered up for when you drop the bomb. If you do it the way you did, she’ll think you’re only saying it because she’s mad and it’s your last resort.”
I stare at my younger brother. It’s like I don’t even know him anymore. “Have you been watching the Hallmark Channel while I was away?” I ask him, not understanding how my brother, who hates relationships, suddenly became some sort of expert on the topic.
“No,” he says, squirming in the chair. “My point is that you did it backwards. No wonder she doesn’t believe you.”
“Wait. Go back to the words of wisdom by the great Luke Thomas. Where did you learn all that shit? Unless you’ve been hiding a relationship, how in the hell do you know what’s the right way and wrong way to behave?”
Luke lets out a frustrated growl before getting up to get us each another beer. I’m not about to let him off the hook this easy, so I wait him out, letting my eyes follow every move he makes. “Fine. When I was younger, Sidney always made me watch these girly movies on television.”
“Sidney, the neighbor girl?” I’m flabbergasted that he even spent any amount of time with the girl. From what I remember, Luke used to pick on her and tease her relentlessly from the first day she moved in until the moment he went off to college.
“Yes, that Sidney. She used to give me these big sad eyes every time I wanted to watch an action movie, so I always relented and let her pick.” Luke shrugs his shoulder as if it’s no big deal. This is a huge deal.
“But I thought you hated her?” I ask, suddenly wondering if there was more to Luke’s feelings for Sidney than I originally thought.
“No, I didn’t hate her. She was a brat who followed me around all the time. Sometimes I couldn’t get away from her so I just conceded and let her hang with me. Nothing happened,” he defends with too much force, instantly making me think that something did, in fact, happen.
I stare at my brother for several minutes. His green eyes remain locked on mine, neither of us ready to concede defeat. The room remains quiet for another ten minutes. Yeah, we’re both stubborn enough to keep the mind games going for as long as it takes. I have no desire to let him off the hook. Plus, when we’re both silent, we’re not discussing the mess I made of my love life.
Finally, Luke speaks. “I promised Mom that we’d come over for dinner tomorr
ow.”
The groan erupting from my lips takes me by surprise. It’s not that I’m not happy about seeing my family for the first time in months, but I’d really like nothing more than to lick my wounds for a few more days before having to face my mom.
“You should be thanking me. If I hadn’t told her we’d be over for dinner tomorrow night, she would have been here yesterday before you even had the keys out of the ignition. I told her you needed to catch up on your sleep, but that you’d have dinner to catch up with them.”
“Thanks,” I mumble to my brother. Even if he is being an ass, he definitely was looking out for me in this respect. “Anything else on Styx?” I ask, anxious to know the creep is behind bars where he belongs.
“Nothing definitive. We’ve had two reports of possible sightings along I-15, which tells us he may be heading towards Los Angeles. One of his aliases has an LA address so we’re thinking he’s heading towards his old stomping grounds. Highway Patrol has stepped up their search for him. We’ll find him, brother,” Luke says with a firm head nod.
After a little more comfortable silence, I finally say, “Let’s order Chinese takeout and find a bloody action movie on television.” Maybe watching something blow up will get my mind off the fact that my life imploded yesterday. I long to call Carly, to hear her voice. I want to drive over there and beat on her door until she opens up and lets me in. I want to hold my little girl and reassure her that her Daddy isn’t going anywhere.
Instead, I sit here on my brother’s couch.
And so I spend my first Friday night as a regular civilian again having Chinese takeout and watching Die Hard–with my brother.
* * *
“My baby!” my mom hollers from the open front door, arms extended in the standard Mom greeting.
