by Cindi Madsen
So, as Summer sat at lunch on Monday, looking across the table at Ashlyn, her mind kept flashing to those images of her friend’s body, devoid of color and life.
Ashlyn took a sip of her Diet Coke and set it back on the table with a clink. “I had a genius idea. I know living at home when I go to college would be the cheaper way to go, since San Diego State is only a couple miles from my house, but I can’t wait to get out on my own.” She picked the tomatoes out of her sandwich and tossed them off to the side. “I was thinking that you and I should find a place and move in together. We’ll surf, even study on the rare occasion, and it’ll be a blast. What do you think?”
Summer thought about how much fun they’d have living together and about how nice it would be to meet people and go everywhere with Ash by her side. Since meeting Ashlyn, Summer didn’t feel so lost anymore. Little by little, she felt like the person she used to be. The person who laughed easily and was comfortable with who she was. The person who stood up for herself and wouldn’t keep going back to a boyfriend who didn’t treat her right. She’d missed this girl, and she didn’t want to go back to the way things had been before getting to know Ashlyn.
Most of all, she didn’t want Ashlyn to die. A giant lump formed in her throat. “It sounds like so much fun that I wish it was now.” Tears were threatening, and Summer blinked, trying to keep them from spilling. She knew she should tell Ashlyn to make her life worthwhile now. Tell her to go spend time with her mom. But she couldn’t force out the words without having a complete breakdown.
Summer stood so quickly her thighs slammed into the table and scooted it a couple inches. “I just remembered I have to go do something before my next class. I’ll see you later, okay?”
She charged out of the cafeteria and headed to the quieter part of campus. Her knees felt like they were going to give way, and her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. She reached out and steadied herself on the brick exterior of the band room. Warm tears slid down her cheeks. She crumpled to the ground, hugged her knees into her chest, and dropped her head on them. Then she went ahead and let go of all the emotions she’d been fighting back for days.
Losing Mom was bad enough. Why do I have to lose Ashlyn, too?
Grief and despair tore at her heart, making it impossible to breathe. She knew all too well what it was like to lose someone she loved. It had sent her into depression and made her numb for months. She couldn’t do it again. The hurt never quite healed, either. Not all the way.
The door near her opened, and she buried her head deeper, hoping whoever it was would ignore her.
She felt a hand on her shoulder. “What are you doing here, Sunshine?”
Not Troy. Anyone but him. She sensed him sit down next to her.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “Is it Kendall and the rest of the girls? Are they getting to you?”
Unable to answer, she shook her head. There was no answer anyway. Nothing she could explain. Well you see our friend Ashlyn is going to die and she’s a good person. And instead of making sure her death is filled with peace for her and her loved ones, I’m so selfish that I’m out here crying because I need her here with me.
That thought made her start crying all over again.
Troy draped his arm around her shoulders and she rolled toward him, crying against his shoulder. “You want me to go get Ashlyn?” he asked.
“No.” Her voice came out muffled, since her face was still buried in his shirt.
“You want to ditch the rest of school?”
Summer sniffed, struggling to get her emotions under control. “Yes, but I can’t. If I miss dance practice, the girls will kick me off for sure. And I don’t even want to think of the lecture I’d get from my dad.”
For a couple minutes they sat in silence. Summer kept her head against Troy’s shoulder as he ran his fingers up and down her back. It still felt like she had a rock in her gut, but with Troy next to her, everything seemed the tiniest bit better. The tears tapered off, and her breathing gradually returned to normal.
When Troy spoke, his voice was soft. “You want to go to a show tonight? There’s this band called Crusifictorious from Texas, and they’re supposed to be decent.”
“That sounds good. I’ll see if Ashlyn wants to come, too.” Summer lifted her head. The place was deserted, which meant she was already late for her next class. “Man, I’m a mess.” She straightened up and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“Maybe I could help if you told me what’s going on.”
“You already helped.” Summer stood, offered a hand to Troy, and pulled him to his feet. When she went to let go, he kept hold of her hand.
“Summer.” He so rarely said her name that hearing it from his lips pinned her in place, goose bumps scattering across her skin.
“Music will help,” she said when she finally found her voice again. “You always being there helps. That’s what I need the most right now.” She squeezed his hand, and this time he let her release it. “I’ll pick you up after I get done with practice.”
Troy reached into his jacket pocket and produced a pair of sunglasses. “Want these?”
Summer took them and put them on. They felt huge. “How do they look?”
The glasses slid down, and Troy pushed them back up on her nose. “You look like the Terminator.”
I feel like the Terminator. Not so much the tough part, but the killing part. The smile she gave him was weak, but it was the best she could manage right now. “I’ll see you tonight.”
* * *
The door to Ashlyn’s house swung open, revealing Pamela. “Hello, Summer. I’ll get Ashlyn.”
Summer bit her lip, shifting her feet from side to side. “Um, actually, could I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure. You need some advice on how to tone up those arms?”
Summer glanced at her arms, suddenly self-conscious of them. Then she remembered her mission. “You know, I used to judge people too harshly. The more open I am, the more I find out how many good people there are. It doesn’t matter what they look like, doesn’t matter if their interests are different than yours. You miss out if you don’t take the time to really get to know people.”
A crease formed between Pamela’s eyebrows as she looked at Summer. “Well, good for you then. For…figuring that out.”
“Ashlyn is one of the best people I’ve ever known. Her heart is gold. Your daughter is awesome.”
“I’m glad you think so.”
“I do think so.” Before her determination faltered, Summer straightened and plowed on with the rest. “But I also think she needs to hear it more. You letting her know how awesome she is would mean a lot, I know it would.”
Pamela’s nostrils flared. “I’m responsible for keeping her safe and making sure she’s got the best life possible. I always compliment her when she eats well and exercises. And I reward her when she gets good grades. I take care of my daughter.”
Pulse pounding through her head, Summer met Pamela’s gaze. “Yeah, but you’re overlooking who she is as a person. She’s funny, sweet, and fiercely protective of her friends. She needs you to see who she is.”
Anger flickered through Pamela’s eyes. “We all express ourselves differently, and I don’t need you to tell me how to talk to my daughter.” Looking over her shoulder, she raised her voice. “Ashlyn, Summer’s here!” Without another glance at Summer, Pamela walked away, leaving her standing in the empty doorway.
So much for being a natural at this job.
* * *
Troy walked across his yard and hopped in the backseat of the Civic. “What is this awful music?” he asked as they drove away.
“It’s good.” Summer turned it up, knowing how much Troy hated dance music.
“They say the same lyrics like five hundred times. The music is all computer generated—not even real music—meaning they’re not even real musicians. I still can’t believe you listen to this garbage.”
“But you can do th
is to it.” Summer danced as much as she could while driving.
Ashlyn laughed and danced along. “She’s right. It is good for dancing.”
“You’re going to wreck dancing to this,” Troy said.
“Nope. We’ve got to stop at this light.” Summer threw her car in park and made her dance moves bigger. “I’m not moving until you join in.” She twisted toward Troy. “Come on, Mister Bond. Dance.”
He rolled his eyes, then made a sorry, mini-throw-his-arms-up attempt at a dance move. “There. Are you happy?”
“Very.” Summer noticed they’d caught the attention of the car next to them. “Those guys are staring at you, Ash.”
“Still staring?” Ashlyn asked, her eyes on the road in front of her.
“Uh-huh.”
In one swift movement, Ashlyn twisted, flattening herself against the window. The guys in the car jumped. Summer laughed at their priceless wide-eyed expressions. The light turned green, and she shifted into drive and accelerated through the intersection. “You’re so awesome, Ash.”
“I know, right? There’s nothing quite like giving a bunch of frat boys a heart attack at a stoplight.”
Summer glanced at Troy in the rearview mirror. “Now, since you showed us your awesome dance moves, Mister Bond, I’ll find a happy medium. Music you can dance to that’s still genuine music.” She switched to her Paramore playlist and continued bobbing her head—as hard as it was not to go all out and do a little head banging, she’d promised both Gabriella and Dad she wouldn’t get into any more trouble with the cops.
The parking lot of Equinox was surprisingly full for a Monday night. Summer finally managed to find a parking space, and they headed inside the club. “I can’t believe how crowded it is,” Summer said as they squeezed in with the rest of the people waiting for the show.
They forced their way to the front as the band took the stage. An electric guitar rung out, one note, then another. Drums mixed in, slow at first before gradually picking up speed. A pale kid with a lot of freckles and red hair stepped up to the microphone. Everything sped up, including the lights swinging around the room.
Then there was only the music and the energy hanging in the air, seeping into her skin until it was pumping through her veins as well.
In the middle of the second song, Troy leaned in. “So, what do you think?” he shouted over the music.
“Why are they yelling at me?” Summer shouted back.
“I think that’s supposed to be singing.”
“Oh,” she said with a laugh. “That explains a lot.”
Troy put his hand on the small of Summer’s back and his warm breath hit her neck. “But look at the drummer. He’s really good.”
The drummer’s arms flung through the air in lightning fast movements, and he had this intense look of concentration on his face.
“He’s cute, too,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s why I pointed him out,” Troy said, his words dripping with sarcasm.
Summer gave him a side hug, wrapping one arm around his waist. “Thanks for getting me out tonight. Practice was hell again and I needed this. Even if the lead singer is yelling at me.”
Troy smiled down at her, and her heart jumped into her throat. The lights turned his skin colors. Red, green, blue. Glimpses of every shade of Troy, and they all looked good. The song ended, and the world seemed to stop, just her and Troy, standing in the middle of the floor.
Ashlyn grabbed Summer’s free hand. “I’m in dire need of a Diet Coke.”
Before Summer could figure out if she and Troy were having a moment, she was yanked away and being tugged through the crowd. A tall guy bumped into her, and Summer tightened her grip on Ashlyn’s hand so she wouldn’t get lost in the sea of people.
When they came out into an open area, there he was.
Cody’s eyes met hers before she could decide whether to say hi or hurry away.
“Just a second.” Summer pulled Ashlyn toward her ex-boyfriend. It seemed like a good idea to say hi, but now that she was standing in front of him, it was more awkward than anything. “Hey. What are you doing here?”
Cody stared at her for a moment, brows drawn low over his eyes. Then he gestured to the guy standing next to him. “This is my brother, Tyler. He’s in town for a few days, so we decided to catch a show.”
Summer nodded at his brother, who had the same blue eyes, blond hair, and handsome features as Cody. She knew Tyler played football for a college somewhere—Arizona? New Mexico? Somewhere cactusy. She never could remember. “Nice to meet you.” She waved an arm at Ashlyn. “Um, you know Ashlyn right?”
Cody looked at Ashlyn, his eyebrows pulling together even more. She couldn’t quite place the strange expression on his face. It was similar to the one he made when memorizing confusing football plays. “You were at Kendall’s party,” he said to Ashlyn. “And you and Summer have been hanging out a lot lately.”
“What can I say? She can’t get enough of me,” Ashlyn said. “I make sure she knows how awesome she is, too, so she won’t settle for someone who’s not good enough for her.” She gave him a tight smile. “Just in case you were wondering.” She motioned to the bar. “Let’s get our Cokes before the show starts again.”
Summer waved to Cody and followed Ashlyn to the bar.
Ashlyn finally got a hold of a bartender and ordered three Diet Cokes.
“I didn’t feel anything,” Summer said as they waited for their drinks. “Well, I mean the holy-crap-this-is-awkward feeling—he was acting a little strange. But I’m completely over Cody.”
“Right on, because I can’t step in and save you from him forever.” Ashlyn grinned at Summer, and Summer tried to smile back. Too many supposed-to-be-funny comments were just not funny knowing what she knew.
Chapter Twenty
The next morning Summer dug through her drawers and found the old clothes she used to love—the stuff she wore before it seemed so important to fit in with the in crowd. Not only was it nice to not care if the other girls would approve, but her old clothes were also comfy.
Steeling herself for another day in the trenches, she walked through the double doors of the school and headed for her locker. Kendall and several of the other girls from the dance team stood in a circle in the hall. Kendall narrowed her eyes on Summer as she approached. “Did you get dressed in the dark?”
The girls around Kendall all wore the same we’re-so-much-better-than-you expression Kendall had on.
“Uh-huh.” Summer found if she didn’t give them anything more, these conversations—more like attacks—went better. As long as she acted unfazed by their verbal jabs, they’d eventually get bored and give up.
“I can tell,” Kendall said. “You’ve really gone downhill without my influence.”
Summer grabbed her books out of her locker and turned to walk away. Cody stood there, blocking her path. Thanks to the verbal jabs being thrown at her already, her patience was wearing thin. “What do you want?”
“I figured out something last night.” Cody tilted his head as he studied her. “Why you and me didn’t work, and why you were always pushing me away. You’re into chicks. You and that Ashlyn girl are dating.”
Summer stared at him, thinking he was going to say he was only kidding. Instead, he stood there, brow furrowed, waiting for her response. “Um, no we’re not,” she said. “We were just hanging out. We’re friends.”
“You were holding hands.”
“No wonder you always stared in the girls’ locker room,” Kendall said from behind Summer. “You were checking us all out. All those times I changed in front of you.” She threw a hand to her chest. “I feel so violated.”
Summer rolled her eyes and looked back to Cody. “Did it ever occur to you that I just have high standards?”
“Hey, I don’t mind that you’re a lesbian. I’m cool with it.” Cody cocked an eyebrow. “In fact, I’d like to watch you two make-out sometime. I think you owe me that much after stringing me along for so
long.”
Summer felt an arm around her waist and turned to see it was Troy. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. She automatically gripped his shoulder as he pulled her tighter to him, his hand spread on the small of her back, and parted her mouth with his. Heat wound through her body, and the rest of the world faded away. She forgot how to breathe, or why she needed oxygen anyway.
Then he pulled back, leaving her stomach with that just-stepped-off-a-roller-coaster feeling. He grabbed her hand, lacing his fingers with hers. “Come on, Sunshine. I’ll walk you to class.” He led her away from the shocked faces lining the hall. It was a good thing he was holding her hand, because she was shocked, too. So much so, she could hardly walk.
They rounded the corner, and Troy turned to face her, their bodies so close she could feel the warmth coming off of him. “You okay?”
Words didn’t come, so Summer simply nodded.
“I hope I didn’t just unwittingly put you back in the closet. I wanted to prove you rejected him because he’s a loser. Plus, just yesterday you were talking about the drummer being cute, so I assumed…”
“You assumed right,” she said. “I think Cody just can’t believe that any girl could resist his charms. So I guess when he saw me with Ashlyn last night—”
“Last night?”
“Cody was at the Crusifictorius show with his brother. I said hi, then Ashlyn and I took off. I guess he decided that meant I was with her. Like with her, with her.” Summer shook her head. “Oh well, I don’t really care what they think anymore. I guess as far as rumors go, that one’s not that bad. I suppose it won’t land me many dates, but that’s not something I’m too concerned about right now.” She realized she was still holding Troy’s hand, and that she didn’t want to let go of it. “Thanks for getting me away from them.”
“No problem.” He glanced around. “I’ve got to jet, but I’ll see you later?”
She nodded. “Later.”
Butterflies swirled through her stomach as she watched him walk away. Nope, she definitely wasn’t into girls. All she could think about was that kiss and how much she wanted to kiss him again.
