GOLDBERG (sighs). Yes. The birthday celebration was too much for him.
PETEY. What came over him?
GOLDBERG (sharply). What came over him? Breakdown, Mr Boles. Pure and simple. Nervous breakdown.
PETEY. But what brought it on so suddenly?
GOLDBERG (rising, and moving upstage). Well, Mr Boles, it can happen in all sorts of ways. A friend of mine was telling me about it only the other day. We’d both been concerned with another case—not entirely similar, of course, but … quite alike, quite alike. (He pauses.) Anyway, he was telling me, you see, this friend of mine, that sometimes it happens gradual—day by day it grows and grows and grows … day by day. And then other times it happens all at once. Poof! Like that! The nerves break. There’s no guarantee how it’s going to happen, but with certain people … it’s a foregone conclusion.
PETEY. Really?
GOLDBERG. Yes. This friend of mine—he was telling me about it—only the other day. (He stands uneasily for a moment, then brings out a cigarette case and takes a cigarette.) Have an Abdullah.
PETEY. No, no, I don’t take them.
GOLDBERG. Once in a while I treat myself to a cigarette. An Abdullah, perhaps, or a … (He snaps his fingers.)
PETEY. What a night. (GOLDBERG lights his cigarette with a lighter.) Came in the front door and all the lights were out. Put a shilling in the slot, came in here and the party was over.
GOLDBERG (coming downstage). You put a shilling in the slot?
PETEY. Yes.
GOLDBERG. And the lights came on.
PETEY. Yes, then I came in here.
GOLDBERG (with a short laugh). I could have sworn it was a fuse.
PETEY (continuing). There was dead silence. Couldn’t hear a thing. So I went upstairs and your friend—Dermot—met me on the landing. And he told me.
GOLDBERG (sharply). Who?
PETEY. Your friend—Dermot.
GOLDBERG (heavily). Dermot. Yes. (He sits.)
PETEY. They get over it sometimes though, don’t they? I mean, they can recover from it, can’t they?
GOLDBERG. Recover? Yes, sometimes they recover, in one way or another.
PETEY. I mean, he might have recovered by now, mightn’t he?
GOLDBERG. It’s conceivable. Conceivable.
PETEY rises and picks up the teapot and cup.
PETEY. Well, if he’s no better by lunchtime I’ll go and get hold of a doctor.
GOLDBERG (briskly). It’s all taken care of, Mr Boles. Don’t worry yourself.
PETEY (dubiously). What do you mean? (Enter MCCANN with two suitcases.) All packed up?
PETEY takes the teapot and cups into the kitchen. MCCANN crosses left and puts down the suitcases. He goes up to the window and looks out.
GOLDBERG. Well? (MCCANN does not answer.) McCann. I asked you well.
MCCANN (without turning). Well what?
GOLDBERG. What’s what? (MCCANN does not answer.)
MCCANN (turning to look at GOLDBERG, grimly). I’m not going up there again.
GOLDBERG. Why not?
MCCANN. I’m not going up there again.
GOLDBERG. What’s going on now?
MCCANN (moving down). He’s quiet now. He stopped all that … talking a while ago.
PETEY appears at the kitchen hatch, unnoticed.
GOLDBERG. When will he be ready?
MCCANN (sullenly). You can go up yourself next time.
GOLDBERG. What’s the matter with you?
MCCANN (quietly). I gave him….
GOLDBERG. What?
MCCANN. I gave him his glasses.
GOLDBERG. Wasn’t he glad to get them back?
MCCANN. The frames are bust.
GOLDBERG. How did that happen?
MCCANN. He tried to fit the eyeholes into his eyes. I left him doing it.
PETEY (at the kitchen door). There’s some Sellotape somewhere. We can stick them together.
GOLDBERG and MCCANN turn to see him. Pause.
GOLDBERG. Sellotape? No, no, that’s all right, Mr Boles. It’ll keep him quiet for the time being, keep his mind off other things.
PETEY (moving downstage). What about a doctor?
GOLDBERG. It’s all taken care of.
MCCANN moves over right to the shoe-box, and takes out a brush and brushes his shoes.
PETEY (moves to the table). I think he needs one.
GOLDBERG. I agree with you. It’s all taken care of. We’ll give him a bit of time to settle down, and then I’ll take him to Monty.
PETEY. You’re going to take him to a doctor?
GOLDBERG (staring at him). Sure. Monty.
Pause. MCCANN brushes his shoes.
So Mrs Boles has gone out to get us something nice for lunch?
PETEY. That’s right.
GOLDBERG. Unfortunately we may be gone by then.
PETEY. Will you?
GOLDBERG. By then we may be gone.
Pause.
PETEY. Well, I think I’ll see how my peas are getting on, in the meantime.
GOLDBERG. The meantime?
PETEY. While we’re waiting.
GOLDBERG. Waiting for what? (PETEY walks towards the back door.) Aren’t you going back to the beach?
PETEY. No, not yet. Give me a call when he comes down, will you, Mr Goldberg?
GOLDBERG (earnestly). You’ll have a crowded beach today … on a day like this. They’ll be lying on their backs, swimming out to sea. My life. What about the deck-chairs? Are the deck-chairs ready?
PETEY. I put them all out this morning.
GOLDBERG. But what about the tickets? Who’s going to take the tickets?
PETEY. That’s all right. That’ll be all right. Mr Goldberg. Don’t you worry about that. I’ll be back.
He exits. GOLDBERG rises, goes to the window and looks after him. MCCANN crosses to the table, left, sits, picks up the paper and begins to tear it into strips.
GOLDBERG. Is everything ready?
MCCANN. Sure.
GOLDBERG walks heavily, brooding, to the table. He sits right of it noticing what MCCANN is doing.
GOLDBERG. Stop doing that!
MCCANN. What?
GOLDBERG. Why do you do that all the time? It’s childish, it’s pointless. It’s without a solitary point.
MCCANN. What’s the matter with you today?
GOLDBERG. Questions, questions. Stop asking me so many
questions. What do you think I am?
MCCANN studies him. He then folds the paper, leaving the strips inside.
MCCANN. Well?
Pause. GOLDBERG leans back in the chair, his eyes closed.
MCCANN. Well?
GOLDBERG (with fatigue). Well what?
MCCANN. Do we wait or do we go and get him?
GOLDBERG (slowly). You want to go and get him?
MCCANN. I want to get it over.
GOLDBERG. That’s understandable.
MCCANN. So do we wait or do we go and get him?
GOLDBERG (interrupting). I don’t know why, but I feel knocked out. I feel a bit … It’s uncommon for me.
MCCANN. Is that so?
GOLDBERG. It’s unusual.
MCCANN (rising swiftly and going behind GOLDBERG’S chair. Hissing). Let’s finish and go. Let’s get it over and go. Get the thing done. Let’s finish the bloody thing. Let’s get the thing done and go!
Pause.
Will I go up?
Pause.
Nat!
GOLDBERG sits humped. MCCANN slips to his side.
Simey!
GOLDBERG (opening his eyes, regarding MCCANN). What—did —you—call—me?
MCCANN. Who?
GOLDBERG (murderously). Don’t call me that! (He seizes MCCANN by the throat.) NEVER CALL ME THAT!
MCCANN (writhing). Nat, Nat, Nat, NAT! I called you Nat. I was asking you, Nat. Honest to God. Just a question, that’s all, just a question, do you see, do you follow me?
GOLDBERG (jerking him away). What question?
MCCANN. Will I go Up?
GOLDBERG (violently). Up? I thought you weren’t going to go up there again?
MCCANN. What do you mean? Why not?
GOLDBERG. You said so!
MCCANN. I never said that!
GOLDBERG. No?
MCCANN (from the floor, to the room at large). Who said that? I never said that! I’ll go up now!
He jumps up and rushes to the door, left.
GOLDBERG. Wait!
He stretches his arms to the arms of the chair.
Come here.
MCCANN approaches him very slowly.
I want your opinion. Have a look in my mouth.
He opens his mouth wide.
Take a good look.
MCCANN looks.
You know what I mean?
MCCANN peers.
You know what? I’ve never lost a tooth. Not since the day I was born. Nothing’s changed. (He gets up.) That’s why I’ve reached my position, McCann. Because I’ve always been as fit as a fiddle. All my life I’ve said the same. Play up, play up, and play the game. Honour thy father and thy mother. All along the line. Follow the line, the line, McCann, and you can’t go wrong. What do you think, I’m a self-made man? No! I sat where I was told to sit. I kept my eye on the ball. School? Don’t talk to me about school. Top in all subjects. And for why? Because I’m telling you, I’m telling you, follow my line? Follow my mental? Learn by heart. Never write down a thing. And don’t go too near the water.And you’ll find—that what I say is true.
Because I believe that the world … (Vacant.)….
Because I believe that the world … (Desperate.)….
BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD … (Lost.)….
He sits in chair.
Sit down, McCann, sit here where I can look at you.
MCCANN kneels in front of the table.
(Intensely, with growing certainty.) My father said to me, Benny, Benny, he said, come here. He was dying. I knelt down. By him day and night. Who else was there? Forgive, Benny, he said, and let live. Yes, Dad. Go home to your wife. I will, Dad. Keep an eye open for low-lives, for schnorrers and for layabouts. He didn’t mention names. I lost my life in the service of others, he said, I’m not ashamed. Do your duty and keep your observations. Always bid good morning to the neighbours. Never, never forget your family, for they are the rock, the constitution and the core! If you’re ever in any difficulties Uncle Barney will see you in the clear. I knelt down. (He kneels, facing MCCANN.) I swore on the good book. And I knew the word I had to remember—Respect! Because McCann— (Gently.) Seamus—who came before your father? His father. And who came before him? Before him? … (Vacant—triumphant.) Who came before your father’s father but your father’s father’s mother! Your great-gran-granny.
Silence. He slowly rises.
And that’s why I’ve reached my position, McCann. Because I’ve always been as fit as a fiddle. My motto. Work hard and play hard. Not a day’s illness.
GOLDBERG sits.
GOLDBERG. All the same, give me a blow. (Pause.) Blow in my mouth.
MCCANN stands, puts his hands on his knees, bends, and blows in GOLDBERG’S mouth.
One for the road.
MCCANN blows again in his mouth. GOLDBERG breathes deeply, smiles.
GOLDBERG. Right!
Enter LULU. MCCANN looks at them, and goes to the door.
MCCANN (at the door). I’ll give you five minutes. (He exits.)
GOLDBERG. Come over here.
LULU. What’s going to happen?
GOLDBERG. Come over here.
LULU. No, thank you.
GOLDBERG. What’s the matter? You got the needle to Uncle Natey?
LULU. I’m going.
GOLDBERG. Have a game of pontoon first, for old time’s sake.
LULU. I’ve had enough games.
GOLDBERG. A girl like you, at your age, at your time of health, and you don’t take to games?
LULU. You’re very smart.
GOLDBERG. Anyway, who says you don’t take to them?
LULU. Do you think I’m like all the other girls?
GOLDBERG. Are all the other girls like that, too?
LULU. I don’t know about any other girls.
GOLDBERG. Nor me. I’ve never touched another woman.
LULU (distressed). What would my father say, if he knew? And what would Eddie say?
GOLDBERG. Eddie?
LULU. He was my first love, Eddie was. And whatever happened, it was pure. With him! He didn’t come into my room at night with a briefcase!
GOLDBERG. Who opened the briefcase, me or you? Lulu, schmulu, let bygones be bygones, do me a turn. Kiss and make up.
LULU. I wouldn’t touch you.
GOLDBERG. And today I’m leaving.
LULU. You’re leaving?
GOLDBERG. Today.
LULU (with growing anger). You used me for a night. A passing fancy.
GOLDBERG. Who used who?
LULU. You made use of me by cunning when my defences were down.
GOLDBERG. Who took them down?
LULU. That’s what you did. You quenched your ugly thirst. You taught me things a girl shouldn’t know before she’s been married at least three times!
GOLDBERG. Now you’re a jump ahead! What are you complaining about?
Enter MCCANN quickly.
LULU. You didn’t appreciate me for myself. You took all those liberties only to satisfy your appetite. Oh Nat, why did you do it?
GOLDBERG. You wanted me to do it, Lulula, so I did it.
MCCANN. That’s fair enough. (Advancing.) You had a long sleep, Miss.
LULU (backing upstage left). Me?
MCCANN. Your sort, you spend too much time in bed.
LULU. What do you mean?
MCCANN. Have you got anything to confess?
LULU. What?
MCCANN (savagely). Confess!
LULU. Confess what?
MCCANN. Down on your knees and confess!
LULU. What does he mean?
GOLDBERG. Confess. What can you lose?
LULU. What, to him?
GOLDBERG. He’s only been unfrocked six months.
MCCANN. Kneel down, woman, and tell me the latest!
LULU (retreating to the back door). I’ve seen everything that’s happened. I know what’s going on. I’ve got a pretty shrewd idea.
MCCANN (advancing). I’ve seen you hanging about the Rock of Cashel, profaning the soil with your goings-on. Out of my sight!
LULU. I’m going.
She exits. MCCANN goes to the door, left, and goes out. He ushers in STANLEY, who is dressed in a dark well cut suit and white collar. He holds his broken glasses in his hand. He is clean-shaven. MCCANN follows and closes the door. GOLDBERG meets STANLEY, seats him in a chair.
GOLDBERG. How are you, Stan?
Pause.
Are you feeling any better?
Pause.
What’s the matter with your glasses?
GOLDBERG bends to look.
They’re broken. A pity.
STANLEY stares blankly at the floor.
MCCANN (at the table). He looks better, doesn’t he?
GOLDBERG. Much better.
MCCANN. A new man.
GOLDBERG. You know what we’ll do?
MCCANN. What?
GOLDBERG. We’ll buy him another pair.
They begin to woo him, gently and with relish. During the following sequence STANLEY shows no reaction. He remains, with no movement, where he sits.
MCCANN. Out of our own pockets.
GOLDBERG. It goes without saying. Between you and me, Stan, it’s about time you had a new pair of glasses.
MCCANN. You can’t see straight.
GOLDBERG. It’s true. You’ve been cockeyed for years.
MCCANN. Now you’re even more cockeyed.
GOLDBERG. He’s right. You’ve gone from bad to worse.
MCCANN. Worse than worse.
GOLDBERG. You need a long convalesc
ence.
MCCANN. A change of air.
GOLDBERG. Somewhere over the rainbow.
MCCANN. Where angels fear to tread.
GOLDBERG. Exactly.
MCCANN. You’re in a rut.
GOLDBERG. You look anaemic.
MCCANN. Rheumatic.
GOLDBERG. Myopic.
MCCANN. Epileptic.
GOLDBERG. You’re on the verge.
MCCANN. You’re a dead duck.
GOLDBERG. But we can save you.
MCCANN. From a worse fate.
GOLDBERG. True.
MCCANN. Undeniable.
GOLDBERG. From now on, we’ll be the hub of your wheel.
MCCANN. We’ll renew your season ticket.
GOLDBERG. We’ll take tuppence off your morning tea.
MCCANN. We’ll give you a discount on all inflammable goods.
GOLDBERG. We’ll watch over you.
MCCANN. Advise you.
GOLDBERG. Give you proper care and treatment.
MCCANN. Let you use the club bar.
GOLDBERG. Keep a table reserved.
MCCANN. Help you acknowledge the fast days.
GOLDBERG. Bake you cakes.
MCCANN. Help you kneel on kneeling days.
GOLDBERG. Give you a free pass.
MCCANN. Take you for constitutionals.
GOLDBERG. Give you hot tips.
MCCANN. We’ll provide the skipping rope.
GOLDBERG. The vest and pants.
MCCANN. The ointment.
GOLDBERG. The hot poultice.
MCCANN. The fingerstall.
GOLDBERG. The abdomen belt.
MCCANN. The ear plugs.
GOLDBERG. The baby powder.
MCCANN. The back scratcher.
GOLDBERG. The spare tyre.
MCCANN. The stomach pump.
GOLDBERG. The oxygen tent.
MCCANN. The prayer wheel.
GOLDBERG. The plaster of Paris.
MCCANN. The crash helmet.
GOLDBERG. The crutches.
MCCANN. A day and night service.
GOLDBERG. All on the house.
MCCANN. That’s it.
GOLDBERG. We’ll make a man of you.
MCCANN. And a woman.
GOLDBERG. You’ll be re-orientated.
MCCANN. You’ll be rich.
GOLDBERG. You’ll be adjusted.
MCCANN. You’ll be our pride and joy.
GOLDBERG. You’ll be a mensch.
MCCANN. You’ll be a success.
GOLDBERG. You’ll be integrated.
MCCANN. You’ll give orders.
GOLDBERG. You’ll make decisions.
MCCANN. You’ll be a magnate.
GOLDBERG. A statesman.
Harold Pinter Plays 1 Page 7
