He stands.
As my predecessor said, on one unforgettable occasion: ‘Order, gentlemen, for God’s sake, order!’ I remember the silence, row upon row of electrified faces, he with his golden forelock, his briar burning, upright and commanding, a soldier’s stance, looking down from the platform. The gymnasium was packed to suffocation, standing room only. The lucky ones were perched on vaulting horses, hanging without movement from the wallbars. ‘Order, gentlemen,’ he said, ‘for the love of Mike!’ As one man we looked out of the window at Mike, and gazed at the statue – covered in snow, it so happened, then as now. Mike! The predecessor of my predecessor, the predecessor of us all, the man who laid the foundation stone, the man who introduced the first patient, the man who, after the incredible hordes of patients, or would-be patients, had followed him through town and country, hills and valleys, waited under hedges, lined the bridges and sat six feet deep in the ditch, opened institution after institution up and down the country, rest homes, nursing homes, convalescent homes, sanatoria. He was sanctioned by the Ministry, revered by the populace, subsidised by the State. He had set in motion an activity for humanity, of humanity and by humanity. And the keyword was order.
He turns to GIBBS.
I, Gibbs, have tried to preserve that order. A vocation, in fact. And you choose Christmas morning to come and tell me this. I tell you quite frankly I smell disaster.
GIBBS
With respect, sir, I can’t see that the matter is of such extreme significance.
ROOTE
You can’t? Have we ever, to your knowledge, given birth to a child on these premises before?
GIBBS
Not to my knowledge, sir.
ROOTE
Therefore we have no yardstick. As a mathematician you will appreciate that we have nothing to measure this event by so that we can with ease assess its implications.
GIBBS
I am not a mathematician, sir.
ROOTE
Well, you look like one!
He pockets his glasses, sits at the desk.
Right! There’s work to be done. Find the culprit. Who is he?
GIBBS
That, sir, we have not yet been able to ascertain.
ROOTE
Why not? Have you asked the patient?
GIBBS
Yes, sir.
ROOTE
What did she say?
GIBBS
She was … noncommital, sir. She said she couldn’t be entirely sure since most of the staff have had relations with her in this last year.
ROOTE
Most of the staff?
GIBBS
According to her statement, sir.
ROOTE rubs his mouth.
ROOTE
Which one is 6459?
GIBBS
She’s a woman in her thirties –
ROOTE
That means nothing to me, get on with it, what does she look like? Perhaps I know her.
GIBBS
Oh, there’s no doubt that you know her, sir.
ROOTE
What does she look like?
Pause
GIBBS
Fattish.
ROOTE
Darkheaded?
GIBBS (sitting)
Not fairheaded, sir.
Pause
ROOTE
Small?
GIBBS
Certainly not tall.
Pause
ROOTE
Quite a sensual sort of face?
GIBBS
Quite sensual, yes, sir.
ROOTE
Yes.
Pause
Yes, she’s got a sensual son of face, hasn’t she?
GIBBS
I should say it was sensual, sir, yes.
ROOTE
Wobbles when she walks?
GIBBS
Oh, possibly a trifle, sir.
ROOTE
Yes, she wobbles. She wobbles in her left buttock.
GIBBS
Her left, sir?
ROOTE
Well, one of them. I’m sure of it.
GIBBS
Yes, she has a slight wobble, sir.
ROOTE
Yes, of course she has.
Pause
She’s got a slight wobble. Whenever she walks anywhere … she wobbles. Likes eating toffees, too … when she can get any.
GIBBS
Quite true, sir.
Pause
ROOTE
No – I don’t think I know her.
Pause
And you say a number of the staff have had relations with this woman, do you?
GIBBS
Apparently, sir.
ROOTE (standing)
Well, one of them’s slipped up, hasn’t he? One of them’s not been using his head! His know-how! Common or garden horsesense! I don’t mind the men dipping their wicks on occasion. It can’t be avoided. It’s got to go somewhere. Besides that, it’s in the interests of science. If a member of the staff decides that for the good of a female patient some degree of copulation is necessary then two birds are killed with one stone! It does no harm to either party. At least, that’s how I’ve found it in my experience. (With emphasis.) But we all know the rule! Never ride barebacked. Always take precautions. Otherwise complications set in. Never ride barebacked and always send in a report. After all, the reactions of the patient have to be tabulated, compared with others, filed, stamped and if possible verified! It stands to reason. (Grimly.) Well, I can tell you something, Gibbs, one thing is blatantly clear to me. Someone hasn’t been sending in his report!
GIBBS
Quite, sir.
ROOTE
Who?
GIBBS sits on the sofa and puts his hand to his mouth.
GIBBS
I think I know the man.
ROOTE
Who?
GIBBS (thoughtfully)
Yes, it’s suddenly come to me. How absurd I didn’t realise it before.
ROOTE
Who, for God’s sake?
GIBBS
I’d prefer to have the matter verified, sir, before I … bring him before you.
ROOTE
All right. But find him. The good name of this establishment depends on it.
ROOTE sits at the desk. GIBBS goes to the door.
GIBBS
What shall I do about the baby, sir?
ROOTE
Get rid of it.
GIBBS
The mother would have to go with it, sir.
ROOTE
Why?
GIBBS
Can’t live without the mother.
ROOTE
Why not?
GIBBS
The mother feeds it.
ROOTE
I know that! Do you think I’m an idiot? My mother fed me, didn’t she?
GIBBS
Mine fed me.
ROOTE
But mine fed me!
Pause
I remember.
Pause
Isn’t there a wet nurse in the house? If there’s a wet nurse in the house the baby can go with the wet nurse and the mother can stay here.
GIBBS
There’s no wet nurse among the staff, sir.
ROOTE
I should hope not. I’m thinking about the understaff, the kitchen staff, the cleaning staff. Find out if there’s a wet nurse among the understaff and get the thing in motion.
GIBBS
Don’t you think the mother might miss the baby, sir?
ROOTE
I won’t miss it. Will you miss it?
GIBBS
No, sir. I won’t miss it.
ROOTE
Then why should the mother miss it?
They stare at each other. There is a knack on the door.
ROOTE
Who is it?
CUTTS
Me.
ROOTE
Gibbs, find that father. Come in!
Enter
MISS CUTTS.
CUTTS (to GIBBS)
Hullo.
GIBBS
I’ll keep you in touch with developments, sir.
ROOTE
That’s very thoughtful of you.
GIBBS goes out. MISS CUTTS sits on the sofa. ROOTE rises, goes to the sofa and sits next to her.
ROOTE
I’m exhausted.
CUTTS
You know, I think that man’s frightened of me.
ROOTE
Rubbish.
CUTTS
He never speaks to me. He never says a single word to me. And not only that, he never … he never looks at me. I can only think I must frighten him in some way.
ROOTE
What do you mean, never speaks to you? He’s obliged to speak to you. You’re working together, aren’t you?
CUTTS
Oh yes, he talks shop to me. We discuss the patients, naturally. We were discussing one of the patients … only yesterday. But he never speaks to me socially.
ROOTE
Which patient?
CUTTS
Or do you think he’s taken with me? Do you think that he just finds me too attractive to look at?
ROOTE
Which patient were you discussing?
CUTTS
But I can’t say I like him. He’s so cold. Oh, I like men to be cold – but not as cold as that. Oh, no, he’s much too cold. You know, I think I’ll ask him. I think I’ll ask him whether he’s taken with me or whether I frighten him. I mean, one might as well know.
ROOTE
Do you know what I’ve just heard? One of the patients has just had a baby.
CUTTS
A baby? But how?
ROOTE
As large as life. And under my auspices. It’s nothing short of criminal.
CUTTS
But how did she manage it?
ROOTE
She had an accomplice.
CUTTS
No? Who?
ROOTE
That’s what we’ve got to find out.
CUTTS
But which patient? Who is she?
ROOTE
I don’t know her.
MISS CUTTS leans back.
CUTTS (dreamily)
I bet she feels very feminine now.
ROOTE (vacantly, staring into space)
She’s always been feminine.
CUTTS
Do you think I’m feminine enough, darling? Or do you think I should be more feminine?
ROOTE is still abstracted.
Darling. You don’t think I’m too masculine, do you? I mean, you don’t think I could go even further? Do you?
ROOTE (absently, muttering)
Yes, yes why not?
CUTTS
You do think I should be more feminine?
ROOTE
What?
CUTTS
But you always say I’m feminine enough!
ROOTE
You are feminine enough.
CUTTS
Then if I’m feminine enough why do you want me to be more feminine?
ROOTE
I don’t, I don’t.
CUTTS
But you just said you did!
ROOTE
I don’t, I don’t!
CUTTS (at a great pace)
Because it would be awful if you really thought that I was letting you down in the most important aspect of the relationship between any man and any woman –
ROOTE
You’re quite feminine enough!!
Pause
CUTTS
You really mean it?
ROOTE
Yes. (He runs his hand through his hair.) I’ve had the most wearing morning. On top of everything else one of the patients has died.
CUTTS
Died?
ROOTE
Dead.
CUTTS
Oh my poor sweet, and I’ve been nasty to you.
She kisses him.
Let me massage you. Come into the bedroom. Let me do your neck.
ROOTE
Yes. Do my neck.
They go into the bedroom.
The lights go down on the office. They go up on the sitting room.
GIBBS enters. He sits at the low table, takes out a pack of cards and begins to play patience, very deliberately.
LUSH appears at the head of the stairway and descends.
Suddenly a long sigh is heard, amplified.
LUSH stops. GIBBS, about to place a card, stops. A long keen is heard, amplified.
LUSH looks up. GIBBS, card in hand, looks up.
A laugh is heard, amplified, dying away.
Silence.
LUSH descends the steps, enters the room.
LUSH
Hullo, Charlie.
He closes the door and comes to the table. GIBBS, after a glance at him, places another card. LUSH, inspects the state of the game. GIBBS scatters the cards.
How’s tricks, Charlie? (Pause.) What you been doing with yourself? (Pause.) Mmnn? (Pause.) Having a nice Christmas?
GIBBS
What do you want?
LUSH
What do you think of the weather?
GIBBS collects the cards and puts them into a card case.
GIBBS
You want something. What is it?
LUSH
I don’t want anything, Gibbs. I’ve got something to report, that’s all.
GIBBS
What is it?
LUSH
Don’t get tense, Gibbs. After all, we’re all buddies, aren’t we? We’re all in the game together.
GIBBS
You want to report something. What is it?
LUSH
Actually I want to ask you something first.
GIBBS
What?
LUSH
How’s 6459 getting on?
Pause
GIBBS
You want to report something. What is it?
LUSH
I hear she’s given birth.
GIBBS
It’s none of your business.
LUSH
Oh, we’re all concerned, you know. We’re all concerned.
GIBBS
Listen, Lush. I’m not prepared to have any kind of conversation with you whatsoever. If you’ve got something to report report it and don’t make a fool of yourself.
LUSH
Are you the father, Gibbs?
GIBBS sits back and folds his arms.
LUSH
Or the old man. Is the old man the father?
LUSH sits.
Who’s going to carry the can? Miss Cutts? Do you think she’s the father? We’re all terribly excited, you know. Can’t think what to call it. The kid’s got to have a name, after all. What do you think yourself? I think something that’ll remind him of this establishment when he grows up, don’t you? His birth place. Of course, it depends on the father’s name, doesn’t it? I mean, the father might like the boy to be named after him. You know, if the father’s name was John then the boy would be named John too. Do you see what I mean? The same name as the father.
GIBBS
You know, Lush, I don’t know how you’ve lasted here. You’re incompetent, you’re unwholesome and you’re offensive. You’re the most totally bloody useless bugger I’ve ever come across.
LUSH
I can see you’re in one of your moods today, Gibbs, so I suppose I’d better report to you what I came to report to you.
GIBBS
What is it?
LUSH
The mother of 6457 came to see me today.
GIBBS
The mother of 6457?
LUSH
Yes, you know. The one who died. He died last Thursday. From heart failure.
GIBBS
His mother?
LUSH
Yes.
GIBBS
How did she get in?
LUSH
That’s what baffled me
. It did. It quite baffled me. How on earth did she get in? I wondered. How did she do it? Why wasn’t she stopped? Why did no-one demand her credentials? It baffled me. Then – in a flash! – the answer came. She’d been hiding all night in the shrubbery, waiting for Tubb to leave his cubby-hole and take a leak, which eventually he did, and then she just darted in, like a shot off a shovel. Simple. We really tend to overlook the simple cunning of the simple. Would you like her description?
GIBBS
No. What did she want?
LUSH
She wanted to know how her son was getting on. She said that when her son came here she was told he needed peace and expert attention and that she would be hearing from us in due course, and that in fact it was now a year since she had seen him and she wanted to know how he was getting on.
GIBBS
What did you say?
LUSH
I said – A year? You haven’t seen him for a year? But that’s ridiculous. Didn’t you come down for Mother’s Day, or Thanksgiving Day, or for the annual summer picnic for patients, staff, relatives and friends? Weren’t you invited to the Halloween Feast, the May Dance, the October Revival, the Old Boys and Girls supper and social? Dancing on the lawn, cold buffets on the flat roof, midnight croquet, barbecued boar by the lake? None of this? I never knew about it, she said. What! I said. The autumn art exhibition, the monthly concert of orchestral music in the bandroom, the half-yearly debate on a selected topic, held traditionally in the men’s changing room? The pageant? The unveiling? The Festival of One-Act Plays, judged by Miss Daisy Cutts, L.R.M.B., A.C.A., our dramatic instructor? You came down, I said, for none of these activities and ceremonies through which we from time immemorial engage and channel our patients’ energies? Oh dear, she said, I was never told. Obviously a clerical error, I said, I shall have it looked into. But, I said, it is a shame that you haven’t seen him, since he is now departed from us.
GIBBS
What!
LUSH
He was moved some time ago, I said, to a convalescent home. But I thought this was a convalescent home, said 6457’s mother. (He laughs.) Silly woman. A convalescent home? I countered, no, no, no, not at all, not at all, whatever gave you that idea? This is a rest home. Oh, said 6457’s mother. I see. Well, wasn’t he getting enough rest here that they had to send him to a convalescent home? Ah, Mrs 6457, I said, it’s not quite so simple as that. It’s not quite so simple as that. In a rest home, you see, you do not merely rest. Nor, in a convalescent home, do you merely convalesce. No, no, in both institutions, you see, you are obliged to work and play and join in daily communal activity to the greatest possible extent. Otherwise the concepts of rest and convalescence are rendered meaningless. Don’t for a moment either imagine that the terms rest and convalescence are synonymous. No, no, no, no. They represent, you see, stages. Sometimes one must rest first and then convalesce. Sometimes the reverse. Either course, of course, is only decided after the best interests of the patient have been taken into account. So, I continued, you can rest assured that if your son was moved from here to another place it was in his best interests, and only after the most extensive research into his case, the wealth and weight of all the expert opinion in this establishment, where some of the leading brains in this country are concentrated; after a world of time, care, gathering and accumulating of mass upon mass upon mass of relevant evidence, document, affidavit, tape recordings, played both backwards and forwards, deep into the depth of the night; hours of time, attention to the most minute detail, unstinting labour, unflagging effort, scrupulous attachment to the matter in hand and meticulous examination of all aspects of the question had determined the surest and most beneficial course your son’s case might take. The conclusion, after this supreme example of applied dedication, was to send your son to a convalescent home, where we are sure he will be content.
Harold Pinter Plays 1 Page 17
