by Shey Stahl
The pain was unbearable. Every second of that day was more excruciating than the last.
Right then…that day…I thought time didn’t heal all wounds. At least not these ones. That wasn’t possible.
Lily
“GOD…TAKE THIS pain away. Give him back to me.” I prayed in Axel’s parent’s bathroom.
I prayed and I prayed, and when that didn’t work, I got angry. So angry that every thought I had was dark and scary. I wanted my life to be over because as far as I was concerned it was.
It ended when I buried my child.
I knew he was gone. I told myself he was in Heaven and he wasn’t in pain. Instead, I imagined his death and how it happened, him taking his last breath. I envisioned every gory detail of him dying and what everyone must have seen. I lived it, felt that pain I thought he went through. Regardless if any of it was true, or he felt any pain at all, it didn’t stop me from telling myself he suffered and I wasn’t there to help him.
I had this unbearable guilt that I failed as a mother because I let him go to that track to be with his father.
And he died.
Did I blame Axel?
Yes, I did. Because he was supposed to be watching him.
My heart ached so badly. There was no peace within the brokenness that suffocated me
“We can’t forget about them today.”
Did she think I didn’t care? That I wanted to forget about my children?
My fear was that the moment Jack was laid to rest was the moment the fear of people forgetting him hit me. Sooner or later, everyone would move on. The idea of his memory fading terrified me.
But it wouldn’t for me.
No.
I would never let it slip away.
Axel
Blip the throttle – To tap the accelerator pedal when downshifting in order to match the revolutions of the engine to the revolutions of the transmission to keep the drive wheels rotating smoothly.
WHEN THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED, we were in Oregon and flew back to Mooresville the following day. None of the JAR Racing drivers were at the Gold Cup Race of Champions in Chico, California two days later. Dad put Tyler in his car, Cody in Rager’s and Tate stepped in and raced mine. They also raced in Antioch, California the next day.
Life in the racing world had continued, but for me, I was stuck in these moments where nothing made sense. The days following the funeral were all like that. I thought to myself it couldn’t be real. I didn’t just bury my son.
The fact that my sadness was seen by everyone was never more apparent than when Jonah started to make note of it. I knew he felt the weight of everything.
I was tucking Jonah into bed when he asked, “Daddy, you so sad. Are you mad Jack’s gone?”
“I’m sad, yes.” I didn’t want to tell him I was angry that he was taken away. He didn’t deserve that burden of thinking he could make me feel better, because I knew he was going to try to do that.
“Would you be sad if I was gone?”
“I love all of my kids. I would be sad if you were gone, too. I love Jack just as much as I love you.” I never wanted to talk about my love for Jack as past tense and I grew angry when people did. Just because he was gone didn’t mean the love faded, or deserved being referred to in the past tense.
A WEEK AFTER THE FUNERAL, my dad sat me down to talk about when I would return to racing.
The guys were preparing for the Arnold Motor Supply Shootout at Clay Country Speedway and I knew I wasn’t in any condition to get back in that car yet. It was hard to consider going back to racing or a normal life without my son, but it was my job. Naturally, Dad wondered what I would want to do.
“Do you want to take more time off?”
I’d considered it but then again, the longer I was at home, the worse it was for me.
But I was also afraid to leave Lily and the boys.
“I can put someone in your car if we need to. Don’t feel like you have to get back in.”
Dad had no choice but to put someone else in the car, since he was the team owner competing for a championship title. I may have been his son, but he always made sure that he was an owner and I was a driver in this situation. I never took offense to his straightforward demeanor. While sponsors understood the circumstances, they were paying for their car to be at those races.
The question begged to be answered was who would drive my car? I needed to take some time off. I knew that and my dad did, too.
There was a kid racing in the ASCS (American Sprint Car Series) National tour who my dad had been watching for years. Even back in his midget days, my dad kept a close eye on him. Dad had been watching him since he was twelve.
Caden Carson was from Santa Rosa California and had won the ASCS Regional championship last year. Naturally, car owners were interested in him. CST Engines threw partial sponsorship at him as well as Gomez Gears. That let Carson know JAR Racing had interest.
Now that we had to find someone to get in my car until I was ready to come back, Dad asked my thoughts on Carson.
I shrugged, trying to imagine him in that position. Some say the talent in the WoO series was remarkable and no other series could compare. There was a reason we were the best. It was because for ten months, we were inside of our cars at least three times a week. We didn’t make a lot of mistakes on the track. Most drivers saw seat time once a week. Touring divisions maybe twice a month at best. Our schedule was brutal compared to most.
That in turn gave us the edge to be the best.
I tuned into every race on DirtVision. I had to. Though I couldn’t be there, I still needed to hear what was happening.
And that was when I saw it. My little brother won his first World of Outlaws race.
He did it. Finally. In the face of tragedy, he did it.
With a roaring crowd, Casten emerged from the car, stood on the back tires and then moved to the roll bars, beating on the wing, screaming out in excitement at his first win. My little brother had won his first World of Outlaws race and I wasn’t there.
Immediately, I saw the emotion came on strong when he realized what this meant, and how raw he still was over Jack. As soon as he hopped down from the tires, he fell to his knees, his head in his hands. Luckily for him, his helmet was still on, but I knew what it was hiding.
Track personnel thought he was injured and rushed over, but I knew. He was breaking down before everyone.
Casten stood, removing his helmet and waved to the reporter. “I just need to thank my brother, Axel. This one is for you and your family. I love you. And Jack,”—he looked up, his voice breaking as tears streamed down his reddened cheeks—“I miss you, buddy.” His chin shook, the tears blinding his eyes and choking his face, “I miss you so much.”
I couldn’t take it and slammed the laptop closed and sat there staring at the fire.
Why?
Why had this happened?
IT WASN’T GOING TO BE easy, because nothing would ever be the same again, but I returned to racing. About three weeks after the accident, I returned to racing at Eldora Speedway for the Four Crown Nationals.
At some point, life went on. I don’t even know when it happened but it did. We still needed to make money. Life couldn’t just stop.
For Lily, it had. In many ways.
For her, life had simply faded away.
When I got to the track, it was easy to sense a part of me was missing. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it so I was all business, the only way I could be. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy going back to racing, but I had to get back to it. If anything, it took my mind off everything else. I wasn’t trying to forget him, but I had a job to do.
I ran into Caden when I returned and tried to thank him, but ended up shaking his hand instead. My words again, wouldn’t come.
“I know the circumstances weren’t ideal,” Caden said, “but I appreciated the opportunity to drive your car for you.”
I gave him a nod, my attention on my helmet instead of whe
re it needed to be, on this kid in front of me. “I’m glad you were able to do it.”
I wanted to thank him for keeping the car in the points and doing me such a huge favor, but I couldn’t get the words out.
What I thought about was my wife, back home, and the way she looked when I left.
Emotionless.
LATE SEPTEMBER BLURRED into October and the days came and went. One after another. A reminder that life went on no matter what.
Lily wouldn’t say it, but once I went back to racing, her fears grew worse and she seemed to slip further into her depression. For me, getting back to a normal routine helped.
For her, going back to a normal routine meant she had moved on and she didn’t want that.
Months passed, actual months where Lily and I hadn’t been together physically. By the time November rolled around, I began to wonder what that meant.
Was she just so sad that she couldn’t even be with me anymore in that way?
Late one night after the second night of the World Finals in Charlotte, Lily came to bed wearing nothing.
My wife was completely naked in front of me for the first time since September.
Naturally, seeing my naked wife walk around our room and getting into bed with me, I was thinking maybe this dry spell was over. Maybe we could finally connect with one another in this way if we couldn’t emotionally.
She’d definitely lost some weight from not eating, her hip bones a little more prominent and ribs revealed as she reached up and tied her hair in a bun.
She didn’t say anything to me as she moved closer, her hands pushing the blankets aside, and neither did I. I was too afraid if I did speak, she’d turn away, shut down like she usually did when I tried to talk to her.
When she was in bed, she wriggled in closer; the heat of her body felt like a fire against my skin. My heart thudded louder, ringing in my ears. I turned to face her, rolling on my side and she did the same. She wouldn’t look at me. Instead, she kept her eyes down on her hands as they shifted to my boxers. I jumped at the contact, a jolt right to the one place that she hadn’t touched in months.
Immediately, I was hard. Lily let out a soft sigh, her left hand traveling inside my boxers and palming my erection. It was exactly the contact I had been missing, craving, needing. Groaning, I nearly grabbed her and flipped her over to relieve this tension that had been building.
I eased my hand from my side and tentatively touched her hip, my fingers instinctively gripping her tighter. I wanted to roll on top of her and have my way with her, but I knew had I moved too fast, or she hadn’t initiated the contact, this could potentially end. I wasn’t ready for that.
With my hand on her, her eyes fluttered closed, her cheeks warmed to a soft pink. Since she hadn’t pushed me away, and her hand was still inside my boxers drifting up and down, I pulled her flush against my chest. My lips pressed to her forehead as her hand wandered from inside my boxes, gliding over my shoulders and around my neck. I used it as an indication she wanted to go further.
With a good amount of hesitation on my part, my mouth traveled over skin I hadn’t felt in so long, a moan surfaced from out of nowhere, let go against that very skin I wanted to worship. It vibrated through me, rocking my hips forward at the release. Lily seemed to be wanting that and hitched her left leg up around my hip. With my head buried in her neck, my tongue darted out to taste her. It wasn’t enough. I needed her mouth on mine. I needed to kiss her, give her the passion burning inside of me right then, passion that was dying to be let out.
Her serenity seemed shattered by the hunger behind my touch. Though each kiss was slow, I knew once I tasted her lips, it could be different.
I waited, desperate for her stare, drawing back to look in her eyes, only she wouldn’t look at me. Refusal rocked me; her eyes remained closed. Lowering my lips to hers, the kiss was slow, thoughtful, waiting for her reaction. With a sigh, her tongue traced the fullness of my lips and I knew then she wanted it. Her tongue sent shivers of desire through my body, giving me an ache that had to be fulfilled.
Rolling on top of her, I pressed my erection to her center, grinding into her, letting her feel exactly what she was doing to me. In turn, her mouth covered mine hungrily, with a gentleness that surprised me.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t so gentle because everything she was doing was setting my body on fire, raging with a demand to take this further, whether she wanted it or not. We’d been here once before. Three weeks ago, she broke down in tears. I wasn’t sure I could stop this time. I needed her so badly my body was shaking and I was ready to explode just be the grinding of our hips.
Drawing back, I slid my boxers down my hips, kicking them away and settling back between her thighs before she had a chance to push me away.
She surprised me when her hands sought out my shoulder, pulling me back down by the nape of my neck. Her eyes opened then, fluttering, and I caught sight of what she had been hiding.
She wanted me just as desperately.
Resting my elbows on either side of her head, I didn’t even wait to see if she wanted me to put on a condom. I paused to kiss her, and then gently eased into her. Lily moaned, curving into me as I moved above her, her bare breasts pressing into my chest. I knew instantly this wasn’t going to last. Just two strokes and I was ready, feeling my legs start to tremble as I tried to fight off the release I knew was coming.
Lily seemed to have been denying herself the very same pleasure for too long, when, after a few minutes, our bodies were moving in rhythm together, and she was melting around me. She gasped in sweet agony as her body tensed.
Wanting to see her fall apart around me, I moved at an angle where I knew she could get what she needed, and I rose up on my arms to see her curves moving with mine.
While this may have been only fueling a moment of pure physical desire, I held out hope it would bring back what we needed. Only I could tell it was tearing her apart.
I saw it in the way her body was shaking, maybe from the pleasure, maybe not. As the waves of ecstasy throbbed through her, hands gripping my hair so tightly it should have been painful, I gave Lily an orgasm for the first time since our worlds were shattered. As I watched her fall apart, her nipples went taut, rousing the need in me to just let go. But I didn’t, maybe to torture myself a little, but I held out.
Lily’s arms dropped from my shoulders and covered her face as a sob broke through her. I didn’t stop my movements, even when she pushed against my chest, I was going to finish this time. I did. In the very next movement, my head dropped forward as the orgasm racked through my body in wrenching waves, jerking forward. Though it was pleasure like I hadn’t felt in a long time, it was destroyed by the fact that my wife was sobbing beneath me.
When I moved, drawing back again, her palms were against my chest, shoving me away completely.
Still sobbing, she rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door closed as I fell back against the mattress.
My hands went to my face, running my palms down it once, and then fisting my hair. I laid there, staring at the ceiling in our bedroom, the same ceiling I stared at most nights wondering why this happened. Why?
Would it ever be the same?
Had we lost it completely?
Lily
Blind Turn - A turn in which the driver cannot see the apex or track-out until it is reached. Sometimes due to elevation changes, but can also be attributed to visual obstructions such as Armco, tire walls, or other barriers.
I COULDN’T HAVE SEX with my husband.
I couldn’t because every single time I felt the warm sensation of his skin against mine, his smile, and his breath on my body I was reminded of the connection we had.
The connection that felt gone.
I could sit here in this bathroom where I sit in every night, crying, and tell myself I didn’t need Axel, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I did need him. I just couldn’t make myself forgive him for what his indiscretion had taken from me. My son
.
I hated he was trying to move on.
It was subtle at first, but when he went back to racing, the smiles returned and he started acting normal again while I was here…dying inside with no one to save me from drowning in the fear that everyone was moving on but me.
Damn it, I didn’t want to move on.
I didn’t want to forget my child.
What kept running through my head, months after the accident was that I had all these warning signs and I’d ignored them, and had trusted in my husband and our life together.
I’d trusted everything would work out and it didn’t. I’d turned blindly around a corner that day I’d ignored my instincts so, yeah, I was angry. With myself, with Axel, with everyone.
Axel
Late Apex - Turning into a corner late and missing the optimum apex point.
THE RACING SEASON ended without a lot of excitement. Rager won the championship and I finished a whopping seventeenth in the standings. Worst finish I had in the eight years I had been racing in the series.
Christmas was fast approaching and with it brought the emotions that this would be our first Christmas without Jack.
There comes a point when you want the memories gone. You don’t want to feel, let alone remember. Fuck all of it. But at some point, those memories began to fade and I felt sad. It hurt.
I hurt.
I wanted to remember all of it, yet every day he was fading a little more and all I was left with was his memory.
Why?
Why do people experience pain like this?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why does it feel so goddamn bad that if feels like it won’t ever go away?
But then it started to get a little easier. I smiled a few times, laughed a handful of times and it was a reminder it did get easier. Usually the smiles came because of Jonah, or Jacen.
