by Shey Stahl
Jerking my arm away, I reacted, pulled back and punched him. Maybe then he’d get out of my fucking face.
It stunned us both, and the few guys standing around inside the shop, when I did that.
I’d just punched my little brother in the face. And he did nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He regarded me for a moment, ran the back of his hand over his bleeding lip, spit blood to the side and then walked away.
“What the fuck was that for?” Dad asked when he came running around the corner, getting in my face next.
I just continued to walk the other way.
“We’re not done here!” Dad screamed after me. “Get back over here and talk to me.”
I shrugged, walking out of the shop. “Feels like we’re done.”
It felt like I was done in a lot of ways. Done pretending this hadn’t destroyed me. I felt it happening already.
“IF YOU LOVE OUR BOYS—”
I turned to face Lily, who laid into me as soon as I walked through the door. I was supposed to tell my dad I wouldn’t be racing anymore. Instead, I hit my brother in the face. “Don’t you ever say that I don’t love our boys!”
What I said twisted and turned inside her before she spoke. “That’s not at all what I’m saying. I’m saying that if you love us, them, you’ll think twice about getting inside that car and what could happen.”
Did she really believe I wasn’t thinking twice about it? Racing has been all I’ve known for over twenty years. It was what tied every memory I had of her, of my family, of Jack together. To give that up seemed like I was giving up my soul. So yeah, I was hesitating.
Life had the power to change in a heartbeat, a split fraction of a second. A moment when everything was taken and we were left with a memory of what it was like.
That was what I had.
Only a memory.
Marriage was hard. In no way did I ever expect it to be easy.
My parents had a marriage worthy of the hall of fame.
Me? I wasn’t sure I could ever have that, but I wanted it with Lily.
Unfortunately, losing a child changed everything. The dynamic of our family was altered forever. Nothing was the same. Not only was there someone missing, but I was stuck wondering why it changed in the first place. Why our family?
“You don’t want to quit, do you?” Lily finally asked, her eyes focused on her hands.
Pacing the living room, I watched the boys playing in the backyard, both pushing around dump trucks in the dirt.
Turning to face her, I gave her my honest thought on the matter. “No. I don’t want to walk away from racing.” I hesitated, taking in her reaction to my words, and then added, “But I will for you.” Taking the few steps to her, I wrapped my arms around my wife. “I’m just…I don’t know. I want you to be happy and all, but it’s hard for me to walk away from it. I love racing. I will if that’s what you want.”
“No one understands me.” Confused, her hands pushed me back, but not enough that she was pulling away completely. Her eyes scanned mine, watchful, as she spoke. “You don’t understand. You didn’t nurse him and spend every waking minute wondering if he was going to be okay and be the boy you hoped he would be. It’s different for the mother.”
I let go of her, and honestly, I was hurt by what she said. I watched her walk away and out the door to where the boys were playing.
How is it different for the mother?
Just because I didn’t nurse him in the early morning hours didn’t mean I didn’t have a bond with him. Just because I wasn’t there, holding his hand that first day of kindergarten, or kissed his tears away while he was getting his shots didn’t mean I didn’t feel the loss.
All of those moments were a reminder that every day from here on out would be different.
I was his protector. The strong arms that should have never let him fall.
Now how did that look?
To say I didn’t understand how she felt was a fucking knife stabbing an already ripped-out heart.
Axel
Rock Screen – A screen that acts as a windshield on a sprint car to protect rocks or other debris when on the track.
I HAD WASTED ENOUGH time not telling my dad I wasn’t going to race. Now, it was just a month shy of the first race of the season. Sponsorship had already been secured for me and I still hadn’t said a damn word. Deep down, I thought maybe as the season neared, Lily would reconsider and let me race.
Only she didn’t.
The day I finally went to tell him, Dad was out back on the patio drinking a beer and watching ESPN’s interview with Easton in victory lane.
He looked over at me when he noticed me standing there, straightened and handed me a beer. “Hey bud, how’s it going?”
I gave a nod at the television. “E’s doin’ good, huh?”
“Yep. Looks like he’s gonna win that championship.”
It was so hard, trying to tell him my plans. For so long, it was all I’d ever wanted. Racing. That was all I’d ever told him I wanted and he’d made it happen for me.
At first, I wasn’t sure how to tell him because I knew he’d see through it and know that the reason I was quitting was for her.
I was nervous because I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me. Would he think I was giving up?
It took me a good hour of sitting with him, drinking beer after beer, before I finally told him.
“I won’t be racing next year.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time. A really long time.
“You’re quitting for her?”
“She’s my wife. If mom asked you to quit, would you?”
“You’re right. I would,” he said, nodding, but he gave me this look I didn’t understand completely. “She would never ask me to.”
“So because Lily’s scared she’s not a good wife?”
Dad’s face twisted in disgust. “I didn’t say that. I just think if you’re going to give up something you love, something you’ve always wanted, it should be your decision and not something someone else has asked you to do, for them.”
“She lost a son. I don’t think it’s such a harsh request.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, agreeing but not agreeing. “But you lost a son, too.”
He was trying to sympathize with me. I understood this, but I didn’t want it right then.
I didn’t want anyone trying to sympathize with me. Fuck them. My memory wasn’t fading. If anything, his memory was there, reminding me that he was gone and that I couldn’t do anything to save him.
He had a point though. Something I’d forgotten.
I lost a son. It wasn’t just Lily who lost a son. He was both of ours.
When a child dies, everyone thinks, that poor mother.
What about the father?
Even I was overlooking this.
What I didn’t want was people looking at me and feeling sad. I didn’t want them to feel bad for me.
“If you quit because you wanted to, that’s fine. But if you did it because she made you, you’ll always resent her.”
In some ways, he was absolutely right. I did resent her for it.
And then I felt guilty for resenting her. She had every right to feel the way she felt.
Dad sighed and looked at me. “All I’m going to say is this, you won’t ever get away from it. Your soul is buried in it. Your heart is in it. It’s all you’ve ever known from early rising to the late nights. It’s a dusty pit that became your home. As soon as you feel that rumble vibrating your bones, your need for it will shake. That adrenaline, that speed—that desire—it’s all you and always will be. You give that up,” he raised an eyebrow, shaking his head, saddened by the thought, “and you’ve given up your soul.”
Dad was right in many ways but I had made a promise to Lily that I would.
With my hands buried deep in my pockets, I said what he was waiting for me to say. “I’m not racing anymore.”
He gave a nod and that was all he sa
id on the matter. He was never the type of father who was going to tell me I was wrong, or that Lily was for asking me. He was the type who would be supportive of my decision.
When I returned home, Lily was in bed already, watching a television show I knew she wasn’t paying any mind to; it was merely a distraction.
Sneaking down the hall, the boys were in bed already, together, as usual, and both sound asleep. I moved them slightly so Jonah could breathe. Jacen had a tendency to want to lay on top of him when he slept.
After kissing them, I walked back down the hall to our room. Lily watched me take my shirt off and then turned the other way, facing the wall. I wanted to sleep naked and beg her to have sex, anything, but I knew she wouldn’t.
Instead, I stared at the ceiling. “I quit.”
Lily said nothing, no response at all to the news that I had basically given up every dream I’ve ever had at being a champion, for her.
I KNEW IT WAS GOING to be tough, but being at home during the off-season was the toughest. It made me think of Jack more than ever and in turn, made it hard to go anywhere or do anything. All around our house was the reminder that we had three kids. Had.
I looked outside and I saw him playing in the water or digging in the dirt where the water met the muddy shore. I looked in the garage and I saw him playing with cars or sitting in his quarter midget. I couldn’t escape it so I knew Lily was feeling that same way.
There was a missing seat at the dinner table.
I missed the laughter. I missed the little boy who would do anything to make his little brothers laugh, and the way he always held their hands, guiding them around.
I missed the little boy who looked up to his uncle and thought I was his hero. The one who’d lay in the backyard and star gaze at night and asked a million questions about nothing.
I thought about that weekend in Sarver with him, and how we stayed up late working on the car and our drive up there with him talking non-stop. What I wouldn’t give for his million questions.
Last year, I bought a 1956 Ford F-100 and started restoring it with my dad’s help. It seemed to be a project we were both into. I remember when I bought the truck, Jack was excited to help work on it. I decided, what better way to remember him than to finish this.
I wanted Jonah and Jacen to feel like they were a part of this too, so I picked out a brand new set of wrenches for them. Just like my dad gave me when I was their age.
“What we doing today?” Jonah looked down at the overalls I handed him that morning.
“We’re gonna work in the shop today. On my truck.”
He smiled.
I raised an eyebrow helping him out of his Spiderman pajamas and into the overalls. “Wanna help?”
“Yes!” You couldn’t miss the excitement.
When I had the boys in the kitchen, I handed Jonah the set of wrenches. “You’re gonna need these today.”
He looked at the red and black package and then grinned. “I have benches?”
“Those are your wrenches.” I peeled the plastic packaging away to reveal the shiny silver metal wrenches. “They’re so you can help us work today.”
You would have thought it was Christmas morning again.
LATER THAT MORNING, Dad knocked lightly on the door just as we were finishing up breakfast.
As soon as he had one foot in the door, Jonah was running from the kitchen, sticky faced and barefoot, toward him. They crashed together with smiles.
“Papa!” Jonah squealed.
Dad dropped to his knees wrapping his arms around my son.
Leaning against the wall, I sipped my coffee watching Dad close his eyes, holding that memory of him.
Jonah, full of energy, let go quickly. “We building a truck!”
Dad smiled, patting his head. “We are. I bet you could do it all by yourself if you needed, huh?”
Jonah pulled the wrench I gave him from the back pocket of his overalls. “I get to use this.”
With the exaggerated way he pulled it out, he just missed my dad’s nose. Dad picked him up and carried him through the entryway, over to where I was standing with Jace. “I gave your daddy a set of wrenches like this when he was little.”
Jonah didn’t understand the significance behind that, but he would someday.
Bright sky blue eyes brightened a little more as he stared at the wrench in his hand. He said nothing, but the way he examined the wrench was entertaining.
“Ready?”
Dad nodded then helped me get shoes on the boys before we headed into the shop out back.
We worked on the truck for most of the day, got the new engine in and were cleaning up the garage when dad laughed. “Don’t ever let your brother drive this. He’d probably set it on fire.”
“I won’t,” I mumbled, focusing on the tools.
The fact of the matter was, my brother and I hadn’t spoken much since I punched him. I hadn’t even talked to Arie in two weeks. She and Easton had gone to Jacksonville as they usually did during the off season.
“When it all falls apart, your family is what matters. They’re the ones who put it all back together.” My dad stared at me, waiting, and then I remembered who said that. Grandpa Jimi. The night he died.
After Dad left the house, I went by the shop to get my helmet and racing suit I had left there. It felt wrong to leave it there when I wouldn’t be racing this year. I left Jonah and Jacen snuggled with Lily in our bed watching movies and for once, I thought she actually looked happy. There was color returning to her face, a brightness I hadn’t seen in her eyes as she interacted with the boys.
It gave me hope.
Maybe this could work.
When I arrived at the shop, it was quiet. The lights were off except for the lights in the parts room. I knew who was in there, Olivia. Walking around the shop, I grabbed my helmet and racing suit from the office and a handful of rack cards for the boys. They loved to give them out to people at the grocery stores.
Coming down the hall, I noticed Olivia was sitting on a crate in the middle of the parts room with a stack of folders in her lap.
Trying to be nice, I peeked my head in there. “Hey, I’m headin’ out. Lock up when you leave.”
Olivia and I had a history of flirting. As a married man, I wasn’t interested in her like that, but I wasn’t blind. She was attractive. Usually, Olivia would say something flirtatious to me and I would wink. My brother did the same thing. Even Rager did. It never meant anything. I had no intentions with her. None.
Olivia’s eyes shot to mine, her hand on her chest when she noticed me. “Shit…you scared me.”
I laughed, leaning my head against the doorframe. “Sorry.”
That was when my eyes went to her chest. Her breasts were pushed together spilling out of the top of her tank top. Averting my eyes quickly, I caught her stare. She caught me looking.
There was a pause, a moment when I knew what she was going to say. “I never got to tell you how sorry I am about Jack.”
Why did people keep saying that?
Giving a nod, I turned and walked out the door. It felt like I was trapped inside my car with no rock screen, no way of keeping them from smacking me in the face. Just when I thought I had a clear open line, I would hit a rut and they would fly up, reminding me this pain wasn’t going anywhere. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the rocks from getting past that screen.
Lily
Competition Caution – A planned yellow flag is mandated by the sanctioning body, when drivers bring their vehicles into the pits. It’s frequently done to change tires because of excessive wear.
MY HEART ACHED FOR normalcy. I ached for it because there was no silence like losing a child. I tried to tell people what it was like, even started going to therapy again after my talk with the boys in bed. But even speaking to a therapist didn’t describe the pain in my heart. It paled in comparison to what was really going on with me.
Everything had changed and I hurt. For myself, for my fa
mily, my boys, and I missed Jack. Every thought I had was centered on him and what had happened. I was angry and never in my life did I think I could hurt this badly. I would give anything to change the past, but I couldn’t. I wished I could.
I wanted to remember his every smile, every joke he told, just…everything about him.
Instead, I focused on what was lost. Selfish in some ways, yes, but it was justifiable for me. Nothing else mattered. I couldn’t protect him and he was gone.
I was gone mentally. Inside I’d given up. There were times I literally wanted to scream at people and tell them to leave me alone.
But they wouldn’t.
Months had passed and my life had changed forever. Every morning I woke up and wondered if it was a dream. I would convince myself it was until it I heard two sets of little boys’ pounding feet down the hall instead of three.
That was when I knew, every morning, there was a missing piece of my heart and it would forever be with Jack.
What hurt was everything I had planned for our family was no longer going to happen. I even had a hard time thinking of Jonah and Jacen getting older, because what if I lost them, too?
Then what?
Could I even plan a future for my children?
Losing a child was like being caught in an ocean’s current, stuck right in the middle of the sea and you could see a lighthouse in the distance. You were swimming, treading water, knowing you needed to get to the lighthouse. If you could just get to it, feel that rocky shore and take refuge upon it, you could handle what was being thrown your way. So you took each day and each breath like the next, and then something happened and you heard something, a reminder of what you lost. It could be as simple as someone asking you a question, whatever it may be then you went under, caught in the current and struggling to breathe.
When you finally did surface, you were left wondering where you were. How far away were you? You finally could see the lighthouse again and determine you were another hundred feet away.
