by Shey Stahl
How could he?
I wanted to kill him.
The hauler quickly filled with people when I had Shane backed into a corner.
I took the shock in my hand and my dad’s eyes went wide. “What the hell are you going to do with that?”
I couldn’t say I would have actually hit Shane with it, but I wanted to.
Casten put his hands on my chest, stepping between Shane and me. “Think, man, don’t do this.”
“Stay out of this.” I shoved him backwards with one hand and took another step Shane’s way. Now I was only feet from him. If I lunged for him, I could easily get a hold of him.
Casten didn’t do anything to stop me after that, only held up his palms to me, backing away. He knew I’d been pushed too far.
I went for Shane. I didn’t say anything at all and he knew what I was about to do.
I fisted my hands in his shirt, “You gonna say anything?”
Nothing. He said nothing.
Maybe I wasn’t worthy of an explanation at this point, or, I didn’t hear what he’d said.
“I’m sorry!”
That was the last thing I wanted to hear right then. My dad wasn’t having it and escorted me out of the hauler, shoving me forward, his voice cold and lashing. “Go back to the hotel!”
Not only were there a handful of people around, reporters were now closing in, all looking for the story. Had they known this one, they would surely have had a good time with it.
I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to demand that my best friend tell me why my friendship meant so little to him. Why he would do this to me when he knew I was struggling just to make it through one hour, let alone a day.
Dad could tell I was so far gone that, had I gotten to Shane—gotten my hands on him right then—I could have killed him with the rage pulsing through me.
Dad stared at me, conflict in his eyes. He wanted to let me back in that hauler with Shane.
My hands shook as I licked my bottom lip, managing to quell my anger slightly. I gave Shane one last look, leaning over my dad, I pointed at him. “This isn’t over, asshole.”
So I did. I wanted some goddamn answers and I knew that was where Lily had to have gone. The hotel.
It was a good fucking thing they let me leave alone because I needed to be alone right then. If I wasn’t, I would have beat the shit out of anyone who tried to calm me down.
Fuck racing. It took everything and gives nothing.
Fuck my wife. She stole my way to breathe. Ripped my lungs right from my chest.
Fuck everything and everyone.
But, in reality, all I was left with was sadness. Something I wanted to beg on my knees that I didn’t see. The night was darkest just before the dawn. Metaphorically speaking.
Yeah, well, dawn was a long way away.
There was no getting over it.
There was no happy fucking ending.
There was only bullshit.
I WAS BEYOND DRUNK by the time I returned to the hotel. Think half bottle of straight whiskey drunk. I was so bad I had to take a cab back because one, Lily took the car and two, couldn’t drive even if I wanted to.
“Why?” I asked, slamming the door behind me, stumbling around. She was at the hotel, standing there throwing clothes into her bag and crying. Fucking crying. Like she deserved to cry over this. “How could you have done that?” I watched her face as I spoke. “I’ve been here. Right here. I quit, for you, and this is how you replay me?”
“It didn’t mean anything, Axel.”
That’s her answer? That’s her fucking answer? I had half a mind to go fuck the next girl I saw and then tell her, “It didn’t mean anything.”
Certainly she would settle for those words.
I smirked bitterly. “Yeah, sure it didn’t, Lily.”
I moved away, creating distance we needed. Lily blew out the air she’d been holding in, waiting for my reaction.
“I didn’t know what to do.”
I would never hit Lily. Ever. But goddamn if I wasn’t pissed at her. I couldn’t even look at her. Wouldn’t. And she wouldn’t look at me either. She had ripped out my heart and was holding it, squeezing every last ounce of blood from it.
“I knew you weren’t happy, but to…” I couldn’t say it.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I want you to tell me it’s all bullshit, Lily. I’m hanging by a fucking thread here hoping maybe one thing won’t get fucked up, you know?”
The words carried no weight to her. None.
I was so angry right then that I couldn’t keep from shaking, my body trembling in uncontrollable jolts. My blood boiled in my veins, adrenaline replaced with hatred. My glowering stare swept to hers. For a split second, I almost collapsed at her feet, gave in, and just let go of everything I had been holding on to. I thought of myself as an engine’s cycle right then. I had been through the suck process, the intake of air through the carburetor. I endured the squeeze, the compression of the fuel and air mixture combining. Now I was at the bang, where the fuel combusted and burned, the pressure increasing by the second.
I was burning, holding in the combustion, refusing to believe there would be a final step of explosion of the gasses.
Lily faced me, her expression grim as she twisted around to reach for her bag on the bed. When she took a step toward the door, I put on hand on it slamming it shut. My stomach burned so badly I could barely keep from vomiting. “You’re not going anywhere.”
She sighed heavily, the breath whooshing from her lungs, seeming like the harsh reality might have set in a little. “I’m leaving.”
“So that’s it, you’re leaving.” My chest rose and fell violently. “You don’t care what this has done to me?”
I wasn’t having that though. No fucking way was she going to run away from this. I let Shane go for now but not my wife. She was going to give me some goddamn answers as to why I meant so little to her that she could do this.
There was no relief driver in this. She was going to finish what she started back at the track.
Lily
Excluded – A driver that is excluded from the race due to infractions.
“DO YOU THINK I HAVEN’T wanted to fuck other women?” He sighed heavily, his voice filled with anger that stabbed at me, forced me to feel his breaths, his words, his demands. “Is that it?”
I said nothing. I knew this was Axel trying to act on revenge. He wanted to hurt me like I’d hurt him. I couldn’t blame him for going there either. He had every right to feel this way, but it didn’t stop my anger either. I wanted to blame Axel for everything. I wanted someone to blame, damn it. I needed someone to blame.
He smiled, broad shoulders heaving as he breathed in when I didn’t answer. “Well, I have wanted to.”
I swallowed over the sob that rose in my throat and looked up at him. “Yeah, who?”
He knew how to hurt me right then. He wanted his words to be as painful as possible, so I could feel even just one ounce of the pain I caused him. “Olivia.” He spoke with hatred, revenge, not meeting my eyes. “I wanted to fuck her just to not feel the pain for a minute.”
His words sent a bitter cold despair through me, dwelt in the caves of everything I hated about these last four months. The raw and primitive grief, which I held inside, pretending it wasn’t killing me every minute of the day, overwhelming me and I reacted. “I hate you, Axel. I do. You let him die.” We stared at each other, the words sinking in. His eyes told me I needed to shut my mouth. “I hate that you let him in the pits.”
Axel blew up, throwing his arms up in the air. Shock and anger lit his stare as he turned to face me. “You don’t get to blame this goddamn shit on me!” His head shook violently, sputtering out words he’d kept trapped inside him, withholding for the moment I finally gave in to what I really felt. “No way. He’s been in the pits a thousand times before that!”
“Doesn’t matter.” I shot him a cold look. “I hate that he’s gone. I hate. An
d I don’t want to hate anymore.”
“But you hate me?” His chiding tone only made me angry.
I stared at my trembling hands, unable to meet the hatred he had for me right then. The look in his eyes said it all. He hated me, too. But he wasn’t going to say it.
“I’m so fucking sick of this bullshit, Lily.” He heaved in a breath, trying to breathe but dying instead. “We lost our son. He died. He did. But let’s be honest with ourselves for once, look at the two of us. We haven’t had sex but once since he died and you cried the entire time. I avoid everyone, couldn’t finish a race to save my ass last season and then there’s you, a woman who sleeps all day, barely sees the two kids in front of her begging for your attention and let’s not forget, sleeps with her husband’s best friend.”
His unblinking stare met mine. He was going for what he knew would set me off, make me as angry as he was, make me feel the pangs of rage that were controlling his every thought.
I felt it all right. I felt it the moment those words slipped past his lips and poisoned my veins.
“Fuck you, Axel.”
He came closer, looking down at me intensely. “Exactly my point, sweetheart.”
Maybe he was trying to be an asshole and it worked. I raised my hand as if I was going to slap him, but then I stopped.
“You hit me,” he warned, smiling, “be ready for what comes after that.”
He wasn’t going to hit me, he never would, but he also wasn’t going to let me hit him again. I went to turn, wanting to walk out when I was abruptly caught by the elbow and turned to face him.
“You’re not leaving until you give me some goddamn answers!”
I ripped my arm out of his, flinging it backwards. “Calm down, Axel!”
“Calm down? Oh I’m calm, baby. I’m really fucking calm!” Twisting to the side, his arm raised, his fist connecting with the wall beside me. And then his scowl returned. “That’s calm, right?”
It caught me off guard and I jumped back because never once had Axel ever been this angry with me.
I did this. I was responsible for this side I was seeing.
When he looked at me, there were tears in his eyes, but they weren’t falling. He wouldn’t let them. Not over this.
“Tell me why.” His body shook as he spoke, his tone rough, hoarse, like it hurt to speak. “I deserve that much at least.”
I didn’t answer.
“Tell me the truth. Don’t lie to me. Was that the first time?”
“Yes.”
His breath came out raggedly, tired eyes glossy and pained. “Then why?”
Give him some truth. He deserves that much.
“Because you never touch me like that anymore.”
He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back against the wall between the bathroom and the dresser. Pinning me there, his furious eyes washed over me, crushing my heart with just his gaze upon me. “You want me to fuck you? Is that what you want?”
Nodding, I began to cry, not knowing what was about to happen. I wanted that right then and I had no idea how to explain it, or why I wanted it. Wasting no time, he took a firm grip on my waist, undid my jeans and pushed them down along with my panties. I stepped out of them, the long, deep look we exchanged burned in my eyes, like I was looking into angry thunderclouds as they moved in over the city. His hands worked fast, pulling his own jeans down around his ankles.
Was this really happening? I should stop him, right?
He reached an unsteady hand between us and positioned himself at my entrance. He wasn’t speaking. Neither of us were. Slamming into me, he started tearing away our clothes leaving the both of us bare-chested. He was so rough, so angry, pissed at the world and I couldn’t blame him for that.
We fell to the floor but Axel didn’t let up. Instead, he was rougher than before, restraining me against the floor with his left hand trapping my wrists and his right on my hips showing no signs of relenting.
Thrust after thrust. Heavy breathing, cursing, and him crying.
No…he was sobbing.
That I saw, Axel didn’t cry when Jack died.
No tears.
It was like the sorrow was too much for him, his body wouldn’t let go and release.
And now he was sobbing, his tears falling onto my face as he fucked me on the floor of our hotel room.
For the first time in his life, in our lives, Axel Riley was fucking me in anger. There was absolutely no gentleness in any movement he had. Hatred, yeah, and sadness.
There were no words either. His face was scrunched, his brow set in determination.
He was everything I was in that moment and had been for months. Finally, we were feeling the same emotions.
I’m nothing.
We’re nothing.
It’s over.
When he was finished, there was no reaction of his orgasm aside from his eyes squinting shut and the way he slammed into me one last time.
His eyes opened, he stared at me and I felt like in that instant—in that moment—the love he felt for me all our lives was gone. I saw it disappear in the blink of an eye, like a gust of wind, leaving me with the unsettling reality that in one night, our marriage had been destroyed.
He let go of me harshly, with a strangled gasp, as if being with me right then caused him physical pain. He stood, pulling his jeans up and then grabbed the bottle on the dresser he’d brought with him, glaring down at me. His arms rose, brushing his hand over his wet eyes. “Fuck you.”
It hurt to hear him say that, but I also knew he was so far gone in his anger nothing he said was what he meant. The Axel I knew would have never said that to me, no matter what the circumstance.
Turning away, he kicked the lamp that had fallen out of his way and headed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.
I heard the sound of his fist connecting with the wall, again, and then I walked out of the room.
I had to leave. So I did. It was hard, but I knew if I looked back, I wouldn’t have left.
I LEFT AXEL IN FLORIDA, flew home that morning with the boys and then packed them up and headed to my parents’ house in Hillsboro, Indiana. I couldn’t stay in Mooresville any longer. At that point, I wasn’t sure if I would ever go back.
Friday morning, before I left Mooresville, I stopped by the court house and had divorce papers drawn up. They informed me I couldn’t just file for divorce. I had to file for a legal separation.
So with my two boys at my feet fighting over a press-on tattoo from a vending machine at the gas station, I filled out the paperwork.
I didn’t want to take them from Axel because he was a good father. When he finally called, I hoped we could work something out so they could still see him.
Looking down at them, I wondered if they knew what I was doing.
Did they know what divorce meant?
Neither one of them said anything to me when we left and went back to the car. Nothing. Maybe they did have an idea.
“Where are we going, Mama?” Jonah asked, staring out the window. “Where’s Daddy?”
Drawing in a deep breath, I paused, not wanting them to hear the sadness in my voice. They’d heard enough. “We’re gonna go see Grandpa and Grandma in Hillsboro.”
“Yay!” Jacen gleamed, wiggling in the seat.
The boys loved seeing my parents and my brother, Kale. We just didn’t make the drive all that often.
“Is Daddy gonna come later?” Jonah wasn’t looking at me, a scowl on his face as he continued to stare out the window.
My eyes shot to the rearview mirror and to Jonah, nervously. “No…Daddy is racing.”
Jonah more than likely understood what that meant. Axel had chosen racing over us. I wasn’t going to tell the boys that, but how could I lie to them and say he wasn’t racing?
“Is he in Heaven, with Jack?” Was his next question.
Oh God, did he think that?
I drew in a deep breath and closed my eyes. My heart ached, the beat painfu
lly evident it would never beat quite the same. “No, Jonah, he’s in Florida right now.”
“So when do we see him?” Jonah finally looked at me, wanting me to see his face. “I miss him.”
What are you doing? You’re taking his kids away from him.
“I’m going to call him when we get to Grandma and Grandpa’s and you can talk to him then.”
He seemed satisfied with that, for now, and nodded, bringing the iPad in his lap up so he could play a game.
Pulling onto the highway, I put on my sunglasses so the boys couldn’t see the tears. I had no idea what I was doing. I felt alone, confused, ashamed…
Feeling like I ruined everything, I wanted to start over. Give myself the opportunity to heal on my own. I couldn’t do it with Axel there and then with everything that happened last night… In no way was this going to be easy and I understood that. After last night, I was mad at Axel and I wanted away from this situation.
Growing up in Indiana felt like I was so far away from where I wanted to be, which was with Axel in North Carolina. We were distanced by six-hundred miles.
Now, I enjoyed the distance, craved it. The further I got away from Mooresville, the more I felt like I could finally breathe without my lungs seizing up. I found a sense of peace since my son had passed away that I couldn’t find in Mooresville, or with Axel.
When Axel and I got married, we were eighteen. Almost seven months later, Jack arrived. I was pregnant at the wedding, but didn’t know it. Back then, we believed nothing would ever get in the way of our love.
I was wrong. This could.
It did.
Axel didn’t call that morning.
Axel didn’t call that night.
And when I stopped to get the boys dinner just outside of Indiana at a small roadside diner, they had the Outlaws on television. That was when I saw he’d entered the second night of racing in Barberville.
Last night had no effect on him at all. My feelings meant nothing. What happened meant nothing.
We’re nothing.
I knew then if I wanted to move on, I had to make it final. If I didn’t, I would go back, and then what? Live in a town where all I saw was the painful reminder that my son was gone?
