by Shey Stahl
What?
She knew I had no memory of it at all. “When we were on the floor…you were crying.” Her voice trailed off and I knew immediately what she was implying. When we had sex. When she got pregnant. I cried that night.
“Thank you.” I opened my eyes and looked at Lily. “She’s beautiful.”
Lily’s tear-filled eyes locked on mine. Her hand rose from the bed and touched the side of my face. “No, thank you. You’ve given me everything I’ve ever needed.”
IT FELT GOOD TO BE a family again. And though it wasn’t lost on anyone that one was missing, and there was certainly some tension in the air, everyone was respectful at Christmas.
We were all in the family room at my parents’ house, gushing over a three-week old Savannah when grandma walked in with Bill. Grandma made him follow her inside to see the baby and I had to laugh because my dad refused to shake his hand.
“We’re just friends,” Grandma hissed at Jameson, smacking his head.
“So…” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Still doesn’t mean I have to shake his hand.”
Dad would always be stubborn.
Grandma sat down beside me, wanting her turn with Savannah, but I knew if I moved her, she’d wake up. It seemed my daughter only liked to be held by me.
With a look of disappointment, Grandma still smiled. “Happy Birthday, Axel.” And then kissed my temple.
Leaning into her, I thanked her and tucked the card she handed me inside Lily’s purse on the floor, cautious not to wake the baby.
My birthday was usually overlooked because of Christmas. As a child, my parents had to think of new ways to get around this and give me my special day. Now I was twenty-seven, I was thankful the celebration was overlooked.
Casten plopped down beside me on the couch when Grandma went to find a drink, claiming she needed it with Dad being a jerk. “Should I sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you?” There was an eagerness in Casten’s eyes I didn’t appreciate.
Looking down at Savannah, now sleeping, I wanted to punch my brother for even suggesting it. When I said the way Savannah James was brought into the world was peaceful, that was about the extent of the peaceful experience. When she turned a day old, she started crying and hadn’t really stopped since then. Unless she was sleeping.
“You wake this fucking baby and I will stab you in the ear.”
Casten frowned, his brow knitting together and looked down at Savannah. “That’s unnecessary.”
A few years ago, my sister stabbed Casten in the ear on a plane with a plastic fork. He hadn’t forgotten that. He even eyed her in the distance as she sat with my mom, talking, her hand on her stomach and the same stare she had at the JAR Racing party. Confusion.
I gave a nod to her and looked at Casten. “Where’s E?”
Casten shrugged, his mouth twisting into a frown. “I don’t know. He was here and then left suddenly. Something’s up with ‘em.”
“Eat shit!” Gray screamed at Tommy, who once again thought it’d be fun to take her binkie away. She was turning four in a few weeks and no one had the balls to take that damn thing away. Even under her newly painted helmet that matched her brand new quarter-midget in the driveway, she still wouldn’t give up the binkie.
I looked at Casten, covering Savannah’s ears playfully. “Did she just say that?”
He looked panicked, but not surprised in the slightest. “Appears that way.” And then he nodded to Hayden. “I’m going to ask her to marry me. Right now. Wish me luck.”
“In front of everyone?”
His brow scrunched again. “Yeah…”
“Good luck.”
Almost everyone knew Hayden was against marriage for some reason. No one knew exactly why, but it never stopped my brother from trying to make an honest woman out of her.
On Christmas Day, claiming she was the best gift he’d ever been given, he said, from his knees before her, “I just want to make you my wife.”
“No.” Hayden snorted, trying to pull him off his knees, “And get off the floor.”
“Why?”
“Because. You knocked me up again, asshole, and I won’t marry you while I’m pregnant because I’m not in my right mind. Hormones have made me crazy.”
Casten’s eyes widened. “Really? Another baby?”
She raised an eyebrow at him. I heard about Casten’s last reaction when Hayden got pregnant. Apparently, she was hoping for a better one. “I’m due in June.”
“That’s great!” he said, standing to wrap his arms around her. “My balls did good.”
That got laughter out of everyone, remembering his constant jokes with Jack about balls.
There was a sharp pain in my chest at the memory and I looked over at Lily beside me, now holding Savannah and watching the boys play at our feet. Tears were in her eyes as she remembered Jack. Leaning over, I kissed her temple. “I love you,” I whispered in her ear.
Lily turned, smiling, tenderly, emotionally. “I love you, too.”
My eyes dropped to Savannah once again, the draw to her left me feeling like there was a greater pull to her than ever before. I lost something so great I thought I would never feel anything ever again. But then we had Savannah and I felt something staring back at me. An angel. A beautiful angel with Jack’s eyes staring back at me.
We would forever be reminded of him.
This was worth it.
She was worth it.
I couldn’t define a race by the laps led.
Nor could I define it by the trophy won.
What I could do was take it for what it gave me. A memory.
Sometimes the race I didn’t finish, the ones where I fell short, meant the most, gave me something I needed.
And I thought to myself for the first time, we might actually survive this.
Every breath I took was a countdown to my last. Every tear I shed was worth it. Every heartache I endured and every smile could have been my last.
I would cherish what it gave me. It gave me life.
I felt.
I believed.
I fought.
I lived and I loved.
I heard someone once say that the day they lost someone close to them was the day they lost themselves. I could honestly say at times, I didn’t even know myself anymore.
I knew one thing, the man I was before losing my son, was weak.
This man, he was stronger. He’d been through hell and back and came on stronger on the other side from not only my own will, my beliefs, my faith, and my family.
That little boy with those bright blue eyes and a tender smile would always be my hero.
Authors Note
This book was incredibly hard for me to write. I put my heart into every word I write, but this one is so much more than that. My deepest fears, my feeling, my dreams, they’re all there between the lines of these pages. Writing allows me to express myself in ways I never felt I could. And now that I can and do, it’s such a beautiful blessing to have readers following me along in this journey, experiencing these same emotions. Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Halfway through writing this book I learned of a child’s death here in my hometown, well, just south of it in Tenino, Washington. It happened while I was writing the scenes where Jack dies. Actually, days after that scene was written. For me, it was eerily similar to the way Jack dies in the book and I had to stop writing it at one point. I could barely continue without feeling that family’s pain.
To write about something like this is one thing. To hear about it happening is another. But to feel their pain and put yourself in their shoes day after day to write that, was draining. I had nightmares, visions that it was going to happen to my family, or others, and it does. There’s nothing we can do about it.
What the Riley family went through in this book was merely fiction. Families all over the world are forced to lay their babies to rest sooner than they want to. It’s a reality we sometimes face.
But I often thou
ght to myself, why write that? Don’t we want to read about the humor and the love? The Riley family for me is real. They are thrown real life throughout the entire series and forced to deal with it. And that’s what I wanted to write about. Real life. I knew early on Jack was an angel baby and this would eventually happen. I knew the moment he was introduced in The Legend that his fate would be this way. I wanted to stop myself immediately and not write it that way but I had to.
And then I met with Brynn Johnson, the mother of baby Rowyn who passed away while writing this story. That’s when I knew, after talking to her, I had to write this book this way. I had to because it happens and what parent’s go through when that does is unimaginable. So I stuck with my original plan and continued writing Fast Time.
Brynn and Cody Johnson lost their precious daughter, Rowyn Leea Johnson, seventeen months old, in a tragic accident on September 16, 2014. While Brynn was preparing to send Rowyn’s older brother, Wyatt, off to preschool, her friend Cassie arrived to take him. As they were loading Wyatt into the car, Rowyn climbed down from the porch and greeted them. As Cassie was pulling away, they thought Rowyn wasn’t near the car but in a matter of seconds, Rowyn was hit by the car. She was killed instantly, though both Brynn and Cassie tried to save her.
It was a tragic accident and unfortunately happens more than we ever hear about. That day changed two families forever. Nothing will ever be the same for them and though it was hard, they’re such an inspiration to anyone who has ever struggled with anything. They’re overcoming depression and guilt and sadness that eats out you until there is nothing left but the brutal honest fact that grief never truly goes away.
No one talks about the death of a child because it’s unfair. They shouldn’t die. They’re beautiful and bring such light to our lives that nothing so precious should ever be taken away from us.
But it happens.
The reason I continued to write Fast Time this way was because it does happen and how does a family come back from that?
With the Johnson and Miller family—through a very dark time in their lives—they remained friends. I’ve met them both and spent time talking with them and can honestly tell you that they are such inspirational, beautifully strong women that I am amazed they’re found the strength they have.
In December, just months after Rowyn’s passing, Brynn and Cassie started the Raise for Rowyn Foundation. Have you ever buried your child? Do you know the financial burden that comes with that? It’s thousands upon thousands just to have a simple burial. Now imagine that being the very last thing you do for your child. You want to make that special, right?
Most families are unable to provide that and are left with doing what they can, or not doing anything at all in some cases.
The Raise for Rowyn Foundation is designed to help families with that support whether it be funeral costs, counseling, anything to relief some of that financial burden upon the family and let them worry about what’s important. Grieving the death of their child in a way that they can find peace within.
Brynn and Cassie have also began blogging about their struggles, as it’s a constant struggle to remain positive and live life despite tragedy. I encourage everyone to read their posts. Though they’re heartbreaking, the strength these ladies have is amazing.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Raise-for-Rowyn/1525825754354063?fref=ts
Email: [email protected]
Making a donation to Raise For Rowyn:
Release day sales of Fast Time will be donated to the Raise for Rowyn charity.
If you would like to donate yourself, you can do so at: http://www.raiseforrowyn.org/ to help local families who need financial assistance to families within the surrounding communities who are struggling with the loss of a child.
Acknowledgments:
The Boy, Honey Girl, my family, everyone, thank you so much for everything you do for me. I know both of you saw how draining this book was for me and thank you for allowing me to finish it. To know that I made it through this, and the criticism I took even attempting to write this, means the world to me.
My family, thank you for your continued support. Love you.
Janet – Sweets, you’ve been there for me every single day. And I do mean every day. For the last year and a half, we’ve talked every day and it helps me so much. Just your daily funny joke makes me laugh and I can count on that one smile bright and early no matter what the day has in store.
Marisa – Thank you for being my friend! Whether is sitting around eating Starbursts and laying on my couch, or going to the races with our families, I’m so thankful to have met so a wonderful, beautiful friend, inside and out.
My friends, Jill, Ashley, Shanna, Barb, I’m so happy you girls helped BETA read for this book and gave me so much great feedback. It helped me so much.
Louise – Thank you so much for this beautiful cover, not to mention HOT. I had no idea what I was looking for until you said, let’s stick a hot guy on the cover. I thought at first I wouldn’t want that but damn, once I saw it, I was in love.
Becky – Thank you for everything you did for this novel and what you taught me about myself as a writer.
Brynn & Cassie – Thank you for everything you’ve helped me with. I can’t wait to help you in any way I can in your journey to tell your story. People come into our lives and we may not know why, or how it happened, but it happens for a reason.
About the Author
Shey Stahl is a USA Today Best Selling Author, a wife, mother, daughter and friend to many. When she’s not writing, she’s spending time with her family in the Pacific Northwest where she was born and raised around a dirt track. Visit her website for additional information and keep up to date on new releases: www.sheystahl.com.
Additional works by Shey Stahl
Everlasting Light – Summer 2015
Racing on the Edge
Happy Hour
Black Flag
Trading Paint
The Champion
The Legend
Hot Laps
The Rookie
Fast Time
Open Wheel (Coming Soon)
The Redemption Series
The Trainer
The Fighter (Coming Soon)
Stand Alones
Deal
Crossing the Line
Delayed Penalty
Delayed Offsides
Unforgettable Series
All I Have Left
All We Need (Coming Soon)
Waiting for You Series
Waiting for You
Wrapped in You (Coming Soon)
