“Inter-service rivalry rears its ugly head. Don’t you have that in your military, too?”
“No,” answered the scorpion commander. “I strongly advise against any attempt on your part to mate with one of our females. Mating involves being stung. You would not survive the venom.”
“I have no intention of mating with any of you scorpions,” I replied, testily. “Do not believe every malicious rumor you hear.”
“I try not to,” said the scorpion commander. “That’s why my executive officer and your Major Lopez get paid the big bucks to sort out fact from fiction.”
“Sometimes even military intelligence officers can’t remember if it was they who started the rumors or not,” I complained, looking back at Lopez and the scorpion XO. “So, there are no major complaints other than the slowness of the red tape? The barracks are adequate?”
“Your aboveground domiciles are unnatural to us,” complained the scorpion commander. “We prefer to live underground. But we are adjusting. Some tunnels have already been dug. It’s cooler down there.”
“What? Do not attempt to tunnel out of this camp. Escape attempts will be dealt with harshly.”
“We are prisoners now?” asked the scorpion commander. “I thought this was just a processing center.”
“It is just a processing center,” I insisted. “As long as you were truthful about the Mantidae, your refugee status will remain the same.”
“And if I was not truthful about the Mantidae?” asked the scorpion commander. “What if I lied?”
“Then the Legion will exterminate every last one of you. Don’t doubt that for a moment.”
“Your professionalism is reassuring,” commented the scorpion commander. “A leader always wants to paint his species in a positive light. It is only natural. I want to avoid bad press, too.”
“We will see,” I said. “So, you like to live underground? That means you really did crawl out from under a rock.”
“What rock?” asked the scorpion commander, checking his translation device. “The underground cities we intend to build will be the most ecologically friendly communities in the galaxy. Your buffalo will graze peacefully on top of our urban centers. I know the ecology is important to Smokey the Bear. It must grate on him to be forced to admit us into his National Park. We will not let Smokey down by trashing the environment.”
“I have been meaning to talk to you about that,” I said. “Smokey the Bear is not real. He is all image. Somehow you got the wrong impression of him from monitoring our electronic communications.”
“It is unbecoming of you to disparage the great Smokey the Bear,” replied the scorpion commander. “No leader is perfect. He is our champion, without which we would have no home. Please refrain from making such negative comments in my presence.”
“Fine,” I replied.
“When will I be able to meet Smokey the Bear?” asked the scorpion commander. “The sooner the better. We have much to discuss before construction commences.”
“It could be a while. Smokey is very busy during the fire-fighting season.” “I understand,” said the scorpion commander, disappointed. “I will give Smokey your email address,” I promised. “The good news is that we scorpions do not eat much,” advised the scorpion commander. “Just one of those buffalo can feed my entire new family for years.”
“You will need to grow crops,” I replied. “Buffalo are a protected species.” “I do not eat plants,” insisted the scorpion commander. “I eat prey. Those MREs you feed us suck.” “Too bad,” I responded. “Leave the buffalo alone.” “But you serve buffalo burgers at McDonald’s,” argued the scorpion commander. “I thought you said buffalo are a protected species. How do you explain that inconsistency?”
“McDonald’s is an intergalactic multi-billion-dollar corporation. McDonald’s has their own herd on Old Earth. These buffalo belong to Smokey the Bear. They’re his pets. Do not molest them.”
“No matter,” said the scorpion commander. “We will obtain our food from the grocery section of Walmart, just like you humans and your spider allies.”
“What will you use for money?”
“We will go on welfare,” answered the scorpion commander. “We will manipulate the system, just like you humans and your spider allies.”
“That will not happen,” I blurted out. “I’ll see you starve first!”
“I was joking,” said the scorpion commander. “Where is your sense of humor? You are wound too tight. Has anyone ever suggested that to you?”
“All the time. Stress reduction is something I am working on. I haven’t had a vacation in years.” “Why not?” asked the scorpion commander. “Surely Major Lopez can easily take your place. I meant for a while, as least.” “Whenever I put in a leave request, someone starts a new war,” I complained. “I finally just gave up trying to get the time off.” “Sorry I interfered with your vacation plans this time around,” said the scorpion commander. “Be assured you can always vacation with us here at Jellystone National Park. I’ll take you on a hunting trip.”
“I’ll consider that,” I said. “Sergeant Williams will be the Legion’s liaison for you. Vacation with him.”
“Is Sergeant Williams already here?” asked the scorpion commander. “How can I pick him out among all you humans? You all look alike to us, too.”
“Sergeant Williams will be the only legionnaire who lets out a rebel yell. A rebel yell either means he is very happy to see you, or he is about to kill you.”
“What if Sergeant Williams is just happy to kill me?” asked the scorpion commander. “How will I know?”
“Just be alert,” I advised. “Try to stay on his good side.”
“I will endeavor to develop a positive working relationship with Sergeant Williams in spite of his propensity to disturb the peace with rebel yells,” promised the scorpion commander. “Perhaps he will moderate his noise in time.”
“I doubt it. Sergeant Williams is from Tennessee. He can’t help himself.”
* * * * *
The Honorable Judge Jackson Tanner flew in especially to address the citizenship swearing-in ceremony at an open-air stadium. I addressed the crowd of scorpions to make sure all went smoothly before the ceremony began. “Judge Tanner is very particular when it comes to swearing in new citizens,” I warned the thousands of scorpions standing by. “You must smile when he walks out to the podium. Judge Tanner will not swear in unhappy citizens. It’s the law.”
“We can’t smile,” advised the scorpion commander. “Our exoskeletons are not flexible. We do not have your facial muscles and odd human twitches.”
“Do you have an equivalent expression or gesture?” I asked. “Houston, we have a problem, if you don’t.”
“We wiggle our eyes back and forth frantically when we are ecstatic,” advised the scorpion commander. “Although that gesture might not be appropriate for a solemn occasion such as this.”
“It will have to do. Quick, tell them all to do it! Wiggle those eyeballs like there is no tomorrow when Judge Tanner comes out on stage.”
The scorpion commander complied, relaying the necessary instructions with just a touch. Instructions passed through the crowd like the wave at a Seahawks football game.
“Here comes the Judge!” I yelled.
“All rise!” ordered the bailiff. “The Honorable Judge Jackson Tanner, Jr., U.S. District Colonial Court for New Phoenix, presiding!”
Judge Tanner strode confidently out on stage. He proudly looked down upon the largest citizenship swearing-in ceremony in United States Galactic Federation history. Five hundred thousand scorpions stared back, all wiggling their eyes balls back and forth as if they were possessed by demons.
“What the hell has got into them?” asked Judge Tanner, speaking away from the microphone. “Those scorpions look like they have gone insane!”
“It’s just an enthusiastic expression of happiness,” I assured the judge.
&
nbsp; “Either that, or they’re real hungry,” added Major Lopez. “We need to get this over with as soon as possible. I don’t want to be lunch.”
“Half a million hungry scorpions? That can’t be good.” Judge Tanner steadied himself as he spoke to the throng of scorpions. “Recite with me: I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic, for which it stands, one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
Judge Tanner looked about. Scorpions were still rattling their eye sockets back and forth like bobblehead dolls. “It’s done!” exclaimed the judge. “You are all citizens. Remember, with the privilege of citizenship, comes responsibility. Appreciate this moment in your life!”
The scorpions cheered and rushed the stage. A few started mating. Each wanted to touch Judge Tanner for a chemical imprint of the occasion. Judge Tanner fled through a side door, fearing he was about to be eaten.
Chapter 6
The spider Intelligentsia interrogator had been questioning the scorpion lieutenant all night. The scorpion was strapped to a wooden chair and not allowed to sleep. Finally the scorpion was ready to talk. The Intelligentsia invited Major Lopez to listen. Lopez watched with interest through the room’s two-way mirror.
“Tell us about the Mantidae,” demanded the Intelligentsia officer.
“The Mantidae were the first civilization we encountered during our march across the galaxy,” replied the scorpion lieutenant. “We ate them.”
“What? How is that possible? How do you eat a civilization?” “One dinner at a time?” replied the scorpion lieutenant. “You think this is funny?” the Intelligentsia officer squawked, punching the scorpion in the abdomen. “The Mantidae were weak,” explained the scorpion lieutenant. “They deserved to be consumed. The Mantidae would not have lasted much longer, anyway. Not in this galaxy.”
“So your murdered the Mantidae?”
“They were just the spoils of war,” said the scorpion lieutenant. “You and the humans have similar concepts.”
“I was told the Mantidae chased your fleet from your home world across the galaxy,” said the Intelligentsia officer. “That is not true?”
“The Mantidae were not capable of space flight,” said the scorpion lieutenant. “They had not even split the atom.” “Why did your fleet come to New Colorado?” “To colonize.” “You planned an invasion,” insisted the Intelligentsia officer. “You would have consumed New Colorado, too.” “No,” said the scorpion lieutenant. “Our orders were to negotiate landing rights and to colonize your uninhabited continent. “And if we refused, you would have attacked? That was your plan all along?” “No,” said the scorpion Lieutenant. “Our leaders are not fools. We would not provoke two strong empires at once. We came in peace.”
“You would have just moved on?” asked the Intelligentsia officer.
“Yes,” said the scorpion lieutenant. “If negotiations failed we would have moved on. We only wanted to establish a base for peaceful trade.”
“And now your fleet has indeed moved on?” asked the Intelligentsia officer.
“Yes,” insisted the scorpion lieutenant. “We have no reason to stay. It is too dangerous.”
The Intelligentsia officer struck the scorpion hard enough to break a mandible. “Is it not true your scout ships still linger in our solar systems? Even now, you are planning to attack?”
“Maybe,” said the scorpion lieutenant. “I have no way to know that.”
“So your fleet will return? For what purpose?”
“You crippled our colonization fleet,” replied the scorpion lieutenant. “That fleet will not return. But, another fleet will be sent to avenge us.”
“How long will that take?” asked the Intelligentsia officer.
“I do not know for sure,” said the scorpion lieutenant. “It takes time to finance and build another fleet.”
“The human pestilence want to talk to you too,” advised the Intelligentsia officer. “They are not a good-tempered species. Do not provoke Major Lopez by telling lies.”
“What more can I tell the humans than I have already told you?” asked the scorpion lieutenant.
“I think the human pestilence just like torture,” replied the Intelligentsia officer. “That, and they want to go to your home world. The human pestilence hold grudges forever.”
“What will become of me?” asked the scorpion lieutenant. “Will I be executed?”
“No. Unlike your kind, we are civilized. You will be sent to Inhabited Planet #4, where you will work at hard labor in the Imperial mines until your death.”
“That is not fair,” argued the scorpion lieutenant. “I have been cooperative in every way. I can help you and the humans even more. Why not release me?”
“You are an enemy combatant,” explained the Intelligentsia officer. “We are still at war. We do not release enemy combatants until hostilities end. Given the cowardly nature of your planned surprise attack, and the inherent evil of your civilization, hostilities are not going to end anytime soon.”
* * * * *
The scorpion fleet commander dozed at his desk in his new office in Scorpion City. Sergeant Williams let out a rebel yell, abruptly bringing the scorpion commander out of his daydreams. He stood and greeted Williams with a salute. “I am happy to see you, too,” said the scorpion commander. “I am always pleased to entertain Legion guests. I will have you know we are settling into our new homes just fine. I cannot express how grateful I am to the Legion for allowing us to live here in Jellystone National Park. Look across the street. We are even getting our first Taco Bell!”
“You’re under arrest,” announced Sergeant Williams. “Where is your XO? Major Lopez wants him, too.”
“He is out herding buffalo,” answered the scorpion commander. “He fancies himself now as a cowboy. He even wears one of those silly cowboy hats. Why are you arresting me? What are the charges?”
“Conspiracy and treason,” said Sergeant Williams. “You are going to hang.”
“But I have done nothing wrong,” insisted the scorpion commander. “I have cooperated in every manner. We negotiated a treaty. I am a citizen now. I have Constitutional rights!”
“Rights?” asked Sergeant Williams. “You have no stinking rights. Your citizenship is revoked for violating the full-disclosure requirements of your Immigration & Naturalization application form.”
“That is just a technicality,” fumed the scorpion commander. “You cannot make that stick.” “We also intercepted radio transmissions you made to scorpion scout ships in orbit,” said Sergeant Williams. “Explain that!” “So? I was just sending email back home to friends and family.” Legionnaires placed restrains on the scorpion commander and tied a bag over his stinger. “I want a lawyer,” yelled the scorpion commander. “I know what this is all about. You found out our geologists discovered oil under our land, and now you want to take it back. It will not work. I will sue!”
“Save your sad story for someone who cares,” said Sergeant Williams. “Even Smokey the Bear has banned you from Jellystone,” he added, letting out another rebel yell. “You’re toast!”
“No!” cried the scorpion commander. “Not banishment. Please tell Smokey the Bear I am sorry I let him down.”
* * * * *
The scorpion commander rode in one of many Legion trucks loaded with thousands of detainees, mostly from the scorpion officer corps. They passed endless desert before finally arriving at an irrigated farmland district of the New Gobi. The trucks stopped at a large onion field. The scorpions were told to get out. They were herded into a compact area. Machine gunners kept a close eye on them from the trucks. The scorpions paced nervously as more legionnaires took positions with the machine gunners.
The scorpion commander stood defiantly in front of his troops, ready to give the order to charge the machine guns. At least they might kill a few legionnaires before their lives ended. Major Lopez drove up in a jeep an
d greeted the scorpion commander with a friendly nod.
“So this is what it comes down to?” asked the scorpion commander. “You are going to massacre us in this muddy turnip field?”
“What?” said Major Lopez. “No, of course not. This land is part of my hacienda. And these are onions. I own everything for miles around. You are my guests.”
“Sergeant Williams advised me I was under arrest for conspiracy and treason,” said the scorpion commander. “He promised my life would end at the end of a rope for trying to contact what is left of my fleet.”
“Sergeant Williams is not in charge,” advised Major Lopez. “I am! He knows nothing. If your fleet is foolish enough to return to New Colorado, they will be destroyed. Your weapons, starship technology, and tactics do not measure up to the power of the USGF and Arthropodan fleets.”
“If I am not going to hang or be shot, why was I brought out here to the middle of nowhere?” asked the scorpion commander.
“You still may hang,” threatened Major Lopez. “But I am not all that worried about your feeble plotting to take New Colorado from humanity and the spiders. You are not strong enough to do it and never will be.”
“I feel better now that you have reassured me,” replied the scorpion commander, sarcastically. “You say this is your hacienda?”
“These irrigated fields and orchards extend for miles in every direction,” boasted Major Lopez. “That is why I need a favor from you, commander. I’m in a bit of a spot.”
“I am always willing to do you a favor,” replied the scorpion commander. “You are one of my favorite human pestilence.”
Allies Page 4
