Garcia was paid one billion dollars in gold for his treason. He would never be able to spend his wealth anywhere under United States Galactic Federation or allied control, being permanently exiled to the scorpions’ home world and colonies. The name Tony the Toe would forever be synonymous with his new nickname, Tony the Pariah. I swore an oath to kill Garcia someday, as did all other legionnaires.
###
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~BONUS SHORT STORY~
Walmart Trial
“Arthropodan District Court of New Gobi, criminal complaint, Empire vs. Walmart (a human pestilence corporation), regarding egregious reckless conduct resulting in death and injury to citizens of the Empire, is now in session,” announced the bailiff.
The Arthropodan lawyer acting as the prosecuting attorney, also known as #7, stood up. “The Empire calls the New Gobi City garrison commander as its first witness.”
The garrison commander stepped up to the witness box and was sworn in.
“Commander,” said the spider prosecutor, “describe the events and circumstances you observed at the New Gobi City Walmart on Black Friday of this year.”
“Human pestilence shoppers inside Walmart were taunting spider crowds locked out and waiting in the parking lot. Human pestilence held up discounted electronic and video devices for all to see, and gave the one-fingered salute to the crowd. These provocations were too much to stand. Our citizens pushed past marines, and crashed through the chained doors. Immediately these shoppers were cornered and run down in the narrow aisles by fat human pestilence females pushing shopping carts. The carnage was the most horrendous I have known, and I am a seasoned combat veteran. The fat ladies gave no quarter.”
“I assume this deadly shopping frenzy was recorded by security video and marine helmet cameras?” asked the spider prosecutor.
“Yes, of course.”
* * * * *
Human pestilence defense attorney Eugene Depoli cross-examined. “Isn’t it true that spider shoppers rioted, throwing debris at your marines and through the glass front doors of the Walmart shopping center? And for the record, this debris was cement chunks from pulled-up light fixtures and asphalt from the parking lot?”
“Yes.” “And isn’t it also true that some fat ladies were also injured?” “Only those who resisted arrest.” “Answer yes or no,” insisted Depoli. “I do not want long-winded useless commentary.” “Yes.” “Isn’t it true that not all aisles at Walmart are narrow, and in fact many can be easily and safely navigated by multiple females well over four hundred pounds each?”
“Most aisles are narrow. I personally saw a citizen of the Empire pulled off a shelf of Cheerios boxes and run over for no reason by a whole pack of fat ladies. The victim’s video games were unmercifully pried from his cold dead claws as he lay on the floor convulsing.”
“Did you render first aid?” “There was no point. I was engaged in tasering the leader of the pack.” “No further questions.”
* * * * *
“The Empire calls human pestilence fat lady Anna Swensson to the stand. Anna Swensson, you are a lifelong Walmart shopper?” “Yes, I come from four generations of Walmart shoppers. I hold a platinum Life Membership Sam’s Club card.” “How much do you weigh?” “About three hundred pounds.” “Must I remind you that the penalty for perjury is summary execution? We do not coddle oath-breakers here in the Empire. I’ll shoot you myself if you don’t tell the truth!”
“My scales broke!” cried Anna. “Please don’t shoot. I have a family. Want to see pictures of my kids?”
“Oh, hell, no,” replied the spider prosecutor, pushing away photos Anna produced from her purse. “How often do you graze at the McDonald’s Restaurant located inside Walmart?”
“Objection!” interrupted attorney Depoli. “The question is harassing and inflammatory.”
“Sustained,” replied the spider judge, sternly. “Council for the Empire, just because the human pestilence is big enough to be a herd animal, does not mean you need to remind us of that fact with a malicious innuendo about grazing. We can see for ourselves that Anna never misses a meal.”
“Are you from Minnesota?” continued the prosecutor.
“My grandparents were from Minnesota, but I was born on New Colorado.”
“Is it not true – and I am quoting your own human database – that the only difference between a cow and a human pestilence female from Minnesota is only about five to seven pounds?” The prosecutor held up his communications pad screen for all to see.
“Objection!” said Depoli, more forcefully than ever. “Irrelevant, and he is badgering the witness!” “The facts speak for themselves,” argued the spider prosecutor, smugly handing his pad to Depoli. “Read it and weep.” “This is not fact, it is a joke,” replied Depoli, scanning the pad. “This is a fat joke!” “It is no joke that human pestilence heifers were negligently turned loose inside Walmart without proper supervision and restraints, to run amuck down dangerously narrow aisles, causing death and injury to unwary shoppers lured to this midnight madness by evil human pestilence corporate robber-barons and their stooges at satellite TV. My question establishes a foundation context for future questions and evidence, and is allowed by established court rules of civil procedure.”
“I am not a cow!” cried Anna, swinging her purse at the prosecutor and striking him as he strutted by. As the prosecutor lost his balance and fell, Anna burst from the witness stand and fell upon him. The crackling sound of crunched exoskeleton was sickening. Even human pestilence, accustomed to such gore, had to turn away, unwilling to have such a horrible sight etched forever in their retinas. A spider Intelligentsia SWAT team, poised for action in anticipation of just such an occurrence of violence by the human pestilence, immediately pounced on Anna, dragging her to the caged lock-up.
* * * * *
“The Empire calls United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion Colonel Joey R. Czerinski to the stand,” announced the new deputy prosecutor. “Colonel, what does the ‘R’ stand for?”
“Objection!” shouted Depoli. “Sustained,” ordered the judge. “Do not attempt to provoke the Butcher of New Colorado again.” “Objection!” “What?” asked the judge. “You cannot object to my comments. I am the Court. Comply with your simple and easy-to-read Rules of Procedure book, or I will find you in contempt of Court.”
“I object to the Court referring to the witness as the ‘Butcher of New Colorado.’ Such a slur is biased and inflammatory, and harms Colonel Czerinski’s reputation. Colonel Czerinski is a highly decorated Hero of the Legion.”
“As much as I would like otherwise, Czerinski was given immunity for his testimony, and is not on trial today,” explained the judge. “However, the Court will refer to the Butcher of New Colorado by any name the Court deems fit. Continue!”
“What does the Butcher of New Colorado have to say for himself this time?” sneered the spider deputy prosecutor. “Death of our citizens seems to follow you everywhere.”
“Fuck you,” I replied.
“Objection!” shouted the deputy prosecutor. “I want this human pestilence declared a hostile witness, and chained to the chair and table!”
“I told you, Czerinski was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony, you idiot,” advised the judge. “Get on with it.”
“Colonel Czerinski, in your capacity as regional human pestilence Legion commander, you issued Walmart its business license, did you not?” asked the deputy prosecutor. “At least, I see your signature on the license.”
“Yes.”
“And, as a prerequisite for issuance and keeping of said license, Walmart must conduct business and commerce in a responsible and safe manner?”
“Yes.”
“Yet you allowed Walmart to negligently maintain narrow aisles, knowing that fat ladies pushing dangerous shopping carts would be loosed on the innocent public during Black Friday?”
“You’re an idiot. How did
you ever get this job?”
“My boss was crushed by one of your Minnesota female cows. Explain yourself and stop stalling. How is it that these dangerous conditions are allowed to continue?”
“The Legion has better things to do than patrol Walmart. That’s what rent-a-cops and Arthropodan marines are for.” “So you admit guilt?” “Shut up, fool.” “Do not think our generous grant of immunity will excuse you from answering all questions truthfully and completely,” warned the judge. “Am I clear?”
“Yes, Your Excellency,” I replied. “But the prosecutor is an idiot.”
“I know,” said the judge, sighing. “His family has political connections, and this is his first job out of law school. Humor the Court and answer his stupid questions.”
“I object!” interrupted the deputy prosecutor. “Shut up, fool,” warned the judge, pounding once with his gavel. “Continue!” “Colonel Czerinski, have you ever had sex with Anna Swenssen?” asked the deputy prosecutor. “Objection!” shouted Depoli, more animated than ever. “Must this harassment continue?” “The question relates to Colonel Czerinski’s credibility and veracity,” responded the deputy prosecutor. “Inquiring minds want to know.”
“He is right,” agreed the judge. “Inquiring minds do want to know. I’ll allow the question.”
“Well?” asked the deputy prosecutor, triumphantly.
“I did not have sex with that woman,” I said, pointing to Anna in the caged lock-up. Anna rattled the bars back at me. “I only just met her today at court. How could I?”
“How could you, indeed?” scoffed the deputy prosecutor. “Is it not true the two of you were sequestered alone in the adjacent room prior to your testimonies, and the two of you had gruesome human pestilence sex all over the conference table? You are so disgusting!”
“Not then, not now, not ever!” I insisted. “I swear an oath as an officer and a gentleman, I did not have sex with that fat lady. You cannot prove anything.”
“Apparently you were not aware that there is a security camera in that waiting room,” the deputy prosecutor pointed out. “Care to revise your perjured testimony?”
“Damn. I don’t recall. I might have been suffering from heat stroke. I plead insanity and combat fatigue. It is a common human malady.”
“Did you have sex with Anna Swenssen on that table? Or are you going to perjure yourself again?”
“Which table are you asking about? I don’t think what we did can technically can be defined as sex by human standards. There are cultural issues at play.”
“Shall I play the video?” “Enough!” hissed the judge. “Answer the question, or I will find you in contempt of Court.” “By some cultural standards, what we did might be considered to be sex,” I admitted. “On the table.” “And you conspired to allow your lover Anna and her ilk to run amuck in Walmart, crushing all in their murderous bovine path?” “Yes! I admit to everything. Can I leave now? And can I have all copies of that video?” “The video has already been broadcast on Cable TV News, Playboy Channel, Human Pestilence Channel Five World News Tonight with Phil Coen, and the Galactic Database, along with reruns of your other past pornographic videos. You pervert!”
“I know where you live,” I threatened.
“One more question, Czerinski,” said the deputy prosecutor, leaning toward me. I could smell his bad breath as he hissed, “Did you receive a bribe from Walmart Regional Manager James Grigg, allowing Walmart to obtain their prime site location along the border?”
“Yes, but that was a long time ago. The statute of limitations has run out.”
“Not on this side of the border,” boasted the spider deputy prosecutor. “I am filing charges against you immediately. Ha! That will teach you human pestilence to ever call me an idiot again!”
* * * * *
“The Court finds Walmart to be an evil human pestilence corporation and known nest of robber-barons, criminally negligent, wanton, and reckless in disregarding even minimal safety standards by allowing dangerous human pestilence fat ladies to run amuck, armed with shopping carts down narrow aisles, causing death and injury to innocent citizens of the Empire. The Court awards one million credits actual damages, and seventy million credits punitive damages.
“The Court also orders that in the future, the total number of human pestilence females shopping at Walmart weighing over three hundred pounds be restricted to no more than five at a time. And, the Court orders that said three-hundred-pounders wear reflective taped vests, and be affixed with flashing yellow lights and a beeper that will activate upon sudden or backward movement.
“Let this tragedy be a lesson to all other human pestilence doing business within the Empire to conduct commerce in a safe and orderly manner, and that we will not tolerate negligence nor disregard consumer safely standards.”
* * * * *
On appeal, the judgment of the trial court was reversed for violating the Commerce Clause of the most recent peace treaty prohibiting undue burdens, restrictions, and regulations on intergalactic commerce and trade from being imposed by local commanders, courts, police, or administrators.
The Spider Governor of the North Territory found fault with both the excessive fine and the requirement that rotund human pestilence females be equipped with reflective tape, flashing lights, and noisy beepers. Although the governor thought the beeper idea had some merit, he decided that, as a whole, the Court’s decision was stupid, and someone should go back to law school. An investigation of the law school’s academic standards was also ordered.
The governor equated the flashing light requirement to local proposals requiring mud flaps on large dump trucks. Although the trucks and some human pestilence females might be similar in size and lethality, local jurisdictions could not be expected to agree on exact mud flap requirements for either trucks or human pestilence females, no matter how close the tonnage or wideness at the rear on either happened to be, thus creating an undue impediment to commerce.
“We do not want flashing lights on our dump trucks, nor mud flaps on the enemy’s females. It pisses off both the human pestilence and the Intergalactic Brotherhood of Teamsters, and violates the letter and spirit of the peace treaty.”
The governor also ordered the trial judge arrested for incompetence. The governor’s nephew, an experienced deputy prosecutor, replaced the trial judge, with orders to never make such a foolish decision, or he would risk a sentence of hard labor in the New Disneyland Correctional Facility. “Even if you are my wife’s favorite nephew,” he added.
“Consistency and the rule of law must be respected, or all commerce and business will come to a grinding halt,” concluded the spider governor. “The law is nothing to be messed with.”
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~ABOUT THE AUTHOR~
Walter Knight played football on Tucson High School’s last state championship team (1971). He served three years in the army, and the GI Bill paid for his college education, helping him earn degrees from Fort Steilacoom Community College, Central Washington State College, and the University of Puget Sound School of Law.
Walter lives a very quiet and private life, residing with his family and horses, dogs, cats, and fish atop a hill in rural Washington. Walt enjoys taking road trips to explore ghost towns and casinos.
To find out more about the author and his books, visit his web site.
www.waltknight.yolasite.com
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Allies Page 14
